I will not be silent

I nominated myself for this award after seeing the following criteria on a follow waiting mom's blog. I laughed so much from reading it that I had to post myself.

• If you could make a little house from used pee sticks and OPKs.
• If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand. ADD: Two people just asked, TTC means Try(ing) To Conceive.
• If you have ever been stuck with any needles in order to TTC.
• If you have had to stick yourself, or your husband has had to turn into your nurse in order to do it for you.
• If you've ever seen a blank ultrasound screen.
• If you know what a wandcam is.
• If you have ever gotten shower invites, family photos, or birth announcements in the mail and had a good cry.
• If you have watched someone go through an entire cycle or 2 or 3 pregnancies in the time it took you to even try
• If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "it's God's will".
• If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family.
• If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with.
• If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they're yours.
• If you have ever walked around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section.
• If you cannot park in the front spots of a store because they are for pregnant and expectant mothers only.
• If you've ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else's baby.
• If you've ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who's trying for a baby, "That's SO not realistic!".
• If you've ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn't fit in.
• If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!".
• If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant.
• If you have ever gotten a shower invite through email while sitting at work trying to forget about TTC.
• If you know what an RE is.
• If you have ever graphed out your cycle on chart paper.
• If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was egg white or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, "WHAT is she doing in there?".
• If you were disappointed that you couldn't find any.
• If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case.
• If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your behind after TTC.
• If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you're not pregnant.
• If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady.

If you meet the criteria above, or you'd like to submit your own, please post the following award on your blog. This is for all of the women who will no longer be silent about their infertility. This is to remind you that you do not need to be ashamed and you are definitely not alone.

Expectations

Since I've started using Flock as my web browser, I've broadened my spectrum of blog reading. Since their system scans all the feeds and lets me know only who has new entries I spend half the time looking to catch up with friends. So I've found in my searchings several infertility, adoption blogs (along with some gluten blogs, grief, wonderful Christian women opening their hearts, etc) . The infertility ones have started to make me feel more sad. I began to wonder why that was. This is my own experience and personality talking. It starts building in me a sense of desparation. Scraping for a way to make it happen. Maybe it's just in me time to completely move forward. To close the door. Maybe that's unrealistic, I can never close the door of the grief and loss I have had of family members passing. It's a continual journey. In my own battle it brings up control, as if I have control. That I just haven't found the right procedure, medication, (excuse me for getting personal) position to conceive a child. When did it become all about me and my efforts? I can only do my part, check there. So the rest is up to God. I don't know that if I tried IVF if I would get another infection or not as I did from the IUI. Adoption so far has been no less of a wait, no less vulnerable than our efforts to try to conceive. It definitely seems different for everyone at what point they are ready to start looking at other ways to become a parent.

If I knew the outcome it wouldn't require faith. I can confidently state that I know what God can do. Does that mean He will do that for us? Only He knows how our path to parenthood will end.

I think about what kind of parent I want to be. I want to be a parent that cares more about their spiritual, moral and emotional development than being their friend. Yes, I want to protect my children from harm but I do not want to protect them from the consequences of their own mistakes. I don't want to be their best friend yet I want them to feel loved. I want to prepare them for adulthood and all the decisions and responsibilities so they can be productive members of society. I want them to know I am there for them no matter what decisions they make in life. Mostly I want them to have a personal relationship with God, to know in their hearts they are loved, forgiven and accepted by our Heavenly Father. To live a life that is pleasing to God, not full of perfect choices but one full of thankfulness, appreciation, a heart for others and recognition of their own sin. I don't want the American dream of college, marriage and 2.2 kids. My dream for them is fulfillment and success according to God's standards. Nothing is wrong in and of itself with doing/ having the american ideals unless that's their top priority and goal. I would want my children (especially a little girl) to know true beauty is reflected in the way we treat others not on our exterior appearance to have self respect for herself enough to dress modestly and to not turn to boys for her identity or worth. For a boy to know their value isn't in how much money, how successful they are. I do not want a spoiled child that I am afraid to stand up and be the adult, parent and discipline. I pray when those moments occur to do so in love and with the heart to teach not punish. I pray to give them more of me and less of stuff. I pray they will have the consideration, manners and respect, to be humble and sure of who they are in Christ. A quiet strength that doesn't need to be felt by bragging of accomplishments, putting others down, judging, having the right answers, wearing the right clothes.

Are the already mothers just smiling and shaking their heads? Aren't we the most idealistic, hopeful, optimistic we can surpass any challenge of a task on the brink of it? Why else would we attempt college, marriage , children?? I approached college with the most positive I can do it all attitude. I completed two years, took the courses that interested me in childhood development and was happy with the knowledge I gained there. Does that mean I stopped learning after that?No, my education just took on more on the job training and life experiences than I first envisioned. Marriage is definitely worth every effort. It is effort for two individuals to merge their lives together no matter how much they have in common. No two people will agree on everything. Billy and I try to learn something from our disagreements, it feels like it's less in vain that way for us. We believe it's an opportunity to work on an area of our relationship. Anything rewarding requires hard work and sacrifice. The initial infatuation stage with the obsession is just the beginning of what becomes better and different. I enjoy being at the 4 year stage with Billy, the way we know each other and yet still continue to learn. Does our relationship look and feel like what I thought it did when we were engaged looking towards our marriage? Yes and no. We are human and we both make mistakes, I work on showing Billy unconditional respect every day. The level of communication, intimacy, appreciation, feeling of being a team and having my best earthly friend beside me leading me towards the Lord is priceless.

