This brave woman and how she shares her heart is truly admirable to me. She unapologetically shares her soul, her mistakes, her dreams, hurts and pain. That to me is strength, beauty and success.
In the midst of a time in my life marked by pressures, stresses and lack of control of so much, I'm moved by a strangers warm spirit, encouraged by her sharing with strangers with out embarrassment. In being reminded of other hurts, struggles; my own seem not trivialized or minimized but somehow comfortable. To find joy through the pain in the experiences which life brings. We are baring our lives to a stranger through a profile we are currently pouring our heart and soul in to. We do so in the hopes that a woman placed in a situation with an unborn child overwhelmed and unable to love her baby as she would want to in an ideal world would trust us with the love and care for her. I realize perfection in this task isn't possible even as I'm approaching month three. Perfectionism is a cover for my flaws and imperfections that weighs heavier the longer I chase it.
I predated an entry to when I was thinking quite a bit. It's long and entirely optional. It was for me initially, but I shouldn't be selfish. So I shake as I contemplate sending this out, but I know it's a good feeling to push through. God can use anything and everything in our lives for His good.
Our Anniversary
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Happy Memorial Day
We had a wonderful afternoon spending time with friends. Thanks everyone for humoring me, we borrowed my brother & sister-in-law's camera for an upcoming trip and I had to try the timer feature out. They are the best sports :-)
(L to R, Wendy, David, Billy, Amy, Nathan & me)
Friday, May 23, 2008
D Appreciation Day
Happy birthday to my vibrant mother a.k.a. Dee appreciation day as she puts it. Like any true red-headed Italian mother, she loves the stuffings out of me and feeds me every chance she can get. (She cried when I came down with my food intolerance because she realized she didn't know how to cook for me anymore). Picture my family as My Big Fat Greek Wedding with less Windex and more red hair. She is full of life, excitement and just the right amount of motherly worry. Our relationship has come a long way mostly from some long awaited maturity on my part to know the bible says to honor your parents, not if you agree with everything they do but because God placed that relationship there. I now realize every mother does the best they can to show all the love they have in their heart. It's so easy to place parents on a pedestal they can't live up to. I learned to appreciate what she is and has to give. (It only took about 20 something years, I've always been a late bloomer) She put up with quite a bit of teenage arrogance on my part not backing down, loving me when I wanted my independence the most. Thank you for caring enough to ground, spank and put me in my place when I needed the lesson the most. Thank you now as an adult for being a sounding board, listening when life hurts, encouraging and praying for me as only a mother can.
As I hopefully come closer to becoming a mother, I hope my children can see what Billy and I try to do for them even if we miss the mark at times which I know we will. My sister Lisa had my mom's passion and exuberance for life. She would have done something big and special for her. We are both thinking of her today. I'm the quiet child, so this is my recognition for your special day mom. I love you.
As I hopefully come closer to becoming a mother, I hope my children can see what Billy and I try to do for them even if we miss the mark at times which I know we will. My sister Lisa had my mom's passion and exuberance for life. She would have done something big and special for her. We are both thinking of her today. I'm the quiet child, so this is my recognition for your special day mom. I love you.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Small Groups
I really enjoy our small groups. We have the huge privilege to belong to two wonderful amazing groups. Through these groups we have met some of our closest friends, some who challenge us spiritually, make us think, laugh, pray and care about them. Thank you Sarah and Kim for taking these pictures! My camera broke on the 2nd of this month and I feel weird without one. These pictures will go wonderfully in our adoption profile.
Sunday Night Greenville Oaks
(Gerry, Donna, Tim, Jill, Michael, Katy, me and Billy, Becky, Grant, Sarah & Ben)
(Missing is Kip & Diana who had to work and Keith & Cindy who are on a much needed sabbatical, an awesome preacher who deserves the time off!)
Billy with the guys, I needed more pics of just him without me. They all sweetly paused from grilling long enough to smile for us :-)
Us "in action", turns out Donna needed a pic of us small grouping for the church anyway.
Wednesday Night Prestoncrest
(Kim, Ashley, little Brooke (happy 1st birthday tomorrow!), Nic, me, Miranda, Billy & Jonathan)
(Missing is sweet Mica, and her angel Ava who was being put to bed, David sweetly taking the picture as well as birthday boy Chad)
I wanted a picture of Billy holding a baby so the birth mom could see how wonderful he is with children. Brooke's the happiest baby and has been since birth, she's either excited to be having her picture taken or being held by the handsome guy.... hmmm it can be both :-)
I dug this out of archives the other day and that's when I asked the girls in our Wed. group with help for an updated pic. It's our PC group Christmas 2005.
