I can tell I haven't blogged my pics because they sit in a separate folder ready for me to do so. Seems it was a good idea as I needed the reminder. Here goes :-)
Easter!
I thought this was such a sweet pictures of my in-laws. They took a cruise with their high school friends. Here are my carpool buddies Sarah on the left and Amy on the right from the Ladies Retreat. I love these girls!!
For my birthday Billy spoiled me with most of all with his time. He also willingly let me drag him to Joann's Fabric Store and other shopping. The strawberries come six in a box, that's what made it home. On Saturday we went to dinner at my favorite gluten free restaurant with four friends and watched a movie.
We received Billy's niece's baby announcement which inspired me to do some card making/ scrapbooking early while I still have time. Congrats Starla!
So, I started working on the scrapbook for the baby. Yes, you can see the bump here. I'll post more as I get it done. Encouragement cards we have received. This lay out needs more work. I printed out what I shared at the retreat to include in the baby's book. I want him/ her to know what God in our lives to bring them to us. The next layout I'm working on is all the great responses we've received. I spent hours copying and pasting responses from here and Facebook. This child will know how excited so many people were to hear what God had done. This is our "stone building".
Some light reading. What can I say? I'm a reader. It's how I approach most life experiences, this is no different. Thank you to Amy and Robin for a couple of these books and for the maternity clothes!!
Can't do an entry these days without food, could it be because I eat ALL the time?? After weeks of trying different solutions. This finally got me a restful night sleep. I bought some general pastel fabric to start blankets. I didn't know until after I bought the polyester fabric to do a tie fringe quilt, that it requires flannel. I'll find something to make out of this. Wonderful gift from Billy.... just because :-)
God put it on my heart back in January to volunteer to share our testimony of waiting after hearing the title of this year's Ladies Retreat. At that time, I envisioned it would be a story of us actively waiting. It did not have the ending it does now. I am posting it so I can remember what I shared and also I promised a few women who couldn't make it so they could read if they wanted to. Blogger feeds in to Facebook so you may be reading it there also. This is the result after 6 revisions, 3 dry runs throughs--not once getting through with tears including today in front of almost 90 women in Westminster, TX. Much of it comes from previous posted blog entries that I condensed. I also added a couple of entries that so I could tell the story of what God has been doing in our lives chronologically.
My 'aha' moment of the retreat from the speaker was "I'm only in control of surrendering, that's it." Not even that controls the results, but nothing makes me more worthy. I can't earn it, speed it up and most of all control even if I receive what it is after I surrender. God calls me to surrender....
Also, if you did go to the retreat and have pictures, I volunteered to scrapbook the event for the church, so please email me at lcturnbow(at)gmail(dot)com and I'd love to include them in there, thank you!!
Waiting on the Lord
When I heard the topic of Waiting for this retreat I knew I had something to share.As the agenda says this is definitely from my heart , it’s not yet a distant experience I can recall without emotion, but I think that’s okay.
Starting in 2006 my husband Billy and I started our wait for a family.The most honest and true reflections of what that looked like for us are recorded in an online blog that I’ll read some from here in a bit. It was an outlet for me along with prayer, friends who had been there as well as those who were right there with us struggling.As a little girl no one had to encourage me to hold a doll and rock it. God gave me this maternal nurturing side of His characteristic. I’ve always wanted to be a mother.
Here are some partial entries that show what our wait looked like…..
8/9/07
Yesterday we made progress in finding a fertility specialist. I took the business cards my obgyn gave me and ran them by two very good trusted friends in the health care field. It was an incredible blessing that both came back with the same name, they not only took in to account the information I had but they knew, looked in to insurance options,... God really has placed the most amazing people in my life. I couldn't do this alone... Billy has been wonderfully understanding of the many strong emotions emitting from his wife. I've said before I don't want encouragement, but I think I just don't want a summarization. I want to know how other people have dealt with frustrations, disappointments , unmet expectations, that's encouraging to me... not "everything will be okay" while I know that, it just doesn't acknowledge the meaning of all of this...Okay, I digressed. So I went online and read the 19 PAGE new patient packet ( I will have no personal secret information by the time I have completed this, I just know). I am looking forward to a consultation so we can find out what all the options are. So Dr Doody here we come.....
