Confessions of a CF Husband

I just have to say wow for this couple's honesty. Their story has kept me in prayer for some time now and their struggle is so real and transparent. Our family has been touched by cystic fibrosis and I can't imagine for a second being in their shoes.

Tagged by Jill

Rules: Answer each question about yourself, then tag 5 people by posting their names and leaving them a comment on their blog. (I'm making up for the second part by tagging 9 people, as I'm off to bed now :-))

10 Years Ago: In January 1998, I was working as a retail manager

Things On My To Do List Tomorrow: Watch Rachel, make a cake, bring dinner to game night at Kim & David's

Snacks I enjoy: lays dipped in sour cream, funyons, nachos, (seasonally right now) conversation hearts

What would I do if I were suddenly made a billionaire? Volunteer with abused and neglected children full time

3 Of My Bad Habits: Interrupting, procrastinating, not initiating with friends

5 places I have lived: Fort Worth, TX, San Antonio, TX, Kansas City, KS and Dallas surrounding suburbs (Plano, Frisco and now Allen)

Jobs that I have had: Movie theatre (fill in the blank) I was there 2 years during high school and college, did just about everything. Same thing for Retail, did that for 8 years. HR generalist, HR Assistant, Executive Assistant, part-time nanny

Things people don’t know about me: hhmmm, Sometimes I'm too good at putting on a good face when I'm really hurt or disappointed inside. I have a hard time being vulnerable in the moment.

Tagging: Miranda, Kim, Dawn, Sarah, Trina, Kristen, Amanda, Courtney and Angela

Coffee vs. the cup

You could substitute tea for coffee and get the same results. I was very humbled by this thought... Whichever you choose, enjoy!

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit the conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in their work and lives.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups-porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive,some exquisite, telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the alumni had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said "Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.

Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.

What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups... and then you began eyeing each other's cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life.

The type of cup one has does not define, nor change the quality of life a person lives. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us."

God makes the coffee, man chooses the cups. The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

Sydney & Kyle

Last weekend we had our nephew Kyle over. He is a very logical fun sweet spirited little boy. Billy offered to take him to which ever kid friendly place he wanted to eat and he chose PB&J at home. He and Billy watched a bit of Star Wars, they both hugely enjoyed:



We ate dinner, finished the movie, and he got ready for bed. Billy started reading him a couple of stories. After the second story, Billy asked Kyle if he would like one more. Kyle's response? "Okay, one more but that's the last one, then you guys can leave and go to bed" I suspect we has being a very polite child and humoring aunt and uncle. We both laughed, read the last story we just had to have. Billy asked if Kyle would like to lead prayer, where we were updated to that he leads mealtime prayer, so we lost our opportunity there. Kyle said to Billy, but "She can though" She was me :-) Kyle really is a very sweet hearted boy we really enjoyed having over.

I was reminded to post about this tonight when we had lunch with Kyle, his sister Sydney, as well as their parents, Billy's brother and our sister in law. Sydney wants to ride with us to the restaurant after church let out. She is shortly very impressed with of all things, this:


What is this strang fascinating object for our ten year old niece that she kept playing with and was so excited to show her little bother upon arriving at their house? According to Sydney it's a "roller thingie". It would seem neither mommy or daddy's car has manual windows. When Sydney asked where she could find one on a car, I told her with a smile "the antique end of the car dealership".

A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place

I try to pepper in a couple of casual, funny or other blog entries not only for y'alls sanity but my own, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about our family state. Some days like today it hurts so much I can't breathe. Our Friday morning ladies bible study is on Beth Moore's " A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place". Today's main scripture time was spent on Luke 1:5-25. It's the story of Zechariah and Elizabeth. If you've been reading for more than a month, yes it's the same sermon shortly preached on before Christmas that had me leaving the auditorium sobbing. Was today's reaction any different? I would rejoice in saying absolutely that I have such a great grip on this whole issue (goodness knows I've had long enough to adjust) that I could separate emotion from facts but that would not be true. Exact same reaction.

