Hope

On my two trips to the Ukraine it's the first thing I noticed they were missing. Hope, that twinkle in their eye. The thing in our souls that tells us everything somehow in some way will indeed be all right. Despite what ever hardships we're facing. It's a word I wear on my finger and a word Billy and I have discussed quite a bit in our journey. A new year, a fresh opportunity to be happy for others. I have bowed out of a couple of baby showers because my sorrow I'm sorry to say eclipsed me being able to be happy for others to attend and I hurt a friend in the process. I should be selfless enough to set my own feelings aside. As I had written for many years on my computer at work. "Don't be too lazy to learn or too arrogant to think I don't need to" So I learn it's not worth losing friends over. Pain can be a catalyst for good. It's a glimpse in to our character and foundation. A choice to become embittered, beaten, hopeless, angry, hardened, guarded and withdrawn or to look towards the Lord for guidance and do better, fresh hope, forgiveness in ourselves and others, more compassionate, giving the benefit of the doubt and to initiate and reach out. My other hope is, I'm a couple of days late. Even if this turns out to be nothing, I just want to honor God and rise up instead of curling up in disappointment over no #20. To attend this next month's baby showers what ever my personal circumstances are and truly only from the strength of God support and encourage these women.

Romans 5:1-5
Peace and Hope
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Gifts

My intangible gift this year was definitely a reminder of peace and contentment with Jesus regardless of what we know we want and don't have, we are very blessed. I pick these books up and read as needed. They are on loan to me by a sweet dear sister who understands what we are going through. Thank you, Liesl.


Special tangible gifts were many. First one was from my husband. When I came back from the ladies retreat a couple of months ago, he borrowed my journal to see what I had experienced. The little elf also made a note of all the songs I wrote down that we sang that weekend and compiled them all on a CD he made for me. The thoughtfulness and encouragement of my walk with Jesus is the best leadership quality my husband has and he definitely touched my heart and made me cry with his thoughtfulness.



The other cry moment was my mother when I gave her and my step-dad the family quilt I made. It definitely, like me, has it's flaws. But as my mom says " I made it with my own two little hands", it was a very sweet and I'm glad she enjoyed. I actually pieced the front together and made a duvet out of the back due to time constraints.



Touching moment was when my mother in law gave me a necklace they bought on a trip to Australia some years ago for her mother who passed away this year.



Funny moments are many, including Billy's parents giving us both old jeans with a clever card telling us to dig deeper for the "real" gift underneath. Our whole family was very generous and kind to us this year and we are very blessed to have all of them in our lives. My nieces Joan and Ashley gave me and their mother replicas of dolls we used to play with as children. She really does smell like strawberries :-)

Joy

What sweet encouragement :-)

Admission into Joy©
PSALM 30:11
You took away my clothes of sadness, and clothed me in happiness.

The first step to joy is a plea for help, an acknowledgment of moral destitution, an admission of inward paucity. Those who taste God's presence have declared spiritual bankruptcy and are aware of their spiritual crisis. Their cupboards are bare. Their pockets are empty. Their options are gone. They have long since stopped demanding justice; they are pleading for mercy....
They ask God to do for them what they can't do without him. They have seen how holy God is and how sinful they are and have agreed with Jesus' statement, "Salvation is impossible."
Oh, the irony of God's delight-born in the parched soil of destitution rather than the fertile ground of achievement.
It's a different path, a path we're not accustomed to taking. We don't often declare our impotence. Admission of failure is not usually admission into joy. Complete confession is not commonly followed by total pardon. But then again, God has never been governed by what is common.

Christmas Eve

Looking forward to getting together with family tonight, sharing meal, each other's company and gifts.

The Christmas Story


Pictures of Billy's grandmother his uncle saved from when she passed away this last January. Billy's mom brought a CD with tons, such great family history.