8/22/07
The most amazing site and sound greeted me this morning as I pulled out of my street, a wonderful sunrise and this song "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman on the radio. What a wonderful start to the day :-) I'm so glad I had my camera
I need to make an appointment for the dr, to see why I'm still sick to my stomach and the adoption agency requires a release from my dr to ensure we can physically provide and care for a child as part of the adoption paperwork. The paperwork is very personal/ private process with lots of of hypotheticals due to it being a Christian agency. How would we disciplin a child? How do we plan to instill spiritual values and biblical knowledge in our children? What are out hopes, dreams, goals and general aspirations for our children? This and many more issues we'll need to sit and pray about, get intentional. Somehow I don't think we'd be articulating these ideas if we weren't going through this.
11/19/07
We had a doctor's appointment this morning to see if the IUI was successful. I got a call back this afternoon saying it was not. A wonderful older couple we respect very much prayed with us last night knowing we had this appointment. He said that at what ever time we have our child, God may be preparing another family for our child's mate. The timing may be more for our child's benefit and future rather than ours. However a child comes in to our home, we want to think and pray for their future. This thinking would be a good way to start being good parents and considering their best interests. We do want to look at family planning less selfishly.
No fake smiles here, just no desolate sorrow. We are disappointed, but we still trust in a powerful God who has control over everything. Thank you for your prayers, we will be in prayer about the next step. We know now that the discomfort in my abdomen and other symptoms are an infection from the procedure.
Definitely apt time to remember at this Thanksgiving season to have an attitude of gratefulness. I am thankful for....
My Savior and Lord of my life, Jesus Christ who gives me unconditional love and forgiveness everyday of my life.
Billy, who is my best friend and husband. His support and encouragement are priceless to me.
Family, by blood, marriage and faith who pray for and love us through this.
Health, home, talents, hope, and a host of other things I know I take for granted every day but God gives me anyway.
Winter 07
Billy and I prayed last night for reassurance that God hears us, that we aren’t forgotten. A friend come up to us during prayer time to say God wanted us to know “He heard us” It was the exact prayer, we hadn’t told anyone we prayed it. What a merciful God we serve to meet us where we are at.
5/12/08 – Day after Mother’s Day
In light of being authentic, I have to say yesterday was difficult. It was difficult for my mother who didn't have all of her children wishing her a happy mother's day since more than one are in heaven now. It was difficult for my three nephews 11, 13 and 15 as they had to go to the cemetery to wish their mother a happy Mother's Day. If I'm honest it is hard for me to be 35 and not be a mother. I attempted to spend the day spoiling my mom. I made a couple of lasagnas to take so that the family could get together and just be with each other yesterday. There were alot of raw feelings and tender hearts and we loved each other through it. Love does indeed cover a multitude of sins. On our way to Fort Worth Billy and I talked with his mother and she was struggling as her mother passed away last year. Both my dads don't have their moms on earth either.
The scab got peeled back a little and the wound is still there, pulsing. I ache seeing my family hurt. Maybe I can tell myself enough of the correct phrases at least to get by with a smile on the outside. This people pleaser can't heal their hurts and that's hard for me. I know several precious women in similar states waiting for motherhood or who have had that door permanently closed and I tear up. My sweet friend who God has laid me on her heart emailed wonderful encouragement during this time:
I just wanted you to know that you have been on my mind and in my prayers this weekend and, especially, today. I remember how difficult Mother’s Day used to be and how sad (and sometimes mad) it used to make me. I wouldn’t go to church on that Sunday and my wonderful husband sometimes made it a point to take me on a trip to get away sometimes. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you’re NOT alone and that I understand. I pray that God brings you comfort and peace – and your heart’s desire.
6/20/08
I am searching for answers only God can answer. My mind is going to the fact that I only call on God because He's calling on me. What's He calling me for? I've prayed, I've read the stories of women crying out, pleading with God for a child in the bible. I hit a wall this afternoon. One that had me canceling all plans this evening, because all I wanted was God and my husband. I wish I was thicker skinned or stronger.