Hello July

Hello to a new month and a fresh no. Traveling places gets my body out of wack in general and so I was late. It gets my hopes up more than I allow it anymore. It makes the no so much harder. It makes me want to retreat from the world so no one else is subjected to my ugly heart, to the neediness I know only God can fill, to passive aggressive attempts to fill me up, to the anger and the grief that is part of this roller coaster. I just need your prayers today. I need to go pray and read myself...

Selfishness

I read all of your responses on the News Reaction posting with tears in my eyes, every single one of them at least once a day. The scriptures you provided having everything to do with God and nothing to do with me. That's what gives me peace: focusing outwardly. Not throwing my own pity party. Not questioning God. Not having all the answers including what God's will is for us to do with the love of children or why. When I read God's word, I feel myself relax, my mind slows down, my soul opens up. He does everything. God's word doesn't make the situation vanish. The Word is not an escape from the world and it's troubles, but a haven with answers, direction and purpose. It simply places my heart, mind and body with God, home.

There is a fine line between denial and faith. We live is an emotion filled culture. Commercials, songs, books are about telling us that we want to be all put together, up to date and famous with power and wealth. What fake seconds the world sells us compared to what God's true riches are. What hole am I trying to fill by spending my time on one specific pursuit or another over time in His Word? What kind of control am I seeking by wanting everything in place rather than realizing it's about God's place? Where's the line between responsible stewardship and obsessiveness? Passion and joy for God's wonders and placing those creations above the creator? Assertiveness and obedience? I don't want to be high strung, stressed desperately wanting to control nor do I want to be a wilted wall flower giving up. Neither glorifies the heart of God. What ever feels right and fills us up for the moment doesn't cut it. Every emotion I feel is valid, really? This kind of thinking leads to rationalizing any decision even among Christian's that "God wants me to be happy" and for me especially lately "He wouldn't have given me this gift if He didn't want me to have children" Plenty of arrogance in that statement and not enough humbleness. So I would have to live my life making excuses for my thinking, rather than change my thinking to effect my emotions. Even finding what fit I have in this world still is not my goal. I'm made for God, God was not made for me. He's not my genie waiting to grant me all my wishes or to guarantee all of life will be easy with me floating above all the hurt and hard choices.

Maybe I can finally let it go: the picture I have carried in my mind that is HAS to turn out a certain way. I do have a heart's cry for a child, God knows that. How many times do I need to keep reminding him? Oh, I want to...maybe too much. He wants me to be honest with Him. At what point do I leave it in God's hands and get back to my purpose on earth of loving God and my neighbor? Why am I going through this? Because God allows it. I love Him and trust him no exceptions. It's not up to me to determine what's fair and when God gives or takes away. Serving Him, allowing Him to mold me? When do I make me stop being the focus of this? Isn't that the difference in having Christ? I don't need earthly anything. Christ ALONE is enough. I only need God, His son crucified.

I could say this is an exception, easily making myself the martyr. It's the only thing I want.. making my bargain with God that if He just gives me this ONE thing, I'll be content. Will I really though? I'm either content or I'm not with Christ. I don't want contentment in my present circumstances, because what happens when these circumstances end? I want contentment in God Himself. I count my blessings but that's not where my peace is. Maybe I should pursue nanny or child care. Maybe it's volunteer work. Maybe it doesn't matter. When my heart is complaining, ungrateful and selfish I'm not glorifying Jesus Christ. That's not what His life was about. It's not about my mistakes, my repentance or my growth. Because it's not about MY anything. The new house I've been saying is the one thing that I felt maybe our timing was actually coinciding with God's. Maybe it is, but that's not my hope. The next time I hear news what will I do? A choice or indulgence? It is giving in or facing? What perspective is God looking at this?

Selfishness breeds greed, coveting, violence and rationalizing actions as to what I should do dependent on how it effects me. Should I interfere with family disputes? Well it puts me in the middle? Isn't that just a third person now being selfish? Should I tell my boss someone else is cheating? What does that mean to my reputation with fellow workers? *sigh* So it's okay to protect and defend myself if I feel wronged or hurt enough?? What about God and His promises to defend and protect us? Does giving up or retaliating really protect me??? It allows other's sin to effect God's holy character influence on me. How will I react next time? I honestly don't know. Hopefully one baby step better? With perseverance, more scriptures in my purse and a heart to glorify God and not dwell on myself.

Tonight, I didn't have time to dwell on anything besides helping children see bravery through the story of Peter. I look forward to myself learning through this week's VBS. I pray today for courage to go where ever it is God is leading us, to be faithful, content and trusting in God alone each and every day.

News Reaction

I am searching for answers only God can answer. While listening to Christian music (975) cable station my mind went to the fact that I only call on God because He's calling on me. What's He calling me for? I've prayed, I've read the stories of women crying out, pleading with God for a child in the bible. I hit a wall this afternoon. One that had me canceling all plans this evening, because all I wanted was God and my husband. I wish I was thicker skinned or stronger. It's my internal should's, no one is saying these things to me, they don't have to.