What Christmas is all About

Our mom and dad on Billy's side of the family got in town today. I'm always so grateful that they drive 8 hours to come see us :-) We went and looked at Christmas lights. I pray everyone has a blessed day remembering the birth of our savior. May your time with family and friends be truly blessed.

"Go into the street, throw a rock at someone, you will make them angry. The emotions of love, empathy and laughter are much harder to trigger, but since they operate on a deeper level, they bring a much greater reward. "

O'Neill: I've always been fascinated by Christmas. When we were really young, my friends and I were walking home in New York City on Christmas Eve, when suddenly we heard the slamming of brakes. We turned around just in time to see two yellow cabs sliding into each other.

The two drivers got out of their cars: one looked like a longshoreman, the other like he just got off the boat from a foreign country. My friends and I were kind of nervous, thinking there would be a fight. Any other day of the year, it would have been World War III with blood on the street—especially in New York City. Instead, the first guy says, "This is completely my fault; let me pay for it." The other guy responds, "No, this is something I could have gotten in any parking lot." Next thing you know, they're looking at pictures of each other's kids, talking and joking.

So at a really young age, I learned there was something about this day that makes people more compassionate. Then you look back at history. During many wars, both sides would stop fighting on Christmas Eve—even the Korean War, when one side was largely non-Christian. It's an incredible day that works magic on the individual and national level.

Merry Christmas :0)

I've been sick lately, first a cold then a mirgraine over the last week. I'm feeling better in time to get everything done the weekend before Christmas :-)) What's been on my heart lately is value and security. I really enjoyed our Sunday morning bible class lessons lately on the Kingdom of God. It's one of those things I've known before, and when it's shaken I need the reminder. When I start seeing my value in anything except for God I'm sunk.

I really enjoy these songs, hope you do too.

More family Fun!

Here's also a few more pics of the family from last weekend :-) Our family is notorious for hiding from the camera/ and or sticking their tongues out. So, here's what is left that is good!

My cousin, Jenny with her husband Kevin and son Ashe.


Ashe opening gifts, he was really sweet to watch


Louis & I on a four wheeler, my aunt and uncle have 90+ acres


It really was a fun time with family.


Okay, I get a kick out of finding fun stuff on other people's blogs. So click here, hehe. In case you're wondering where the green faces came from, the original picture was taken 3 Halloweens ago when we were Shrek & Fiona :-) I thought the green might be more elf like.

The joy of Family

We had a great weekend filled with family this weekend.

Friday night was Sydney's play, they did "A Christmas Story". She played Skut Farkus (Happens when you have more girls than boys willing to act). She did a great job!


Saturday, we drove out to Detroit, TX to spend the day with my mom's side of the family. Here are a couple pics:

Billy and I


Grandma, Mom and I


Billy and my brother, Louis


Grandma and her five children (Auntie Debbie, Uncle Danny, Uncle Donny, Auntie Donna and my mom)


I took a ton of pics of my cousins little boy I'll post later.


We had a very powerful sermon yesterday. Our preacher is going through "The Couples of Christmas" Last week was Joseph and Mary. This week was Zechariah & Elizabeth. I was excited seeing the couple listed in the bulletin knowing it would speak to us. What I underestimated was just how strongly it would speak to our hearts. Only one other time have I walked out of a sermon beause the emotions were too intense (I'm not a quiet crier). It was a cathartic release of sorts. I tend to try to out think my emotions and bypass the actual dealing. God doesn't usually let me get away with it.

Looking forward to the errands I have today, Christmas shopping, lunch with a friend. I'm so blessed to have this additional time and I couldn't do it without the support of my husband :-)


After some looking around, I found Locks of Love. Children have a soft spot in my heart. Some people like curly hair or I could donate it straight... got plenty of time to decide as I grow it out.