I try to see the logic, know God hasn't forgotten me and loves me, to have faith, patience. I know my value is in Him alone and not becoming a mother. Should anyone think (including myself) this should somehow get easier instead of harder, they would be sadly let down by me and any other woman I've had the honor and blessing to hear share their experience in this area. I ask myself quite a bit, shouldn't I have this down? I'm sick and tired of thinking about it, of having this source of hurt. By this time, I don't even think I have anything new to say or think. God did not promise no pain because we have faith. Yes, God does make a difference in my outlook and the choices we make in this area. He's also not a magic wand that will separate me from having to experience strong emotions and feelings. Emotions themselves are neutral. The thoughts, decisions and behaviors I make out of those emotions can be positive or negative. We all make that choice, what ever the struggle may be. As inconspicuous as I thought I was leaving the room while the video was playing, God sent a caring soul after me to just support, encourage and minister. Another caring soul emailed me this evening (I changed some details to keep her privacy) she explains well the heart of this issue. So, if you know someone else who is going through this, any of this is reassuring to hear:

Hi Lori! I just wanted to check and see how you were doing after ladies bible study this morning. I just want you to know that I really believe that you were there this morning for a reason. I’m not sure what God was trying to tell you, but I pray that you heard what He said through Beth’s words. Maybe He was trying to tell you to not lose hope or to keep trusting Him or something. I don’t know, but I hope you will have understanding.

I believe I was there this morning to hear something as well. I was really touched when Beth said that maybe things didn’t happen easily so that God could bless you. I can’t believe I’m saying this because it was really hard when we had to wait, and wait, and wait, and watch everyone else get pregnant, and hear all of the rude comments, and have to see all of the commercials, etc., etc. BUT, now that I’m on the other side, I can truly say that I feel God’s blessing through all of that. And, I can praise God because there is no other explanation but a miracle from Him that we have our son.

I know that you can’t see that right now and, truthfully, I don’t know if that will happen for you. One hope that I held on to when it was going on for me was the fact that my husband and I (especially him) were really good with children. I believed that God wouldn't have given us the gifts we had with children if He wasn't going to let us use them on our own child. I didn't know how that child would come about (biologically, adoption, etc.), but I really believed that He would make it happen.

I hope that helps you a little. It may not, but that’s OK. Remember that it’s also OK to cry, to be mad about the situation, to NOT go to baby showers, and to walk all the way around the store to get to the exit because you have had a bad day and don’t want to see all of the baby stuff!! Just know that God is still there and He DOES hear you – as Beth said this morning, there’s just a thin piece of cloth separating you from Him. He hears you, Lori!!! And, His heart is broken when yours is too.
Hang in there. I’m here if you need me.

How wonderful, reassuring and powerful to hear from someone else who understands give permission to just feel! How guilty I have felt for not always doing or saying or responding the way I thought I should be. It took this couple 6-7 years to have their son. The credibility she get from me as she has been there is enormous. It's entirely from God's word to give comfort you yourself have been given. No, she's not giving me license for selfishness or spiritual laziness. She gets that this is HARD. Nine out of ten people will understand. The one that doesn't.... those are the words that I hear over and over in my head judging, criticizing and condemning. I have to give those people the benefit of the doubt that they don't realize the harm and power their words can impart. Satan uses sometimes well meaning words, or other people's expectations of how long something should last/ how intense it should be/ how much it should effect me/ or what they believe our answer or outcome will be to worsen an already painful situation. Only God knows my heart, the pain, the faith and everything else that makes up my character and soul. I never understood how much something could hurt until this happened to us. Just like I never understood how much I could miss a loved one and what that grieving looks and feels like until my sister passed away 3 1/2 years ago. Somethings seems so easy to get through from the outside. But only when it's my valley and I'm the one clinging to God, laying on my face praying through tears do I know what this feels like.

Before any of this occurred this morning, Billy and I talked and prayed last night. We are in serious prayer for adoption. There are many reasons why we think this is an answer for us, but only God knows. We are looking to go forward next month after our anniversary. Please pray God will reveal His will to us. That's what I want even more than a child or to know why. If God wants us to wait as He's asked so many people to do for years, we'll do it. If there's a child already out there, He wants us to raise, we'll do it. Not that it won't be scary and unknown or painful at times, but with Him we'll do it.

