Looking Forward

I'm looking forward to the long Labor Day weekend, just have to get through the marathon day which is month end in the mortgage business. I'm anticipating at least a 14 hour day, that's the usual. Looks like we have about a 100 sales to book today, then I balance :-) (It's even more fun than it sounds)

Update on those meds: After my sweet husband played tag with the dr several times and I had a conversation with a couple trusted medical professionals (man, Amy & Brooke should start charging me) the antibiotics just have some side effects that I've been experiencing. Unfortunately the medications that could counter some of those effects make me very sleepy. Doesn't sound like they can do much for the metallic taste in my mouth all day. (It feels like I've just licked an aluminum can). As far as visiting the powder room at frequent intervals through out the day, at least I have very clean hands lately. I've been drinking tons of water to offset that as well. All the girls know of the common side effects of any antibiotic. So my sweet husband found a vitamin that's gluten and lactose free I can take to prevent that other kind of infection from occurring. Oh, and all the bloodwork came back for those forms and everything is clear. While I was 100% sure I didn't have what they were testing me for, it's uncomfortable being tested for HIV and hepititis just the same.

A happy post must occur! With summer winding down, I'll do do a season in review over the weekend, we really did some fun stuff this summer! Hope everyone has a great Labor Day :-) My goal is to do nothing with my husband and like it, yeah I think I can do that....

Sharing

Sorry if it gets tedious hearing about physical inconveniences and our journey with trying to have a child, but this blog stuff is so therapeutic. I read the comments over and over and feel so wrapped in love and understanding and compassion. I know I should just tell people when they ask me face to face, but the knee jerk reaction of "I'm fine, thank you, how are you?" lives on. I don't want to be an emotional episode dominating a conversation and bringing others in to possibly more than they really know how/ want to handle. I try to remember that I have two ears and one mouth, and should use them accordingly, listening more than I talk. I've been called emotional, sensitive, hard to talk to about this and so it becomes easy to take those labels to heart and go through this in silence. Some of the advice is hurtful, being told to just relax or adopt as if that alone is what is causing me not to have a child. I already want to blame myself, so the words make it easier to think something I'm doing or not doing is what's causing me not to get pregnant. I really struggle these days feeling like a failure. I take these feelings to Christ as he's the only one that can remind me of who I really am because He made me. I start recognizing that satan wants to isolate, intimidate and make each person only be open to the lies he tells; rather than the encouragement that can come from sharing our messy lives with each other. So I write here, get things out and it somehow makes it easier to then lay it aside and go about the day to day tasks of living. I stumbled on several websites for quadruplets and assuming correctly all these women had struggles and help, intentionally scanned back through to what kind of odds they were facing to get where they were. These strong women shared long lists of seemingly overwhelming obstacles, this is never going to happen stories, numerous health issues, etc. I've never personally met any of these women, but God speaks to me through these obstacles and shows me He can do anything.
Here's one:
McNulty Quads
- Chronic, debilitating Pain
- Disability- Permanent Medical leave from work
- Loss of disability insurance from the state
- Infertility diagnosis and treatments
- 2 years of hormone treatments
- Zero coverage from medical insurance
- 6 months of accelerated treatments
- 1 year, 3 months on technical bed-rest and inactivity
- 3 miscarriages
- Over $15,000 out of pocket and counting..

Harris Quads
After trying for a year and half to get pregnant (and I mean really trying, with temperature charts and everything!), we decided it was time to get a little help.

Steece Quads
have been trying to get pregnant for what seems like eternity now. Needless to say, we've gone through many tearful nights and frustrations that only those of you who have also struggled with infertility can truly understand. After numerous monthly disappointments, my OBGYN decided that maybe I should try the lowest dose of Clomid, the fertility drug. (If you remember, I have a bad case of endometriosis, a tumor on my ovary, severely scarred fallopian tubes, etc. and have had multiple procedures and surgery...) I just wasn't producing an egg each month, so we researched it and decided to try Clomid--it has worked for tons of other women in my situation.

What would our obstacles be?
Health concerns with recovering from the ear surgery, causing the celiac, known to cause infertility. Having the HSG only to have an infection from it.
Family history of various autoimmune and bone issues


I don't know if the clomid would help us or not as we are still don't have a concrete reason why we haven't been able to have a child yet. So far , all the tests appear okay. ( We had an early issue that was worked out). Thank you for everyone who continues to read this and pray for us. I know God has a plan for us, but I don't think anyone really knows what that is yet. I wouldn't want everyone to really understand, so it's okay if you don't. It's truly hard some days...

In case you're wondering what precipitates these thoughts, partly because we heard some friends of ours are pregnant yesterday. ( I really am very happy for them, they are wonderful people and will make warm, loving parents.) Also partly, because it just takes a few days to really process we aren't every month. (Did I mention I analyze quite a bit? Yeah, I drove my family crazy.) It gives me closure to things. All that thinking is a way to learn, try to see it from every angle so I didn't miss anything and then, only then can I move forward in peace. Time to get geared up to try again for another month.

This Post May Cause Drowsiness

I took my antibiotics yesterday morning, started to get nauseous so I took what the dr prescribed for me at noon so I could eat lunch. Maybe it's because I just haven't had alot of physical aches and don't have a high tolerance to pain/ meds. I felt loopy, somehow my head detached from the rest of my body for the afternoon. It's that feeling that I'm annoying myself, so surely I'm annoying others and I should shoosh. I got off work, laid down at 5 pm and woke up at 5:30 this morning. Sure enough, the bottle and my kind friend Brooke told me this might make me drowsy. Lesson learned? Don't take the nausea or pain meds (they say the same thing on the bottle) unless it's right before I go to bed.



