So... I haven't done a heart post in quite some time. This should be a doozy. Read at your own risk :-) I may make you uncomfortable. You may roll your eyes. You may disconnect and click away at any given moment. You may absolutely disagree with me. You might see where I'm coming from or fall somewhere in between. Either way, the words need to come out. They may not all be wise, but they'll always be honest.
Lately, the fact that I wasn't raised actively going to church or really knowing much about God has been on the forefront of my mind. Who am I kidding? Before that it was my age and before that something else, I'm sure homeschooling or another non traditional family choice we make. I am confident in our choices after prayer, research and discussion with my husband, sometimes I just wonder where we fit in making the choices we do. The one constant theme is a feeling of not quite belonging, of not quite getting all the unspoken rules and expectations. A feeling of being an outsider within my adopted family of faith is being felt even after 13 years of calling believers, my family. Rather than bury it, I've been talking about and wrestling with these feelings of loneliness. I'm leaning in rather than escaping and avoiding.
I started going to church in high school when a friend from my soccer team invited me to her Lutheran church. The mention of the denomination only matters as there have been several and explains some of the habits I have from the various exposures as well as the lack of loyalty to one denomination. I'm loyal to God and His church... ie. family of believers, not the name on a building. Let me be clear, my journey with church, in regard to both it's beauty and imperfection is still an ongoing refining process that God is working on for me. I know for sure, I need a group of people who are trying to follow God, obeying His laws, showing His love, serving His people, Forgiving 77 x 7. Will those people at times judge me, hurt me, disappoint me, misunderstand me and reject me? Absolutely, they have and will. But, after all the friends I made in high school youth group went off the college, I found myself floundering, big time. I didn't know how to keep leading the life I had been shown and wanted. There was no one to ask questions, lead me in scripture, pray over and with me, give me encouragement and tools to grow in the faith I was just starting to understand. I saw in my friend's family a peace, a kindness, a difference that thanks to social media I know still shines from them today. They loved me and provided a refuge from messy home stuff that is with out price. I learned shortly after coming back to church ... first a baptist church, then a Jewish temple, followed by a one time stint at a church that referred to God as a she, to eventually find myself in a Church of Christ. The CofC was the first ones to tell me that God wanted to know me, wanted a personal relationship and that I could be completely myself with Him. I finally got what God had done for me and for the first time felt accepted, loved and forgiven unconditionally. I can't speak for any other nonbeliever, but I never decided to follow God out of a need to follow rules or to be told I was wrong. He did and does, but I knew already by then how much I was loved and that made all the difference. I wanted something that nothing else on earth could offer and I had tried a few very sad poor substitutes.
I shared many details of what I'm glazing over when I returned as a prodigal daughter. I felt the rejection, the awkwardness, the distance. I don't think God's people often know what to do , say, react to the degree of brokenness that's out there. There is a certain insulation that builds misusing certain scriptures about being set apart or unequally yolked. If we as believers truly want to reach a lost people and I truly believe that is the heart of believers to share the peace of God, we should be girding each other up to do so. Are we really shocked when Satan gets a foothold, when people stray, when sin abounds??? We have three sons and we homeschool them and plan to for the foreseeable future to give them the strongest foundation in faith, conviction, family and truth as we possibly can. It's NOT to put them in a bubble out of fear from a fallen world. It's to prepare them for everything that Satan will throw at them. Just like the disciples when they were mature and ready, these three amazing young men will launch in to the world and make the difference that God has created them for.