Every Season is a Season to Give

I am looking for opportunities quite frankly to be less self focused and to help someone else. I have more time then money right now, but I think that's what getting in the Christmas season is really about. It's what makes this time of year so special. Everyone starts really thinking about those closest to them to figure out the perfect gift. We finally take the focus off what I'm planning, want, don't have etc. When I look around and start listening to other hearts I finally have perspective that it's not just about me and what's going on in my life. I was listening to KLTY and their Christmas Wish program. Listening to the hurt and struggle out there brings tears to my eyes. The only way to give and be a light for Jesus is to put the focus where it needs to be. I've been struggling with this, so I welcome your comments on ways to help this and any other time of the year. We do have an orientation to go to Sunday morning and are filling out ways to serve there. I really miss being involved. We tried unsuccessfully for months at our old church, I really hope we can feel needed here.

Fork in the Road

I've been working on this post for a few days, not exactly sure how to articulate what's on my heart these days. Here is a peek.

The effects from the IUI are not good. Whether it's an infection or my body just not comfortable and accepting of this process, we won't be trying again with help like this. I could make a doctor's appt, but since I'm being truthful I don't like going and I'd much rather self diagnose. ( Yes, I can feel the cringing. Believe me Brooke and Amy, Billy has tried.) So three roads lay before us, keep trying, adopt or keep our family at Billy and I.

I've always dreamed of carrying and giving birth to a child. With the way my body has reacted to medical issues in the last couple of years including the IUI this last month, I'm starting to think it might not be best to try and carry a child. I'm not sure if God is asking me to give this plan up or asking me to have faith and wait. I waited until my 30's for Billy. If it's a pattern of waiting and how great and worth every second of that time for Billy I'd do it. Abraham, Isaac & Jacob all had family growing doubts and issues as did Zacheriah & Elizabeth, Elkanah & Hannah. I don't think I'm doing very well opening my hand for him to take this. If I'm completely honest, it would feel like the death of a specific wish and dream.

I don't want to appear ungrateful for just a different way of being a parent. I know there's no shame in adopting. A child is a gift from God whoever's smile and eyes that baby has. I also know there are many children in my life who have touched my heart deeply and can't imagine loving them more regardless of who gave birth to them. I can see how God has worked on my heart for several years working with emotionally fragile children at camps, shelters, teaching Sunday school, children's home, foreign orphanages, VBS... Seemingly unrelated service projects that felt helpful at the time. I know God has a plan and a future and has been preparing us for that. I know a child placed in our home would not be a consolation prize, but a wonderful blessed gift from God, that he would trust us with someone else's child to raise knowing Him who might otherwise not.

God has blessed my life with Billy. I would never want him to feel as though he wasn't enough for me. That my life wouldn't be complete otherwise, anymore than I would want him to feel that way either. I would just pray for the contentment, peace and acceptance in what ever God has planned for us.

We continue to pray...

Being Content

A couple of people have asked so I'll tell you after much reading and prayer there are no appointments to pray over this month. We are going to enjoy the blesssings we have around us and put our hearts in being in a time of year where we focus on the giving that began with God's best and most perfect one, His son. There is still pain and fatique right now. I just have a delicate system.

Rachel Christmas Pictures

Amy & Rachel came over today to take pictures, she said it was okay for me to share (She's sooo beautiful!!): Click on each picture for it to come forward

Make a slide show, scrapbook, or ecard

Thanksgiving Weekend

Lots of fun with my family in Fort Worth for Thanksgiving Day. It snowed! It didn't stick or last long, but in Texas it's a BIG deal :-)



I'm also thankful for my sister who cooked a wonderful meal and called many times to make sure it wouldn't bother my food allergies. Thank you Ister for cooking a great meal :-)



Billy and I have spent a great few days off together with family, we did some shopping, had some great meals and decorated the house. We read all the accounts of the birth of Jesus today to have the right frame of mind.