Sunday Night Greenville Oaks
(Gerry, Donna, Tim, Jill, Michael, Katy, me and Billy, Becky, Grant, Sarah & Ben)
(Missing is Kip & Diana who had to work and Keith & Cindy who are on a much needed sabbatical, an awesome preacher who deserves the time off!)
Billy with the guys, I needed more pics of just him without me. They all sweetly paused from grilling long enough to smile for us :-)
Us "in action", turns out Donna needed a pic of us small grouping for the church anyway.
Wednesday Night Prestoncrest
(Kim, Ashley, little Brooke (happy 1st birthday tomorrow!), Nic, me, Miranda, Billy & Jonathan)
(Missing is sweet Mica, and her angel Ava who was being put to bed, David sweetly taking the picture as well as birthday boy Chad)
I wanted a picture of Billy holding a baby so the birth mom could see how wonderful he is with children. Brooke's the happiest baby and has been since birth, she's either excited to be having her picture taken or being held by the handsome guy.... hmmm it can be both :-)
I dug this out of archives the other day and that's when I asked the girls in our Wed. group with help for an updated pic. It's our PC group Christmas 2005.
Monday, May 19, 2008
This is the Day the Lord has Made
We sang that song yesterday morning in church and I was reminded, every day is a day the Lord makes and I will rejoice and be glad in it. Even when I don't feel like it, I am to praise God. I've been dealing with stuff this week too deep to blog much about at this point. I always try to take my heart issues to God first as He deserves to hear them all first and he's still got that one. I reach another hurdle and pause and analyze and pray and think.... then I move forward. I may add to this post or re post later if things come to mind. [ADD: We are actively pursuing adoption right now, but this experience has taught me God's plan is what matters. So until we have a child, any option God puts on our hearts is still open.]
I have been thinking about what Amy asked in response to my prior post about what others, including mommy's out there can do to help.
Before I begin:
1. I'm not an expert in this area nor would I dare pretend to speak for everyone who struggles with infertility.
2. I may have mentioned some of these in previous posts, but I decided to comprehensively list them here.
3. I'm not doing this to make anyone feel bad if you have done any of the these, just to help others be more comfortable with a state with which they may not be familiar.
4. I just know what I have thought and felt at almost 2 years in to this walk.
5. These statements are true when I'm having a good day. [What does a good day going through infertility mean? It means I haven't just gotten a personal monthly reminder of a no. It can also be the couple weeks after ovulating when I am the most hopeful and positive before the end of my cycle.]
I'm not jealous of anyone else being a mommy. I personally adore children and have always gravitated towards them naturally. It does make me feel better to hold, talk or play with your children. As I mentioned before, I want to be included, I do not want to isolate or turn away from my friends with children and only surround myself with those who don't have children. There are times when the scenario of just adults is more comfortable. Billy and I did chose a Sunday morning bible class based on parent status, but treasure our friendships with those who are parents.
Also men, please know that little girls play with baby dolls from the time they are toddlers rocking and feeding them. I saw little 2 year old Rachel do this just today. We are wired by God to nurture. Women have as much meaning [not identity] in to becoming a mother, hopefully through a successful pregnancy, as husbands have in being a provider.
Greatest sources of encouragement:
1. Prayer, there in the moment or just saying you will or have been. If in doubt what to pray for, strength for the journey.
2. Just saying you're sorry we are going through this in general validates this journey is hard.- You can give sympathy even if you don't have empathy.
3. Scriptures of encouragement. I started writing the ones people have passed on to me in this journey on note cards that I carry in my purse. I'll share those another time.
4. Asking questions - the complicated truth may follow, just accept it
5. Listening- some of the times I felt the greatest support is from people who just wanted to understand and then sat back to listen
6. Being asked to events regardless of the motherhood status of the group.- It's been easy to isolate myself at times convinced no one knows what to do with me.
7. Compassion and forgiveness for the emotions that comes with this journey.
8. Understanding that if I decline an invitation it may not always have to do with the issue, but if it does, please give grace. I am trying my best to not let my own hurt be in the way of my friendships. I do give grace that you might be uncomfortable about what to say to me.
9. Allowing pain. It's okay for me to feel it. If I feel safe enough around you, it's only a matter of time before you will see it first hand. I say this carefully, I don't need to be cheered up. I'm not despondant and you don't have to worry about my faith, marriage or emotional health. Billy and I both rely on God daily and each other in that order. It's healthy to face and feel the emotions. No matter how much you may want to, you can't fix this.