When we are in the degrees of sin and the justification of our own actions in the comparison game, arrogance will win. Disdain for the sins of others will prevail rather than the bond of being fellow sinners. We grade and elevate others while minimizing and justifying our own. If we believe what our bible says, the continuing spiritual and moral down trend will occur until Jesus returns. It's not going to look more like heaven down here, it will continue to resemble it less. No one seems to know what to do with that mess and even more so as a single woman, I was told they would not chose me for the reasons I so blindly trusted strangers with because I felt lead to share. I do still share with those who I believe God is leading to me who can directly relate, receive comfort or benefit in some way with what God has done in my life and where He saved me from and how He can and will do that for others. The sharing is now with discernment and only after someone knows my character, my heart, my intent and quite frankly, doesn't scare easily.Why did I change? Because honestly I do care what people think and how they treat me. I'm not bullet proof but I'm working on getting my value and worth through God alone. Part of me is mad at myself for being quieter and part of me believes I don't need to throw pearls to the swine. To a degree, we are supposed to be uncomfortable, we are supposed to be stretched. We are supposed to be out of our element to be reminded that only through God's strength can we face our Goliaths. Where I'm at sharing details now is that the pain from those early years is not something to be handled lightly and I am not at a place to again knowingly give someone power to yield over me that has not in some way proven that they will handle me and my past, present and future with compassion and love. Godly and brave? No. Honest? yes
Why do I care so much about the church's reaction still? I still have family I love with all my heart out there who I pray passionately know the love of God. One of them is making steps towards church community and reading her bible . I pray she is welcomed in to a community who will love her and she her Jesus. They aren't my project, I'm not trying to convert them. That's Gods job that only He can and they would have to want to accept that from Him. I will love them until the day I die no matter what they chose in life. I love them as unconditionally as I humanly can because that's what God has done for me. I owe them that. Get this, I'm the most soft spoken in my family. Where will they fit in? Who will accept them showing that God will too?? Who isn't going to gossip, get defensive and judge them? I know we are all fallen and can't be all things to any one person. BUT, We have to be willing to try to reflect as much of God as we possibly can. The Good Samaritan comes to mind who was willing to go past just awareness and pity keeping a 'safe' distance to get involved, get dirty, go out of his way to help and be there in a real way that made a lasting difference. Our prayers to deeply connect in a real world past the questions , 'Do you know Jesus and here's how you get to heaven' it's not about sign ups, it's about walking life together in love, grace and truth. Just love them, no matter if you can relate or not. Give them grace even when they don't think they need it. Trust that God is in them, created them, loves them and wants them even if they reject it, see not only their potential but the beauty they have now already and that God couldn't love them anymore if they changed everything that God didn't agree with. Rules didn't draw me to God. The thought of hell didn't draw me to God. Scandalous unfair, undeserved love drew me to Him. His word lead me the rest of the way, working through how others lived did.
So if I'm to live as a light sans the hell, fire and brimstone , lecturing and judging then when, not if, I fail I am working towards being honest, transparent and sharing that with others. I'm not going to lie, it's unconformable, risky and vulnerable. I'm not in this life just for me and my image . Everyone knows everyone else does struggle, but we hide and combine that with the superficial social media bragging of what we are doing, how we are doing it, what we are buying , with who and how often reeks of pride and selfishness. Keeping it real is about our hearts and minds as much as the mess in our homes and with our kids. You will see how I deal with hardship when I have God. Yes, it's hard not to want to bury that and pretend it didn't happen or to want as few people to witness failure and pain as much as possible. But we are light shiners, its not about us, it's about showing Christ to everyone. It's not for the weak, the safe, the calm. It's for the bold and the meek. I as a later Christian, start expecting life to be smoother, more calm after all I've been through and then I remember if I wanted easy, following Christ was not that choice. It's counter cultural to love when you want to attack back, it's against our nature to forgive when we want justice. It's hard to be selfless when we want our way right here, right now.
I haven't posted a thoughtful post in quite some time for several reasons, new baby, sickness, sleepless nights, fuzzy brain, etc etc... but I've come to realize much of the reason was just wanting to not stand out and feeling as if there are so many opinions by people with far more experience, maturity, knowledge, wisdom and faith than me. I start being mad at myself for conforming to the silence. Then I buy in to the thought of why bother? I'm pretty sure several ideas or sentences I've already written were inspired or repeated from small group, mom to mom, bible study, this week's sermon or a conversation with a friend of family member. Do I have something of value to add? God's word tells me yes, everyone does. My words aren't a new revelation. Ecclesiastes says since nothing is new under the sun. I realized it doesn't have to be earth shattering and explosive. Media reflects that perspective that only shockingly polar opposite view points get the attention. There is value in a still small voice. There is a reason why God put me here and it's to shine what ever light I can in what ever size of a circle of influence I have. God can and does turn every story in to a testimony if we are brave enough to step out and share. I don't think it's ground breaking , attention seeking or narcissistic to want to have your voice heard, to be understood and to want to understand. It's human connection and we all crave it to one degree or another. As technology changes, so does our avenue to express ourselves. Written words are far easier and less awkward to me than the spoken one, says this introvert.
