I've been working on this post for a few days, not exactly sure how to articulate what's on my heart these days. Here is a peek.
The effects from the IUI are not good. Whether it's an infection or my body just not comfortable and accepting of this process, we won't be trying again with help like this. I could make a doctor's appt, but since I'm being truthful I don't like going and I'd much rather self diagnose. ( Yes, I can feel the cringing. Believe me Brooke and Amy, Billy has tried.) So three roads lay before us, keep trying, adopt or keep our family at Billy and I.
I've always dreamed of carrying and giving birth to a child. With the way my body has reacted to medical issues in the last couple of years including the IUI this last month, I'm starting to think it might not be best to try and carry a child. I'm not sure if God is asking me to give this plan up or asking me to have faith and wait. I waited until my 30's for Billy. If it's a pattern of waiting and how great and worth every second of that time for Billy I'd do it. Abraham, Isaac & Jacob all had family growing doubts and issues as did Zacheriah & Elizabeth, Elkanah & Hannah. I don't think I'm doing very well opening my hand for him to take this. If I'm completely honest, it would feel like the death of a specific wish and dream.
I don't want to appear ungrateful for just a different way of being a parent. I know there's no shame in adopting. A child is a gift from God whoever's smile and eyes that baby has. I also know there are many children in my life who have touched my heart deeply and can't imagine loving them more regardless of who gave birth to them. I can see how God has worked on my heart for several years working with emotionally fragile children at camps, shelters, teaching Sunday school, children's home, foreign orphanages, VBS... Seemingly unrelated service projects that felt helpful at the time. I know God has a plan and a future and has been preparing us for that. I know a child placed in our home would not be a consolation prize, but a wonderful blessed gift from God, that he would trust us with someone else's child to raise knowing Him who might otherwise not.
God has blessed my life with Billy. I would never want him to feel as though he wasn't enough for me. That my life wouldn't be complete otherwise, anymore than I would want him to feel that way either. I would just pray for the contentment, peace and acceptance in what ever God has planned for us.
We continue to pray...
3 comments:
My heart aches for you that you are going through this, but at the same time I am comforted to read about your thoughts that so closely mirror my own. I will continue to pray for your emotional and physical healing.
Sarah
Lori, I will continue to keep you in my prayers every day. Having dealt with some of these exact issues for a much shorter amount of time, I can understand where you are. I don't have any wise words; just know that you are so precious to me, and Chad and I will keep praying for God to grow your family in His way. I hope to see you tonight, sweet friend.
Lori,
Praying for healing with your physical ailment and for clarity in your path. I know it's very difficult to know when to "let go" of a dream in the manner in which you've dreamed it. It's a dream that most women have all their life to become pregnant. You're in my prayers.
Love,
Liesl
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