First Mother's Day

I looked back at my entry for this time last year and see differences and similarities with yesterday. In some ways the feelings were still there about our wait. I still honored the precious women in my life whom I love very much and are responsible for who I am. In other ways, this year was surreal. I was so glad to make church on this day for the first time in 3 years. I was so very thankful to be able to stand up when our preacher blessed the mothers. To receive prayer and acknowledgment for the heart I've had for so long is everything I thought it would be.

I was very touched and cried through most of the sermon on Hannah, twice. We went to both services after being asked to update this from a year and a half ago. They replayed just a minute or two of the video. In person we revealed then that the struggle we mentioned was infertility. Of course 90+ women from the church found that out at the retreat a few weeks ago. I'm so very incredibly grateful for the ending to our story. I cried both times listening to the sermon. Billy and our friend "R" did most of the speaking this time. "R" was the friend who came up to him two weeks before we found out we were pregnant to tell us God put it on his heart that we'd be having a child soon. The sermon was done so respectfully and beautifully. The major point was that when women of faith encounter trouble, these women pray and that God blesses these women. I know not every woman receives the same blessing or the desired one. God does bless though. It's really the best sermon I've heard on infertility. A sweet woman from church pulled me aside during greeting time because she had felt the desire to pray over our pregnancy for the last few weeks. I cried again. They passed out a very sweet book at church to the mom's. I felt overwhelmed standing up with all my different other emotions present :

My mom, me, bonus dad, sister and brother. They were teasing me about something so we are all mid laugh.


My bonus mom and all the current grand children.

I just love my sister's kids, so here's a shameless other shot of them:
(Ashley, Kyle, Joan & Mark)

Cards from loved ones.... This first card so perfectly said how I felt. I cried again.

Yeah, cried.....


Thoughtful beautiful gifts, i.e more tears:

Half of a heart that says lil sis. Leah has the big sis half.

Sweet summer maternity blouse:
These willow tree figures are so beautiful.

Thank you Dawn for taking this sweet picture of the givers :-) It was sweet explaining the gift to Rachel.
My most recent food find at the Super W. I didn't even know they made honey nut and definitely not Gluten free! I usually skip the cookie/ cracker/ cereal/ bread aisles unless Billy wants something from there on occasion.


I have been taking tummy pics, I'll post them soon!

Fun weekend

Finally, after a month of dragging my sad self around, a fun weekend :-) Praise God for good health!! Fun including even going to the grocery store and doing laundry as that just feels like I'm normal again. Friday night I was tired from being out of the house so Billy and I had a quiet night in. Yesterday was the first day I felt completely myself. I thought I might have set myself back going out in the rain Saturday, but I think the additional coughing was due to talking so much as well.

Saturday our concerns regarding Hurricane Ike were for not, so we ran a couple of errands, came home and I made a cake for a prayer night we had with some good friends that I've known for 5 years, Billy has known most of these sweet friends for 10 years. Many of these friends were in the car accident 4 years ago that changed so many of our lives and also people Billy and I have spent time in the Ukraine with. We had a lovely meal provided by Amy and then spent some wonderful time sharing our hearts with each other. It's so great to have that comfort to be yourselves and know that these people know you love the Lord. That isn't questioned and they know you're just struggling with things and this is how satan is attacking me right now cause he knows how to hurt me. It was such a blessing and seemed so aptly timed for so many of us. And yes, I took pictures :-))

The girls chit chatting. Amy got a great group shot I'll have to get from her :-)
The guys were all outside grilling chicken for dinner.
Wendy, David and Emily (inside):

Jarrod & Dawn:
Lance & Debra:

Our wonderful hosts, Amy and Nathan, it was such a great idea guys!!!

Sunday evening our Sunday bible study class got together for a game night. It was soo much fun meeting some new people and playing together. It was bunko style, just trying to get 15 sixes so we could rotate through ten table of four people a piece. Great way to mix it up :-)

Group shot, Billy playing with Ashley, her co team mate and son Blake with two Sarah's


Love this sweet fun family:
They let me have baby loving anytime with sweet Kendall. That's Billy's arm thinking it would be a better shot with out her fist in her mouth, but I think it's great :

Ben and Sarah crack me up:
Brent and Mary being their sweet selves:

How did Katy and Michael escape my camera that much? Okay, I am on to them now......

