A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place

I try to pepper in a couple of casual, funny or other blog entries not only for y'alls sanity but my own, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about our family state. Some days like today it hurts so much I can't breathe. Our Friday morning ladies bible study is on Beth Moore's " A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place". Today's main scripture time was spent on Luke 1:5-25. It's the story of Zechariah and Elizabeth. If you've been reading for more than a month, yes it's the same sermon shortly preached on before Christmas that had me leaving the auditorium sobbing. Was today's reaction any different? I would rejoice in saying absolutely that I have such a great grip on this whole issue (goodness knows I've had long enough to adjust) that I could separate emotion from facts but that would not be true. Exact same reaction.

I try to see the logic, know God hasn't forgotten me and loves me, to have faith, patience. I know my value is in Him alone and not becoming a mother. Should anyone think (including myself) this should somehow get easier instead of harder, they would be sadly let down by me and any other woman I've had the honor and blessing to hear share their experience in this area. I ask myself quite a bit, shouldn't I have this down? I'm sick and tired of thinking about it, of having this source of hurt. By this time, I don't even think I have anything new to say or think. God did not promise no pain because we have faith. Yes, God does make a difference in my outlook and the choices we make in this area. He's also not a magic wand that will separate me from having to experience strong emotions and feelings. Emotions themselves are neutral. The thoughts, decisions and behaviors I make out of those emotions can be positive or negative. We all make that choice, what ever the struggle may be. As inconspicuous as I thought I was leaving the room while the video was playing, God sent a caring soul after me to just support, encourage and minister. Another caring soul emailed me this evening (I changed some details to keep her privacy) she explains well the heart of this issue. So, if you know someone else who is going through this, any of this is reassuring to hear:

Hi Lori! I just wanted to check and see how you were doing after ladies bible study this morning. I just want you to know that I really believe that you were there this morning for a reason. I’m not sure what God was trying to tell you, but I pray that you heard what He said through Beth’s words. Maybe He was trying to tell you to not lose hope or to keep trusting Him or something. I don’t know, but I hope you will have understanding.

I believe I was there this morning to hear something as well. I was really touched when Beth said that maybe things didn’t happen easily so that God could bless you. I can’t believe I’m saying this because it was really hard when we had to wait, and wait, and wait, and watch everyone else get pregnant, and hear all of the rude comments, and have to see all of the commercials, etc., etc. BUT, now that I’m on the other side, I can truly say that I feel God’s blessing through all of that. And, I can praise God because there is no other explanation but a miracle from Him that we have our son.

I know that you can’t see that right now and, truthfully, I don’t know if that will happen for you. One hope that I held on to when it was going on for me was the fact that my husband and I (especially him) were really good with children. I believed that God wouldn't have given us the gifts we had with children if He wasn't going to let us use them on our own child. I didn't know how that child would come about (biologically, adoption, etc.), but I really believed that He would make it happen.

I hope that helps you a little. It may not, but that’s OK. Remember that it’s also OK to cry, to be mad about the situation, to NOT go to baby showers, and to walk all the way around the store to get to the exit because you have had a bad day and don’t want to see all of the baby stuff!! Just know that God is still there and He DOES hear you – as Beth said this morning, there’s just a thin piece of cloth separating you from Him. He hears you, Lori!!! And, His heart is broken when yours is too.
Hang in there. I’m here if you need me.

How wonderful, reassuring and powerful to hear from someone else who understands give permission to just feel! How guilty I have felt for not always doing or saying or responding the way I thought I should be. It took this couple 6-7 years to have their son. The credibility she get from me as she has been there is enormous. It's entirely from God's word to give comfort you yourself have been given. No, she's not giving me license for selfishness or spiritual laziness. She gets that this is HARD. Nine out of ten people will understand. The one that doesn't.... those are the words that I hear over and over in my head judging, criticizing and condemning. I have to give those people the benefit of the doubt that they don't realize the harm and power their words can impart. Satan uses sometimes well meaning words, or other people's expectations of how long something should last/ how intense it should be/ how much it should effect me/ or what they believe our answer or outcome will be to worsen an already painful situation. Only God knows my heart, the pain, the faith and everything else that makes up my character and soul. I never understood how much something could hurt until this happened to us. Just like I never understood how much I could miss a loved one and what that grieving looks and feels like until my sister passed away 3 1/2 years ago. Somethings seems so easy to get through from the outside. But only when it's my valley and I'm the one clinging to God, laying on my face praying through tears do I know what this feels like.

Before any of this occurred this morning, Billy and I talked and prayed last night. We are in serious prayer for adoption. There are many reasons why we think this is an answer for us, but only God knows. We are looking to go forward next month after our anniversary. Please pray God will reveal His will to us. That's what I want even more than a child or to know why. If God wants us to wait as He's asked so many people to do for years, we'll do it. If there's a child already out there, He wants us to raise, we'll do it. Not that it won't be scary and unknown or painful at times, but with Him we'll do it.