I see the World as I am, Not as It Is

I find it incredibly ironic that as an adult, I am now the lone female in a house of males. My father left our house when I was 8 years old. My two older sisters and I along with my mother far outnumbered my younger brother of almost 6 years. "Anything boys could do...." was the motto around our place. My brothers storm troopers were frequently borrowed for Ken's friends with Barbie. His ewok never saw that dryer tumble coming and was never the same afterwards. We also did dress him up a a girl once. He survived us and is an amazing girl dad now, I have to say!

Men are stereotypically adverse to acknowledging or dealing with emotions. I can confidently say they have them, they just refuse or don't have the ability to work through them verbally. There were lots of emotions expressed in our household in my family of origin. We didn't really hold back. It was at times overwhelming and I was as much of a contributor as anyone else. Conversationally, I'm a relater and although an introvert and for the most part slow to get to know people, if I sense it will bring someone to ease or comfort others, I can be a fairly open book. I have had to learn to not take people's struggles as my own, to not feel the need to fix someone else. A spiritual gifts test I took 12 years ago resulted in mercy. I can be almost too empathetic and tear up, get choked up or out right cry very easily with those who are hurting in any form or fashion. In my weekly schedule, I have a mom to mom group that I find myself uncharacteristically sharing more at for the outlet and word count that I get to release alone. My love language is quality time and I love me a good play date.

The current phrase for the expression and maybe sometimes the lack of control in expressing emotions is drama. At times said with good humor and other times with a definite lack of patience, understanding or respect. Maybe I don't understand someone's strong emotions, maybe it seems out of proportion for the actions that have occurred. Maybe the intensity is overwhelming and the feelings directed and blamed outwardly rather than processed through personal accountability and healthy self expression. I truly believe everyone just wants to be heard, felt, supported, encouraged and understood. What ever is the worst thing that happened to you is still the worst thing that has happened to you. It's not about comparing, contrasting or having a pity party. While I understand those differences can be life impacting for whether you're in a first, second or third world country, minimizing the feelings behind what seems superficial and selfish helps no one.  A line of health is crossed from validation to manipulation when my happiness is dependent on other people's actions. Boundaries aren't about telling the other person what they can or can't do, but about what you will or will not due when your lines are crossed. I am responsible for me. If I'm hurt I can chose to share that information and it's a faith leap whether others will acknowledge and understand or lash out in defense and rejection.

I'm surrounded now by 4 incredibly handsome men, one husband and three sons. They are fun, funny, active and yes, emotional. It's just that they never want to talk about those emotions. We were made with emotions as part of God's perfect plan. They, like any other part of our bodies are be handled responsibly, be appreciated and used to connect with and help others. They may process internally or push them off in an attempt to not deal with them.

The intensity that hurt, fear, anger, panic, worry, doubt, grief and injustice can hit and wash over us can be overwhelming. In our journey to peace and acceptance, we hit they say at least 12 other emotions and not always in a linear or singular fashion. Our flight or fight mechanism kicks in. We may try to get to the root of the issue or in shock and denial, we retreat. We can refuse to look within ourselves try to manage our feelings, but look to blame outwardly for the circumstances and individuals.

I don't know anyone that has completely healthy coping skills and defense mechanisms. I think that's like saying there is a completely functional family out there with out their share of hurts, bad moments of history and pain. That one persons way of thinking, way of doing something, their friends, family, work is the best! We should all think that and yet if we go too far and only see other people's short comings and our own good, we will grow in ourselves pride, arrogance and a judgmental spirit. Conversely, we live in a fallen world with imperfect people and believing someone else has it all together is just a big fat ugly lie that hurts everyone.  Life requires grit, determination and strength  to maturely handle the myriad of life's disappointments. We are to step up and give others the best in us, our love, our compassion, our patience, our forgiveness, our benefit of the doubt.  As I read today, we should look for commonalities and ways to bridge the gaps with other people. We can always find a difference, a reason to be hurt, a reason to judge and distance ourselves. It's a self fulfilling prophesy, we will always find what we are looking for.

