So, I talked last time about that emptiness that I feel from time to time. That emptiness has appeared cyclically at some points, specific to a phase or a single heartbreaking event in my life. Those feelings are pretty universal covering varying degrees of maturity, relationship or child status, growing in age or my philosophical belief at the time. The other timeless reoccurring event involves come back to the foot of the cross. Again and again......
I believe what I chose to fill myself up with in the times of hurt and emptiness makes a huge difference in how long I stay that way. I've definitely chosen superficial, selfish and vain sources of coping in the past. Fishing for compliments, blaming others, judging, trying to manage other people's feelings, outguess their motives, people pleasing, shopping trips, gossiping, venting or creating distance in order to distract myself and preserve my overall unhappy state of feeling both hurt and right at the same time. Some changes are harder than others. With my personality; financial, event or accomplishment changes don't impact me very much. I'm not a driven accomplishment detailed oriented type A, I'm the type B. Generally, I'm more laid back.. well until I became a mother anyway ;-) . I'm not a doer although I am busy most of the day with 3 young sons. I'm more of an introverted thinker and researcher really with quality time love needs. I think only as late becoming the only female in a household of 4 males have female group settings really become an outlet for me. When faced with a life challenge, I'll find a book for tools to help first. Results from many settings of tests reflect that my spiritual gift is mercy, my personality is an INFJ and I'm an academic in group settings. Social and family changes can send me in to a tail spin of anxiety, insecurity and doubt. Call it abandonment issues, a complex, narcissism, what ever floats your boat. I'm not afraid of the labels, because they don't define me nor give me my worth or value. I can't give it to God and realize the root until I'm blatantly honest with myself about why I'm feeling a certain way. The process to dig that deep can be exhausting to delve through all the muck to find the core issue and sort through why I'm really feeling a certain way about someone or some action and manage my self and give that to God. The paralysis of analysis is a common event in my life as well as walking away from most social situations wondering what I could have done differently to make someone else feel more loved, accepted, etc. In weak times, rather than focusing on that person and their life as a whole, I internalize and pinpoint something I could have done better. On a great day, God opens my eyes and it has lead me to prayer for more than one person. My spidey sense is pretty fine tuned but unfortunately is housed in an inherently flawed vessel.
As a believer in someone, something and somewhere bigger than myself, I know the answer is to trust Jesus more in these areas especially where too much of a good thing about my personality becomes a bad thing. I notice a desire though not to want to reach out to Him too. Instead, I feel the pull to talk to a friend instead, to dive in to my parenting, to go to social media, to squash any feelings, rationalize my way or just try harder to have someone like me. It starts spiraling in to feelings of anxiety, rejection and failure. It's not that God can't work through those people and things , but why not go directly to the deep well of unending peace and calm? It seems to be a no-brainier that I should read my bible and pray every day. I sang the song about doing both of those things weekly to precious 3 year-olds all last year in bible class. So, why don't I?? Why do sometimes I feel so close to God and His peace, grace, purposes and and ways and other times He's the furthest thing from my mind?
I would love a formula for faithfulness, steadfastness, obedience. There's this image in my mind of quiet strength, confident humbleness, peaceful grace, joyful trust. Sometimes I see a tiny glimpse of just one fruit of the Spirit.. And least I get arrogant and feel as if I've arrived to some state of spiritual accomplishment, I know there isn't a way to be perfect. Only one man could live that perfect life and is not me. I pray to want to want Him. I know if I draw close to Him, He will draw close to me. That stubborn part of my spirit that wants to do it in my own power and be successful, not faithful. That wants to be abundant for my ego. The generosity that wants to let the left hand know what the right hand is doing. I want an apology in order to forgive. I want to show someone who rejected me what they are missing.
Sometimes selfishness wins. The greedy, selfish, hurt, angry parts win. Then, I'm embarrassed that I have represented the Savior who loves me so incredibly poorly. I have made the gossips about Christians true. I have failed with no legitimate excuses. I know I'm forgiven by Him, but do I forgive myself? Do I rely securely deeply, confidently in the arms of the only presence on this earth that can calm down all the noise, failure, rejections and voices of condemnation, judgment and the feeling of being so very little.