Favorite new shopping additions this year from Hobby Lobby:

Our strength and encouragement

Daniel 9: 20-23; 10:12-14
While I was speaking and praying, confessing my sin and the sin of my people Israel and making my request to the LORD my God for his holy hill— while I was still in prayer, Gabriel, the man I had seen in the earlier vision, came to me in swift flight about the time of the evening sacrifice. He instructed me and said to me, "Daniel, I have now come to give you insight and understanding. As soon as you began to pray, a word went out, which I have come to tell you Then he continued, "Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with the king of Persia. Now I have come to explain to you what will happen to your people in the future, for the vision concerns a time yet to come."

Romans 8: 18-39
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then can condemn? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Update

We had a doctor's appointment this morning to see if the IUI was successful. I got a call back this afternoon saying it was not. A wonderful older couple we respect very much prayed with us last night knowing we had this appointment. He said that at what ever time we have our child, God may be preparing another family for our child's mate. The timing may be more for our child's benefit and future rather than ours. However a child comes in to our home, we want to think and pray for their future. This thinking would be a good way to start being good parents and considering their best interests. We do want to look at family planning less selfishly.

No fake smiles here, just no desolate sorrow. We are disappointed, but we still trust in a powerful God who has control over everything. Thank you for your prayers, we will be in prayer about the next step. We know now that the discomfort in my abdomen and other symptoms have been from the procedure.

Definitely apt time to remember in this season to have an attitude of gratitude. I am thankful for....

My Savior and Lord of my life, Jesus Christ who gives me unconditional love and forgiveness everyday of my life.
Billy, who is my best friend and husband. His support and encouragement are priceless to me.
Family, by blood, marriage and faith who pray for and love us through this.
Health, home, talents, hope, and a host of other things I know I take for granted every day but God gives me anyway.

Family Time

This has been an exciting fun filled week. All of our immediate family on Billy's side came in town for our version of the holidays. We've gone to the Dallas World Aquarium, natatorium, shopping and a Turnbow restaurant fav Babes Chicken House. Kinda tired tonight, but have time to post great family group pics :-)


The family putting on their best smiles (yes, that is his best smile):





The family being themselves,...... any questions???

Spiritual Gifts

I enjoy learning more about myself so I can be more effective, so I took several tests, including this one: Your Spiritual Gifts

Gift Measure of Spiritual Gift Score
mercy shower 108
exhorter 105
teacher 90
shepherd 89
evangelist 86
helper 80
prophet 78
giver 76
administrator 50


Your two highest gifts (gift mix)
MERCY_SHOWER: That special ability to empathize with those in distress to give spiritual comfort and support. The mercy shower ministers by identifying with those in distress and comes alongside to lead them to wholeness (Rom. 12:8; Matt. 9:36).
EXHORTER: That special ability to find and communicate to others practical ways of serving God. The exhorter is a positive motivator, knowing practical Christianity will change the lives of others (Rom. 12:8; I Timothy. 4:13; Heb. 10:25).

What does your profile mean?
1. The higher your score in an area (i.e., score 75 to 100), the more gifted you are in that gift.
2. Remember that lay people tend to have lower scores than full-time workers.
3. Don't be discouraged by a low score and don't give up your attempt to use that gift. You can grow in any ability or spiritual gift.
4. Watch for two or three highest gifts. Compare these strengths (called your "gift mix") to see how they work together. As an illustration, strength as a shepherd (group leader) and strength as a teacher, means you will lead a group by teaching.
5. Concentrate on our strengths in serving Christ, not your weaknesses. Total Christian service will strengthen weak gifts, but don't focus all your energies on them.

Real Quick

Real quick praise, just wanted to say today was the first day I haven't had the aftermath of cramps since the IUI's last week. Billy and I have lots going on between now and when we would possibly know anything. We will focus on the now and what we have. I am so blessed to have a husband who loves me through all of this, prays for me and has such a servant heart.