A recent conversation I observed online made some great points in regard to handling emotions. I do agree with the concept that each person is responsible for managing their own emotions. It's not my job to calm some one down, nor to feed their growing intensity. Being either cold or hot headed is of benefit to no one. I do strive to be a a source of comfort that God calls us to be for one another. (2 Corinthians 1:4)

I tend to live in the black and white/ right and wrong. There are many variations of grey in there that I haven't experienced, read about or observed or quite frankly can't find a balance. This idealistic what people 'should' do gets me. There is no one right way to do something, no matter what I want to believe. The Gary Chapman book, "The Five Love Languages" comes to mind talking about each person's different ways to fill our love tanks. When it's empty, the search for good is sent out the door. It's not saying I'm right what my version of a utopian emotional climate would be like, but we all have one. We share, encourage and expect it from others, consciously and unconsciously. If everyone would just play by my rules, then we would all get along and be happy..... right?

So, whether distance, intense, cold, neutral, warm, excited, calm, fuzzy, laid back, driven, silent or expressive or another unnamed category, we all contribute to our own as well as the people we love's emotional climate. Are we giving and pouring in to others, while still maintaining our own equilibrium? How big is our fight or flight mechanism? In a couple's discussion, there was the situation where one partner wanted to hash out feelings and to other person that was just too overwhelming and they didn't feel equipped to handle high emotions and would emotionally and physically flee. So whether you embrace the feelings of emotions, run, avoid, deny, analyze, control or let them fly, they aren't going anywhere. Also, we wouldn't want them to. They aren't a mistake or an afterthought. It's part of the human experience.

What we do in the face of someone else's strong emotions says much about the relationship and ourselves. Are we comfortable allowing this person to see the worst most over wrought ugly part of ourselves? It's a risk no matter what, but some risks have more potentials for downfall than others.  Do we want to fix them? Make them feel better? Lecture them not to make grave mistakes?

What seems excessive and out of proportion later was due to a trigger of past hurt and complexes. With my unique make-up, social change, 'friends for a season' and anything that hints at rejection, abandonment is incredibly hard for me. At the end of the day, if I don't chose grace, the benefit of the doubt and forgiveness, I'm only hurting myself. I may never get an apology or an explanation, there may never be words of reconciliation. Giving them power over me benefits no one. They have moved on. My harsh, cold, feeling of rigid justice will only hurt myself and every other relationship I have.

At times, I proactively apologize. As an introverted introspective sensitive person, large gatherings drain me and leave me replaying conversations again and again in an attempt to better the exchange.  I can see in hindsight after I've walked away from a social interaction, that someone would be bothered by how something I said came across. I have this innate desire to manage other people's feelings. (I'm working on it) I need to trust that if someone is bothered by something enough, they will say something to me. But, all too often, we triangulate as women and go and talk to others about our frustration or hurt or misunderstanding and don't talk to the person directly. That to say, I cringe at the thought that I may have hurt someone's feelings. The attitude of others that, if you don't give me the benefit of the doubt, then I can't help you conveys a direct lack of empathy and compassion. As if somehow giving the benefit of the doubt would remove any situation of being hurt. Also, if you accidentally break someone's arm, the bone is still broken, your intent is irrelevant. The consequences are the same, hurt has resulted.

The Dance

So, I talked last time about that emptiness that I feel from time to time. That emptiness has appeared cyclically at some points, specific to a phase or a single heartbreaking event in my life. Those feelings are pretty universal covering varying degrees of maturity, relationship or child status, growing in age or my philosophical belief at the time.  The other timeless reoccurring event involves come back to the foot of the cross. Again and again......