August Weekend

It's different blogging now getting used to this job. I feel all talked out to an extent doing my part to help train up children during the day. When I get home, I have theorized, lectured, imparted advice and repeated myself more times than I want to. But also I haven't had much time to really think and when I get home I'm too tired and really just want to relax. For the first time in several years I don't have contact with the outside world during the day, so I feel less connected. I still have the rare phone calls with precious friends that are so meaningful I don't know I don't have them more often. Silly introvertedness that I will continue to battle. All that to say, I do have much to say I'm just so tired at the end of the day it's hard to get it out. All part of the transition that I willingly do for love of the kiddos. Funny I used to review entries with a fine tooth comb for grammar, punctuation, wording, and spelling. Now if you're still reading through my typos and my rush to say what I want to say and not neglect my husband or home I know you are letting your love cover a multitude of my errors. I can't even claim I'm getting over my perfectionism, I'm just tired and counting on your mercy. So, thank you!

Not really what I meant to start typing when I thought about doing a blog entry this evening. I do have updates pics of the house I wanted to make sure I put on here so I have copies ( you know in case there's ever a fire, I have the blog to preserve things) At some point I'll repost the ones that were lost when I revoked myself off the account about a month back.

Friday I had lunch with my sweet friend Katy, she's so kind to come close to my work to give me sweet encouragement to help me get through the end of my week :-)


Friday night, Billy and I went to see our niece Sydney in her church play. We are so proud of the talent she uses for the Lord:
We all 6 went out to dinner afterwards then drove by the new house to see the brick work done. Syndey very sweetly gave me a hug goodbye and while still hugging my waist said she didn't want to move. I just love her sweet heart.

Saturday we took it easy sleeping in. Billy made me breakfast in bed and we had a date night. I was battling a headache most of the day and evening, but it was so nice to get out just the two of us at a place that has a gluten free menu and enjoy each other's company.

Sunday we went to first service which was out of our normal routine. We worked on a project with our sweet friend Teresa during second service:

Ladies Retreat 2008 Part II

Session 3
Isaiah 43:10, Romans 12:2, John 16:13-14, 2 Timothy 1:14, Jeremiah 33:3, 2 Timothy 1:6Deuteronomy 34, Joshua 2 & 6, John 4 What keeps us from experiencing the full power of the Holy Spirit? Tradition, trust, lack of obedience, fear of the unknown, giving up control, pride, family, rejection. So we were challenged to ask ourselves some questions:
What's holding me back?
What am I going to do about it?

Galations 5:16-26 Be willing to follow through and be consistent, trusting, courageous, time in the Word.

6 women then volunteered from our church at that point to get up in front of the rest of us to share specific incidences in the way the Holy Spirit had spoken to their hearts. Had I been more courageous, I would have shared when Billy and I in our small faith asked God to let us knew He heard us. The next morning in service during prayer time, Teresa Shaw approached us and said God told me to come tell you he hears you. We don't believe in coincidences. We believe in the Holy Spirit. We asked and God answered. We were very humbled by the experience.

Saturday afternoon during our free time, I had an unexpected talk with a cherished friend who I've known for 5 years and I'm so blessed that God has drawn us to the same church. I treasure her friendship and know that God is in that relationship. She really helped me get my head and heart around the image and authenticity that's been on my heart. Saturday evening, I had the opportunity to share with some other girls about what we have been going through. The conversation went in that direction as they began to share what year plan they were on. 2, 5 or 10 years until they planned to have children. I paused when asked what our plan was and spoke slowly praying that God had placed this conversation at this time and place for me to say that it's God's plans. We can lay out the most well meaning intentions, but the control and trust is with God.

Sunday morning:

Shirley Marble spoke and talked about bowing to an untamed God.