Greatest sources of pain:
1. Hearing the words "just relax". Those words seem to have the opposite effect.
2. Voicing your wishes on how you feel we're going to be able to add to our family. Whether it's giving birth, adoption, or fostering, trying longer or not only God knows.
3. Just do (fill in the blank). I know there are many ways to approach reproduction that have worked for other people. We have talked to spiritual mentors, doctors and specialists. I am a Christian who prays, reads my bible and trusts God with my life daily, (I am human too) those disciplines alone do not make this situation go away.
4. Minimzing the depth that infertility effects woman by comparison. It's not a contest of hurts. [ADD: It hurts now as it does at 5 months. It's not a situation you easily get distance from as you receive a no about every 31 days and it becomes real and hurtful very fast.]
5. Conveying your impression of how someone should be reacting or how deeply this effects a woman. If you don't know how this feels, that's all right, please don't say you do. We might all have ideas of how we might react to a given situation but until you are there, you don't know.
If you have any questions or comments about infertility I'd be happy to answer or listen. Even if you don't know me personally feel free to leave a comment here (just click on the word "kind word(s)" at the bottom of any entry) or email me at loricatherine@hotmail.com. I saw this on another blog and agreed with it "Comments are how an author knows their words are appreciated." They are appreciated more than you know.
I have been thinking about what Amy asked in response to my prior post about what others, including mommy's out there can do to help.
Before I begin:
1. I'm not an expert in this area nor would I dare pretend to speak for everyone who struggles with infertility.
2. I may have mentioned some of these in previous posts, but I decided to comprehensively list them here.
3. I'm not doing this to make anyone feel bad if you have done any of the these, just to help others be more comfortable with a state with which they may not be familiar.
4. I just know what I have thought and felt at almost 2 years in to this walk.
5. These statements are true when I'm having a good day. [What does a good day going through infertility mean? It means I haven't just gotten a personal monthly reminder of a no. It can also be the couple weeks after ovulating when I am the most hopeful and positive before the end of my cycle.]
I'm not jealous of anyone else being a mommy. I personally adore children and have always gravitated towards them naturally. It does make me feel better to hold, talk or play with your children. As I mentioned before, I want to be included, I do not want to isolate or turn away from my friends with children and only surround myself with those who don't have children. There are times when the scenario of just adults is more comfortable. Billy and I did chose a Sunday morning bible class based on parent status, but treasure our friendships with those who are parents.
Also men, please know that little girls play with baby dolls from the time they are toddlers rocking and feeding them. I saw little 2 year old Rachel do this just today. We are wired by God to nurture. Women have as much meaning [not identity] in to becoming a mother, hopefully through a successful pregnancy, as husbands have in being a provider.
Greatest sources of encouragement:
1. Prayer, there in the moment or just saying you will or have been. If in doubt what to pray for, strength for the journey.
2. Just saying you're sorry we are going through this in general validates this journey is hard.- You can give sympathy even if you don't have empathy.
3. Scriptures of encouragement. I started writing the ones people have passed on to me in this journey on note cards that I carry in my purse. I'll share those another time.
4. Asking questions - the complicated truth may follow, just accept it
5. Listening- some of the times I felt the greatest support is from people who just wanted to understand and then sat back to listen
6. Being asked to events regardless of the motherhood status of the group.- It's been easy to isolate myself at times convinced no one knows what to do with me.
7. Compassion and forgiveness for the emotions that comes with this journey.
8. Understanding that if I decline an invitation it may not always have to do with the issue, but if it does, please give grace. I am trying my best to not let my own hurt be in the way of my friendships. I do give grace that you might be uncomfortable about what to say to me.
9. Allowing pain. It's okay for me to feel it. If I feel safe enough around you, it's only a matter of time before you will see it first hand. I say this carefully, I don't need to be cheered up. I'm not despondant and you don't have to worry about my faith, marriage or emotional health. Billy and I both rely on God daily and each other in that order. It's healthy to face and feel the emotions. No matter how much you may want to, you can't fix this.
Greatest sources of pain:
1. Hearing the words "just relax". Those words seem to have the opposite effect.
2. Voicing your wishes on how you feel we're going to be able to add to our family. Whether it's giving birth, adoption, or fostering, trying longer or not only God knows.
3. Just do (fill in the blank). I know there are many ways to approach reproduction that have worked for other people. We have talked to spiritual mentors, doctors and specialists. I am a Christian who prays, reads my bible and trusts God with my life daily, (I am human too) those disciplines alone do not make this situation go away.
4. Minimzing the depth that infertility effects woman by comparison. It's not a contest of hurts. [ADD: It hurts now as it does at 5 months. It's not a situation you easily get distance from as you receive a no about every 31 days and it becomes real and hurtful very fast.]