I'm not coveting, I don't want their babies. I realized today the one thing I do without fail that fills me with the most guilt and shame in regard to infertility. It's when I hear of other people's good news. I'm happy for that couple and still as soon as I get to a private place, I sob. For several minutes and nothing in particular runs through my head as my heart feels like it's breaking. It's completely illogical to me that some one's happiness brings pain to me. We are called to rejoice with those who rejoice. How ungrateful and bitter it sounds to my own ears. I keep thinking there has to be some flaw in my thinking, in my heart, in my view that's effecting my behavior.
I ask why don't we get blessed? What did I do to block God's blessings for us in this area? A punishment for past sins? What have I done that I have not confessed, that I haven't repented? I don't know that any one single mistake in my past says barrenness. Any mistake that hundreds of women haven't made and yet they still receive the blessing of pregnancy. I hope I have had enough distance that I realize where I've failed in the past and what sins I've committed. I realize where I've been a chicken when I should have learned on the strength of the Lord. God will reveal what I haven't realized in His time.
8/20/08
I've found in my searching’s several infertility, adoption blogs. The infertility ones have started to make me feel more sad. I began to wonder why that was. This is my own experience and personality talking. It starts building in me a sense of desperation. Scraping for a way to make it happen. Maybe it's just time to completely move forward. To close the door. Maybe that's unrealistic, I can never close the door of the grief and loss I have had of family members passing. It's a continual journey. In my own battle it brings up control, as if I have control. That I just haven't found the right procedure, medication, (excuse me for getting personal) position to conceive a child. When did it become all about me and my efforts? I can only do my part. So the rest is up to God. I don't know that if I tried IVF if I would get another infection or not as I did from the IUI. Adoption so far has been no less of a wait, no less vulnerable than our efforts to try to conceive. It definitely seems different for everyone at what point they are ready to start looking at other ways to become a parent.
If I knew the outcome it wouldn't require faith. I can confidently state that I know what God can do. Does that mean He will do that for us? Only He knows how our path to parenthood will end.
10/5/08
This song pertains to what ever we're waiting for in life. For us of course, it's a child. It's from the movie Fireproof by John Waller.
While I’m Waiting
Psalm 5:3, 27:14, 33:20, 37:7, 38:15, 40:1, Isaiah 30:18, Lamentations 3:24
John Waller
"The explanation for this song is simple, I was waiting on God and I was hurting when I wrote the lyrics. I probably wouldn’t have written a song if my friend, Mike, hadn’t encouraged me to document what I was going through during that time. I’m sure there are few people who can’t relate to this song, but the important thing to remember while we’re waiting on God is to not just wait but to actively wait. Serve, worship and be faithful with what you have, where you are… “even while (you) wait.”
11/4/08
We have spent much time contemplating having a child in our house. I’mfinding the more real the adoption process becomes to us, that no matter the circumstances,adoption is complicated. The realization that this could have occurred within the next couple of months has been both exhilarating and frightening. Most women have 9 months to adjust from dream to reality, to prepare emotionally and logistically. We've had the last 2 years, 4 months and 6 days to think about our future child in theory. There has been and will continue to be so much to pray about.
How do I tell you this wasn't our chance at expanding our family? How can I express how very difficult this decision was for us? I don't know that I can, because only we can feel the aches in our chest. We continue our wait with faith. We trust God and believe that this precious baby is meant for someone else. That perfect family for him was not us. I ask for your prayers for Joanna and her precious baby boy. They are going through a Christian adoption agency and God will be in this baby's life. There are hundreds of people just like us waiting as well.
I could ask God why bring this opportunity to us if he's not supposed to be with us? I want to ignore all the complications, all the issues and just love a child. I want to change the tracker on this blog to my child's age. I want to fill the bassinet in the nursery. Only because of God do I have a bigger picture, that it's not about blame, anger or regret. Only because of Him and remembering my priorities of God first, then my husband do I know I have much to be grateful for. Part of me doesn't want to care how it will actually happen, I just want a baby to love. I know if I was on the outside, I would believe it's that simple. It's not about bravery. It's not about circumstances or logic. It's about faith. God is working through both of us and we trust He will bring to Billy and I the right child He has meant for us. When that time comes, we will willingly with out reservations accept our future child in to our home, our lives, our hearts.
