Summer and Fall 2013

Here's the catch up I've been working on for a while now.....
In many ways, this year was a quiet summer with out my usual outlet here to get some things off my chest. In other ways, it's been a hectic summer with two moves. First in April to an apartment with a broken foot and finally in August to our new home that was finished being built. Our old home sold in two days, so while that let us off the hook of having to worry about two house payments, we also needed to find a temporary place to live for 4 months with my broken foot and two very active boys under the age of four during a hot summer. We also experienced a miscarriage in that time period as well, our second in as many years. So ,in a way I'm glad to have that time to solely process and frame all that happened in a way that allows movement, healing and going forward. In the fall, after setting in to our house we discovered we were pregnant again. We were much slower to announce or share even with our closest family and friends. The roller coaster had taken it's toll on our hearts, mind and bodies as well. Building and growing a family has been one of the most faith building struggles and exciting period in my life. I'm incredibly grateful for the privilege to carry a child, for what ever time has been allowed. I'm grateful and humbled when I have met both of our sons. As I am both a third child as well as the third of the same gender, I was truly so excited to discover the baby I'm now able to carry is a precious boy as well. Not just 'another', not a consolation prize, not a disappointment. Girls are amazing and I grew up with two wonderful sisters, but also knowing that my oldest sister had three beautiful boys before leaving this earth and never got to meet mine makes me feel indescribably close to her and like a beautiful gift. Losing her was the most painful shocking thing I've experienced as an adult and this does feel like a gift from God because He knows. We have a small family, but in my heart I really have a big one. I think of the failed adoption attempts before having Matthew and the now two babies waiting to meet us in heaven and I can't wait for us all to be together one day.

I've put off blogging too because in many ways when I'm pregnant I feel raw, sensitive, exposed and emotionally a bit fragile. I'm sure anyone reading this is running through and reading it normally silently to themselves. I am wiping tears from my eyes every few minutes, because life right now is so beautiful. I know there are no guarantees in life and I treasure and am so undeserving of the place God has brought me to right now. God blesses us all massively and uniquely and individually because of His great love for us. It's overwhelming at times what He allows us to do even though sin is still in my heart, mind and life every day. Selfishness, impatience, irritation, judgement, resentment, taking offenses and giving them, missing opportunities to be generous, inclusive and grace giving. The list for this is also massive. It's what keeps me close to the cross.

I was so thankful in a recent discussion of the mommy wars on comparison, judging and competition that someone lovingly said, "I don't care. I don't care what other people are doing with their children and families." It wasn't an uncaring statement, she's one of the most tender hearted compassionate people I know. The truth in that is so freeing. It's not a contest, this is no ONE way. We aren't cookie cookies, God works through our lives in a unique way just as He does through yours (who ever is reading this) and they are both beautiful and flawed and exciting and bittersweet.

I am enjoying the sweet kicks of this little guy. I'm enjoying having a 2 & 1/2 year old and 4 year old who are playing more and better together (not 100% of the time of course) but do have this growing beautiful relationship. I am enjoying play dates and crafts and baking and homeschooling and Christmas Advent and even the recent ice storm that kept us indoors for 5 days. I'm humbled to apologize to my children when my selfishness overrides what's best for them and how God has charged me to be stewards of their souls and hearts for such a short time. My goal isn't independent children ( they will HAVE to depend on God to get through), or responsible children (our economy shows us hard works doesn't owe you anything) or even just kids who believe in God (most of the world does that with no relationship, sacrifice, yielding of will or even a nod at the grace, obedience and light of God) I needed some refocusing, to remember over the last 8 months that moral, well behaved children isn't my goal. Passionate followers of God willing to trust God with wherever He leads them to further His cause is. I also needed to know in my heart (it was in my head) that boys are different, not worse, not better. Just far different than the girl lead house I was raised in with a strong single mother and a baby brother who was vastly outnumbered. They are gloriously strong, smart, funny, spirited, physical and hands on. I'm so glad I'm not in what I was comfortable and known, because then I could rely on my own experience, strength, knowledge and strength and I would fail as I've always done when that happens. I'm unbalanced, awkward, making mistakes, trying again and learning and praying and asking forgiveness. It's beautifully messy and I wouldn't trade it for all the confidence in myself for anything.

Matthew: 4 years old

These are pictures from Matthew's small birthday celebration back in November. Due to ongoing tiredness, we kept it to our church small group who have boys around Matthew's age.  Yes, I'm behind still on the blog. Yes, I plan on catching up. Between settling in to the new house, two active boys, being a wife, having some semblance of a social and spiritual life and carrying our third child, life has been busy.

I did want to celebrate in a theme that was particular to his current interests and super heroes are big to him. If a character wears a cape, he's in. Larryboy from Veggie Tales, COTU from Auto be Good, Wyatt from Super Why and Batman are among his top favorites.  We've been talking quite a bit about what makes them super is that they help other people, defend the weak and are kind. There is so much faith building material in this stage, I'm loving the lessons to pass on.

Matthew is a leader at home and also one of the most cautious kiddos I've ever met. He's careful, precise, eager to excel, please and be right. He's also quite a follower with stronger willed kids. He has a beautifully sensitive heart with a precious smile and introverted spirit that is thoughtful and quiet at times. Like all children, he's more diverse, complex and unique than any one description, label or title. He's an incredible human being and I'm honored to be his mother.

craft table

City scene

Super hero training

daddy's having some fun

capes to go home with

food

games

Our birthday boy, LOVE him!

 

Daniel: 2 years old!

I'll do a general summer post with moving twice and everything else that's been going on in our family since I posted last in March, but Daniel turning 2 deserved it's own entry. We went to a neighborhood splash park and invited our good friends to come and celebrate with us! This happy, snuggly, laid back boy is such a heart warming addition to our family. His charm and personality definitely draws people to him. He adds so much laughter to our world :-)

Happy Birthday big guy, we LOVE you SO much!!!!!

House progress

If you know our hearts well enough, you know how excited we are for what God has been doing in our lives through this house. It's not about the materialist part, it's about trusting, being good stewards and knowing God has plans to use this- as everything else- for His glory. This is definitely not a need and God can be glorified in everything, this is how and where He's been leading us this year. 

EDIT: This auto posted because I believed (wrongly) that I would have time when we moved in to add the rest of the pictures and have the completed house picture up. It took a month to get internet, so I'm just now able to complete the post. Here goes!

Welcome Home!

Matthew : 3 1/2

Oh my, Matthew is a full fledged preschooler. I'm thankful to be there everyday for his conversation, questions and insights from my strong, independent little boy.  Here are my favorite pictures over the last 6 months of Matthew.

We've been talking, reading and watching videos about sharing God's love with others. He now asks if daddy is helping people and talking about Jesus at work.
He does mad spoon faces from Lord of the Beans regularly.
He will play game after game of hide and go seek.
There was no adjustment at all to our move last month. He refers to our temporary apartment this summer as a 'nice warm house' several times a week.
He's energetic, helpful, sensitive, strong, helpful, fun, silly and quiet. I love all the sides of my amazing first born son.
He's in size 4t clothes and 8 shoes.