5. Conveying your impression of how someone should be reacting or how deeply this effects a woman. If you don't know how this feels, that's all right, please don't say you do. We might all have ideas of how we might react to a given situation but until you are there, you don't know.
If you have any questions or comments about infertility I'd be happy to answer or listen. Even if you don't know me personally feel free to leave a comment here (just click on the word "kind word(s)" at the bottom of any entry) or email me at loricatherine@hotmail.com. I saw this on another blog and agreed with it "Comments are how an author knows their words are appreciated." They are appreciated more than you know.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Heart is Engaged
[Pre-dated 5/26] Here's an attempt at articulating what's been going on in my heart that I wasn’t ready to blog about last week. These thoughts have been spurred by a combination of several events in the last couple of weeks, some this week which finally clarified things, I'm glad for the experiences. I posted what I hoped would help others and here's some of what I'm learning along the way as well. It's a long one :-)
I have hoped from the beginning of keeping a blog that going against my natural tendency to be quiet and keep to myself would somehow bless someone. I paused the first time I found out other people I didn’t know were reading my blog. I stopped to consider and felt the potential benefits far out weighed the risks. Maybe I'm over estimating my effect on people, maybe it's a grandiose ambition, maybe a tad arrogant. I could be overshooting what a blog is supposed to be all about. Should it be all about the happy stuff and I’m violating some social boundary by being too serious? Should it just stay in the acquaintance zone? Whether or not I should share thoughts, be serious or just ponder out loud for the entire internet to see should they so desire, I am. I don’t have a journalism, or English degree that would give this weight or educational credibility. Sometimes my words meander off, the grammar might be incorrect and as much as I try to run spell check, there are probably still errors. I’m not going for perfection. It comes from a heart that wants to help. I know I can not change anyone but myself. Maybe a renewed sense of purpose combined with struggles is how God finally got me to see what I should have been doing all along. Maybe it was never just about my comfort or having an easy life in North Dallas with all the job titles, higher degrees, monetary success, foreign cars, big homes, fancy vacations.
What can I help with? What am I qualified for? I'm a survivor of many things: divorce from many views, abuse of several kinds, multiple losses, physical inconveniences, and most recently infertility. In a society that values "this works for me and that works for you" the most valued characteristic is comfort. So why should my experiences benefit anyone else, because after all you're different, that's not the way you handle things. With one phrase I can justify what I think and feel is right and never have to change whether that really is what God wants or what is best for me. I know which people in my life to ask questions to validate my opinion and who will challenge me. Our tie that binds is vulnerability and shared faith. I would be missing out had I stayed with my public mask on with all the right pleasantries sticking only with my good friend who were like me. The rest of you are not needed, not invited, you will get no closer to me as I'm fine and this works for me. I may get encouragement from you from afar but am I with holding giving encouragement or not even thinking I could be encouraging by shutting you out. I've learned so much from you and am I vain hoping I affect you in some small way? Isn't that what we all want in the end, to mean something to people?
When I'm hurting yes, I want to talk to someone face to face privately with trust and love and compassion. So what do I do with the hurt, disappointment, frustrations, and missed opportunities, wrong swords said, benefits of the doubt not given; the every day stupid things that happen in my life after the emotions have passed? Shouldn’t they count for something for someone else in the end??? I certainly don't feel any compulsion to make every mistake out there and hope that someone else's mistakes can help me to avoid an additional hurt. When the valleys hit, yes for a bit we are all takers. On the mountain tops it’s easy for human kind to give. But when the people who have every right to feel sorry for themselves don't, it physically brings a reaction to my chest and my eyes sting with tears. So with the experience of the human life we need people. We all want love, respect, value, identity, purpose. We want to understand, because we all hurt.
Satan wants us to be isolated; our strength is when we are vulnerable. I’m not looking towards Hollywood. What about someone having a vocal, acting or dancing talent makes Americans believe they have the answers? Living on the surface just sharing only happy times, successes, gossip, planning as if I have control, with people I see multiple times a week, it’s all so superficial. That level of social interaction is what the term acquaintances was reserved for. Do I really want to spend my valuable finite time on earth sharing knowledge at arm's length or my heart? I can read my own bible for knowledge. Sunday worship isn’t really even about me as I’m not the audience. I don't need regurgitation week after week from a soul numbing distance. I need a fellow Christian sister to find me trust worthy and risk their heart for me. A friendship can only grow with equal amounts of disclosure from people, growing trust and vulnerability. We connect as people when we show your humanness. At some point you take the risk, hopefully sooner rather than later. There are no guarantees; my heart might not be accepted.