So, these rules and unspoken expectations and reading between the lines are exhausting at times for me. I don't think anything is resolved by not talking about it. when peoples differences outweigh their similarities it requires thought, respect and loving the person more than the cause. I couldn't disagree more with the idea that 'everyone knows that'. I can't imagine why one person believes that 6 billion people on earth should all be on the same page and know, acknowledge or play by a series of rules and guidelines that aren't communicated. You can expect them, absolutely but I believe you will be setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt and the other person up for failure and judgment every single time. More often, as I've passed the 40 year mark, I just want to be 5 years old again, where everyone is friends with a hi and let's go play with out agenda beyond connecting, sharing and getting through life's joys and sorrows so you're not alone. I can't imagine the hurt and other situations others have experienced where that doesn't become an option for them. I, of all people with all my past baggage, make friends and build trust very slowly. While I completely believe no one can ever really 'earn' your trust, respect and love since we are ALL fallen , broken people living in this world. I don't do so lightly. I can be a challenge and jump in to what I believe has the potential to be an inspiring conversation only to have misunderstood that nothing was to be said by anyone else. I leap before I look in a often times desperate ( at least it feels like that internally) attempt to relate to another human being and feel less alone. Potentially pathetic and overwhelming and clingy to others if taken too far? Absolutely.
The baggage I referred to is in large part what inspired the words to come out. I do have lots of it, I'm not blind, stupid or in denial. That baggage is messy and rears it's ugly head in insecure, immature hurtful ways to the people around me. Does that make me unsafe, unhealthy, flawed, imperfect, toxic? Do I have unhealthy coping and defense strategies and mechanisms? Absolutely, all of those things. Who really doesn't???? But get this..... I'm ok, not being ok. I have not given up having God work on me and refine me through His transforming power, grace, love and never ending mercy. But, I know I will never be all put together, whole, healthy and sound this sound of heaven. I refuse to strain, and try to refine my own self because the results are temporary and shallow. Too much of the world and not enough God will result in me doing what ever I think is unthinkable. I am not above any sin or the ability to hurt myself and others in profound ways. There is absolutely nothing wrong with mental health support and assistance. I have reached out and benefited from trained caring people more than once in my life. I'm not putting people in the position of savior, healer or said trained professional. Often times for me, it's just validation, connection and support. To just listen, not fix, not judge, distance, worry or lecture. To just be there is an enormous gift. To say , you're normal, I get it. I struggle and to share, to let down their own walls and be emotionally accessible and present. To minimize, encourage or cheer up, only seeing the bright side is what I used to do before real life struggles started hitting me. Life's disappointments, hurt and pains are a journey and I trust wholeheartedly that God will walk by my side to a place of gratitude, repentance, joy, peace and purpose. But that won't be because of any one denying that something is bad or that it did hurt. Whether you agree with or would feel hurt also is irrelevant. Whether you would handle it in my messed up way or your own messed up way is just semantics. It's real to me and just as it would be for you. It won't define me, there's no need to panic. Not because I'm so strong and perfect, but because the one I trust and lean on is. The rejection or lack of acceptance will not make me feel better, it will just change my desire to communication openly and honestly with you. Life is hard with real struggles and real pain and pretending it isn't doesn't solve anything. Especially if we both believe in the power of God's ability to not leave us and to love and comfort us in all things.