Ashley, my niece (that's us with my sleepy brother a few years back) called me in the middle of Women of Faith crying. Not pain/ physically hurt, but I could tell something emotionally wasn't right. We have the same hair, naturally curly, frizzy and pretty unruly. (We at different times try to remind each other it's special and unique) She and I both work to smooth, tame and straighten it. Her friends last year took her to the salon and she was able to get her hair professionally straightened. This year she tried one at home, damaged her hair and had spilt ends making it necessary to have the bottom 4 inches of her hair cut. I put myself back in to a teenager through her eyes and would have felt very upset knowing school was starting this week. I asked if there was anything I could do and she said no, she just wanted to tell me. I hope I have that kind of relationship with God. See, this hurts God? I know you'll understand, we have the same hair :-)


Change going on around us: start of a new school year for my nieces and nephews and all the teachers I know, more traffic and longer commute to work, Billy after 9 years no longer works with his brother, my brother is getting ready to move to Colorado. I feel in many ways we are in this holding pattern though. Like an airplane not quite approved for landing. Billy talks about us not wasting this time that we have together and it really is precious. Maybe I just want there to be a holding pattern. This last week was tough on the emotions. Part of me feels ready for calmness, no updates, no excitement, no news. Billy and I both talked about a numbness and detachment. That much tugging on our emotions that quickly, our souls both just need a distraction, a diversion. Something fun and not overtly serious. We both have serious personalities though, so we talk. I am so glad God knew this about me, my tendency to over evaluate and keep picking at something. He gave me someone who wants to talk as much as I do. My brain just doesn't let these matters go easily. I've kept a diary/ journal since I was in elementary. Always a place to escape to, get everything out and be able to go on. My escape, my haven, my place of rest is God. He built in each one of his children, this resiliency, this need to hope, to look for the good. As we get older, that ability can be stilled, quieted. I want to never stop looking for the bright side of things, the silver lining. The "it could be worse" or as my mom would say, starving children in _______ would appreciate what I was refusing to eat. (Offering to send it to them didn't go over well.) Maybe it's just being grateful, as children we don't really know what other people have or what it's supposed to be like. Then we start looking around and somehow our happiness drains away. If I just had this or that, then I would have it all together. No one does. God's current blessings are enough. I would hate to turn around and one of his current blessings (husband, health, home, family, friends, job) be taken and realized I wasted it by yearning for what I didn't have. I think of my last conversation with my sister. Feeling I was right that everyone should be able to go to my grandfather's funeral and championing this cause. So what that I felt I was right, did I really do any good? When I should have just understand where she was coming from, been there for her, given compassion instead of solutions. I wasn't going to change her mind and now living with the fact that yes we loved each other, but out last words were not kind. Her birthday is getting closer and everything starts reminding me of her.




Must end on a sweet note. When little children get excited to see you, I just think it's the biggest ego boost. You pour attention and caring in to a child and it comes back ten fold. Wes and Amy let me get my baby fix sitting her from time to time. Isn't she just the cutest thing?

Songs

I really get so much reassurance from other people's stories of getting through life's struggles. Singing praise music is such a cathartic practice for me. I decided to compile some favorites. ( I downloaded these off YouTube, showed up on my home computer last night. If you can't see the links, just google the titles)

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord. You give and take away is so powerful, everything is in God's control and hands. He works everything out for His glory and that takes the edge off what ever situation knowing God gets all praise.


Held. I found this song shortly after my sister passed away. I can't say it better than she does. This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you've survived.


It is Well. I really enjoyed that finding not only the lyrics but the story behind who wrote this song. Very job-like.


We Live. Time is so short and forgiving any day to day hurts is so important so they don't pile up. I need this reminder to not stuff them down, but really forgive them.


Who Am I.So reassuring to know it's because of who God is and what he's done that He gives me grace and love every day.


Praise you in this Storm "I was sure by now, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away. Stepped in and saved the day But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining



How Great is Our God. The simplicitiy of this is so beautiful.

We trust in the name of the Lord our God

I took a home test yesterday morning just to make sure that my cycle means what we think it does. It came back negative. My cycle was not only late this month, but unusual ( sorry if this is too detailed, I wish someone had told me what to expect afterwards so I'll share here.) It seems to me that the iodine is still making it's way out of my fallopian tubes as the color was much darker. The cramping and nausea is still there. That's what got our hopes up so high, as that would explain 2 weeks of sickness. I overdid it on Saturday and as a result couldn't get through a shower yesterday morning without doubling over crying with the cramping. I went back to lie down and slept for another 3+ hours (on top of the 8 I had already gotten). I just don't seem to know my body these days. I have an appointment with my primary care physician. I also put a call in this morning to my obgyn to see if this is normal after having an HSG and maybe just no one told me.

I missed church which I really needed yesterday. Billy sat with me after he got home from church, we read, prayed and had our own communion.
____________________________________________________________


I just got a call back from the obgyn's office, who "doesn't want to get my hopes up" but these symptoms aren't from the HSG. And sometimes when you're pregnant, your first cycle can get wacky and it could be too soon for the pregnancy test to come back positive. *deep breath* She said if it made me feel better, keep track of the information and try another test at the end of the week.

Some trust in .... we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

I'll update more later after the dr's appointment.
____________________________________________________________

My doctor says it's an infection. I remember from some of the paperwork from the HSG there was a single digit possibility of one. Dr Rogers asked some personal questions, did a pregnancy test which came back negative and poked on me. She prescribed two antibiotics, a pain med and something for the nausea. She also graciously filled out both forms for both the infertility specialist and the Children's Home. On we go......