I don't know all the answers, I just have to stop being fake. Stop buying in to my own ability for perfection as well as everyone else around me. It's still a work in progress, probably always will be. I'm still very aware of potential rejection. It happened this week. Even in the face of that worst fear God will protect me, not me closing down, so I keep doing it anyway. So, yes, it's worth reaching out because the other choice is not living, it’s barely surviving. Regardless of the height of walls I might encounter. The other hearts willing to meet in the game far out weigh those who are guarded by her Highness' Finest and they shall not be moved. Most of my life I have had very few close friends and was quite content with my introverted state. I still am who God created, not who I've created in my own mind about myself. God loves us exactly where we are, and He loves us too much to let us stay there. You don't have to clean yourself up before you go to church, don't worry, God will do it in His time and it will stick. My church isn't just for my comfort sitting in the pew or even just about my personal relationship with God although that's the foundation for being there. There is hurt in here, we are as Prentice Meador says my old minister, a hospital. That hurting person is sitting next to me in the pew that needs me to look beyond my own difficulties in life and step out. Maybe it's as simple as just inviting, building trust over a couple months, not years…maybe we all need to remember Christians hurt too. We are real with hurts, struggles, faults. My interpretation of the prayer of Jabez, by putting my own oxygen mask on first I can then hopefully help others place theirs on. We can all risk, stretch, allow people in on a real level because they are just like us.
I have hoped from the beginning of keeping a blog that going against my natural tendency to be quiet and keep to myself would somehow bless someone. I paused the first time I found out other people I didn’t know were reading my blog. I stopped to consider and felt the potential benefits far out weighed the risks. Maybe I'm over estimating my effect on people, maybe it's a grandiose ambition, maybe a tad arrogant. I could be overshooting what a blog is supposed to be all about. Should it be all about the happy stuff and I’m violating some social boundary by being too serious? Should it just stay in the acquaintance zone? Whether or not I should share thoughts, be serious or just ponder out loud for the entire internet to see should they so desire, I am. I don’t have a journalism, or English degree that would give this weight or educational credibility. Sometimes my words meander off, the grammar might be incorrect and as much as I try to run spell check, there are probably still errors. I’m not going for perfection. It comes from a heart that wants to help. I know I can not change anyone but myself. Maybe a renewed sense of purpose combined with struggles is how God finally got me to see what I should have been doing all along. Maybe it was never just about my comfort or having an easy life in North Dallas with all the job titles, higher degrees, monetary success, foreign cars, big homes, fancy vacations.
What can I help with? What am I qualified for? I'm a survivor of many things: divorce from many views, abuse of several kinds, multiple losses, physical inconveniences, and most recently infertility. In a society that values "this works for me and that works for you" the most valued characteristic is comfort. So why should my experiences benefit anyone else, because after all you're different, that's not the way you handle things. With one phrase I can justify what I think and feel is right and never have to change whether that really is what God wants or what is best for me. I know which people in my life to ask questions to validate my opinion and who will challenge me. Our tie that binds is vulnerability and shared faith. I would be missing out had I stayed with my public mask on with all the right pleasantries sticking only with my good friend who were like me. The rest of you are not needed, not invited, you will get no closer to me as I'm fine and this works for me. I may get encouragement from you from afar but am I with holding giving encouragement or not even thinking I could be encouraging by shutting you out. I've learned so much from you and am I vain hoping I affect you in some small way? Isn't that what we all want in the end, to mean something to people?
When I'm hurting yes, I want to talk to someone face to face privately with trust and love and compassion. So what do I do with the hurt, disappointment, frustrations, and missed opportunities, wrong swords said, benefits of the doubt not given; the every day stupid things that happen in my life after the emotions have passed? Shouldn’t they count for something for someone else in the end??? I certainly don't feel any compulsion to make every mistake out there and hope that someone else's mistakes can help me to avoid an additional hurt. When the valleys hit, yes for a bit we are all takers. On the mountain tops it’s easy for human kind to give. But when the people who have every right to feel sorry for themselves don't, it physically brings a reaction to my chest and my eyes sting with tears. So with the experience of the human life we need people. We all want love, respect, value, identity, purpose. We want to understand, because we all hurt.