God's in Control

It's after 3 doctor's appointments this week (Tuesday- IUI & sono, Wednesday- IUI and sono, Thursday, sono and bloodwork) that we can't pinpoint when I ovulated. For some unknown reason, what the doctor's thought were the potential eggs laying by Thursday became sacks full of fluid. The home ovulation kits were positive on Monday, which is supposed to indicate it will happen in the next 24-36 hours. When I showed up to do the second IUI on Wednesday she said the follicles were still there and to come back Thursday. When they were still there Thursday they took blood to decide since the sacs were still there . To answer the question, had I or hadn't I ovulated? Due to the numbers of my LH and progesterone she could definitely tell that I had. We don't know exactly when that happened. It's clouded in some mystery. Only with God working on my heart all this week through the wonderful prayer warriors in our lives can I say I'm all right with that. We've done everything we were told to do and its fitting that it's in God's hands. We don't know if the second IUI was necessary of beneficial since they can't pinpoint when everything occured. It's right that God's mysterious work should not be clear on this. We wouldn't have to trust God if we could wave a dr's wand and control it all ourselves.

My prayer for today was to feel, to hope and to honor God.

IUI Days

I've really been focusing on spiritual warfare more recently. It's definitely something as far as descernment that I've been lacking in. So wonderful that all we have to do is ask for wisdom and God gives it. We are emotionally sensitive and remembering hourly, God is bigger than our emotions. Praying without ceasing is alive in our home.

Here's the technical side of what's been going on the last few days as I've said before I hope this helps someone else who God places on the path to navigate through. I've been taking the LH tests and it came back positive Monday evening, which means my hormone levels are up and in the next 24-36 hours I should ovulate. So with that in mind, the dr did the procedure yesterday. I have continued testing and the hormone is still high. So based on the sonogram and the dr saying that since no eggs have actually collapsed, we have the opportunity to have another one today. I will go back in tomorrow and have a sonogram to ensure egg(s) have collapsed. There is cramping involved in the procedure as well as several hours afterwards. There's also the usual discomfort of the sonogram. I took a very big nap, got dinner on the table and went back to sleep. Thank you for your continued prayers, we feel them.

Praise

I feel very strengthened after this weekend. Incredible that God knew two months ago when I registered for this retreat that I would need that extended time to spend with Him. Today was a big doctor's appt. Everything is in God's hands. I know many of you are praying so I ask specifically that we face this part of the journey in a way that honors God. Scripture we read and prayed over last night (thank you Courtney) and this morning from 2 Chronicles 20:

LORD, the God of our ancestors, are you not the God who is in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. Power and might are in your hand, and no one can withstand you. If calamity comes upon us, whether the sword of judgment, or plague or famine, we will stand in your presence before this temple that bears your Name and will cry out to you in our distress, and you will hear us and save us. For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you. This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. Tomorrow march down against them. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you. Listen to me, Judah and people of Jerusalem! Have faith in the LORD your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful. And the kingdom of Jehoshaphat was at peace, for his God had given him rest on every side. "

However this turns out, we do praise God. We praise God for the support, prayers, and Godly friends He has blessed us with at all times and how much closer you all have drawn around us and taken us to God in prayer for the journey we are on. We are blessed by the grace, forgiveness and intimate friendship God offers us daily.

Glorious

I went with three sweet sisters out to Brookhaven Camp in Hawkins for a women's retreat entitled Glorious based on the book Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge.. It's the female companion book to Wild at Heart. The entire weekend was centered on the heart of a woman. As women we reflect a very specific side of God. Femininity is about our tenderness, our ability to offer from our hearts what ever talent the Lord has given us. Our beauty isn't in how we dress or do our make up, our weight or our physical body parts. It's taping in the courage God supplies when we truly are aware of our worth and who we are and can then offer our beauty to a hurting world. We are cautioned to give incrementally and to have discernment with how much and to whom we give. In order to access that beauty and to be able to give, we have to deal with our wounds and to be healed. The entire weekend was indeed a glorious experience. Here are the three precious souls I was able to drive there and room with for the weekend. I appreciate so much them sharing their hearts with me as well as allowing and respecting me to share with them and treating that with such care:



The experience spoke to me personally with my heart and how I'm dealing with my dreams not being able to come true as I have envisioned since I was a little girl about motherhood. I have increasingly over the last year and a half started closing off my heart. So the disappointment isn't as overwhelming, but God gets smaller too as I have shut him out of my dreams. I've stopped looking forward and in ways that can be good to be in the present, but I've taken power and control over my heart from God. I took in several wonderful pearls of wisdom, one of them being that God may say no to my plans of wanting to carry a child, but He never says no to my heart. I must trust him with my dreams, desires and future. He is in control of all of them. He does have a plan and a future,there is always hope.