I'm not coveting although this site provided some very good reminders so that there are no foxes sneaking in to the hen house of my mind on that front. I don't want their babies. I realized today the one thing I do without fail that fills me with the most guilt and shame in regard to infertility. I'm not beating up who I am, I'm just not proud of what I do. I can separate my worth and value apart from my actions. It's when I hear of other people's good news. This is tough enough for me swallow and I do it. I'm happy for that couple and still as soon as I get to a private place, I sob. For several minutes and nothing in particular runs through my head as my heart feels like it's breaking. I feel so awful for this reaction. It's completely illogical to me that some one's happiness brings pain to me. We are called to rejoice with those who rejoice. How ungrateful and bitter it sounds to my own ears. Their news isn't about me. I've had sweet friends take the extra time, consideration thought and care for what we are going through call me as a heads up before announcing it in a large group. I keep thinking there has to be some flaw in my thinking, in my heart, in my view that's effecting my behavior. It's one thing to have pain when I'm told no for the month. It's the same regardless of how the news is presented. For the amount of love and they had for us to know we might need to digest this before being in front of other people is priceless. It's even more special for other's who I know have not been able to get pregnant easily. Knowing it can still happen no matter how many months has passed for us (24) of failed attempts God does bless in His own time. Satan isn't content at just the hurting over joy, he keeps going until it's just this heap over me.

I know it's a blessing, and just like Lucy from Narnia peeking in to a conversation in "Voyage of the Dawn Treader", Aslan tells her she doesn't know what her friendship could have been had she not eavesdropped. I can't help but ask why don't we get blessed? What did I do to block God's blessings for us in this area? A punishment for past sins? What have I done that I have not confessed, that I haven't repented? I'll do it, whatever I have to God. I have the presence of mind to realize it's a non- spiritual trail of thought that satan can easily control. I don't know that any one single mistake in my past says barrenness. Any mistake that hundreds of women haven't made and yet they still receive the blessing of pregnancy. I hope I have had enough distance that I realize where I've failed in the past and what sins I've committed. I realize where I've been a chicken when I should have learned on the strength of the Lord. God will reveal what I haven't realized in His time.

My doubts and lack of control is what it still is. It leads me down such a dark path before I realize I've just allowed satan to beat me down in my own head. As I remember all my sins, I realize how ill-equipped I am, how will I raise a child successfully in the eyes of the Lord?? My sweet friend Amy tells me I'm hard on myself, it's because I'm not content with staying as I am. I don't need external accomplishments, the best job title on the block, higher education or material things. They don't define me, I won't turn away God blessing me with a new job or the new house, but if I never get a job or something falls through with the house, I will not be devastated. I know peace would come because I have faith in a loving God. It's not really about the end goals or if I succeed. Worst case scenario, we don't have children. God isn't going to abandon us, we aren't less blessed, or any less loved by God. I need to know in my heart I have done the right thing. I need to have accountability and be responsible for my actions. Internal growth is what motivates me to get out of bed in the morning. I know I won't ever be perfect and I don't think I'm better than anyone else, I'm just not happy not trying to just be a better person.

Reacting to news is the area I seem to get worse in the longer this continues. My guilt over it has kept me quiet about it, praying it would pass. Maybe because this was on my short list of lifetimes accomplishments. Relationship with God, finally check. Happy fulfilling marriage, finally check. Neither of these came easily though, the common denominator is me. What is it that I'm doing? Because there is still motherhood, will there be a check there? How much will I have twisted myself inside out between now and then. I think to myself it's so silly to get all worked up, we're adopting, we will receive a child to adopt. Relax and just be patient, we are doing everything we can. If only it was so easy.....Let it go to God. I have what feels like an ulcer. I don't know what other sign I need to stop worrying (sin). Sarah says it's my battle scar from going through this. Right now I feel overwhelmed with sending out the profile that we are still working on ( should have been done before we went to Montana), now job searching and going cabin fever within this house. We do have an open house Saturday, so we have to vacate for the afternoon. New house is making progress but our current one isn't sold still, hopefully the open house will produce something. And what I initially thought was indigestion (half hoping pregnancy) and then an infection I pretty much can tell it's an ulcer at this point. Just in case I wasn't feeling any less Christian with my lack of trusting and giving things to God, now I have physical proof that I'm not dealing well. When does it go from thinking to worrying? I recite scriptures to myself in those moments when the questions seem to not stop (Please reply with scriptures, that would be the best comment you could place on this entry). It's the only thing I've found that blocks out all the finger pointing. I've always balked at the label insecure. What does that even mean and why am I so adamant it's a bad thing or that I don't struggle with it? I see this process as asking questions, challenging myself. I couldn't go through life not being willingly to question myself. I do trust God, He's bigger than this and people deal with much more than this on a daily basis. As i say, it is what it is. If this makes me insecure, than I'm insecure. Satan uses anything and everything to his advantage. I need a break from his antics. He's taking a perfectly good growth opportunity and twisting it.

Hosea 6:1-3
Come, let us return to the LORD For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. "He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the third day, That we may live before Him. "So let us know, let us press on to know the LORD His going forth is as certain as the dawn; And He will come to us like the rain, Like the spring rain watering the earth."

Year Two

I noticed the ticker on our countdown for waiting on a baby moved to two years yesterday, on Father's Day too... It is easy at this stage to play it safe and be cautious. I've had suggestions to try other fertility treatments recently. I truly haven't given up hope. After much prayer, I say I just don't think that's the way for us. The infection was caused not only by the actual insemination last winter but the medications as well. I know if and or when God ever has it in His plan for us to carry a child He can. He's not limited to only the medical field. I do want to do my part and we are. I want to be challenged and I treasure friends who care enough about me to tell me with love when they see I'm not going in a Godly way. Iron sharpens Iron. I wonder what others who aren't going through this think about how I deal and what I talk about, but then I hear from someone who knows and feels even a bit comforted or validated from something I've written here and it makes it all the stretching to do this worthwhile.