Satan wants us to be isolated; our strength is when we are vulnerable. I’m not looking towards Hollywood. What about someone having a vocal, acting or dancing talent makes Americans believe they have the answers? Living on the surface just sharing only happy times, successes, gossip, planning as if I have control, with people I see multiple times a week, it’s all so superficial. That level of social interaction is what the term acquaintances was reserved for. Do I really want to spend my valuable finite time on earth sharing knowledge at arm's length or my heart? I can read my own bible for knowledge. Sunday worship isn’t really even about me as I’m not the audience. I don't need regurgitation week after week from a soul numbing distance. I need a fellow Christian sister to find me trust worthy and risk their heart for me. A friendship can only grow with equal amounts of disclosure from people, growing trust and vulnerability. We connect as people when we show your humanness. At some point you take the risk, hopefully sooner rather than later. There are no guarantees; my heart might not be accepted.
I don't know all the answers, I just have to stop being fake. Stop buying in to my own ability for perfection as well as everyone else around me. It's still a work in progress, probably always will be. I'm still very aware of potential rejection. It happened this week. Even in the face of that worst fear God will protect me, not me closing down, so I keep doing it anyway. So, yes, it's worth reaching out because the other choice is not living, it’s barely surviving. Regardless of the height of walls I might encounter. The other hearts willing to meet in the game far out weigh those who are guarded by her Highness' Finest and they shall not be moved. Most of my life I have had very few close friends and was quite content with my introverted state. I still am who God created, not who I've created in my own mind about myself. God loves us exactly where we are, and He loves us too much to let us stay there. You don't have to clean yourself up before you go to church, don't worry, God will do it in His time and it will stick. My church isn't just for my comfort sitting in the pew or even just about my personal relationship with God although that's the foundation for being there. There is hurt in here, we are as Prentice Meador says my old minister, a hospital. That hurting person is sitting next to me in the pew that needs me to look beyond my own difficulties in life and step out. Maybe it's as simple as just inviting, building trust over a couple months, not years…maybe we all need to remember Christians hurt too. We are real with hurts, struggles, faults. My interpretation of the prayer of Jabez, by putting my own oxygen mask on first I can then hopefully help others place theirs on. We can all risk, stretch, allow people in on a real level because they are just like us.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Deep Breath
Warning: Not a happy post
In light of being authentic, I have to say yesterday was difficult. It was difficult for my mother who didn't have all of her children wishing her a happy mother's day since more than one are in heaven now. It was difficult for my three nephews 11, 13 and 15 as they had to go to the cemetery to wish their mother a happy Mother's Day. If I'm honest it is hard for me to be 35 and not be a mother. I attempted to spend the day spoiling my mom. I made a couple of lasagnas to take so that the family could get together and just be with each other yesterday. There were alot of raw feelings and tender hearts and we loved each other through it. Love does indeed cover a multitude of sins. On our way to Fort Worth Billy and I talked with his mother and she was struggling as her mother passed away last year. Both my dads don't have their moms on earth either.
The scab got peeled back a little and the wound is still there, pulsing. I ache seeing my family hurt. Maybe I can tell myself enough of the correct phrases at least to get by with a smile on the outside. This people pleaser can't heal their hurts and that's hard for me. I know several precious women in similar states waiting for motherhood or who have had that door permanently closed and I tear up. My sweet friend who God has laid me on her heart emailed wonderful encouragement during this time:
I just wanted you to know that you have been on my mind and in my prayers this weekend and, especially, today. I remember how difficult Mother’s Day used to be and how sad (and sometimes mad) it used to make me. I wouldn’t go to church on that Sunday and my wonderful husband sometimes made it a point to take me on a trip to get away sometimes. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you’re NOT alone and that I understand. I pray that God brings you comfort and peace – and your heart’s desire.
In light of being authentic, I have to say yesterday was difficult. It was difficult for my mother who didn't have all of her children wishing her a happy mother's day since more than one are in heaven now. It was difficult for my three nephews 11, 13 and 15 as they had to go to the cemetery to wish their mother a happy Mother's Day. If I'm honest it is hard for me to be 35 and not be a mother. I attempted to spend the day spoiling my mom. I made a couple of lasagnas to take so that the family could get together and just be with each other yesterday. There were alot of raw feelings and tender hearts and we loved each other through it. Love does indeed cover a multitude of sins. On our way to Fort Worth Billy and I talked with his mother and she was struggling as her mother passed away last year. Both my dads don't have their moms on earth either.