I believe what I chose to fill myself up with in the times of hurt and emptiness makes a huge difference in how long I stay that way. I've definitely chosen superficial, selfish and vain sources of coping in the past. Fishing for compliments, blaming others, judging, trying to manage other people's feelings, outguess their motives, people pleasing, shopping trips, gossiping, venting or creating distance in order to distract myself and preserve my overall unhappy state of feeling both hurt and right at the same time. Some changes are harder than others. With my personality; financial, event or accomplishment changes don't impact me very much. I'm not a driven accomplishment detailed oriented type A, I'm the type B. Generally, I'm more laid back.. well until I became a mother anyway ;-) . I'm not a doer although I am busy most of the day with 3 young sons. I'm more of an introverted thinker and researcher really with quality time love needs. I think only as late becoming the only female in a household of 4 males have female group settings really become an outlet for me. When faced with a life challenge, I'll find a book for tools to help first. Results from many settings of tests reflect that my spiritual gift  is mercy, my personality is an INFJ and I'm an academic in group settings. Social and family changes can send me in to a tail spin of anxiety, insecurity and doubt. Call it abandonment issues, a complex, narcissism, what ever floats your boat. I'm not afraid of the labels, because they don't define me nor give me my worth or value.  I can't give it to God and realize the root until I'm blatantly honest with myself about why I'm feeling a certain way. The process to dig that deep can be exhausting to delve through all the muck to find the core issue and sort through why I'm really feeling a certain way about someone or some action and manage my self and give that to God. The paralysis of analysis is a common event in my life as well as walking away from most social situations wondering what I could have done differently to make someone else feel more loved, accepted, etc. In weak times, rather than focusing on that person and their life as a whole, I internalize and pinpoint something I could have done better. On a great day, God opens my eyes and it has lead me to prayer for more than one person. My spidey sense is pretty fine tuned but unfortunately is housed in an inherently flawed vessel.

As a believer in someone, something and somewhere bigger than myself, I know the answer is to trust Jesus more in these areas especially where too much of a good thing about my personality becomes a bad thing. I notice a desire though not to want to reach out to Him too. Instead, I feel the pull to talk to a friend instead, to dive in to my parenting, to go to social media, to squash any feelings, rationalize my way or just try harder to have someone like me. It starts spiraling in to feelings of anxiety, rejection and failure.  It's not that God can't work through those people and things , but why not go directly to the deep well of unending peace and calm? It seems to be a no-brainier that I should read my bible and pray every day. I sang the song about doing both of those things weekly to precious 3 year-olds all last year in bible class. So, why don't I?? Why do sometimes I feel so close to God and His peace, grace, purposes and and ways and other times He's the furthest thing from my mind? 

I would love a formula for faithfulness, steadfastness, obedience. There's this image in my mind of quiet strength, confident humbleness, peaceful grace, joyful trust. Sometimes I see a tiny glimpse of just one fruit of the Spirit.. And least I get arrogant and feel as if I've arrived to some state of spiritual accomplishment, I know there isn't a way to be perfect. Only one man could live that perfect life and is not me. I pray to want to want Him. I know if I draw close to Him, He will draw close to me. That stubborn part of my spirit that wants to do it in my own power and be successful, not faithful. That wants to be abundant for my ego. The generosity that wants to let the left hand know what the right hand is doing. I want an apology in order to forgive. I want to show someone who rejected me what they are missing.

Sometimes selfishness wins. The greedy, selfish, hurt, angry parts win. Then, I'm embarrassed that I have represented the Savior who loves me so incredibly poorly. I have made the gossips about Christians true. I have failed with no legitimate excuses.  I know I'm forgiven by Him, but do I forgive myself? Do I rely securely deeply, confidently in the arms of the only presence on this earth that can calm down all the noise, failure, rejections and voices of condemnation, judgment and the feeling of being so very little.