Blessed be the Name of the Lord

Our walk in the wilderness continues. Today was both a glorious day praising God with 2,000 women at the Women of Faith conference at Reunion and a recognition/ reminder of God's Holy, perfect planning. Isn't it incredible that months ago planning to go to this event, God knew, KNEW I would need the strength that comes from praise, sermons, laughter and the wonderful encouraging friendship I have with Amy Wilson today??

1 John 3:20 according to the Message:

18-20My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

Blessed be your Name, yes it's this song again. I hear God speaking and I'm listening, begging really for a a reassurance only He can give and He did. He can't not, He promised and He doesn't lie. This song has played over and over in my head since God spoke to me through it Wednesday morning. Thank you Kristen for suggesting this song as well. Today on a break I discovered our journey is still ongoing. I walked out of the ladies room with tears wanting to come out. How can I have sorrow in the face of such faith? Of such energy and passion for our Lord and Savior? Women telling all day of their struggles with loosing a husband to cancer, of surviving abuse, divorce. With God's successes being spelled out to me all day, how can I be defeated? With all my breath and with no talent in that area I cried this song out to the Lord. When it came in the line up, I wasn't even really suprised, I was reassured. Upon coming home with the news telling Billy not this time, we clung to each other and through our tears I quietly sang this song and Billy prayed over us. I couldn't do this first first and for most with out the rock and beacon of light that is our Lord, for only through Him do we have ongoing hope and a peace that truly surpasses all understanding. My sweet husband is going to get a movie and I need to finish dinner. I'm going to look Monday for a CD with this song on it....

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

Friday Facts

100 Things about me

I saw this on several blogs, thought I'd try it.

1. My biggest comfort is that I have a relationship with Jesus.
2. Because of that relationship I am loved, forgiven and accepted unconditionally and that still has the power to make me cry.
3. I’ve been through 3 denominations process to accept Jesus as my Lord & Savior
4. Ages: infant, 16 and 27
5. I don’t regret any of them as there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to prove my love and belief in God
6. Second best choice besides #1 is marrying Billy
7. Jesus is my best friend, then Billy
8. I’m very grateful that God trusted me enough to be a steward over a marriage relationship with Billy
9. Billy proposed to me by reading a poem and washing my feet, I love that story
10. I pray daily to be the most Godly wife I can be
11. I’ve always been shy
12. Many people in my life have mistaken this for other attributes
13. Making small talk is excruciating for me
14. This is a great distraction from thinking about the nausea this morning
15. I definitely deal better talking about deeper issues
16. Yes, I realize no one wants to start there when they first meet someone.
17. I admire Amy and Leah’s ability to talk to a perfect stranger comfortably and at length
18. The biggest mistakes/ hurts in life have taught me the biggest lessons
19. Everything can be an opportunity to learn something about God, others and myself
20. When I don’t understand, put myself in someone else’s shoes
21. Giving compassion rather than solutions helps heal a soul
22. Perspective, as it’s not about me, it’s about God, any of it!
23. Faithfulness to stick with something no matter how discouraged I might feel
24. Hope that God will work out everything to His good
25. As soon as I make a negative judgment about someone else , I’m sure to do the same thing within the next 24 hours
26. Knowing when I want to fight and feel I’m most “right” about something , I’m usually the most wrong
27. That this is the day the Lord has made that I will rejoice and be glad in it, even if I don’t feel like it
28. Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling
29. It doesn’t mean what they did was ok. It means I’ve let it go, that I understand I’ll need that same forgiveness one day
30. Deal with the small things, instead of letting them build up. Then something small sets you off and the ones who love you most are bewildered that any of the rest of it bothered you.
31. Emotions are not bad, everyone has them. We do have responsibility over our actions still though
32. I am the middle of a total of 7 siblings, 2 are with Jesus
33. I have worked at a mortgage company for almost 3 years now
34. I’ve had various jobs through out my adult hood: Retail for 9 yrs, HR for 6 yrs
35. I went to college for two years majoring in early childhood education
36. I wanted to be a wife and mother more than pursuing a career and I don’t regret it
37. My favorite color growing up was purple and my husband tolerates the white and lavender guest room
38. It’s my favorite room in the house
39. I really enjoy walking to the park with Billy
40. praying and studying with him
41. reading
42. Favorite book by far is the bible
43. Hobbies are scrap booking
44. making the house a peaceful haven
45. quilting
46. blogging
47. and taking pictures for the projects listed above
48. Can’t watch scary, suspense or violent movies, gives me nightmares
49. I enjoy happy chick flicks
50. I can’t wait to be a mom and I think being a parent sounds daunting, but I still want to do it
51. The older I get, the more I appreciate what my mom did for us as kids
52. I’m enjoying the time alone with Billy while we wait for God’s timing
53. I never expected it to take 15 months and counting to be a mom
54. I have 17 nieces & nephews, ranging in ages from 4 to 18 and some days that makes me feel old
55. My 14 year old nephew is 8 inches taller than me and that makes me feel short
56. Only my step mom, Sheri is shorter than me in the family. I love her for that
57. I miss my sister more than I thought possible. My fav memories of her are her going to my prom with me after the guy I asked said no, of her not snitching on me when she caught me the one time I skipped school, us taking college classes together, being in her wedding, spending a week with her after she gave birth to her first child and sitting with her in the hospitals talking about nothing and everything.
58. My fav Dad advice “ There’s always a reason why people do the things they do” and quote “ let me say this about that……”
59. My fav Mom advice “ No matter what _____ does you should always love them” and fav words “cupine” and “cooley”. (It’s an Italian thing)
60. My family is there for me no matter what, and that gives me great comfort
61. My family is very diverse and that brings me great entertainment  I wouldn’t want it any other way.
62. My step dad is one of the most peaceful people I know
63. I have always admired his kindness and patience
64. I always laugh lots when I’m with my sister Leah and now her girls, their energy is so contagious
65. I respect my brother for his compassionate nature and being the calmest in the family
66. I remember meeting the majority of my in-laws while Billy and I were still just friends, liked them all instantly
67. They have made me feel so welcome
68. My mother in law’s kindness means the world to me
69. I respect my father in law for his judgment and how well he raised my husband
70. Most of these relate to those I love and care about as I’m fairly boring
71. I enjoy that different friends bring out different sides of my personality. Brooke, Amy, Wendy, Miranda, Kim, Debra, Mica, etc….I couldn’t imagine my life with out them
72. I’ve had two room mates, Amy and Debra
73. I really enjoyed the experience
74. I struggle with doubt
75. I have struggled with being what I thought people would accept, instead of myself. I now encourage others not to do that.
76. God constantly places the most sure people in my life to learn from
77. When I’m stressed, I count letters in words and words in sentences. (Yes, I’m aware this is weird)
78. I sometimes still live in the embarrassment of past mistakes
79. okay, statistical stuff time, I still have a quarter of the way to go…
80. I’ve been married for 2 ½ years
81. I was born in Fort Worth and Texas will always be home to me
82. I’ve lived in Kansas City, KS and San Antonio, TX
83. I’ve visited New Mexico, Arkansas, Oklahoma, California, Utah, Minnesota, London and Ukraine
84. I have brown hair
85. Blue eyes
86. 5’ 3¾ “ tall
87. I have hypoglycemia
88. Because of it I eat 5 times a day, 3 hours apart with 27-35 carbs per sitting
89. I have a b12 vitamin deficiency , because
90. I have a condition called Celiac
91. My body can not digest “gluten” found in wheat, rye, barley and oats
92. When I eat gluten, my immune system attacks my intestines where vitamins are absorbed.
93. I’ve only had it for about a year
94. It also makes me lactose intolerant
95. It was dormant until I had ear surgery
96. That was the first surgery I’ve ever had in my life
97. I had ear surgery because I had a hole in my ear drum that was effecting my hearing
98. Had the hole for a while from infections, made worse by cliff diving in New Mexico 2004
99. I love being a wife!
100. Wow, done! ( I edited this three times as I do most of my blogs. I’m a bit of a perfectionist)

