This is the Day the Lord has Made

We sang that song yesterday morning in church and I was reminded, every day is a day the Lord makes and I will rejoice and be glad in it. Even when I don't feel like it, I am to praise God. I've been dealing with stuff this week too deep to blog much about at this point. I always try to take my heart issues to God first as He deserves to hear them all first and he's still got that one. I reach another hurdle and pause and analyze and pray and think.... then I move forward. I may add to this post or re post later if things come to mind. [ADD: We are actively pursuing adoption right now, but this experience has taught me God's plan is what matters. So until we have a child, any option God puts on our hearts is still open.]

I have been thinking about what Amy asked in response to my prior post about what others, including mommy's out there can do to help.
Before I begin:
1. I'm not an expert in this area nor would I dare pretend to speak for everyone who struggles with infertility.
2. I may have mentioned some of these in previous posts, but I decided to comprehensively list them here.
3. I'm not doing this to make anyone feel bad if you have done any of the these, just to help others be more comfortable with a state with which they may not be familiar.
4. I just know what I have thought and felt at almost 2 years in to this walk.
5. These statements are true when I'm having a good day. [What does a good day going through infertility mean? It means I haven't just gotten a personal monthly reminder of a no. It can also be the couple weeks after ovulating when I am the most hopeful and positive before the end of my cycle.]

I'm not jealous of anyone else being a mommy. I personally adore children and have always gravitated towards them naturally. It does make me feel better to hold, talk or play with your children. As I mentioned before, I want to be included, I do not want to isolate or turn away from my friends with children and only surround myself with those who don't have children. There are times when the scenario of just adults is more comfortable. Billy and I did chose a Sunday morning bible class based on parent status, but treasure our friendships with those who are parents.

Also men, please know that little girls play with baby dolls from the time they are toddlers rocking and feeding them. I saw little 2 year old Rachel do this just today. We are wired by God to nurture. Women have as much meaning [not identity] in to becoming a mother, hopefully through a successful pregnancy, as husbands have in being a provider.

Greatest sources of encouragement:
1. Prayer, there in the moment or just saying you will or have been. If in doubt what to pray for, strength for the journey.
2. Just saying you're sorry we are going through this in general validates this journey is hard.- You can give sympathy even if you don't have empathy.
3. Scriptures of encouragement. I started writing the ones people have passed on to me in this journey on note cards that I carry in my purse. I'll share those another time.
4. Asking questions - the complicated truth may follow, just accept it
5. Listening- some of the times I felt the greatest support is from people who just wanted to understand and then sat back to listen
6. Being asked to events regardless of the motherhood status of the group.- It's been easy to isolate myself at times convinced no one knows what to do with me.
7. Compassion and forgiveness for the emotions that comes with this journey.
8. Understanding that if I decline an invitation it may not always have to do with the issue, but if it does, please give grace. I am trying my best to not let my own hurt be in the way of my friendships. I do give grace that you might be uncomfortable about what to say to me.
9. Allowing pain. It's okay for me to feel it. If I feel safe enough around you, it's only a matter of time before you will see it first hand. I say this carefully, I don't need to be cheered up. I'm not despondant and you don't have to worry about my faith, marriage or emotional health. Billy and I both rely on God daily and each other in that order. It's healthy to face and feel the emotions. No matter how much you may want to, you can't fix this.

Greatest sources of pain:
1. Hearing the words "just relax". Those words seem to have the opposite effect.
2. Voicing your wishes on how you feel we're going to be able to add to our family. Whether it's giving birth, adoption, or fostering, trying longer or not only God knows.
3. Just do (fill in the blank). I know there are many ways to approach reproduction that have worked for other people. We have talked to spiritual mentors, doctors and specialists. I am a Christian who prays, reads my bible and trusts God with my life daily, (I am human too) those disciplines alone do not make this situation go away.
4. Minimzing the depth that infertility effects woman by comparison. It's not a contest of hurts. [ADD: It hurts now as it does at 5 months. It's not a situation you easily get distance from as you receive a no about every 31 days and it becomes real and hurtful very fast.]
5. Conveying your impression of how someone should be reacting or how deeply this effects a woman. If you don't know how this feels, that's all right, please don't say you do. We might all have ideas of how we might react to a given situation but until you are there, you don't know.

If you have any questions or comments about infertility I'd be happy to answer or listen. Even if you don't know me personally feel free to leave a comment here (just click on the word "kind word(s)" at the bottom of any entry) or email me at loricatherine@hotmail.com. I saw this on another blog and agreed with it "Comments are how an author knows their words are appreciated." They are appreciated more than you know.