I have learned there is a rhythm and flow to this walk of faith that I've stopped fearing . I'm a lazy, arrogant, insecure, self absorbed person. I put up walls and don't allow people to see me vulnerable or emotional until my life cracks and then people don't know me. Who is this person? She's not this emotional... but I am I just never let people see it. I keep quiet until I can't and then it pours and pours and pours out overwhelmingly so. I don't think I'm unique in this. I've grown weary in generalizing and making universal statements. They always have exceptions. My flesh is weak and my ability to want success, popularity, wealth and ease knows no bounds. I do not believe that all of that will go away this side of heaven and YET any change at all hinges on God's grace. Any kindness, compassion, generosity I attribute to God.
Are there good moral people with out faith? Absolutely. I have to ask, does anything in this world encourage you to forgive the unforgivable? Does anything on this planet show favor on mercy over justice? Does anything outside of God give intrinsic value to all human life from conception to death, regardless of the degree of functionality of one's body or mind? Our culture in America reflects the basis I'm nice to you until you cross me. I give you the benefit of the doubt until we disagree. I can only like you because we like the same things. I can be open because you agree with me. I am friendly to you as long as it's convenient. The survival of not only the fittest, but the elevating of the prettiest, wealthy, most talented. It's all so..... Easy. None of it requires maturity, self sacrifice and values any person before yourself. It's reflective of a lack of foundational ground rules. It gives the power of our decisions, relationships and feelings to the lowest common denominator of negative feelings and abdicates any responsibility to the offending person. The culture encourages success at any cost, personal achievement over relationships, ideas and causes over people and their hearts. The lack of loyalty, grace and giving leans on friends for a season because you're useful or beneficial to me and it reeks of using people and loving things rather than the other way around. I find for me, the more I surround myself with that mindset whether in person, through movies, tv music and the internet I am influenced and my goals and focus are effected. It's subtle, it's slow and it's fun and it's everywhere 24/7. It's not dangerous at first, it's not wearing a black hat with a sinister cackle. The intrusions counter minds God. Everything He stands for gets smaller and quieter and the kicker is no one has forced anything on me. I have chosen the world in a dozen different small ways until I'm so far from God, I become religious and a church attender and not a passionate follower and imitator of Christ. As long as not I only turn to them in my times of need, but allow the time I spend on them to outweigh the time I spend focused on God, the pit will never be filled. I will keep going back to the garbage because it's a temporary fill and none of it lasts very long.
I'm lazy and I grow weary of being refined so I 'take a break' I ease back and want to zone out and have 'down time'. What suffers are my relationships with my husband, my sons, my extended family and friends and most of all with God. I want to be relateable, in the world, loving people and making a difference. That influence works both ways as I am not bullet proof. I get watered down, I make compromises, I chose acceptance over boldness. I chose fun self indulged first world entertainment over and over to deep connections that are about others. Having a clique, wanting the material best, choosing the path of high grades, developing skills, being involved, 'socializing', achievement, development for our kids and fear of not being successful over focusing on being faithful to my Savior. It's a cheap path I'm tempted by. I have to remind myself, if I wanted popularity and to fit in, choosing Christ isn't on the table. There's a tug to be set apart and yet to be involved and included.
I've come to value the journey and the dance with God that is both beautiful, mystifying to me and humbling. Two steps backward in selfishness, sin and one step forward with repentance, grace and renewed filling of His spirit and love. Yes, I hate that for one second I become greater than everything God and what He has done for me in my life and will continue to through out this life on earth He's given me. I want to be a better reflection and not a hypocrite, not judgmental, not full of myself and holier than thou. I hate living up to the negative stereotypes our country have given Christians. I hate having to ask forgiveness for the same thing I did last week, yesterday or 5 hours ago. I hate being that weak. God should have been done with me a long time ago and yet, somehow He loves, forgives and accepts me unconditionally. In the recognition of my never ending need, God shines more and I become less. I am revealed as flawed and human and He that is greater in me, will be praised.
I wouldn't trade the dance for anything this world has to offer. It's hard work and it's worth it.