There's so much more to say, but that will come in time with more perspective. It would be exceedingly easy to let my heart lead. Now I must allow God to lead my heart forward. I can't believe this is an actual post.
I don’t have any more words right now. Tomorrow is a brand new day.
February 2009
A friend came up to Billy at church this morning with care, hesitant but conviction saying he felt it n his heart to tell us that God wanted us to know “we would have a child soon”.
3/27/09
My lack of personal entries the last few weeks has been due to adjusting to the shock of family news. After almost three years we have found out we are pregnant. We are very grateful for God revealing His timing to us. Of course the journey to this point might ( and I stress the might) have been easier to know from the beginning, here is your wait time. We did not get any such E.T.A. We haven't done anything different. Any clique in regard to relaxing, being in the adoption process or any other such urban legends do not apply. This is quite simply what God's plan is for us. We are in no way experts in how to 'get this to work'. His will, plan and timing are played out differently in each situation. We also do not loose the perspective from the last 3 years either.
The division that seems to exist like an invisible line between being a parent and not has long been and still continues to be mystifying to me. Not only has there been shock as the news has been settling in for us but also fear. We know first hand not everything goes as we plan or wish. Fear of somehow undoing this, of yet another disappointment. Miscarriages are in my family and I do have several higher risk issues. My age, how long it took us to get pregnant, as well as my auto immune condition are all in God's hands. We pray frequently not to live in that fear. Satan will not steal this experience that we thought was lost from us. God made this baby start to grow and only God knows the future. We do trust all the unknown to our known loving God.
This process can be like planning a wedding, overshadowing the rest of your life for a time. No, I will not complain in regard to the feelings of discomfort that have already begun. We did pray for this step of the journey emotionally and physically. One of the things I've wanted most of all in sharing our news was to show respect for other much cared for friends whom I know very well where they are at emotionally. They announced last week in church about several births and there was still a twinge knowing our news. That awareness doesn't go away for me with one test result.
We ask for prayers for the health and growth of this baby. Thank you for being part of our journey the last 3 years and onward. We also ask for prayers for those still waiting not knowing what God's plan is for them. We have made amazing friends in the last three years and know this news will affect them. It's still early and anything can happen, but the doctor says we are due November 3, 2009.
______________________________________________
I did continue living, I didn’t have a choice.Life refused to stop and recognize I wasn’t getting what I wanted. A constant monthly roller coaster of doing our part, waiting, dealing with the no, gearing up enough hope to try again the next month with some semblance of joy again and again. Simultaneously we dealt with two failed attempts at adoption outside of our agency and stalled classes again and again with them. I questioned so much, so many times.
In these three years, Billy and I changed churches and found Greenville Oaks. We found people who reached out and even if they didn’t know exactly what we were going through, they embraced us.We bought a new house (in the back of my mind I’m thinkingis this a faith leap buying a bigger house or just more rooms that I feared at times we’d never get to use?) In my stronger moments I knew we would, what I didn’t know was how and when. I prayed to remember I was enough, my marriage, my family, my friends and most of all my God was enough before we started trying. I had outlets of friends, the blog and projects that helped me through. Only through much prayer was I able to listen as God showed me how I could serve instead of feeling like all I could do was survive. I strove to remind myself of Job ‘s trials and His faith to say “shall we accept good from God and not trouble”? I prayed to remember other people were going through things as well and I could be of help to them and not be overwhelmed by my own pain.God alone helped us moved forward during 32 month’s of no’s trying to conceive.
I have never been more happy to see a phase go. The second trimester rawks so far!! I have my energy back, the nausea is only slight and occasional now. I can handle food and smells better. I feel and look like myself. I look forward to getting out of the house seeing three-dimensional people and getting back in to some routines that have gone by the wayside the last couple of months-church, small group, the gym. We had our 12 week appointment on Tuesday and heard the heartbeat. Billy got in on video and the sound is most precious to us.