I am encouraged to know the path of a child given birth in God's timing and through the patience of his parents (Thank you, Courtney). I'm comforted by women on the other side of the journey, how ever theirs turned out. (Cindy, Deanna, and a whole blogging community of women who will share their testimony in this area). There are also precious people who are in the same place we are sharing their hearts along side us. We know one day this will all be a testimony. It is a testimony now, just later it can be told without my own hurt getting in the way of telling it.

I've done a bit of research with the gluten connection. Because of my immune response and the proximity of the intestines to the ovaries. I've had contamination three times in the last month, but that's a rarity. The more frequent, the longer it seems to snap back. Traveling and not having control over all my food plays a part in being completely gluten-free. Normally I go months with out exposure. I know women with Celiac who are mother's.

Even now I still have twinges during some months that lead me to believe maybe I'm pregnant. Until I have positive test results it's kinder not to take everyone on these monthly false hopes. At this point I'm learning to stop trying to have an illusion of control. Plan cautiously and know God gets the last say. Talking about it is really all right. Sharing with other people is so validating, comforting and reassuring. It's vital to ward off satan, bitterness and loss of hope. To comfort others rather than cheer up or deflect other's hurts. To listen and support others where ever they are in their different struggles. To be thankful for and live in the moment. To pray and trust God with everything.

This is the Day the Lord has Made

We sang that song yesterday morning in church and I was reminded, every day is a day the Lord makes and I will rejoice and be glad in it. Even when I don't feel like it, I am to praise God. I've been dealing with stuff this week too deep to blog much about at this point. I always try to take my heart issues to God first as He deserves to hear them all first and he's still got that one. I reach another hurdle and pause and analyze and pray and think.... then I move forward. I may add to this post or re post later if things come to mind. [ADD: We are actively pursuing adoption right now, but this experience has taught me God's plan is what matters. So until we have a child, any option God puts on our hearts is still open.]

I have been thinking about what Amy asked in response to my prior post about what others, including mommy's out there can do to help.
Before I begin:
1. I'm not an expert in this area nor would I dare pretend to speak for everyone who struggles with infertility.
2. I may have mentioned some of these in previous posts, but I decided to comprehensively list them here.
3. I'm not doing this to make anyone feel bad if you have done any of the these, just to help others be more comfortable with a state with which they may not be familiar.
4. I just know what I have thought and felt at almost 2 years in to this walk.
5. These statements are true when I'm having a good day. [What does a good day going through infertility mean? It means I haven't just gotten a personal monthly reminder of a no. It can also be the couple weeks after ovulating when I am the most hopeful and positive before the end of my cycle.]

I'm not jealous of anyone else being a mommy. I personally adore children and have always gravitated towards them naturally. It does make me feel better to hold, talk or play with your children. As I mentioned before, I want to be included, I do not want to isolate or turn away from my friends with children and only surround myself with those who don't have children. There are times when the scenario of just adults is more comfortable. Billy and I did chose a Sunday morning bible class based on parent status, but treasure our friendships with those who are parents.

Also men, please know that little girls play with baby dolls from the time they are toddlers rocking and feeding them. I saw little 2 year old Rachel do this just today. We are wired by God to nurture. Women have as much meaning [not identity] in to becoming a mother, hopefully through a successful pregnancy, as husbands have in being a provider.

Greatest sources of encouragement:
1. Prayer, there in the moment or just saying you will or have been. If in doubt what to pray for, strength for the journey.
2. Just saying you're sorry we are going through this in general validates this journey is hard.- You can give sympathy even if you don't have empathy.
3. Scriptures of encouragement. I started writing the ones people have passed on to me in this journey on note cards that I carry in my purse. I'll share those another time.
4. Asking questions - the complicated truth may follow, just accept it
5. Listening- some of the times I felt the greatest support is from people who just wanted to understand and then sat back to listen
6. Being asked to events regardless of the motherhood status of the group.- It's been easy to isolate myself at times convinced no one knows what to do with me.
7. Compassion and forgiveness for the emotions that comes with this journey.
8. Understanding that if I decline an invitation it may not always have to do with the issue, but if it does, please give grace. I am trying my best to not let my own hurt be in the way of my friendships. I do give grace that you might be uncomfortable about what to say to me.
9. Allowing pain. It's okay for me to feel it. If I feel safe enough around you, it's only a matter of time before you will see it first hand. I say this carefully, I don't need to be cheered up. I'm not despondant and you don't have to worry about my faith, marriage or emotional health. Billy and I both rely on God daily and each other in that order. It's healthy to face and feel the emotions. No matter how much you may want to, you can't fix this.

Greatest sources of pain:
1. Hearing the words "just relax". Those words seem to have the opposite effect.
2. Voicing your wishes on how you feel we're going to be able to add to our family. Whether it's giving birth, adoption, or fostering, trying longer or not only God knows.
3. Just do (fill in the blank). I know there are many ways to approach reproduction that have worked for other people. We have talked to spiritual mentors, doctors and specialists. I am a Christian who prays, reads my bible and trusts God with my life daily, (I am human too) those disciplines alone do not make this situation go away.
4. Minimzing the depth that infertility effects woman by comparison. It's not a contest of hurts. [ADD: It hurts now as it does at 5 months. It's not a situation you easily get distance from as you receive a no about every 31 days and it becomes real and hurtful very fast.]
5. Conveying your impression of how someone should be reacting or how deeply this effects a woman. If you don't know how this feels, that's all right, please don't say you do. We might all have ideas of how we might react to a given situation but until you are there, you don't know.

If you have any questions or comments about infertility I'd be happy to answer or listen. Even if you don't know me personally feel free to leave a comment here (just click on the word "kind word(s)" at the bottom of any entry) or email me at loricatherine@hotmail.com. I saw this on another blog and agreed with it "Comments are how an author knows their words are appreciated." They are appreciated more than you know.