The Little Conductor

Thursday Thinking (Faith, Hope & Love)

I thank God for the gift of communication, how talking through something good or bad has the power to heal, to refocus me. It's usually not without some internal dialoge to find the courage to remember it's not just me that feels a certian way. I'm always rewarded with a comforting feeling in sharing and reading other's joys and sorrows. His light is such a comfort and a beacon in a world full of darkness.


This time of the year is very hard on my family. 3 years ago last month, my big sister and my grandpa went to go be with Jesus. Three weeks later, my step brother followed. Since then, we've lost three more grandparents ( the most recent being two months ago) and a precious beautiful niece. Lisa, my sister, would have turned 37 on the 9th of next month. I started reading a blog this morning about a mother who in the last month, lost her 5 year old little girl. Reading of the shock/ grief brought a flood of memories back. I pulled the ring of my right ring finger as I often twirl it with my thumb and think about my sister.


My room mate Amy gave this ring to me for my 30th birthday. I was so touched I remembered crying, as she paid me a very touching compliment that I'm not sure to this day I deserve of exemplifying these attributes. 14 months and 16 days later, Lisa passed away in her sleep. 3 days later, I stood over her next to my brother in law. He talked about wanting to leave something with her but knowing her boys would want some of the jewelry she wore every day. Without thinking, I took the ring off my finger and placed it on hers. When my accountability group(Amy, Debra, Michelle and Wendy) found out, they bought me a new one. They will never know how much that gesture means to me daily still. It makes me feel closer to her and that's priceless.

For those wondering, the nausea has been much worse this morning. I've been eating soy chips and drinking hot tea. I stopped a couple times this morning, fully expecting my stomach to empty. Still pretty tired and sluggish.

Anyone know how to updoad a video here? I have a great one from after small group last night. This brought such a sweet smile to all of our faces last night. Thank you Kim and David for letting us enjoy the sweet joy of your beautiful baby girl :-)

Wednesday Wonder

The most amazing site and sound greeted me this morning as I pulled out of my street, this wonderful sunrise and this song "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman on the radio. What a wonderful start to the day :-) I'm so glad I had my camera



Health/ Baby Update: This morning's monthly b12 shot gave me a much needed boost after the fatigue of the last week. I'm still getting used to the bigger needle and syringe. I do have more energy this morning, nausea is still there. Either way I need to make an appointment for the dr, to see why I'm still sick to my stomach and the adoption agency requires a release from my dr to ensure we can physically provide and care for a child as part of the adoption paperwork. The paperwork is very personal/ private process with lots of of hypotheticals due to it being a Christian agency. How would we disciplin a child? How do we plan to instill spiritual values and biblical knowledge in our children? (click on biblical knowledge, I must watch this video twice a week, love it!!) I can only pray, God's word is so much a part of our lives that our children will be able do something like this. What are out hopes, dreams, goals and general aspirations for our children? This and many more issues we'll need to sit and pray about, get intentional. Somehow I don't think we'd be articulating these ideas if we weren't going through this.

I'm a huge book reader, have been my whole life... here are my current reads and I highly recommend both :-) I don't find many books I can't get something out of. I enjoy taking what is applicable, running it through scripture and tossing the rest.