I have a question for those that had the option of sequential screenings. Was it worth it? I'm not for more tests just for the sake of knowledge unless it will affect delivery or something that can be treated in utero (sp). It sounds as though it's nothing we wouldn't find out at the 20 week appointment anyway.
In fact, all the yuckiness lifted just in time for me to be able to head to the Ladies Retreat for church this weekend. I wasn't sure for a while I would be able to make it this year. Only thing I won't be doing is trying to do is sleep on a bunk bed this year. I'm grateful the retreat is only about half an hour from my house so I'll drive back and forth. I ask for prayers at 1:15 pm tomorrow as I'll be sharing our journey to parenthood with about 90 women. I haven't stood in a group of people in years, so I'm a bit rusty. I knew this was God leading to share when the theme of the retreat was announced "While We Wait: The Adventure Unfolds".
Session 3 Isaiah 43:10, Romans 12:2, John 16:13-14, 2 Timothy 1:14, Jeremiah 33:3, 2 Timothy 1:6Deuteronomy 34, Joshua 2 & 6, John 4 What keeps us from experiencing the full power of the Holy Spirit? Tradition, trust, lack of obedience, fear of the unknown, giving up control, pride, family, rejection. So we were challenged to ask ourselves some questions: What's holding me back? What am I going to do about it?
Galations 5:16-26 Be willing to follow through and be consistent, trusting, courageous, time in the Word.
6 women then volunteered from our church at that point to get up in front of the rest of us to share specific incidences in the way the Holy Spirit had spoken to their hearts. Had I been more courageous, I would have shared when Billy and I in our small faith asked God to let us knew He heard us. The next morning in service during prayer time, Teresa Shaw approached us and said God told me to come tell you he hears you. We don't believe in coincidences. We believe in the Holy Spirit. We asked and God answered. We were very humbled by the experience.
Saturday afternoon during our free time, I had an unexpected talk with a cherished friend who I've known for 5 years and I'm so blessed that God has drawn us to the same church. I treasure her friendship and know that God is in that relationship. She really helped me get my head and heart around the image and authenticity that's been on my heart. Saturday evening, I had the opportunity to share with some other girls about what we have been going through. The conversation went in that direction as they began to share what year plan they were on. 2, 5 or 10 years until they planned to have children. I paused when asked what our plan was and spoke slowly praying that God had placed this conversation at this time and place for me to say that it's God's plans. We can lay out the most well meaning intentions, but the control and trust is with God.
Sunday morning:
Shirley Marble spoke and talked about bowing to an untamed God.
Galations 1:13-17, Jonah: all, Isaiah 63:11, Exodus 13:21-22 Jonah was by far the most convicting scripture reading for me to hear. He believed that Nineveh was not good enough for God to save. God replied as he does with authority just like with Job when all was taken away, also to the Pharisees and Sadducee's. Who am I to judge or question? Did I create them? Are they my children? Have I known them before they were in their mother's wombs? I think it's infinitely interesting that He was much more harsh with those who knew His word and yet had a hard heart then with those who just stumbled searching for Him. I hate thinking I only knows the words and not His heart. Hosea 6:6 She challenged us if something was laid on our hearts to act on it, reach out to who ever the Holy Spirit is drawing you towards. The more you say no, the quieter the voice gets and the easier it gets to tune His voice out. Luke 13:23-24, John 14:25-27, Mark 6 She left us with the challenge to leave in joyful urgency.
I know I'm missing something, but I'm pretty tired and need to rest so I can get things done tomorrow. I need to get the portfolio finished for the adoption agency so that birth mothers can look through for potential matches. The sheer weight of this project has my procrastinating perfectionism stepping up at a time it needs to shush.