The scab got peeled back a little and the wound is still there, pulsing. I ache seeing my family hurt. Maybe I can tell myself enough of the correct phrases at least to get by with a smile on the outside. This people pleaser can't heal their hurts and that's hard for me. I know several precious women in similar states waiting for motherhood or who have had that door permanently closed and I tear up. My sweet friend who God has laid me on her heart emailed wonderful encouragement during this time:
I just wanted you to know that you have been on my mind and in my prayers this weekend and, especially, today. I remember how difficult Mother’s Day used to be and how sad (and sometimes mad) it used to make me. I wouldn’t go to church on that Sunday and my wonderful husband sometimes made it a point to take me on a trip to get away sometimes. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you’re NOT alone and that I understand. I pray that God brings you comfort and peace – and your heart’s desire.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
May Daily Bible Reading
May
Date OT NT Gospel Reading
May 1 1 Kings 1,2 Luke 22:54-71 John 7
May 2 1 Kings 3,4,5 Luke 23:1-26 John 8
May 3 1 Kings 6,7 Luke 23:27-38 John 9
May 4 1 Kings 8,9 Luke 23:39-56 John 10
May 5 1 Kings 10,11 Luke 24:1-35 John 11
May 6 1 Kings 12,13 Luke 24:36-53 John 12
May 7 1 Kings 14,15 John 1:1-28 John 13
May 8 1 Kings 16,17,18 John 1:29-51 John 14
May 9 1 Kings 19,20 John 2 John 15
May 10 1 Kings 21,22 John 3:1-21 John 16
May 11 2 Kings 1,2,3 John 3:22-36 John 17
May 12 2 Kings 4,5 John 4:1-30 John 18
May 13 2 Kings 6,7,8 John 4:31-54 John 19
May 14 2 Kings 9,10,11 John 5:1-24 John 20
May 15 2 Kings 12,13,14 John 5:25-47 John 21
May 16 2 Kings 15,16,17 John 6:1-21 Matthew 1
May 17 2 Kings 18,19 John 6:22-44 Matthew 2
May 18 2 Kings 20,21,22 John 6:45-71 Matthew 3
May 19 2 Kings 23,24,25 John 7:1-31 Matthew 4
May 20 I Chronicles 1,2 John 7:32-53 Matthew 5
May 21 I Chronicles 3,4,5 John 8:1-20 Matthew 6
May 22 I Chronicles 6,7 John 8:21-36 Matthew 7
May 23 I Chronicles 8,9,10 John 8:37-59 Matthew 8
May 24 I Chronicles 11,12,13 John 9:1-23 Matthew 9
May 25 I Chronicles 14,15,16 John 9:24-41 Matthew 10
May 26 I Chronicles 17,18,19 John 10:1-21 Matthew 11
May 27 I Chronicles 20,21,22 John 10:22-42 Matthew 12
May 28 I Chronicles 23,24,25 John 11:1-17 Matthew 13
May 29 I Chronicles 26,27 John 11:18-46 Matthew 14
May 30 I Chronicles 28,29 John 11:47-57 Matthew 15
May 31 2 Chronicles 1,2,3 John 12:1-19 Matthew 16
Date OT NT Gospel Reading
May 1 1 Kings 1,2 Luke 22:54-71 John 7
May 2 1 Kings 3,4,5 Luke 23:1-26 John 8
May 3 1 Kings 6,7 Luke 23:27-38 John 9
May 4 1 Kings 8,9 Luke 23:39-56 John 10
May 5 1 Kings 10,11 Luke 24:1-35 John 11
May 6 1 Kings 12,13 Luke 24:36-53 John 12
May 7 1 Kings 14,15 John 1:1-28 John 13
May 8 1 Kings 16,17,18 John 1:29-51 John 14
May 9 1 Kings 19,20 John 2 John 15
May 10 1 Kings 21,22 John 3:1-21 John 16
May 11 2 Kings 1,2,3 John 3:22-36 John 17
May 12 2 Kings 4,5 John 4:1-30 John 18
May 13 2 Kings 6,7,8 John 4:31-54 John 19
May 14 2 Kings 9,10,11 John 5:1-24 John 20
May 15 2 Kings 12,13,14 John 5:25-47 John 21
May 16 2 Kings 15,16,17 John 6:1-21 Matthew 1
May 17 2 Kings 18,19 John 6:22-44 Matthew 2
May 18 2 Kings 20,21,22 John 6:45-71 Matthew 3
May 19 2 Kings 23,24,25 John 7:1-31 Matthew 4
May 20 I Chronicles 1,2 John 7:32-53 Matthew 5
May 21 I Chronicles 3,4,5 John 8:1-20 Matthew 6
May 22 I Chronicles 6,7 John 8:21-36 Matthew 7
May 23 I Chronicles 8,9,10 John 8:37-59 Matthew 8
May 24 I Chronicles 11,12,13 John 9:1-23 Matthew 9
May 25 I Chronicles 14,15,16 John 9:24-41 Matthew 10
May 26 I Chronicles 17,18,19 John 10:1-21 Matthew 11
May 27 I Chronicles 20,21,22 John 10:22-42 Matthew 12
May 28 I Chronicles 23,24,25 John 11:1-17 Matthew 13
May 29 I Chronicles 26,27 John 11:18-46 Matthew 14
May 30 I Chronicles 28,29 John 11:47-57 Matthew 15
May 31 2 Chronicles 1,2,3 John 12:1-19 Matthew 16
Saturday, May 3, 2008
35, Really
I have to say thank you here to my husband for going to quite a bit of trouble for my birthday this last week. I know my funk lately has been due to the implications of the number I've reached. My brain know it's just a number and doesn't really mean anything and my heart is catching up to that. Last weekend while I was at the retreat Billy cleaned the house so I wouldn't have to this week. Our Wednesday night small group had delicious gf cake and a sweet encouraging card. Thank you Mica, Jonathan, Kim and David!!