The first book is Captivating by John & Stasi Elderedge from a Christian women's perspective. I started attending a bible study on this book every other Monday due to how much I have enjoyed this book. This book reaches those spots in a woman's soul when " we feel like we as women are sometimes both too much and not enough". The image of what a Godly woman is at times daunting, Proverbs 31 even refers to the candle not going out at night, well when do we sleep? The book also addresses what true strength and Godly feminity look like. How as women we either become too passive or too aggressive and neither is the reflection that God created us to be of Him. A mixture of tenderness, vulnerability and courageousness. How satan attacks us and how our family of origin wounds plays a part in our awareness of who we are as daughters of the King.


Second book is one Billy and I are working on together called Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Our goal is to sit down and discuss a portion every week. I have to say this has been the most humbling book for me to read. Women tend to think we have the market cornered on relationships cause we are built to love and that's what we need. This book in the most honest and yet reverent way spoke to respect, and how much of a core need that is in men and what that looks like. I grew up in a mostly all girl house and am very comfortable around other women. Some of the same ways I relate to my best gal pals wounds/ offends/ deflates/ disrespects my husband. I did plenty of looking at Billy saying... really? Is that so? Time and again, he'd nod or simply say yes. I have prayed often in the last 6 months to apply these principles, to be able to show my respect for my wonderful husband. I do admire his ethics, his morals, leadership, how he provides for us as a family and leads us back to Christ in all things. His prayerful heart is one of the first thing I admired about him even those first couple of years before we were ever interested in each other. It spoke to me that I shouldn't do this just so that Billy will give me the love I need, but out of obedience to Christ as this is my calling in my role as a wife.

That's all for today, .. break over, time to get back to work.

Tuesday Thoughts

Last night I was able to at least be awake and productive. I felt a bit more human. I went over to Liesl's house after work and we organized & boxed up over 300 back to school kits for the children of the Ukraine. (Pictured is the Transitional Living Center where the 16 years olds who graduate from the orphanage are able to stay so they can get some higher education, both academically and spiritually. My ex room mate Debra and her husband Lance are house parents) My church has the most generous hearts, it's really a blessing to see. Billy brought over dinner and stayed to help. Did I mention how much I appreciate how supportive and encouraging he is? Jeremiah's Hope is a wonderful organization that has supported my two trips over there.


Wonderful news, one of the most gentle, kind and respectful couples I know got engaged over the weekend. I'm very happy for them both, they are so well suited to one another. They are both over in China right now on a mission trip. Please pray for Wendy & David's efforts with Friendspeak and the orphanages over there. Also, their upcoming preparations towards marriage.




I'm trying to keep my mind off of the shooting pains in my stomach and the nauseousness. I picked up some heavy stuff last night and the sick feeling in my stomach went away for a while. When we got home, the packet from NM Children's Home was there. Dr's visit, references, and alot of personal history/ view points and ideas about how we would raise a child. I hope everyone has a great day. My sweet husband offered to make dinner tonight, I really do appreciate his compassionate heart so very much. I'm sure he would enjoy a different response to the question, how do you feel, then tired and stomach hurts. These issues could all be effects on my cycle due to the HSG from 3 weeks ago.


Here's my comfort for today from Proverbs 31 Ministries as I wait....(You can find the full devotional at this link...http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/)
“Years passed, and the king of Egypt died. But the Israelites continued to groan under their burden of slavery. They cried out for help, and their cry rose up to God."
Exodus 2: 23-24 (NLT)

In some situations God shows His great mercy and the exit is quick – we’re left in awe by His power. In other situations, God chooses to take us by the desert road to strengthen us. Two things are certain no matter the route: victory for us and glory for our God.

Monday Morning Musings

I'll say what's first and for most on my mind. I have been sick to my stomach off and on for over a week. At this point I don't think it's food. (Pictured, one of my favorite GF alternatives, Pamela's Baking Mix.. just sub for any flour in a recipe) Gluten effects last for 24 hours and I've learned enough to stop eating after the first day of an offending item, to knowingly cause my body repeated damage. I've been very tired too and am due for my b12 shot on Wednesday. In the back recess of our mind we hope it's... but it's such a risky thing to get our hopes up. I do have to brace myself that maybe this is anxiety or just PMS as I'm due to start Thursday. Even if I was, then there is this unspoken, you shouldn't say anything for the first three months, I already warned a few friends, when/ if I finally I.. I am going to be so obnoxious. The word hope comes up quite a bit in all of this. God says we are to have hope, it's what keeps us going every day, hope of salvation, hope of ending of pain, suffering, hurt. God promises hope does not disappoint. I've been reading, as my discouragement starts to weigh on me, stories in the bible of women who have dealt with this. Hannah is such a relief to read; that another woman wept, pleaded, begged God, that it wasn't about her husband being enough. There was an empty spot in her soul. Yes, God is enough and if we never have a child, I will be blessed with the wonderful Lord and Savior, husband, family, friends, church, home, job. I still want one. I have my whole life. From growing up playing house with barbies and baby dolls with my 2 sisters, my brother's storm troopers and GI's stood in as grooms and daddies to having a dozen nieces and nephews who have been my guinea pigs of pseudo parenting for the last 16 years.

This is what parts of the last 15 months have been like. A cycle of trying, anxiousness, hope, and disappointment. We try everything we have ever even heard MIGHT work, then wait the two weeks to see if our efforts our successful. I read in to my body any little thing that might be different and when that first spot of blood appears, well it's been quite painful and a dashing of the hope for that month.