Deep Breath

Warning: Not a happy post

In light of being authentic, I have to say yesterday was difficult. It was difficult for my mother who didn't have all of her children wishing her a happy mother's day since more than one are in heaven now. It was difficult for my three nephews 11, 13 and 15 as they had to go to the cemetery to wish their mother a happy Mother's Day. If I'm honest it is hard for me to be 35 and not be a mother. I attempted to spend the day spoiling my mom. I made a couple of lasagnas to take so that the family could get together and just be with each other yesterday. There were alot of raw feelings and tender hearts and we loved each other through it. Love does indeed cover a multitude of sins. On our way to Fort Worth Billy and I talked with his mother and she was struggling as her mother passed away last year. Both my dads don't have their moms on earth either.

The scab got peeled back a little and the wound is still there, pulsing. I ache seeing my family hurt. Maybe I can tell myself enough of the correct phrases at least to get by with a smile on the outside. This people pleaser can't heal their hurts and that's hard for me. I know several precious women in similar states waiting for motherhood or who have had that door permanently closed and I tear up. My sweet friend who God has laid me on her heart emailed wonderful encouragement during this time:

I just wanted you to know that you have been on my mind and in my prayers this weekend and, especially, today. I remember how difficult Mother’s Day used to be and how sad (and sometimes mad) it used to make me. I wouldn’t go to church on that Sunday and my wonderful husband sometimes made it a point to take me on a trip to get away sometimes. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you’re NOT alone and that I understand. I pray that God brings you comfort and peace – and your heart’s desire.

A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place

I try to pepper in a couple of casual, funny or other blog entries not only for y'alls sanity but my own, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about our family state. Some days like today it hurts so much I can't breathe. Our Friday morning ladies bible study is on Beth Moore's " A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place". Today's main scripture time was spent on Luke 1:5-25. It's the story of Zechariah and Elizabeth. If you've been reading for more than a month, yes it's the same sermon shortly preached on before Christmas that had me leaving the auditorium sobbing. Was today's reaction any different? I would rejoice in saying absolutely that I have such a great grip on this whole issue (goodness knows I've had long enough to adjust) that I could separate emotion from facts but that would not be true. Exact same reaction.

I try to see the logic, know God hasn't forgotten me and loves me, to have faith, patience. I know my value is in Him alone and not becoming a mother. Should anyone think (including myself) this should somehow get easier instead of harder, they would be sadly let down by me and any other woman I've had the honor and blessing to hear share their experience in this area. I ask myself quite a bit, shouldn't I have this down? I'm sick and tired of thinking about it, of having this source of hurt. By this time, I don't even think I have anything new to say or think. God did not promise no pain because we have faith. Yes, God does make a difference in my outlook and the choices we make in this area. He's also not a magic wand that will separate me from having to experience strong emotions and feelings. Emotions themselves are neutral. The thoughts, decisions and behaviors I make out of those emotions can be positive or negative. We all make that choice, what ever the struggle may be. As inconspicuous as I thought I was leaving the room while the video was playing, God sent a caring soul after me to just support, encourage and minister. Another caring soul emailed me this evening (I changed some details to keep her privacy) she explains well the heart of this issue. So, if you know someone else who is going through this, any of this is reassuring to hear:

Hi Lori! I just wanted to check and see how you were doing after ladies bible study this morning. I just want you to know that I really believe that you were there this morning for a reason. I’m not sure what God was trying to tell you, but I pray that you heard what He said through Beth’s words. Maybe He was trying to tell you to not lose hope or to keep trusting Him or something. I don’t know, but I hope you will have understanding.

I believe I was there this morning to hear something as well. I was really touched when Beth said that maybe things didn’t happen easily so that God could bless you. I can’t believe I’m saying this because it was really hard when we had to wait, and wait, and wait, and watch everyone else get pregnant, and hear all of the rude comments, and have to see all of the commercials, etc., etc. BUT, now that I’m on the other side, I can truly say that I feel God’s blessing through all of that. And, I can praise God because there is no other explanation but a miracle from Him that we have our son.

I know that you can’t see that right now and, truthfully, I don’t know if that will happen for you. One hope that I held on to when it was going on for me was the fact that my husband and I (especially him) were really good with children. I believed that God wouldn't have given us the gifts we had with children if He wasn't going to let us use them on our own child. I didn't know how that child would come about (biologically, adoption, etc.), but I really believed that He would make it happen.

I hope that helps you a little. It may not, but that’s OK. Remember that it’s also OK to cry, to be mad about the situation, to NOT go to baby showers, and to walk all the way around the store to get to the exit because you have had a bad day and don’t want to see all of the baby stuff!! Just know that God is still there and He DOES hear you – as Beth said this morning, there’s just a thin piece of cloth separating you from Him. He hears you, Lori!!! And, His heart is broken when yours is too.
Hang in there. I’m here if you need me.

How wonderful, reassuring and powerful to hear from someone else who understands give permission to just feel! How guilty I have felt for not always doing or saying or responding the way I thought I should be. It took this couple 6-7 years to have their son. The credibility she get from me as she has been there is enormous. It's entirely from God's word to give comfort you yourself have been given. No, she's not giving me license for selfishness or spiritual laziness. She gets that this is HARD. Nine out of ten people will understand. The one that doesn't.... those are the words that I hear over and over in my head judging, criticizing and condemning. I have to give those people the benefit of the doubt that they don't realize the harm and power their words can impart. Satan uses sometimes well meaning words, or other people's expectations of how long something should last/ how intense it should be/ how much it should effect me/ or what they believe our answer or outcome will be to worsen an already painful situation. Only God knows my heart, the pain, the faith and everything else that makes up my character and soul. I never understood how much something could hurt until this happened to us. Just like I never understood how much I could miss a loved one and what that grieving looks and feels like until my sister passed away 3 1/2 years ago. Somethings seems so easy to get through from the outside. But only when it's my valley and I'm the one clinging to God, laying on my face praying through tears do I know what this feels like.

