News Reaction

I am searching for answers only God can answer. While listening to Christian music (975) cable station my mind went to the fact that I only call on God because He's calling on me. What's He calling me for? I've prayed, I've read the stories of women crying out, pleading with God for a child in the bible. I hit a wall this afternoon. One that had me canceling all plans this evening, because all I wanted was God and my husband. I wish I was thicker skinned or stronger. It's my internal should's, no one is saying these things to me, they don't have to.

I'm not coveting although this site provided some very good reminders so that there are no foxes sneaking in to the hen house of my mind on that front. I don't want their babies. I realized today the one thing I do without fail that fills me with the most guilt and shame in regard to infertility. I'm not beating up who I am, I'm just not proud of what I do. I can separate my worth and value apart from my actions. It's when I hear of other people's good news. This is tough enough for me swallow and I do it. I'm happy for that couple and still as soon as I get to a private place, I sob. For several minutes and nothing in particular runs through my head as my heart feels like it's breaking. I feel so awful for this reaction. It's completely illogical to me that some one's happiness brings pain to me. We are called to rejoice with those who rejoice. How ungrateful and bitter it sounds to my own ears. Their news isn't about me. I've had sweet friends take the extra time, consideration thought and care for what we are going through call me as a heads up before announcing it in a large group. I keep thinking there has to be some flaw in my thinking, in my heart, in my view that's effecting my behavior. It's one thing to have pain when I'm told no for the month. It's the same regardless of how the news is presented. For the amount of love and they had for us to know we might need to digest this before being in front of other people is priceless. It's even more special for other's who I know have not been able to get pregnant easily. Knowing it can still happen no matter how many months has passed for us (24) of failed attempts God does bless in His own time. Satan isn't content at just the hurting over joy, he keeps going until it's just this heap over me.

I know it's a blessing, and just like Lucy from Narnia peeking in to a conversation in "Voyage of the Dawn Treader", Aslan tells her she doesn't know what her friendship could have been had she not eavesdropped. I can't help but ask why don't we get blessed? What did I do to block God's blessings for us in this area? A punishment for past sins? What have I done that I have not confessed, that I haven't repented? I'll do it, whatever I have to God. I have the presence of mind to realize it's a non- spiritual trail of thought that satan can easily control. I don't know that any one single mistake in my past says barrenness. Any mistake that hundreds of women haven't made and yet they still receive the blessing of pregnancy. I hope I have had enough distance that I realize where I've failed in the past and what sins I've committed. I realize where I've been a chicken when I should have learned on the strength of the Lord. God will reveal what I haven't realized in His time.

My doubts and lack of control is what it still is. It leads me down such a dark path before I realize I've just allowed satan to beat me down in my own head. As I remember all my sins, I realize how ill-equipped I am, how will I raise a child successfully in the eyes of the Lord?? My sweet friend Amy tells me I'm hard on myself, it's because I'm not content with staying as I am. I don't need external accomplishments, the best job title on the block, higher education or material things. They don't define me, I won't turn away God blessing me with a new job or the new house, but if I never get a job or something falls through with the house, I will not be devastated. I know peace would come because I have faith in a loving God. It's not really about the end goals or if I succeed. Worst case scenario, we don't have children. God isn't going to abandon us, we aren't less blessed, or any less loved by God. I need to know in my heart I have done the right thing. I need to have accountability and be responsible for my actions. Internal growth is what motivates me to get out of bed in the morning. I know I won't ever be perfect and I don't think I'm better than anyone else, I'm just not happy not trying to just be a better person.

Reacting to news is the area I seem to get worse in the longer this continues. My guilt over it has kept me quiet about it, praying it would pass. Maybe because this was on my short list of lifetimes accomplishments. Relationship with God, finally check. Happy fulfilling marriage, finally check. Neither of these came easily though, the common denominator is me. What is it that I'm doing? Because there is still motherhood, will there be a check there? How much will I have twisted myself inside out between now and then. I think to myself it's so silly to get all worked up, we're adopting, we will receive a child to adopt. Relax and just be patient, we are doing everything we can. If only it was so easy.....Let it go to God. I have what feels like an ulcer. I don't know what other sign I need to stop worrying (sin). Sarah says it's my battle scar from going through this. Right now I feel overwhelmed with sending out the profile that we are still working on ( should have been done before we went to Montana), now job searching and going cabin fever within this house. We do have an open house Saturday, so we have to vacate for the afternoon. New house is making progress but our current one isn't sold still, hopefully the open house will produce something. And what I initially thought was indigestion (half hoping pregnancy) and then an infection I pretty much can tell it's an ulcer at this point. Just in case I wasn't feeling any less Christian with my lack of trusting and giving things to God, now I have physical proof that I'm not dealing well. When does it go from thinking to worrying? I recite scriptures to myself in those moments when the questions seem to not stop (Please reply with scriptures, that would be the best comment you could place on this entry). It's the only thing I've found that blocks out all the finger pointing. I've always balked at the label insecure. What does that even mean and why am I so adamant it's a bad thing or that I don't struggle with it? I see this process as asking questions, challenging myself. I couldn't go through life not being willingly to question myself. I do trust God, He's bigger than this and people deal with much more than this on a daily basis. As i say, it is what it is. If this makes me insecure, than I'm insecure. Satan uses anything and everything to his advantage. I need a break from his antics. He's taking a perfectly good growth opportunity and twisting it.

Hosea 6:1-3
Come, let us return to the LORD For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. "He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the third day, That we may live before Him. "So let us know, let us press on to know the LORD His going forth is as certain as the dawn; And He will come to us like the rain, Like the spring rain watering the earth."