I didn't do much Saturday or Sunday. Billy and I made our walk Friday night, half way through it started raining, almost took a pic of my camera phone of us two drowned rats but didn't want to damage my cell. Maybe I just caught something walking in the rain as we were on the far side of Celebration Park when it started down pouring. My incredible husband cleaned the house, made me dinners, went to church by himself, did the grocery shopping and picked up the school supplies for the kids in the Ukraine. I really can't imagine going through this with anyone else. Billy is the most humble servant leader that I can't begin to deserve. He has today and tomorrow off which he completely deserves/ earned to play on his computer. He has more vacation time than I do every year as he's been with his company 9 years verses my 3.


Here is a pic of my contribution for the weekend. Most of my weekend was spent curling up on the couch, sleeping alot and trying not to move my body as much as humanly possible so I would not throw up. I did rearrange and clean up my craft room, got the computer cart out of the guest room closet and put my old sewing machine out on it. I kept a handful of childhood stuffed animals and said goodbye to 3 boxes of a teddy bear collection that was at least 20+ years old and had seen their days. I pictured a dialogue playing out much like Toy Story with the poor neglected animals going off to the garbage heap. My sweet husband promised to donate them, with a bit of clean up, they should perk back up and give some child much enjoyment.


My niece Ashley's birthday was Saturday, she is the oldest, just turned 16. That's her with her little brother Mark. I have a different special connection with each of my siblings children. Ashley in ways is a little me, with the way she learns and looks. She is also a personality all unto herself with her outgoing smile, tender emotions and artistic ability. I'm blessed to have been in her life for 16 years.

Single Days

Slide show

I'm trying new things out on this for an afternoon break... here's a slide show of the single days in Dallas, good times. But I wouldn't trade anything for the life God has blessed me with the kindest, best friend and Godly leader God could give me.

Two seemingly unrelated topics

1st, I'm not a person defined by my occupation. God has blessed me with a good job , a boss (makes that bosses now, that's one of them in the pic) that are kind to work for and cube neighbor's and fellow admins who I get along with and laugh with. I do my job to the best of my ability and with the exception of infrequent squabbles with co-workers, I leave it at the office. The recent talk about all the sub prime bad loans and the press article today about John Edwards and his link to my parent company has me feeling a bit like a mama cat looking after her kittens. I do have empathy ( more on that later) for those that entered in to a loan agreement with the adjustable rates and the declining housing market now leaving them unable to refinance or little hope of selling. Saying that, it's also a gamble in agreeing to something you can't afford down the road and hoping home values continue to rise as they have for the last few years. Trends show the market always corrects, it's just a matter of time. It's as risky as the stocks or the slots out there.

2nd, I almost never talk about politics. Usually I interpret political campaigning a character assassination/ ploy. An elected used car sales man for lack of a better analogy. When people usually talk about the elections my mind starts wondering about the color of the walls or counting the letters in the words they are speaking.

So these two seemingly unrelated events are all part of today's headline on the Wall Street Journal. It burns me about John Edwards, his investment connections and simultaneous blasting of those same institutions is hypocritical at best and weaselly at worst. Commentary Mag said it best, giving more grace than I think I would be so inclined: "Shouldn't it possible to have an adult debate about politics that recognizes that politicians, even more than the rest of us, are sometimes caught up in contradictions? What’s not adult is when Edwards, speaking to citizens as if they were children, hypocritically argues that he joined Fortress to learn more about the connections between financial markets and poverty. "

So on empathy, I read an article as well concerning University of Chicago psychologist finding the source of what causes people to be able/ unable to show empathy towards another. ( I tried to attach a link- btw, not a fan on the animal research portion).
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB118728841048999914.html?mod=fpa_editors_picks

" And if researchers in Europe and the U.S. are correct, these cells are subconscious seeds of social behavior that also can be manipulated to boost sales, generate fads or influence political beliefs. Located in the brain's motor cortex, which orchestrates movement and muscle control, the cells fire when we perform an action and also when we watch someone else do the same thing. When someone smiles or wrinkles her nose in distaste, motor cells in your own brain associated with those expressions resonate in response like a tuning fork, triggering a hint of the feeling itself. Among those diagnosed with autism, this mirror of neurons may be broken, independent research groups at the University of Montreal and the University of California, San Diego, recently reported. The more severely the mirror networks are disrupted, the more pronounced the symptoms of autism, which impairs language, behavioral and social skills, UCLA researchers reported in May."

Okay, sorry for the geek entry today, but psychology does fascinate me. God created us so magnificantly and I see science as our feable human attempt to try to understand and copy the awesome work of God.

While I'm still on lunch, gotta get small group prayer requests out before they elect someone else to do it.

Randomness from a fairly new blogger

Last night at bible study, Miranda reminded us of the Prestoncrest Ladies retreat back in February in regard to stopping, removing yourself from a situation, praying and then with God's words, resolving a situation. I'm thinking it doesn't have to be with someone else, my own thoughts will usually get me more than anyone else. that thought process applies to the current stress level with increased work load on my job and the baby situation hovering in our lives. It all leads me directly back to Christ as He is the only source of true peace down here. It's easy for me to forget that in my daily routine as most of the time the trauma or sometimes just drama happens to people around us and thankfully for a while has not directly touched Billy and I. Hormones/ emotions are pretty high and I tend to want to stay that much more to myself... my theory is I will have less to apologize for later. Which happens eventually after I have calmed down, stopped making excuses/ rationalizing behavior I truly do know isn't humble or Godly, loving and forgiving. A cliche is just that because it has a universal truth... this too shall pass. The situation it's self isn't the issue, it's how I react that defines my character. (Hehe, this feels more like a diary entry). The cranky tired factor just feels more pronounced right now, but I'll be fine... So, current news to report on the baby front, still waiting on the obgyn to release my medical records so I can submit the ginormous patient packet to the specialist and move forward with that. Billy got a call about an hour ago from the New Mexico Children's Home. They place newborns and Billy's family has volunteered with them since before Billy was born. Their cost is half of what it would be from the Texas agencies we got quotes from as well as the familiarity/ comfort level Billy has is priceless. We've had offers from family members to help and we know if this is the route God wants for us, He will provide. He proved that to us going to the Ukraine last year.