Galations 1:13-17, Jonah: all, Isaiah 63:11, Exodus 13:21-22
Jonah was by far the most convicting scripture reading for me to hear. He believed that Nineveh was not good enough for God to save. God replied as he does with authority just like with Job when all was taken away, also to the Pharisees and Sadducee's. Who am I to judge or question? Did I create them? Are they my children? Have I known them before they were in their mother's wombs? I think it's infinitely interesting that He was much more harsh with those who knew His word and yet had a hard heart then with those who just stumbled searching for Him. I hate thinking I only knows the words and not His heart. Hosea 6:6
She challenged us if something was laid on our hearts to act on it, reach out to who ever the Holy Spirit is drawing you towards. The more you say no, the quieter the voice gets and the easier it gets to tune His voice out.
Luke 13:23-24, John 14:25-27, Mark 6
She left us with the challenge to leave in joyful urgency.

I know I'm missing something, but I'm pretty tired and need to rest so I can get things done tomorrow. I need to get the portfolio finished for the adoption agency so that birth mothers can look through for potential matches. The sheer weight of this project has my procrastinating perfectionism stepping up at a time it needs to shush.

Ladies Retreat 2008

I got home this afternoon our Ladies Retreat. I personally really enjoy times of pulling back, relaxing and rejuvenating. I know after those times my heart is more open, more full of God's grace and peace and my love for others looks more like God's for a time. Our theme was "Bloom with Abandon" a discussion of our walk with the Holy Spirit. Vivian Vance walked us through both the Old and New Testament in regard to the Holy Spirit and how He works in our lives. She took all the mystical wierd assumptions we might have had and answered with God's word and heart. Some of this I'll try to tie in later. Nuggets (or in this case whole chickens full) of truth I walked away with are:

Session 1
The Holy Spirit is about living with the most powerful life source in every cell of my body. Whether or not I look you in the eye, I have a relationship with people. First of all How do I know for sure it's God's voice? The kindergarten answer? It's biblical truth and it's positive. How do I know it's NOT the Holy Spirit's leadings? It's negative, angry or has hatred in the message.
The scripture references are:
Genesis 1:1-2, Exodus 31:3, Numbers 11:17, Deuteronomy 34:9, Judges 16:13, Ezekial 36:24-27, Isaiah 59:20-21
In these Old Testament verses God spoke first through the Spirit then when Christ came through Him who had the Holy Spirit.

Session 2
At this point she asked us to have our own quiet time and reflect on how the Holy Spirit was involved in our:
birth
baptism
temptation
ministry.

Matthew 1:18, Luke 4:1, Isaiah 61:1, Luke 4:14

We then went in to small groups to discuss these themes. My group consisted of me and one other woman (couple of other women hadn't made it). I admit I glazed over my answers at first, not knowing this woman. I was not sure how to broach this topic that for the majority of my life hasn't been clearly understood. I had no logical reason to trust her with my life, my flaws, my mistakes, or my struggles. There is no past history, no building of trust. I was justified right?? (tongue placed firmly in cheek) I start talking out of nervousness. I shared some very general stories, you know the safe church stories that show I have faith and make me look good. When I ask how this dear woman answered, tears came to her eyes and in that instant I felt like a fraud. I knew I had shrunk God to a safe answer and was so worried about my image that I forgot I'm in a safe place. If I can't be real with my church family, where? (it's a theme that's been on my heart for some time now, true authenticity) I felt tears sting my eyes and I was convicted to listen as I was captivated by her heart before she opened her mouth. She spoke from her soul and I was encouraged to do the same. Neither of us was embarrassed by our hearts, by the pains we shared or the mistakes we admitted. I felt safe, loved and encouraged by a woman I had never met before who showed her vulnerability by the tears shining in her eyes and I wished I had been the courageous one first. This was church, this was Jesus with skin on.