I have learned there is a rhythm and flow to this walk of faith that I've stopped fearing . I'm a lazy, arrogant, insecure, self absorbed person. I put up walls and don't allow people to see me vulnerable or emotional until my life cracks and then people don't know me. Who is this person? She's not this emotional... but I am I just never let people see it. I keep quiet until I can't and then it pours and pours and pours out overwhelmingly so. I don't think I'm unique in this. I've grown weary in generalizing and making universal statements. They always have exceptions. My flesh is weak and my ability to want success, popularity, wealth and ease knows no bounds.  I do not believe that all of that will go away this side of heaven and YET any change at all hinges on God's grace. Any kindness, compassion, generosity I attribute to God. 

Are there good moral people with out faith? Absolutely. I have to ask, does anything in this world encourage you to forgive the unforgivable? Does anything on this planet show favor on mercy over justice? Does anything outside of God give intrinsic value to all human life from conception to death, regardless of the degree of functionality of one's body or mind?  Our culture in America reflects the basis I'm nice to you until you cross me. I give you the benefit of the doubt until we disagree. I can only like you because we like the same things. I can be open because you agree with me. I am friendly to you as long as it's convenient. The survival of not only the fittest, but the elevating of the prettiest, wealthy, most talented. It's all so..... Easy. None of it requires maturity, self sacrifice and values any person before yourself. It's reflective of a lack of foundational ground rules. It gives the power of our decisions, relationships and feelings to the lowest common denominator of negative feelings and abdicates any responsibility to the offending person.  The culture encourages success at any cost, personal achievement over relationships, ideas and causes over people and their hearts. The lack of loyalty, grace and giving leans on friends for a season because you're useful or beneficial to me and it reeks of using people and loving things rather than the other way around. I find for me, the more I surround myself with that mindset whether in person, through movies, tv music and the internet I am influenced and my goals and focus are effected. It's subtle, it's slow and it's fun and it's everywhere 24/7. It's not dangerous at first, it's not wearing a black hat with a sinister cackle. The intrusions counter minds God. Everything He stands for gets smaller and quieter and the kicker is no one has forced anything on me. I have chosen the world in a dozen different small ways until I'm so far from God, I become religious and a church attender and not a passionate follower and imitator of Christ. As long as not I only turn to them in my times of need, but allow the time I spend on them to outweigh the time I spend focused on God, the pit will never be filled. I will keep going back to the garbage because it's a temporary fill and none of it lasts very long.

I'm lazy and I grow weary of being refined so I 'take a break' I ease back and want to zone out and have 'down time'. What suffers are my relationships with my husband, my sons, my extended family and friends and most of all with God. I want to be relateable, in the world, loving people and making a difference. That influence works both ways as I am not bullet proof. I get watered down, I make compromises, I chose acceptance over boldness. I chose fun self indulged first world entertainment over and over to deep connections that are about others. Having a clique, wanting the material best, choosing the path of high grades, developing skills, being involved, 'socializing', achievement, development for our kids and fear of not being successful over focusing on being faithful to my Savior. It's a cheap path I'm tempted by. I have to remind myself, if I wanted popularity and to fit in, choosing Christ isn't on the table. There's a tug to be set apart and yet to be involved and included.

 I've come to value the journey and the dance with God that is both beautiful, mystifying to me and humbling. Two steps backward in selfishness, sin and one step forward with repentance, grace and renewed filling of His spirit and love. Yes, I hate that for one second I become greater than everything God and what He has done for me in my life and will continue to through out this life on earth He's given me. I want to be a better reflection and not a hypocrite, not judgmental, not full of myself and holier than thou. I hate living up to the negative stereotypes our country have given Christians. I hate having to ask forgiveness for the same thing I did last week, yesterday or 5 hours ago. I hate being that weak. God should have been done with me a long time ago and yet, somehow He loves, forgives and accepts me unconditionally. In the recognition of my never ending need, God shines more and I become less. I am revealed as flawed and human and He that is greater in me, will be praised.

I wouldn't trade the dance for anything this world has to offer. It's hard work and it's worth it.