Closer to getting a sewing machine. Wonderful friend is passing on details of good deals ( 60% off) , so I get something practically priced and will do the main functions I need for quilting, sewing clothes and home decorating. It's pretty exciting, I have these what I call Martha Stewart visions of making our child's clothes and a quilt for him/ her. ( Insert laugh at the unrealistic dreamer here)

Have a fun packed weekend ahead... dinner with some friends, taking a walk with my husband, cleaning the house, gathering school supplies for kids from Ukraine and sleeping as much as possible :-)

Have a great weekend!


It's about time to go home and I have to say... I definitely get the feeling people have prayed for me today. I feel more light hearted than I have really in a couple of weeks and a noticable difference from this morning. For those who have prayed, thank you so much. I had a light afternoon, actually got a lunch hour today and read my daily devotionals.

The Packet/ Insurance...

Okay, so we are filling out the 19 page new patient packet and they request ALOT of documentation. They want a copy of both Billy and my benefit plans to see if we are covered in this area from an insurance stand point. I don't know if it will paste correctly but here is Billy's insurance Coverage:

Infertility Services The following services are not covered:Health services and associated expenses for infertility treatments.
Reproduction Applicable services:● Voluntary sterilization.● Health services and associated expenses for elective abortion.● Contraceptive supplies and services.● Fetal reduction surgery.● Health services associated with the use of non-surgical or drug-induced Pregnancy termination.

(In a nut shell, they will pay for an elective abortion, and fetal reduction but not for anything associated with infertility). It's very frustrating knowing they'll pay the terminate a pregnancy, even more so that it's an elective choice, but not help people have a child. In my current cynical, tired bratty mood, I would draw the conclusion that they want to prevent adding anyone else who might be filing claims in the future. God will provide, that's the advice I would give a friend, don't you hate it when you have to listen to the advice you give others and apply to yourself???

Food/ Movies

I had a gluten issue over the weekend. Symptoms hit about 24 hours after I ingest ( would be great to be instant, would stop eating the offending item). Alas, Sunday afternoon, I couldn't stay awake, had joint pain and stomach cramps. Feels like the flu, sans a fever. I was home sick yesterday due to I believe the popcorn from the movies on Saturday. We went to a different theatre with some friends and the flavoring/ seasoning must have been wheat based. I think I've said before the obvious pasta, bread, deserts are easy to spot. It's when it's an artificial flavor or a thickener like food starch is there, it gets sketchy. (Movie by the way, Bourne Ultimatum wasn't even worth it to me, as violence bothers me.) I cried on our way home. I'm really like a 4 year old, can't stand anything slightly suspense/ scary either. So I wonder if this will shoot down our chances this month for having a baby this month. I try to be so careful, I bring my own crackers every Sunday for communion and tolerate the comments from people who don't understand. We've actually started sitting next to a couple who is very understanding and compassionate about our situation in general and it's been such a blessing to not feel judged in either the food or the baby area. I get myself anxious about it all, have been nauscious for the last few days anyway. I remind myself of Phillipians and not to be anxious for anything but with pray and petition with thanksgiving presenting my requests to the Lord, and that peace that surpasses all understanding will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. I'm sure I just have to let it go, maybe it will get easier in time to do that. I'm still tired today and my stomach is sore, lost 3 pounds in the last couple of days as well. Energy isn't there... It passes though. Should be 100% by Thursday at the latest.

I write these and am so tempted to change my wording so no one will think poorly of the things I write, but I know God is my only judge and I know I'm not feeling 100% right now, so I'll just say what's on my mind. If you're here still reading you love me anyway, faults and all.

Baby Steps

Yesterday we made progress in finding a fertility specialist. I took the business cards my obgyn gave me and ran them by two very good trusted friends in the health care field( Thank you Brooke and Amy!) It was an incredible blessing that both came back with the same name, they not only took in to account the information I had but they knew, looked in to insurance options,... God really has placed the most amazing people in my life. I couldn't do this alone... Billy has been wonderfully understanding of the many strong emotions emitting from his wife. I've said before I don't want encouragement, but I think I just don't want a summarization. I want to know how other people have dealt with frustrations, disappointments , unmet expectations, that's encouraging to me... not "everything will be okay" while I know that, it just doesn't acknowledge the meaning of all of this...Okay, I digressed. So I went online and read the 19 PAGE new patient packet ( I will have no personal secret information by the time I have completed this, I just know). I am looking forward to a consultation so we can find out what all the options are. So Dr Doody here we come..... Side note, I've been having some random cramping like I did just after the HSG last week yesterday and a bit this morning. I'm trying very hard not to have any food issues. My current theory is that one of the side effects of Celiac is infertility. Talking to my primary care physician she said it's because of the proximity between my intestines ( which become inflamed with the presence of any gluten) and uterus. So I drew the conclusion based on the fact that the HSG kinda puffed up my uterus with the balloon and the dye going through the fallopian tubes that MAYBE ( I'll ask the specialist and update later if this is actually true or not) the tubes aren't squished and we would have a better chance at a baby just based on having the test. Gotta spend the rest of my lunch hour starting the packet. Keep praying as Billy and I are getting more bold in asking for a baby that comes from my body. Also, if it's a girl I wouldn't be quite as clueless :-)

Thought I'd add a picture of the crib we bought in faith 2 years ago for our future child. We know and trust God will fill this crib with our child one day.