Before any of this occurred this morning, Billy and I talked and prayed last night. We are in serious prayer for adoption. There are many reasons why we think this is an answer for us, but only God knows. We are looking to go forward next month after our anniversary. Please pray God will reveal His will to us. That's what I want even more than a child or to know why. If God wants us to wait as He's asked so many people to do for years, we'll do it. If there's a child already out there, He wants us to raise, we'll do it. Not that it won't be scary and unknown or painful at times, but with Him we'll do it.

Search me, O God,... and know my anxious thoughts

I'm bracing myself for this weekend and next. I'm not a quick thinker on my feet in social situations. It's probably why I write better than I talk as it gives me more time to think. I'm anticipating the baby conversations. I read an email today about being a mommy or wanting one and there was an ache inside. With the multiple baby showers and the wedding shower along with the wedding I'm in, I know we'll see people we may not have in a while. Inevitably the question arises as we've been married almost three years now, "when are you guys planning on kids?" Billy has this so much easier, the we're practicing gets him out of all that, plus men don't ask as much as women. The first time he said that, let's just say....it was just very unexpected. So Amy Wilson has offered to go to the baby showers with me which I don't even have the words to say how much that support means. So I will work on my chit chat, keeping the conversation light. I almost have a panic attack just thinking about small talk. I'll take my camera, takes pics, make myself useful. That's when Martha syndrome kicks in, when I'm most uncomfortable, I look for things to do.

Is it embarrassing to reveal weaknesses or insecurities? Sure, it can be. I can pretend I never have an ugly selfish thought and hide my doubts and worries or just not talk about it as if it's not a big deal and I'm not dealing with these heart issues. But then you don't really know me, you can't support or encourage or pray, what ever the Lord leads you to. I can fill my blog with pictures, casual stuff or stop all together, but I chose to be real. I spent a large part of my life hiding and pretending I'm something I'm not and the only thing I succeeded in was people liking someone I felt I had to keep maintaining. I was witness to a horrible car accident on a road trip just over three years ago and what bonded me to the friends that were in that car wasn't the fun we'd had the week before skiiing, playing and cliff jumping. It was need, vulnerability and seeing their real hearts. I've known since then those are the types of friendships that matter, that are real. So I'm flawed, deeply so, it's why I need Jesus daily. I think I have to be okay with my flaws, because only then I can accept them in others. If I am only friends with those who appear to have it all together I'll be not only lonely I won't even be able to hang out with myself. More times than I can count, I meet a woman, think to myself she has it so together we can't possibly have anything in common and only until I see some kind of humaness in that person do I feel like I can relate to them. Some of my closest friends are those that have had trials, have made their mistakes and aren't afraid to share them. It does take a safe place and person to know you won't be judged, ridiculed or looked down on. Who are we to judge one another? As Eli says in "Your are Special"

Then he heard his name. "Punchinello?" said this voice, so deep and strong. Just then Punchinello stopped. The voice said, "Punchinello, oh how good it is of you to come! Let me have a look at you."

Punchinello slowly turned around and looked at the large bearded craftsman and said, "Sir, you know my name?" "Of course I do. I made you," Eli said. All of a sudden, Eli stooped down and picked little Punchinello up and set him on the workbench. "Hmmmmm," the Maker spoke thoughtfully as he inspected the gray circles all over him, "Looks like you've been given some bad marks." Punchinello explained,"Oh, Eli, I didn't mean to; really I didn't!!! I really tried hard not to." The Maker said, "Oh, you don't have to defend yourself to me, my child. I don't care what the other Wemmicks think." Punchinello asked, "Really? You don't?" Then Eli said, "No and you shouldn't either. Who are they to give stars or dots? They are Wemmicks just like you. What they think really doesn't matter at all, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special." Punchinello laughed, "Oh, me special? How can I be special? I can't walk fast. I can't jump. My paint is peeling. I make silly mistakes all the time and I am not a beautiful Wemmick like some of the others. How could I matter to you?" Eli looked at Punchinello and put his hands on those little wooden shoulders of his and spoke very slowly, "Because Punchinello... you are mine. That's why you matter to me." Punchinello had never had anyone look at him like this before or say anything so nice, much less his Maker! He didn't know what to say!

"Punchinello, every day I've been waiting and hoping you would come to see me," Eli explained. Punchinello looked up at him and said, "I came because I met a sweet Wemmick girl who had no marks." Eli said, "I know. Lucia told me about you." So Punchinello asked, "Why don't the stickers stay on Lucia?" Eli said, "Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what anyone else thinks. The stickers only stick if you let them." Punchinello looked puzzled and said, "What?" Eli said, "Yes, the stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust My love, the less you will care about those stickers." But Punchinello said, "I'm not sure I really understand. What you are saying?" The maker said, "You will, but it will take some time. You've got a lot of marks. So for now, just come to see me every day and let me remind you how much I care about you." Eli lifted Punchinello off the bench and set him on the floor. "Now remember," Eli said as the Wemmick walked out the door. "You ARE special because I made you, and I don't make mistakes."