The weekend was an excellent time of reflection and quiet time with God. It got me to realizing some old wounds I hadn't dealt with. Lies that the enemy has tricked me in to believing about myself, what I have to offer and my worth. Also, able to renounce promises I'd made to myself in the midst of both of these. Through my own interpretation of events as a child I convinced myself at an early age that no one liked the real me. So I remember telling myself that I had to keep hidden. The older I got, the less attention I was comfortable with. It's another reason why this venue is so important. I have something to offer, people do care, want to see my happy and not everyone wants to hurt me (another lie I believed). It's incredible the magnitude the lie becomes. Only when the lie becomes so ridiculous, outrageous and paralyzing do I realize what I've bought in to. It was a very powerful reminder to take all of my fundamental questions/ doubts/ fears about myself to God. Only my maker can truly and accurately answer why I'm here. The world doesn't get the power to tell me who I am.

East Texas by the way is absolutely stunning in the fall:

Dr Update

Just have a brief minute to share this morning was appointment #2 for the month. I went in so they could see how many follicles had appeared from the clomid. There were 6 of these follicles, she said maybe two looked big enough to develop in to an egg. I start ovulation testing on Sunday.

That's it, my emotions are still very sensitive. I feel defensive in general, probably coming off all those hormones from the fertility drug. Hearing her talk I wanted to get my hopes up, but that's been so hard on us the last year and a half to be on the rollercoaster of hope and disappointment. Part of me wants to hide under a rock until all of this is over with. We'll just do the process and God will do what He wants to do anyway. It's best in my mind right now (safer and less hurtful) for me not to get too attached to any one particular outcome. Accept what ever comes and don't speculate. Only God has all the answers of why and how comes. He knows best.

Buzz, two Lady Bugs & a Giraffe

A.K.A: Isaac, Rachel, Ava & Brooke. What a great way to celebrate NOT working a 14 hour day :-) We had so much fun at the Johnston's and all the sweet crawly creatures running around!

Turnbow Disco

Fall Fun

Saturday Billy and I went to a costume party. It was my first opportunity to use my sewing machine trying to transform an every day dress in to Sally from the Peanuts. Here we are:














One more side effect added to the clomid is a very sensitive heart. If you see me in the next few days and I tear up, it's really not you, it's me.

Life at Home

Today was my first full day at home during the week. I was able to make beef stew in the crock pot for dinner this evening, got the laundry done, the bathrooms and the kitchen cleaned, and decluttered my desk here at home. I'll finish up vacuum and dusting Monday. I'm glad to break up the cleaning. I ran more of the errands for our household this last week (bank, grocery store, pharmacy). My sphere of people I relate to in a given day has definitely shrunk. There is definitely a slower pace and I feel less stress.

Today I also went to the clinic to get a baseline sonogram and to start the clomid. One dose starting this evening through Tuesday since a new cycle started Wednesday. Then I go back to the clinic next Friday morning to follow up. Then the ovulation tests and the IUI if all goes well. It's still so surreal that we are doing this. One of the deterrents I remember my parents telling us to wait for marriage as kids, is that it only takes once. I always believed that... Only side effect I feel right now is bloated.