Billy's Birthday

Tomorrow is my wonderful husband's birthday, so in celebration of God giving him life I'll borrow a great idea I've seen and list the top 33 things (as he will be 33 tomorrow) I respect and love about my husband:

33. He is absolutely honest with me and everyone in his life


32. He puts alot of prayer and thought in the decisions he makes

31. He has an open mind to other people's ideas

30. He has a very soft heart when he believes he has hurt someone's feelings. It will bother him until he makes it right.

29. He is open to seeing his wrongs

28. He is a very humble man and doesn't want anyone going out of their way for him

27. He is a very gentle person. I cherish this quality so very much in him as my overly sensitive heart really needs that.

26. Once he knows I would like or don't like something, he always remembers no matter how small the detail is.

25. When I fall asleep on the couch, he carries me to bed

24. He gives up his comfort for mine. The last two weeks he's given up his fan and switched for my humidifier

23. He always pulls back my side of the bed and set up my body hug pillow every night even when we are fussing at each other

22. He leaves wonderful notes on our refrigerator dry erase board letting me know how much he loves me

21. He pays all of our bills on time

20. He's always considering me in the decisions he makes with our investments for the future

19. He picks up after me when I miss cleaning things

18. He takes complete and total care of me when I don't feel well which has been pretty often in the last three years

17. He notices and thanks me for all the little things I do for him

16. He appreciates the meals I cook for him even if they aren't cooked perfectly

15. He will talk to me about what matters to me until I've worked through it

14. He is a very good steward at his job. He's a dilligent worker and has only taken one sick day in the almost 3 years we've been married

13. He puts our relationship before his job and hobbies

12. He cuddles with me with out me asking

11. He sees his skills with computers as a gift from God. He receives frequent calls for help from people on theirs and only accepts money if they insist on it

10. His love for children and how he responds to them brings tears to my eyes just typing it here


9. He is such a good influence on me taking care of myself. Doctor's, eating healthy, taking vitamins and exercising

8. He is faithful and his perseverence on what is laid on his heart is inspirational

7. He does what needs to be done and yet is patient with my procrastination

6. He loves both of our families, no matter what


5. He has been so encouraging with our current journey in parenthood. He lets me get my feelings out and helps steer me to see where I'm not seeing right

4. He cares about sharing his faith with others who don't know the Lord

3. We were friends first for 2 years and that friendship continues. He is my best friend and I can tell him anything

2. His prayer life is such an inspiration to me. It's one of the things that made me look at my cute friend more closely. He is so transparent with God and with the people around him. There is no put on, fake face or slickness about him. He is just himself.

1. He loves the Lord with all of his heart. It permiates a hundred things he does during the day.


Also in light of attempting to live out giving God the areas of my value and security, I did what I've been putting off for a while. I took a pregnancy test this morning which came out negative. I have been avoiding going to the doctor for a couple of other minor issues because I've been wanting to live in a bubble that I was and didn't want anyone telling me I wasn't. I have to live in reality. I don't know what kind of phase or part of this process you want to call it except denial. Lord willing this too is passing.

Value & Security

Our Sunday morning class currently being taught by one of our ministers has spurred quite a bit of conversation between Billy and I in the last few weeks. Galon gave a diagram similar to what I'm going to attempt below:

God provides
Value
Security


World Substitutes
Power/ control
Comfort/ Pleasure

World Digresses
Sensuality/ Sex
Anger/ Violence


The first category representing light and life based on Romans 1, the last manifesting in addiction representing death and darkness in the world. This series entitled "Kingdom Living" challenging us to respond to every day situations from the heart of and eyes of God instead of a fallen world perspective. In our lives we can seek to fill these needs through a job, family, education, church attendance, approval, etc, etc... The list of fallen world band aids and crutches is as diverse as each person. Galon challenged us that most Christians live in the middle column.

It's been a journey to view what crutch do I use, what do I put in the place of God to provide these base needs? When these needs aren't met how do I respond? He points out that anger is not a root emotion and that fear and hurt of losing these basic needs are at the root. For example withdrawing, pushing people away, judging them and their choices is all an attempt to gain control. I know in the last couple of years I have put growing a family in that space in a way that has definitely had me reacting out of the hurt and hole in my life that has created. Here are some quotes from Galon: It is pushing God out of the way when I turn to something else except Him for comfort. God will clean that up if I let Him. By letting go I can live more abundantly without stress and anxiety. God puts no requirements on my relationship, I don't have to be (for me: charming, quick witted or graceful). His love is not performance based and He loves me even when I don't perform well. If I allow God to fill my needs then His love can better flow through me.