Punchinello didn't stop, but in his heart he thought, "I think He really means it." And each time he remembered what Eli told him and each time he went to visit and talk with Eli, one of Punchinello's dots would fall off. They kept falling off and soon they were all gone!!!



We applied some scripture this month from Leviticus. I hadn't looked at it in terms of being fruitful, but after discussion and prayer with Billy we have taken this to heart. I feel like we are waiting for something to happen now, more so than usual.

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I put a counter on my blog and to the 31 people so far in the last 3 days who have come to visit me, thank you for taking a moment out of your life to check in on me, I'm very blessed.

Chatty Thoughts

I'm feeling chatty after a much needed busy day today. I'm a little rusty being in front of people as I think I've gotten maybe a little too used to communicating with people though the computer(email, networking sites.) So today was very good for me I felt connected and productive. I got out of the house, which I haven't done in almost a week due to not feeling well, feels longer. My adult conversation skills might be getting a bit rusty, but I am getting much better at the words to the Barney and Sesame Street songs, hehe. The blessing I see in that is a hopeful preview to the balance I might need someday with children.

I had lunch with my old co workers from Nationstar which showed me how blessed I am that I have a much slower pace now. I picked up some fabric for a project I'm working on for my next quilt. I picked up my bridesmaids dress from alterations, please pray for David and Wendy, 2 weeks and counting! I went baby shopping for the now 3 baby showers this month (got through that tear free thanks to some great phone support, thank you Amy!!) I had some great phone calls. It was great to hear your voice Kristen and thank you again for the great Godly advice :-)

This blog also sometimes serves as my surrogate journal, a continuation of a habit since I've had since I was 12. It hasn't always been easy for me to share with others and I credit it to God that I can be as transparent as I am now. There are five levels of communication and I definitely have a comfort zone in the 1-2, the 4 and 5 (social chit chat) well God's still working on that one. I figure if you're reading this you want to know. If I write something here you know I'm okay with the Internet and the people I care about knowing my thoughts. I'm an over thinker, it's my blessing or curse depending on how far I take it. As Ecclesiastes says, there is nothing new under the sun, if I'm thinking or feeling it, somewhere out there some one else must as well. In fact to my joy, I found someone else with the same clothing logging neurosis I have and it was a relief to know some else out there understands this weird thing about me. I used to keep a log of what I wore when I was a teenager so I wouldn't repeat my clothing choice in the same month. There, I said it. If Jill can, so can I. And if you haven't ever thought/ heard of this and are shocked or appalled, please don't tell me, hehe.

I did all that and I'm back home in time to start dinner for Billy and pick up a few things around the house, maybe get that laundry done, etc, etc,.... gotta go :-)

Hope

On my two trips to the Ukraine it's the first thing I noticed they were missing. Hope, that twinkle in their eye. The thing in our souls that tells us everything somehow in some way will indeed be all right. Despite what ever hardships we're facing. It's a word I wear on my finger and a word Billy and I have discussed quite a bit in our journey. A new year, a fresh opportunity to be happy for others. I have bowed out of a couple of baby showers because my sorrow I'm sorry to say eclipsed me being able to be happy for others to attend and I hurt a friend in the process. I should be selfless enough to set my own feelings aside. As I had written for many years on my computer at work. "Don't be too lazy to learn or too arrogant to think I don't need to" So I learn it's not worth losing friends over. Pain can be a catalyst for good. It's a glimpse in to our character and foundation. A choice to become embittered, beaten, hopeless, angry, hardened, guarded and withdrawn or to look towards the Lord for guidance and do better, fresh hope, forgiveness in ourselves and others, more compassionate, giving the benefit of the doubt and to initiate and reach out. My other hope is, I'm a couple of days late. Even if this turns out to be nothing, I just want to honor God and rise up instead of curling up in disappointment over no #20. To attend this next month's baby showers what ever my personal circumstances are and truly only from the strength of God support and encourage these women.

Romans 5:1-5
Peace and Hope
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Fork in the Road

I've been working on this post for a few days, not exactly sure how to articulate what's on my heart these days. Here is a peek.

The effects from the IUI are not good. Whether it's an infection or my body just not comfortable and accepting of this process, we won't be trying again with help like this. I could make a doctor's appt, but since I'm being truthful I don't like going and I'd much rather self diagnose. ( Yes, I can feel the cringing. Believe me Brooke and Amy, Billy has tried.) So three roads lay before us, keep trying, adopt or keep our family at Billy and I.

I've always dreamed of carrying and giving birth to a child. With the way my body has reacted to medical issues in the last couple of years including the IUI this last month, I'm starting to think it might not be best to try and carry a child. I'm not sure if God is asking me to give this plan up or asking me to have faith and wait. I waited until my 30's for Billy. If it's a pattern of waiting and how great and worth every second of that time for Billy I'd do it. Abraham, Isaac & Jacob all had family growing doubts and issues as did Zacheriah & Elizabeth, Elkanah & Hannah. I don't think I'm doing very well opening my hand for him to take this. If I'm completely honest, it would feel like the death of a specific wish and dream.

I don't want to appear ungrateful for just a different way of being a parent. I know there's no shame in adopting. A child is a gift from God whoever's smile and eyes that baby has. I also know there are many children in my life who have touched my heart deeply and can't imagine loving them more regardless of who gave birth to them. I can see how God has worked on my heart for several years working with emotionally fragile children at camps, shelters, teaching Sunday school, children's home, foreign orphanages, VBS... Seemingly unrelated service projects that felt helpful at the time. I know God has a plan and a future and has been preparing us for that. I know a child placed in our home would not be a consolation prize, but a wonderful blessed gift from God, that he would trust us with someone else's child to raise knowing Him who might otherwise not.