Adventures with Rachel

Rachel Claire is officially one of the sweetest, most charming little girls. Amy and Wes really do a wonderful job with her and it's a blessing to support how they parent. I continue to try and pick up on how they are training and disciplining so I am consistent with they are do with her the rest of the week. She really likes going outside so we have been going for daily walks. She's quiet most of the time, so I babble on quite a bit. When I can get the pacifier out of her mouth, she does make the sweetest sounds. She squeals when Barney comes on the tv. She enjoys coloring, "reading" books, puzzles, playing on the piano,loving on her baby doll, pushing cars and toys she can walk behind. I have to say what's funny as well is what she doesn't like. She doesn't like her hair done, changing shirts, having her diaper changed and generally being told no. Typical toddler stuff, she'll turn 19 months on the 28th. It makes me giggle inside as she screams as though I have killed her. I should have more sympathy but I know she's not hurt, she's just getting closer to two and needs those boundaries. She calms herself down in her room and comes out within minutes laughing and ready to play. Here are some sweet pictures of my friend :-)























Thank you Amy for letting me blog about your little one :-))

Portales

Billy and I just got back in town this evening from a great long weekend with his parents. We ate like royalty, seriously my mother-in-law even made her famous apple pies so I could eat them gluten free!! This was no small feat as the Pamela's baking mix texture and consistancy is completely different from wheat flour and she made gluten free gravy!! Yuuummmm :-) The more time I spend around them the more comfortable I am with the title mom and dad. They make it incredibly easy with their kindess and servant hearts. We have been blessed this fall with all kinds of great "excuses" to see them. Already looking forward to the November to celebrate the Holidays. We gave them the link while we were there, so hi mom and dad :-)



Billy drove the 8 hour trip through flat west Texas and got in late Thursday night. I was glad we got our appointment with the caseworker from the children's home out of the way Friday afternoon as I was a bit nervous about this part. Heidi was made to do this job. She was so comfortable, she set me at ease. Next thing I know I'm asking about anything I'd heard, read or seen or TV about adoption to see what was fact or myth. Billy and I agree we both feel much more comfortable about the whole process after speaking with her. We also talked to one of the house mother's at the children's home after Sunday evening service since she has two adopted children as well. This phenomenal woman in an effort to connect to her children's heritage made an underground railroad quilt she proudly showed me. The quilt, the family and the story are just amazing.

After our lunch meeting, off to the quilt festival. I took pictures of all 170+ quilts ( don't worry won't post them all here). I will post our aunt's on Billy's side which won an award at the show. Aunt Kathy also gave me some great tips as she's been quilting for over 50 years


Saturday morning, I went back to the quilt festival and took a couple of mini classes. Then we all headed over to ENMU, Billy's alma mater to enjoy the Peanut Festival. I soon learned Portales is the peanut capital of the US. Dad had something called a Navajo taco, huge! Mom & dad know just about everyone there. I think it's so sweet to come from a small town. A sense of belonging, history and community. Maybe I'm just romanticizing it because I'm from the DFW area, which is by no means small. There was lots of fun carnival food, exhibits, songs and my sweet mom bought me this bouquet of roses made out of wood:


I was freezing out there and the cold seemed to follow us all the way home. Burrr, wasn't it in the 90's Wednesday?? Billy and I spent a bit of time enjoying the crisp fall air.. (The pose was cute until I asked Billy to hold it too long to get the pic, still worth it ,hehe)




By the way, have thoroughly enjoyed my first week helping look after Rachel, she is such a joy, the days fly by :-) I'll post pics later.

Last Day

Today was my last day with a full time job. It does feel a bit surreal and as excited about the next stage of what God is preparing us for a bit apprehensive. As with all change, there is a period of adjustment. Yesterday was a well timed sermon on our identity in Christ. A reminder when our church family and my work environment are both different to not find my identity in achievement, possessions, performance, appearance, position, power, popularity, or piety. I know these are all traps of the world. They are common as it's so easy to find purpose and fulfillment in the present.