This is my own journal from the weekend... read at your own risk. You can end here or just skip down to the song lyrics but I'm feeling empowered:
Image cracks me up. I spend all this time sizing up other people to determine how much "me" they can really handle. I try to imagine a church full of me's. Cautious, logical, safe. No one saying anything out of place, making the right answers, with the correct general statements. Where does that go? If my life hadn't hit any major road blocks I could have probably existed in my pseudo safe place for who knows how long. Slowly dwindling, growing less dynamic, challenging, or alive. Wear the right clothes, have the right hobby's, go to the right restaurants...doing the drill. Then BAM! MY plan isn't working? What? I did it right, I met and married a wonderful Christian man. We had a plan, didn't God hear our plan? It was well thought out, logical, safe and moral. Okay, don't freak out, no cracks remember, don't let them see you sweat? That doesn't show faith. You'd hate to be called insecure or anxious, that means something about your faith too doesn't it? *Breathe* Okay, no big deal, just suck it up and tough it, God will come round right? Because I'm obedient and I'm a good christian. For how long, do I just grit my teeth? This isn't a superficial wound that will pass in a week, not to minimize other hurts. The worst thing that happened to you is still the worst thing that ever happened to you. It's not a contest of who has been through the worst or most. My flesh is week, my heart is hurting, crying and two years is a long time living in pain. So, then the mask and the image and plans all shift. The questions raise up... No, don't ask those, God will just take care of you.. (pat on the hand, now cross your hands, smile and don't be too noisy). Where's my church? Where's my help? What will they think? Where is just a hug? When God is prying my fingers open slowly from my clenched hand holding my dream one finger at a time. I don't need someone else adding to the list of do's and don'ts added already to the voice of doubt inside of my own head. I need comfort, I need prayers. I'd never make it as a Jew or a gentile. I'm not going to pretend that I can live up to the hundreds of laws they are required and have no grace. Sheer will power and self control are going to earn me my way to heaven? Who am I kidding? Fear and threat of condemnation will never motivate me to raise to a higher standard of dying to myself and living from someone else. I can't answer the call of the Holy Spirit in my life as the voice of condemnation is drowning Him out. If I'm going to err on one side, either too many laws or wild grace then grace wins, God says so. Or there's the gentile path. No thank you, tried that. I'm too aware of my flaws to pretend I'm not in desperate need of a way to heaven outside of myself through Jesus. If I'm wrong about everything else, I've got my salvation and nothing takes that away (cringe away satan, that's right) I'm done allowing satan to keep me boxed in scared, safe, logical, smart, worldly. All this wild God talk, someone is going to think I'm one of those bible thumping holy rollers.:-O Good.

I'll blog later about Saturday nights session, lights out after dark discussion and as well as Sunday morning's lesson. Also, note to self, never really did justice to the Retreat I went to in February because of the death in our family. So I need to give that equal time. For now, this song playing in my mind all afternoon:

Holy Spirit, Dwell In Me

Holy Spirit dwell in me
Touch my eyes that I might see
All your goodness grace and pow'r
Stay beside me ev'ry hour
Be my drink, be my living bread
Keep me sheltered, keep me fed
Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit dwell in me

Holy Spirit comfort me
Let my heart be one with Thee
When I'm worried soothe my mind
Let me sweet contentment find
May I run this wicked race
Filled by your amazing grace
Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit comfort me

Holy Spirit rescue me
Set my soul completely free
Beside Jordan make my bed
In God's bosom lay my head
Let me live in a brand new place
See my blessed Savior's face
Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit rescue me

The new Lot

This week has been ...... interesting. I was in a funk for the first half of it to the point of tears. I couldn't quite put my thumb on what exactly was bothering me so much. There were a few things I was frustrated, disappointed with what was developing but in the end everything turned out well. I feel as though I've taken a turn around that bend what ever it was. It was one of those times that if the exact same scenarios had happened at any other time I wouldn't have been fazed. Sunday I felt awful and missed church, but was okay enough by 6 that evening to have small group at our house. Sometimes I just need to veg, usually once every couple weeks or Billy gets teary overwhelmed wife (doesn't that sound like fun for him?). It will probably bother me until I know exactly why I was in that frame of mind. In the mean time I shall let it go and enjoy the fact that I'm not feeling rejected by everything and that my heart is not so fragile.