He also explained that when those two basic needs are not met, anxiety will increase. So when I am anxiety filled, what am I not filling met? What am I allowing to fill those needs that isn't Christ? He's the only being in my life that will always be there. Jobs end, family members die, education becomes outdated and obsolete, churches dissolve or split. He gave examples of our reactions to family events and what would reflect a kingdom response or a fallen world response starting with our thoughts going to our feeling and ending in our behavior. Young Johnny lives in a sports family house but decides to be a cheerleader... how do you respond? Mom overslept and forgot to pick up Tommy from track practice, what happens next? In the mom example... a feeling comes up of guilt from the mom, the thought process follows that she's a bad mom. She starts defending herself because she allowed this unintentional mistake threaten her value as a mother. If the mother knows she's a good mother, she apologizes.

These ideas have spoken volumes to me as I know I can put my value and security in earthly comforts and promises. Everyone except God will disappoint at some time because we live in a fallen world. My anxiety can and does rise and I start feeling as though I need to defend myself to the world. I pray for the awareness the next time my anxiety rises to take that to the Lord and let Him show me how much value I have to Him and how much security only He can offer me.

Congrats Wendy and David :-)

Two of the kindest, most respectful caring people were married today. After a wonderful friendship and courtship over the last 7 years, I am sooo happy for them! Here Billy and I are with the new happy couple:


Here are some very beautiful Chinese traditions they incorporated into the wedding including these stunning engagement photos they had taken in China:





It was a blessing and an honor to be part of their very special day.

Craft Gadget

With some Christmas money, I indulged a bit on a scrapbook gadget. I usually don't do infomercials as I'm always concerned it's not really all it's cracked up to be. This cutter is really fun and neat to play with for scrapbooking, card making, etc, so here's my plug for the Craft Lite Cutter

Showers of Love

I am very happy for these wonderful women who are all entering a new stage in their lives ( 2 about to be mothers and a bride) Congrats in order to Ashley, Amy and Wendy :-))







I'm glad to say my worries were happily unfounded about any potentially painful/ awkward conversations. Of course God took care of everything. I'm very much an Israelite at times, how short my memory is of God's loving provision. Oh, one more pic, cute little Rachel that Amy let me chase after a bit enormously helped :-) She enjoyed the stairs at both houses...

Daily Reading

My previous church emails the scriptures daily. What a great idea!! If you're interested, click here. You can still catch up :-)
January
Program 2

Date -Old Testament Reading -New Testament Reading -Gospel Reading

January 1 Genesis 1,2 Matthew 1 Mark 1
January 2 Genesis 3,4,5 Matthew 2 Mark 2
January 3 Genesis 6,7,8 Matthew 3 Mark 3
January 4 Genesis 9,10,11 Matthew 4 Mark 4
January 5 Genesis 12,13,14 Matthew 5:1-26 Mark 5
January 6 Genesis 15,16,17 Matthew 5:27-48 Mark 6
January 7 Genesis 18,19 Matthew 6 Mark 7
January 8 Genesis 20,21,22 Matthew 7 Mark 8
January 9 Genesis 23,24 Matthew 8 Mark 9
January 10 Genesis 25,26 Matthew 9:1-17 Mark 10
January 11 Genesis 27,28 Matthew 9:18-38 Mark 11
January 12 Genesis 29,30 Matthew 10:1-23 Mark 12
January 13 Genesis 31,32 Matthew 10:24-42 Mark 13
January 14 Genesis 33,34,35 Matthew 11 Mark 14
January 15 Genesis 36,37 Matthew 12:1-21 Mark 15
January 16 Genesis 38,39,40 Matthew 12:22-50 Mark 16
January 17 Genesis 41 Matthew 13:1-32 Luke 1
January 18 Genesis 42,43 Matthew 13:33-58 Luke 2
January 19 Genesis 44,45 Matthew 14:1-21 Luke 3
January 20 Genesis 46,47,48 Matthew 14:22-36 Luke 4
January 21 Genesis 49,50 Matthew 15:1-20 Luke 5
January 22 Exodus 1,2,3 Matthew 15:21-39 Luke 6
January 23 Exodus 4,5,6 Matthew 16 Luke 7
January 24 Exodus 7,8 Matthew 17 Luke 8
January 25 Exodus 9,10 Matthew 18:1-20 Luke 9
January 26 Exodus 11,12 Matthew 18:21-35 Luke 10
January 27 Exodus 13,14,15 Matthew 19:1-15 Luke 11
January 28 Exodus 16,17,18 Matthew 19:16-30 Luke 12
January 29 Exodus 19,20,21 Matthew 20:1-16 Luke 13
January 30 Exodus 22,23,24 Matthew 20:17-34 Luke 14
January 31 Exodus 25,26 Matthew 21:1-22 Luke 15