I got home this afternoon our Ladies Retreat. I personally really enjoy times of pulling back, relaxing and rejuvenating. I know after those times my heart is more open, more full of God's grace and peace and my love for others looks more like God's for a time. Our theme was "Bloom with Abandon" a discussion of our walk with the Holy Spirit. Vivian Vance walked us through both the Old and New Testament in regard to the Holy Spirit and how He works in our lives. She took all the mystical wierd assumptions we might have had and answered with God's word and heart. Some of this I'll try to tie in later. Nuggets (or in this case whole chickens full) of truth I walked away with are:
Session 1 The Holy Spirit is about living with the most powerful life source in every cell of my body. Whether or not I look you in the eye, I have a relationship with people. First of all How do I know for sure it's God's voice? The kindergarten answer? It's biblical truth and it's positive. How do I know it's NOT the Holy Spirit's leadings? It's negative, angry or has hatred in the message. The scripture references are: Genesis 1:1-2, Exodus 31:3, Numbers 11:17, Deuteronomy 34:9, Judges 16:13, Ezekial 36:24-27, Isaiah 59:20-21 In these Old Testament verses God spoke first through the Spirit then when Christ came through Him who had the Holy Spirit.
Session 2 At this point she asked us to have our own quiet time and reflect on how the Holy Spirit was involved in our: birth baptism temptation ministry.
Matthew 1:18, Luke 4:1, Isaiah 61:1, Luke 4:14
We then went in to small groups to discuss these themes. My group consisted of me and one other woman (couple of other women hadn't made it). I admit I glazed over my answers at first, not knowing this woman. I was not sure how to broach this topic that for the majority of my life hasn't been clearly understood. I had no logical reason to trust her with my life, my flaws, my mistakes, or my struggles. There is no past history, no building of trust. I was justified right?? (tongue placed firmly in cheek) I start talking out of nervousness. I shared some very general stories, you know the safe church stories that show I have faith and make me look good. When I ask how this dear woman answered, tears came to her eyes and in that instant I felt like a fraud. I knew I had shrunk God to a safe answer and was so worried about my image that I forgot I'm in a safe place. If I can't be real with my church family, where? (it's a theme that's been on my heart for some time now, true authenticity) I felt tears sting my eyes and I was convicted to listen as I was captivated by her heart before she opened her mouth. She spoke from her soul and I was encouraged to do the same. Neither of us was embarrassed by our hearts, by the pains we shared or the mistakes we admitted. I felt safe, loved and encouraged by a woman I had never met before who showed her vulnerability by the tears shining in her eyes and I wished I had been the courageous one first. This was church, this was Jesus with skin on.
This is my own journal from the weekend... read at your own risk. You can end here or just skip down to the song lyrics but I'm feeling empowered: Image cracks me up. I spend all this time sizing up other people to determine how much "me" they can really handle. I try to imagine a church full of me's. Cautious, logical, safe. No one saying anything out of place, making the right answers, with the correct general statements. Where does that go? If my life hadn't hit any major road blocks I could have probably existed in my pseudo safe place for who knows how long. Slowly dwindling, growing less dynamic, challenging, or alive. Wear the right clothes, have the right hobby's, go to the right restaurants...doing the drill. Then BAM! MY plan isn't working? What? I did it right, I met and married a wonderful Christian man. We had a plan, didn't God hear our plan? It was well thought out, logical, safe and moral. Okay, don't freak out, no cracks remember, don't let them see you sweat? That doesn't show faith. You'd hate to be called insecure or anxious, that means something about your faith too doesn't it? *Breathe* Okay, no big deal, just suck it up and tough it, God will come round right? Because I'm obedient and I'm a good christian. For how long, do I just grit my teeth? This isn't a superficial wound that will pass in a week, not to minimize other hurts. The worst thing that happened to you is still the worst thing that ever happened to you. It's not a contest of who has been through the worst or most. My flesh is week, my heart is hurting, crying and two years is a long time living in pain. So, then the mask and the image and plans all shift. The questions raise up... No, don't ask those, God will just take care of you.. (pat on the hand, now cross your hands, smile and don't be too noisy). Where's my church? Where's my help? What will they think? Where is just a hug? When God is prying my fingers open slowly from my clenched hand holding my dream one finger at a time. I don't need someone else adding to the list of do's and don'ts added already to the voice of doubt inside of my own head. I need comfort, I need prayers. I'd never make it as a Jew or a gentile. I'm not going to pretend that I can live up to the hundreds of laws they are required and have no grace. Sheer will power and self control are going to earn me my way to heaven? Who am I kidding? Fear and threat of condemnation will never motivate me to raise to a higher standard of dying to myself and living from someone else. I can't answer the call of the Holy Spirit in my life as the voice of condemnation is drowning Him out. If I'm going to err on one side, either too many laws or wild grace then grace wins, God says so. Or there's the gentile path. No thank you, tried that. I'm too aware of my flaws to pretend I'm not in desperate need of a way to heaven outside of myself through Jesus. If I'm wrong about everything else, I've got my salvation and nothing takes that away (cringe away satan, that's right) I'm done allowing satan to keep me boxed in scared, safe, logical, smart, worldly. All this wild God talk, someone is going to think I'm one of those bible thumping holy rollers.:-O Good.