Tears welled up more than once today. I noticed I've been more needy towards Billy. I've been in prayer and laying those before Jesus. To not get insecure and/ or controlling of my environment in order to feel some sense of power in all of this. I made up spreadhseets of what all of my time will look like trying to feel that the next step is somehow less unknown. It's the right thing to do. All sorts of "routines" that have just fit no longer will. Having a set snack time will be harder, set phone calls I've made daily on my way home.

I find myself more than at any time in my life sharing more of the personal spots in my heart,this blog being one of them. My nature since childhood is to withdrawal, fade in to the wallpaper, to stay busy and just not be a burden. I'm an introvert wishing they weren't. I shared in study tonight with four precious women as we talked about spiritual battles in our lives. There are so many more questions than answers right now. It's so much more about leaning on God's understanding rather than my own. Not having the "why's" or having it all figured out. Being in the middle of a struggle for as long as we have, it becomes a companion, if that makes any sense. God continues to show us what our goals should be, holiness, glorifying God and sharing that love and forgiveness with everyone. God gives us wisdom (James) if we just ask for it. I am called to pray with out ceasing (1 Thes)to put on the full armor of God and to stand up against satan's lies (Ephesians). I don't know what God is trying to teach us or show us. I sure wish I would be a faster learner.

There are cycles to this. Just like with grief. When we lost Lisa, they talk about the "steps" of grief, but it's not a linear path. You can go back and forth through steps. Satan definitely gets in there, whispering I'm a failure, this is a punishment for past sins in my life, making me believe God doesn't want us to have children, that I would be a bad mother. So, we pray. Billy and I pray to have God's will, whatever that is. We don't know what to pray for at times. I see the many different ways God has brought many people who have struggled through to the ending to be parents. It's all God's will, adopting, fostering, medical help, multiples. I feel that we are taking risks, steps in faith that simplifying our lives is the right thing to do. We don't have any concrete answers, maybe we never will know why we are on this journey, just that it is and it's enough that God will NEVER leave us, no matter how much it might hurt on some level more than not. I've known since I really got to know God that I was blessed to FINALLY get it. To open the door from Him knocking on my door all those years. He fought for my heart and as we ladies talked about being strong women of the Lord and my natural tendency to draw in kicks in, I know I have to keep fighting and pushing towards a family. Nothing about this journey has said to give up. I fight my fears, my doubts, my hurt and hope and pray it's not in vain.

Is it hard to talk about baby's and showers? Sure, sometimes... I pray when the urge to leave a room comes over me because of the ache rising in my chest. I remember God tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice. I never want to be so consumed by selfishness that I can't give encouragement and support to someone else. So when I tell someone my struggle, at that moment they will mourn with me as many sweet sisters have. When it's their time to greet motherhood in to their lives, I want to be be able to reach out to them as kindly as they have done for me and truly rejoice for them.

What causes me to go there in my head? Emotions on the surface because of the end of this working chapter in my life. Today it's thinking about me starting this coming week. Sometimes I honestly don't need a reason. The anxiousness does rise as that day draws nearer. It's the elephant in the room, don't talk about it, don't concentrate, don't "stress" over it. So instead of trying to program negative, " don't think about it messages" I will focus on God, and what I can do for others. I'm in the design and planning stage of a new quilt for a family member. So many prayer needs out there within our family and friends to be there for them with some more time on my hands. Time for me to give while I can... when it's an overwhelming day, I might be the one in need of that hand from another.

Admin World

Monday is my last day. Here are my fellow admins who have made my job sooo much easier. Thank you ladies :-) Looking forward to seeing you all at Tanya's baby shower!


Paula- fellow scrapbooker, always willing to answer any question. She has the two sweetest red headed boys.


Griselda- BUSY mother of four. Taking my place in REO :-) Well technically she's just coming back, she had this job 2 years ago. We just added a bunch to it.


Debbie- take charge christian lady with a heart of gold


Regina- Very patient and sweet, fellow RHS grad and now Greg's admin.


Crystal- gorgeous triplet and funny!!