Also found this very thought provoking poem on a blog. It could describe any life experience:

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Search me, O God,... and know my anxious thoughts

I'm bracing myself for this weekend and next. I'm not a quick thinker on my feet in social situations. It's probably why I write better than I talk as it gives me more time to think. I'm anticipating the baby conversations. I read an email today about being a mommy or wanting one and there was an ache inside. With the multiple baby showers and the wedding shower along with the wedding I'm in, I know we'll see people we may not have in a while. Inevitably the question arises as we've been married almost three years now, "when are you guys planning on kids?" Billy has this so much easier, the we're practicing gets him out of all that, plus men don't ask as much as women. The first time he said that, let's just say....it was just very unexpected. So Amy Wilson has offered to go to the baby showers with me which I don't even have the words to say how much that support means. So I will work on my chit chat, keeping the conversation light. I almost have a panic attack just thinking about small talk. I'll take my camera, takes pics, make myself useful. That's when Martha syndrome kicks in, when I'm most uncomfortable, I look for things to do.

Is it embarrassing to reveal weaknesses or insecurities? Sure, it can be. I can pretend I never have an ugly selfish thought and hide my doubts and worries or just not talk about it as if it's not a big deal and I'm not dealing with these heart issues. But then you don't really know me, you can't support or encourage or pray, what ever the Lord leads you to. I can fill my blog with pictures, casual stuff or stop all together, but I chose to be real. I spent a large part of my life hiding and pretending I'm something I'm not and the only thing I succeeded in was people liking someone I felt I had to keep maintaining. I was witness to a horrible car accident on a road trip just over three years ago and what bonded me to the friends that were in that car wasn't the fun we'd had the week before skiiing, playing and cliff jumping. It was need, vulnerability and seeing their real hearts. I've known since then those are the types of friendships that matter, that are real. So I'm flawed, deeply so, it's why I need Jesus daily. I think I have to be okay with my flaws, because only then I can accept them in others. If I am only friends with those who appear to have it all together I'll be not only lonely I won't even be able to hang out with myself. More times than I can count, I meet a woman, think to myself she has it so together we can't possibly have anything in common and only until I see some kind of humaness in that person do I feel like I can relate to them. Some of my closest friends are those that have had trials, have made their mistakes and aren't afraid to share them. It does take a safe place and person to know you won't be judged, ridiculed or looked down on. Who are we to judge one another? As Eli says in "Your are Special"

Then he heard his name. "Punchinello?" said this voice, so deep and strong. Just then Punchinello stopped. The voice said, "Punchinello, oh how good it is of you to come! Let me have a look at you."

Punchinello slowly turned around and looked at the large bearded craftsman and said, "Sir, you know my name?" "Of course I do. I made you," Eli said. All of a sudden, Eli stooped down and picked little Punchinello up and set him on the workbench. "Hmmmmm," the Maker spoke thoughtfully as he inspected the gray circles all over him, "Looks like you've been given some bad marks." Punchinello explained,"Oh, Eli, I didn't mean to; really I didn't!!! I really tried hard not to." The Maker said, "Oh, you don't have to defend yourself to me, my child. I don't care what the other Wemmicks think." Punchinello asked, "Really? You don't?" Then Eli said, "No and you shouldn't either. Who are they to give stars or dots? They are Wemmicks just like you. What they think really doesn't matter at all, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special." Punchinello laughed, "Oh, me special? How can I be special? I can't walk fast. I can't jump. My paint is peeling. I make silly mistakes all the time and I am not a beautiful Wemmick like some of the others. How could I matter to you?" Eli looked at Punchinello and put his hands on those little wooden shoulders of his and spoke very slowly, "Because Punchinello... you are mine. That's why you matter to me." Punchinello had never had anyone look at him like this before or say anything so nice, much less his Maker! He didn't know what to say!