In my immaturity and inexperience, I have shied away and was easily overwhelmed by other people's emotions. We all have our varying lines of what we can do and how much we can be there for other people. I rely and am in desperate need of God's strength and the changes only He can work when I am open, broken and hurting. The enemy would lure me to believe this wouldn't be the case if I grow up with the additional foundational years knowing and learning Christ. But, logically I know that's not true. Real relationships are messy. They require work, forgiveness and layers of communication from the mundane, painful, awkward, humbling, joyful and saddened. Close ones require authenticity, vulnerability and trust. Emotions I've come to find out in the church are a debated topic. The conservative thought is not to be lead by them or be manipulated by them, to have a tight self control over them so we don't sin. The liberal side saying we are to be lead by the Spirit and be joyful - it is a fruit of the spirit. God created us and our emotions, they aren't the be all end all, but they aren't to be feared either. Emotions can be intense, grief over my sister the last ten years at times knocked my breath out. While I wouldn't advocate it, I completely understand the desire to numb that intensity in what ever unhealthy way the world offers. Denial, drugs, workaholic tendencies, the list is endless, temporary and futile. They always surface, I may be able to talk myself out of something now but eventually they demand our attention. In a perfect world maybe on the other side of life here is a place of balance of emotion and logical/ heart and head. I don't know one single person that has mastered that act. Some dive head long with out thought of preparation or consequences. Others who can talk themselves out of anything with risk, with a challenge, that don't want to be stretched and grown with out careful loss/ benefit risk analysis. Yesterday, in our bible class time, the phrase was shared, we treat people how we treat God and vice versa. When I'm hurt, offended or disappointed am I backing off, rejecting, losing the benefit of the doubt? Am I making people earn me to a level no normal person can? What does that say about my relationship with God??
Truthfully, I tend to be more of the emotional side. As I've gotten older the slowing down, talking through, working out details has grown and had practice. It does not come first. In my marriage, I'm often the mad cap I Love Lucy with another off the grid idea that my husband has a list of, have you thought about this ____ replies. After almost 10 years of marriage, we make a good team and balance... most of the time ;-) Differences aren't a threat, an attack or a judgment, but a reflection of individuality and that's ok.The challenge arises when we only want and value our own approach and way to tackle life's issues.
When I'm empty, it's easy to turn a circumstance in to a complex. It's easy to pick out the differences and reject rather than wait for what feels like an inevitable rejection.
It's easy to believe the nice words others are saying are just
'kindness' and not truth. It's easier to believe the worst. It's easier
to take offense. It's easier to withdrawal. It's easier to use people and love things. It's easier to look for what ever requires the least amount of self reflection to fill a void.
It's easier to hide behind words and projects and excuses. It's just
easier to not do what's right, what's best and what will benefit myself
as well as yourself in the long run. It's not that I can't or that I
don't know the correct answers, I'm just empty. Where do I start
climbing my way out? I know there's light, but what will make me want to
do the work to get there? For me, it began with 4 people truly caring and being all in.
So, over the last 7 months of adjusting to being a family of five, the gamete of new scenarios, opportunities and circumstances have been several. With little sleep waking up by a child's cry and falling asleep sitting up soon after the house gets quiet, the tank goes towards empty. The ability to navigate roles and juggle responsibilities is even more compromised. The social, spiritual, physical, extended family and marital needs and commitments suffer. Lord willing, in our family we are coming out of survival mode more aware of what pulls us from each other and God. We aren't stronger, we are more pliable for God's work in our lives and more aware of the needs around us that we can meet as fellow sufferers. We are more aware of the need for the ultimate connection to be able to pour in to every other relationship that at times can both fill and drain us. The one source that's never ending will fill all of those other roles, bringing gratitude, love, peace that passes all understanding and a love that's beyond our own capabilities. In our brokenness, walls come down. We are better parents for being in touch with our struggles, brokenness and humble awareness, acceptance and need of the grace of God.
Our preaching minister has been going through well known people of the bible and being really honest about the struggles, the flaws, the sins, the insecurity, the rebellion, the disobedience. I'm a little late to the party as the series is in it's 8th week. I'm catching up during quiet time when the boys are playing in their rooms during the week. I needed this. I'm giving a big sigh of relief. I feel like I've hit a bottom lately with things I can't control like hormones, sleep and schedules as well as my own lack of focus and filling with my own time with God in a meaningful way that's just about Him and me. I'm starting to feel 'normal' and needed the reminded that He equips the called, He doesn't call the equipped. God can use the broken, the flawed, the sinful, the messed up and I'm SO GLAD because my list is not pretty on paper of the mess that is me and the fact that God isn't scared off, detoured or indifferent, but so invested in me that He has a purpose for me and will use everything to reach others. I just need to stay present and available. I need to be ok, not being ok. Are you?