Thursday and yesterday were the highlights of the week. Thursday I was able to see some old Prestoncrest friend and made a couple new ones. If you ever have the opportunity to do Apples of Gold, ladies, run, don't walk. Yesterday, while I was attending a planning meeting for the ladies retreat (Greenville Oaks ladies, sign up :-)!), Billy played paint ball with some guys from our church. I am really enjoying the sense of belonging. I hesitate to brag on our church, for fear someone else will think I'm comparing, but I'm really bragging on God. He does wonderful things through many churches and I'm just blessed to be able to view some of His work. I'll just say we always have room for more friends and I believe it's a God thing that God has brought us to where we are. I wouldn't be where and who I am without God working through the many wonderful Christian people I still continue to draw inspiration, encouragement and love from daily. I digressed,where was I? So, after the planning meeting, we met the realtor and signed on our lot :-)

A double bonus found out it was five houses down from some friends. Hi Jill & Tim! (Or as I say often since my mouth moves faster than my mind, Till & Jim). We spent a couple of hours making all kinds of choices, that was fun I have to admit. When Billy and I got married, he already owned this house. This next one will be ours :-))

Then we had sweet Rachel for the night so her parents could celebrate reaching four years of marriage. Congrats Amy & Wes! I am not just being kind in saying Rachel was an angel. She is so loving and joyful. We went over to some friends house with more than one misgiving, since she is 2. It was really best case scenario, she charmed everyone and once we got home, laid down and went to sleep. We actually managed to show up to church early, don't ask me how that happened. My camera battery was low and I was in a hurry, but this is the pic that I got of her this morning before we left for church. She wanted to play with the camera:


Oh my gift to Amy.... Recycling. It's the one thing she asked me to make a plug for on my blog and since she graciously allows me to hog her child, I will happily comply. I didn't even know Billy does separate our trash until I brought home a brochure Amy had. Also watching John and Kate plus 8 was convicting, if that woman has the time with 6 year old twins and 3 year old sextuplets, I really should get my show on the road. Amy and Kate also both eat organic foods when ever possible, something worth looking into. Preserving the best for future generations and refraining from putting pesticides and growth hormones in our bodies, sounds like a win-win to me!

You have reached the end of your medication :-)

Yeaaaaa, took the last one tonight. The bad one was done yesterday, still had a bit of residual left over today from that one. But...I got through church, which I haven't done in weeks. I REALLY miss the encouragement and support of praising God with fellow believers. I am like the children of Israel and my memory is very short. I need the weakly reminder of God's love, grace and wisdom. I also need to know I'm not the only one trying to live a life for Jesus.

Billy and I went to a different church this morning. It's been a decision we've been praying about for quite some time, even before we knew our pulpit minister was leaving. We went to Greeneville Oaks and saw an old friend and his beautiful wife and daughter. Saw some old Prestoncresters too. We enjoyed this morning so much and were so encouraged to only have to drive the 5 rather than the 30 minutes that we picked up the small group information. We also also praying with a smaller church that our offers of help will be accepted and we can feel a part of a class again. We've really struggled with that since being married. We LOVED the singles group and I really was filled being an active part and helping give to a ministry. While I'm dialing the contact information for the small group geared towards us at Greenville Oaks I told Billy it feels like we are cheating on Prestoncrest. The wonderful thing is this small group meets on Sunday night and our existing one meets on Wednesdays. It's at the pulpit ministers house this month 3 blocks from us. We are hoping our existing small group will be okay with the dual attendance and still allow us to meet with them. We really enjoy their friendship, prayers, and encouragement so much. The Johnston's, Bagley's and Tipton's have been there for us since the beginning of the infertility issue and we are really counting on their continued support as people who know and accept us on a deeper level.

After church I layed down for a while and then felt up to using a bit of grey matter, so Billy and I went through our checklist and 19 page introduction packet for the Infertility Specialists, feeling ready to send that off tomorrow. Very anxious nervous feeling taking these steps forward. Definitely leaning on God to guide us in the way that will glorify Him and continue to seek His will in this as well as the other changes going on in our lives.

Well, I just came online to look for a good gluten free cake recipe to make for Wednesday night... later :-)