I'll blog later about Saturday nights session, lights out after dark discussion and as well as Sunday morning's lesson. Also, note to self, never really did justice to the Retreat I went to in February because of the death in our family. So I need to give that equal time. For now, this song playing in my mind all afternoon:
Holy Spirit, Dwell In Me
Holy Spirit dwell in me Touch my eyes that I might see All your goodness grace and pow'r Stay beside me ev'ry hour Be my drink, be my living bread Keep me sheltered, keep me fed Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit dwell in me
Holy Spirit comfort me Let my heart be one with Thee When I'm worried soothe my mind Let me sweet contentment find May I run this wicked race Filled by your amazing grace Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit comfort me
Holy Spirit rescue me Set my soul completely free Beside Jordan make my bed In God's bosom lay my head Let me live in a brand new place See my blessed Savior's face Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit rescue me
I went with three sweet sisters out to Brookhaven Camp in Hawkins for a women's retreat entitled Glorious based on the book Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge.. It's the female companion book to Wild at Heart. The entire weekend was centered on the heart of a woman. As women we reflect a very specific side of God. Femininity is about our tenderness, our ability to offer from our hearts what ever talent the Lord has given us. Our beauty isn't in how we dress or do our make up, our weight or our physical body parts. It's taping in the courage God supplies when we truly are aware of our worth and who we are and can then offer our beauty to a hurting world. We are cautioned to give incrementally and to have discernment with how much and to whom we give. In order to access that beauty and to be able to give, we have to deal with our wounds and to be healed. The entire weekend was indeed a glorious experience. Here are the three precious souls I was able to drive there and room with for the weekend. I appreciate so much them sharing their hearts with me as well as allowing and respecting me to share with them and treating that with such care:
The experience spoke to me personally with my heart and how I'm dealing with my dreams not being able to come true as I have envisioned since I was a little girl about motherhood. I have increasingly over the last year and a half started closing off my heart. So the disappointment isn't as overwhelming, but God gets smaller too as I have shut him out of my dreams. I've stopped looking forward and in ways that can be good to be in the present, but I've taken power and control over my heart from God. I took in several wonderful pearls of wisdom, one of them being that God may say no to my plans of wanting to carry a child, but He never says no to my heart. I must trust him with my dreams, desires and future. He is in control of all of them. He does have a plan and a future,there is always hope.
The weekend was an excellent time of reflection and quiet time with God. It got me to realizing some old wounds I hadn't dealt with. Lies that the enemy has tricked me in to believing about myself, what I have to offer and my worth. Also, able to renounce promises I'd made to myself in the midst of both of these. Through my own interpretation of events as a child I convinced myself at an early age that no one liked the real me. So I remember telling myself that I had to keep hidden. The older I got, the less attention I was comfortable with. It's another reason why this venue is so important. I have something to offer, people do care, want to see my happy and not everyone wants to hurt me (another lie I believed). It's incredible the magnitude the lie becomes. Only when the lie becomes so ridiculous, outrageous and paralyzing do I realize what I've bought in to. It was a very powerful reminder to take all of my fundamental questions/ doubts/ fears about myself to God. Only my maker can truly and accurately answer why I'm here. The world doesn't get the power to tell me who I am.
East Texas by the way is absolutely stunning in the fall:
I took my antibiotics yesterday morning, started to get nauseous so I took what the dr prescribed for me at noon so I could eat lunch. Maybe it's because I just haven't had alot of physical aches and don't have a high tolerance to pain/ meds. I felt loopy, somehow my head detached from the rest of my body for the afternoon. It's that feeling that I'm annoying myself, so surely I'm annoying others and I should shoosh. I got off work, laid down at 5 pm and woke up at 5:30 this morning. Sure enough, the bottle and my kind friend Brooke told me this might make me drowsy. Lesson learned? Don't take the nausea or pain meds (they say the same thing on the bottle) unless it's right before I go to bed.