Food

Work has gotten really busy lately. They (always love when people say they in regard to work, makes it easier to blame stuff on people, hehe) have been making alot of organization changes. I'm praying it's just the transition and things will level out after a bit. They are both great guys to work for. The increased workload is definitely effecting my eating. The hypoglycemia means I have to eat about every 3 hours and the gluten & lactose intolerances gives me a much smaller list to chose from to obtain the 27-35 carbs I need at every sitting. I got off work Monday fuzzy headed... stomach starts getting pretty upset when I don't keep my normal schedule. Everyone is pretty nice, some of the lower level management is bit higher maintenance but they are nice just the same.....

Proverbs 31

This is an excerpt from Proverbs 31 ministry..... Sums me up pretty well.

August 2, 2007

Afraid
By Luann Prater

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)

Devotion:
I was afraid of you. Yes, you. Do you know how long God has tried to work completely through me and yet was continually blocked because of my fear…of you? Most of my life my confident exterior has been a mask, like siding slapped on an imperfect house. I’ve been here, you just couldn’t see me. You saw the white vinyl siding that looked bright and cheery, but you didn’t see the real me.

If I dared rip off the façade you would see my rotted frame, gaping holes and leaky life. I was afraid you would run screaming at the sight, if you saw me exposed. I was afraid of your reaction.

I had lived with that shambled life for so long I couldn’t imagine myself as a new creation. I pictured the old hiding behind the veneer. What would you truly think of me if you knew the intimate details of my past? I was afraid to find out, so I hid it from you.

The Holy Spirit tried to comfort me, speaking softly to my heart, “You are a new creation. Live like it.” I would rebut, “Have you seen my past?” Then I would dutifully pull out my wallet-sized memories and begin flipping through them as a reminder of just how decayed my life had been. I would question, “Do you see this? Do you understand how people react to this sort of mess? They don’t embrace it, they separate from it! They run from this!” Timidly I cried, “Can’t you see this rotting foundation? See the lies that leaked in over here? Surely you can see right through these holes in my judgment!”

“Here is what I see,” the Holy Spirit whispered, “a new creation.” And He pulled out a mirror and held it up to my heart. The images that burned in my brain seemed to be blocking my view. They fogged the mirror. Then a nail-scarred hand gently wiped the fog away and I saw a snowflake; first one, then another. As the reflection of my heart panned out, the view became crystal clear. There was no run-down frame wrapped in white vinyl. No! For the first time I could see it, a brand new home glistening on a solid foundation surrounded by a blanket of white! And it was breathtaking!

Was this really MY heart? Streak-free windows allowed me to peak in at the brand new furnishings of peace, joy and kindness that were scattered in each room. For years Christ stood on the outside of my broken down heart, knocking. But once I let him in, all things were changed. I became a new creation.

So how about you? Are you afraid? As I speak to women across the country I find that 90% can’t let go of their past. They are afraid others will condemn them. Romans 8:1 tells us there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. We each have a past, remember ALL have sinned, but you no longer need to be afraid of your dark past. Ephesians 5:8 promises, “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light.” You don’t have to be afraid. Christ is calling you to live in fearless freedom.

Family

Present Given

Here we all are with the quilt. He loves it! My nieces within minutes started telling me the colors they wanted theirs in. Thank you Brooke!!!!!!!

Quilting & Family

Today I gave my nephew Mark a quilt that my dear friend Brooke has been helping me make over the last couple of weeks. Mark is going to live with his dad. If you're reading this you're a good friend, so I ask that you pray for my sister and my nephew as this transition will be hard for both of them. Mark and Leah came over a few weeks ago so my sister could tell him. I asked if there as anything that I could make to help remind him of his mom every day. I offered a scrapbook, but he didn't seem interested, so somehow I offer a quilt ( have never made one before in my life) his eyes lit up... and I'm seriously thinking, what have I gotten myself into? So I start the journey to learn to make one. Brooke makes tons of them and they are all beautiful so I sought her expertise and priceless friendship.

Also one last prayer request. My brother in law is open to my dad contacting and spending time with the boys. Definitely an answered prayer from God. There's division in my family and a cycle of unforgiveness that brings me alot of sadness. I simply give that up to God as best as I can....

Pic? (Hope it comes through, I'm new to this)

A walk

Maybe it might be good to write some of the hurdles we are going through with trying to figure out God's will on how to build our family through this. Something to look back on and maybe one day be able to help sometone else in this situation.

This week we took a big step having a test that I was very anxious about. The HSG was pretty painful, and I'm still a bit sore and tired. It's been 14 months. After talking to several other women in a similiar situation, just realizing this is all part of the journey. The attacks from satan that somehow the ideal life with my husband that was prefect before isn't enough, that I'd be a bad mother and on and on... My natural instinct is to be private, not to bother people or make them feel burdened or uncomfortable, definitely worrying too much what they might think of my character. ( I was reminded of Max Lucado's "You Are Special" this week, much needed reminder that only what God thinks about me matters). Good news from the test is no scaring or blockage. It also made me realize if I'm willing to go through that I have it in me with God to go how ever long it takes to find God's will in all of this. People try to help, giving suggestions, their take on God's will... some helpful, honestly most isn't. On a good day, I smile and nod and say thank you, on a bad day I get through the conversation and then go cry. I realize in all this that I've been just as guilty about that with other's struggles, trying to put a small bandaid on a bleeding and broken heart. Most of the time I just want acknowledgement that it's hard. Well that's alot to share/ scare for a first entry about this, so we'll see when I'm up for this next...