"Punchinello, every day I've been waiting and hoping you would come to see me," Eli explained. Punchinello looked up at him and said, "I came because I met a sweet Wemmick girl who had no marks." Eli said, "I know. Lucia told me about you." So Punchinello asked, "Why don't the stickers stay on Lucia?" Eli said, "Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what anyone else thinks. The stickers only stick if you let them." Punchinello looked puzzled and said, "What?" Eli said, "Yes, the stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust My love, the less you will care about those stickers." But Punchinello said, "I'm not sure I really understand. What you are saying?" The maker said, "You will, but it will take some time. You've got a lot of marks. So for now, just come to see me every day and let me remind you how much I care about you." Eli lifted Punchinello off the bench and set him on the floor. "Now remember," Eli said as the Wemmick walked out the door. "You ARE special because I made you, and I don't make mistakes."

Punchinello didn't stop, but in his heart he thought, "I think He really means it." And each time he remembered what Eli told him and each time he went to visit and talk with Eli, one of Punchinello's dots would fall off. They kept falling off and soon they were all gone!!!



We applied some scripture this month from Leviticus. I hadn't looked at it in terms of being fruitful, but after discussion and prayer with Billy we have taken this to heart. I feel like we are waiting for something to happen now, more so than usual.

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I put a counter on my blog and to the 31 people so far in the last 3 days who have come to visit me, thank you for taking a moment out of your life to check in on me, I'm very blessed.

Chatty Thoughts

I'm feeling chatty after a much needed busy day today. I'm a little rusty being in front of people as I think I've gotten maybe a little too used to communicating with people though the computer(email, networking sites.) So today was very good for me I felt connected and productive. I got out of the house, which I haven't done in almost a week due to not feeling well, feels longer. My adult conversation skills might be getting a bit rusty, but I am getting much better at the words to the Barney and Sesame Street songs, hehe. The blessing I see in that is a hopeful preview to the balance I might need someday with children.

I had lunch with my old co workers from Nationstar which showed me how blessed I am that I have a much slower pace now. I picked up some fabric for a project I'm working on for my next quilt. I picked up my bridesmaids dress from alterations, please pray for David and Wendy, 2 weeks and counting! I went baby shopping for the now 3 baby showers this month (got through that tear free thanks to some great phone support, thank you Amy!!) I had some great phone calls. It was great to hear your voice Kristen and thank you again for the great Godly advice :-)

This blog also sometimes serves as my surrogate journal, a continuation of a habit since I've had since I was 12. It hasn't always been easy for me to share with others and I credit it to God that I can be as transparent as I am now. There are five levels of communication and I definitely have a comfort zone in the 1-2, the 4 and 5 (social chit chat) well God's still working on that one. I figure if you're reading this you want to know. If I write something here you know I'm okay with the Internet and the people I care about knowing my thoughts. I'm an over thinker, it's my blessing or curse depending on how far I take it. As Ecclesiastes says, there is nothing new under the sun, if I'm thinking or feeling it, somewhere out there some one else must as well. In fact to my joy, I found someone else with the same clothing logging neurosis I have and it was a relief to know some else out there understands this weird thing about me. I used to keep a log of what I wore when I was a teenager so I wouldn't repeat my clothing choice in the same month. There, I said it. If Jill can, so can I. And if you haven't ever thought/ heard of this and are shocked or appalled, please don't tell me, hehe.

I did all that and I'm back home in time to start dinner for Billy and pick up a few things around the house, maybe get that laundry done, etc, etc,.... gotta go :-)

New Years Eve

Here is us at something like 12:30 a.m. on New Years Day with some great old friends of ours at our house.


(Amy, Nathan, me, Billy, Dawn & Jarrod)