God has blessed my life with Billy. I would never want him to feel as though he wasn't enough for me. That my life wouldn't be complete otherwise, anymore than I would want him to feel that way either. I would just pray for the contentment, peace and acceptance in what ever God has planned for us.

We continue to pray...

Being Content

A couple of people have asked so I'll tell you after much reading and prayer there are no appointments to pray over this month. We are going to enjoy the blesssings we have around us and put our hearts in being in a time of year where we focus on the giving that began with God's best and most perfect one, His son. There is still pain and fatique right now. I just have a delicate system.

Our strength and encouragement

Daniel 9: 20-23; 10:12-14
While I was speaking and praying, confessing my sin and the sin of my people Israel and making my request to the LORD my God for his holy hill— while I was still in prayer, Gabriel, the man I had seen in the earlier vision, came to me in swift flight about the time of the evening sacrifice. He instructed me and said to me, "Daniel, I have now come to give you insight and understanding. As soon as you began to pray, a word went out, which I have come to tell you Then he continued, "Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with the king of Persia. Now I have come to explain to you what will happen to your people in the future, for the vision concerns a time yet to come."

Romans 8: 18-39
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then can condemn? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Update

We had a doctor's appointment this morning to see if the IUI was successful. I got a call back this afternoon saying it was not. A wonderful older couple we respect very much prayed with us last night knowing we had this appointment. He said that at what ever time we have our child, God may be preparing another family for our child's mate. The timing may be more for our child's benefit and future rather than ours. However a child comes in to our home, we want to think and pray for their future. This thinking would be a good way to start being good parents and considering their best interests. We do want to look at family planning less selfishly.

No fake smiles here, just no desolate sorrow. We are disappointed, but we still trust in a powerful God who has control over everything. Thank you for your prayers, we will be in prayer about the next step. We know now that the discomfort in my abdomen and other symptoms have been from the procedure.

Definitely apt time to remember in this season to have an attitude of gratitude. I am thankful for....

My Savior and Lord of my life, Jesus Christ who gives me unconditional love and forgiveness everyday of my life.
Billy, who is my best friend and husband. His support and encouragement are priceless to me.
Family, by blood, marriage and faith who pray for and love us through this.
Health, home, talents, hope, and a host of other things I know I take for granted every day but God gives me anyway.

Real Quick

Real quick praise, just wanted to say today was the first day I haven't had the aftermath of cramps since the IUI's last week. Billy and I have lots going on between now and when we would possibly know anything. We will focus on the now and what we have. I am so blessed to have a husband who loves me through all of this, prays for me and has such a servant heart.

God's in Control

It's after 3 doctor's appointments this week (Tuesday- IUI & sono, Wednesday- IUI and sono, Thursday, sono and bloodwork) that we can't pinpoint when I ovulated. For some unknown reason, what the doctor's thought were the potential eggs laying by Thursday became sacks full of fluid. The home ovulation kits were positive on Monday, which is supposed to indicate it will happen in the next 24-36 hours. When I showed up to do the second IUI on Wednesday she said the follicles were still there and to come back Thursday. When they were still there Thursday they took blood to decide since the sacs were still there . To answer the question, had I or hadn't I ovulated? Due to the numbers of my LH and progesterone she could definitely tell that I had. We don't know exactly when that happened. It's clouded in some mystery. Only with God working on my heart all this week through the wonderful prayer warriors in our lives can I say I'm all right with that. We've done everything we were told to do and its fitting that it's in God's hands. We don't know if the second IUI was necessary of beneficial since they can't pinpoint when everything occured. It's right that God's mysterious work should not be clear on this. We wouldn't have to trust God if we could wave a dr's wand and control it all ourselves.

My prayer for today was to feel, to hope and to honor God.

IUI Days

I've really been focusing on spiritual warfare more recently. It's definitely something as far as descernment that I've been lacking in. So wonderful that all we have to do is ask for wisdom and God gives it. We are emotionally sensitive and remembering hourly, God is bigger than our emotions. Praying without ceasing is alive in our home.

Here's the technical side of what's been going on the last few days as I've said before I hope this helps someone else who God places on the path to navigate through. I've been taking the LH tests and it came back positive Monday evening, which means my hormone levels are up and in the next 24-36 hours I should ovulate. So with that in mind, the dr did the procedure yesterday. I have continued testing and the hormone is still high. So based on the sonogram and the dr saying that since no eggs have actually collapsed, we have the opportunity to have another one today. I will go back in tomorrow and have a sonogram to ensure egg(s) have collapsed. There is cramping involved in the procedure as well as several hours afterwards. There's also the usual discomfort of the sonogram. I took a very big nap, got dinner on the table and went back to sleep. Thank you for your continued prayers, we feel them.

Dr Update

Just have a brief minute to share this morning was appointment #2 for the month. I went in so they could see how many follicles had appeared from the clomid. There were 6 of these follicles, she said maybe two looked big enough to develop in to an egg. I start ovulation testing on Sunday.

That's it, my emotions are still very sensitive. I feel defensive in general, probably coming off all those hormones from the fertility drug. Hearing her talk I wanted to get my hopes up, but that's been so hard on us the last year and a half to be on the rollercoaster of hope and disappointment. Part of me wants to hide under a rock until all of this is over with. We'll just do the process and God will do what He wants to do anyway. It's best in my mind right now (safer and less hurtful) for me not to get too attached to any one particular outcome. Accept what ever comes and don't speculate. Only God has all the answers of why and how comes. He knows best.