Expectations

Since I've started using Flock as my web browser, I've broadened my spectrum of blog reading. Since their system scans all the feeds and lets me know only who has new entries I spend half the time looking to catch up with friends. So I've found in my searchings several infertility, adoption blogs (along with some gluten blogs, grief, wonderful Christian women opening their hearts, etc) . The infertility ones have started to make me feel more sad. I began to wonder why that was. This is my own experience and personality talking. It starts building in me a sense of desparation. Scraping for a way to make it happen. Maybe it's just in me time to completely move forward. To close the door. Maybe that's unrealistic, I can never close the door of the grief and loss I have had of family members passing. It's a continual journey. In my own battle it brings up control, as if I have control. That I just haven't found the right procedure, medication, (excuse me for getting personal) position to conceive a child. When did it become all about me and my efforts? I can only do my part, check there. So the rest is up to God. I don't know that if I tried IVF if I would get another infection or not as I did from the IUI. Adoption so far has been no less of a wait, no less vulnerable than our efforts to try to conceive. It definitely seems different for everyone at what point they are ready to start looking at other ways to become a parent.

If I knew the outcome it wouldn't require faith. I can confidently state that I know what God can do. Does that mean He will do that for us? Only He knows how our path to parenthood will end.

I think about what kind of parent I want to be. I want to be a parent that cares more about their spiritual, moral and emotional development than being their friend. Yes, I want to protect my children from harm but I do not want to protect them from the consequences of their own mistakes. I don't want to be their best friend yet I want them to feel loved. I want to prepare them for adulthood and all the decisions and responsibilities so they can be productive members of society. I want them to know I am there for them no matter what decisions they make in life. Mostly I want them to have a personal relationship with God, to know in their hearts they are loved, forgiven and accepted by our Heavenly Father. To live a life that is pleasing to God, not full of perfect choices but one full of thankfulness, appreciation, a heart for others and recognition of their own sin. I don't want the American dream of college, marriage and 2.2 kids. My dream for them is fulfillment and success according to God's standards. Nothing is wrong in and of itself with doing/ having the american ideals unless that's their top priority and goal. I would want my children (especially a little girl) to know true beauty is reflected in the way we treat others not on our exterior appearance to have self respect for herself enough to dress modestly and to not turn to boys for her identity or worth. For a boy to know their value isn't in how much money, how successful they are. I do not want a spoiled child that I am afraid to stand up and be the adult, parent and discipline. I pray when those moments occur to do so in love and with the heart to teach not punish. I pray to give them more of me and less of stuff. I pray they will have the consideration, manners and respect, to be humble and sure of who they are in Christ. A quiet strength that doesn't need to be felt by bragging of accomplishments, putting others down, judging, having the right answers, wearing the right clothes.

Are the already mothers just smiling and shaking their heads? Aren't we the most idealistic, hopeful, optimistic we can surpass any challenge of a task on the brink of it? Why else would we attempt college, marriage , children?? I approached college with the most positive I can do it all attitude. I completed two years, took the courses that interested me in childhood development and was happy with the knowledge I gained there. Does that mean I stopped learning after that?No, my education just took on more on the job training and life experiences than I first envisioned. Marriage is definitely worth every effort. It is effort for two individuals to merge their lives together no matter how much they have in common. No two people will agree on everything. Billy and I try to learn something from our disagreements, it feels like it's less in vain that way for us. We believe it's an opportunity to work on an area of our relationship. Anything rewarding requires hard work and sacrifice. The initial infatuation stage with the obsession is just the beginning of what becomes better and different. I enjoy being at the 4 year stage with Billy, the way we know each other and yet still continue to learn. Does our relationship look and feel like what I thought it did when we were engaged looking towards our marriage? Yes and no. We are human and we both make mistakes, I work on showing Billy unconditional respect every day. The level of communication, intimacy, appreciation, feeling of being a team and having my best earthly friend beside me leading me towards the Lord is priceless.