On Thursday, Billy got a phone call at 5:30 pm that there was someone wanting to see the house and that we needed to leave. I was kinda irritated as we were only 3/4 of the way through the chick flick I'd picked out to rent and I was still tired from our afternoon of shopping. He just had no reaction when he hung up, not surprise at the first showing in a month and it's under contract at that. My radar went up. I'm sure he was working hard at schooling his reaction, because something definitely felt up. Of course I could have played along, but I'm horrible once I know something might be up and I couldn't let it go. So I question him on who exactly called and then reach for his phone. He springs towards it too and tells me we just need to leave and I'm ruining stuff. So I grovel for the next half hour at the park down the street from us and reassure him I don't know exactly what's going on. I was mentally going through who has access to our house and the only one I could come up with was Billy's brother Mike. So I thought, well maybe he's dropping off dinner and flowers for me or something. He gets another phone call and we head home. We pull in to the garage and I start getting nervous. Billy mumbles under his breathe, that someone said this was going to be a good idea. I start laughing nervously and ask what's in there??? He just tells me I need to go in first and I'm really starting to sweat now (serves me right for all my nosiness). I walk in and there are 14 of our friends standing there with smiles on their faces. I felt so overwhelmed I did cry a bit. I held on to Billy while everyone sang happy birthday. Thank you Amy, Wes, Sarah, Ben, Katy, Michael, Debra, Lance, Donna, Gerry, Wendy, David, Amy & Nathan for coming to our house (keeping stuff from me, hehe) and going out of your way on a work night to come over and be a blessing. All the gf food was tasty, the stew, cornbread, salad, veggies, cheesecake. You are all wonderful :-)
Friday I went out to spend the day with my family and I had such a good day seeing my sister and parents. Today I took it easy due to some non gluten food I ate, but was well enough this evening to go to the movies with Michael and Katy *thanks for the invite guys!* and see Iron Man.
On Thursday, Billy got a phone call at 5:30 pm that there was someone wanting to see the house and that we needed to leave. I was kinda irritated as we were only 3/4 of the way through the chick flick I'd picked out to rent and I was still tired from our afternoon of shopping. He just had no reaction when he hung up, not surprise at the first showing in a month and it's under contract at that. My radar went up. I'm sure he was working hard at schooling his reaction, because something definitely felt up. Of course I could have played along, but I'm horrible once I know something might be up and I couldn't let it go. So I question him on who exactly called and then reach for his phone. He springs towards it too and tells me we just need to leave and I'm ruining stuff. So I grovel for the next half hour at the park down the street from us and reassure him I don't know exactly what's going on. I was mentally going through who has access to our house and the only one I could come up with was Billy's brother Mike. So I thought, well maybe he's dropping off dinner and flowers for me or something. He gets another phone call and we head home. We pull in to the garage and I start getting nervous. Billy mumbles under his breathe, that someone said this was going to be a good idea. I start laughing nervously and ask what's in there??? He just tells me I need to go in first and I'm really starting to sweat now (serves me right for all my nosiness). I walk in and there are 14 of our friends standing there with smiles on their faces. I felt so overwhelmed I did cry a bit. I held on to Billy while everyone sang happy birthday. Thank you Amy, Wes, Sarah, Ben, Katy, Michael, Debra, Lance, Donna, Gerry, Wendy, David, Amy & Nathan for coming to our house (keeping stuff from me, hehe) and going out of your way on a work night to come over and be a blessing. All the gf food was tasty, the stew, cornbread, salad, veggies, cheesecake. You are all wonderful :-)
Friday I went out to spend the day with my family and I had such a good day seeing my sister and parents. Today I took it easy due to some non gluten food I ate, but was well enough this evening to go to the movies with Michael and Katy *thanks for the invite guys!* and see Iron Man.
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