Ashley, my niece (that's us with my sleepy brother a few years back) called me in the middle of Women of Faith crying. Not pain/ physically hurt, but I could tell something emotionally wasn't right. We have the same hair, naturally curly, frizzy and pretty unruly. (We at different times try to remind each other it's special and unique) She and I both work to smooth, tame and straighten it. Her friends last year took her to the salon and she was able to get her hair professionally straightened. This year she tried one at home, damaged her hair and had spilt ends making it necessary to have the bottom 4 inches of her hair cut. I put myself back in to a teenager through her eyes and would have felt very upset knowing school was starting this week. I asked if there was anything I could do and she said no, she just wanted to tell me. I hope I have that kind of relationship with God. See, this hurts God? I know you'll understand, we have the same hair :-)
Change going on around us: start of a new school year for my nieces and nephews and all the teachers I know, more traffic and longer commute to work, Billy after 9 years no longer works with his brother, my brother is getting ready to move to Colorado. I feel in many ways we are in this holding pattern though. Like an airplane not quite approved for landing. Billy talks about us not wasting this time that we have together and it really is precious. Maybe I just want there to be a holding pattern. This last week was tough on the emotions. Part of me feels ready for calmness, no updates, no excitement, no news. Billy and I both talked about a numbness and detachment. That much tugging on our emotions that quickly, our souls both just need a distraction, a diversion. Something fun and not overtly serious. We both have serious personalities though, so we talk. I am so glad God knew this about me, my tendency to over evaluate and keep picking at something. He gave me someone who wants to talk as much as I do. My brain just doesn't let these matters go easily. I've kept a diary/ journal since I was in elementary. Always a place to escape to, get everything out and be able to go on. My escape, my haven, my place of rest is God. He built in each one of his children, this resiliency, this need to hope, to look for the good. As we get older, that ability can be stilled, quieted. I want to never stop looking for the bright side of things, the silver lining. The "it could be worse" or as my mom would say, starving children in _______ would appreciate what I was refusing to eat. (Offering to send it to them didn't go over well.) Maybe it's just being grateful, as children we don't really know what other people have or what it's supposed to be like. Then we start looking around and somehow our happiness drains away. If I just had this or that, then I would have it all together. No one does. God's current blessings are enough. I would hate to turn around and one of his current blessings (husband, health, home, family, friends, job) be taken and realized I wasted it by yearning for what I didn't have. I think of my last conversation with my sister. Feeling I was right that everyone should be able to go to my grandfather's funeral and championing this cause. So what that I felt I was right, did I really do any good? When I should have just understand where she was coming from, been there for her, given compassion instead of solutions. I wasn't going to change her mind and now living with the fact that yes we loved each other, but out last words were not kind. Her birthday is getting closer and everything starts reminding me of her.
Must end on a sweet note. When little children get excited to see you, I just think it's the biggest ego boost. You pour attention and caring in to a child and it comes back ten fold. Wes and Amy let me get my baby fix sitting her from time to time. Isn't she just the cutest thing?
For my birthday Billy spoiled me with most of all with his time. He also willingly let me drag him to Joann's Fabric Store and other shopping. The strawberries come six in a box, that's what made it home. On Saturday we went to dinner at my favorite gluten free restaurant with four friends and watched a movie.
Encouragement cards we have received. This lay out needs more work.
I printed out what I shared at the retreat to include in the baby's book. I want him/ her to know what God in our lives to bring them to us.
The next layout I'm working on is all the great responses we've received. I spent hours copying and pasting responses from here and Facebook. This child will know how excited so many people were to hear what God had done. This is our "stone building".
I bought some general pastel fabric to start blankets. I didn't know until after I bought the polyester fabric to do a tie fringe quilt, that it requires flannel. I'll find something to make out of this.
Wonderful gift from Billy.... just because :-)
