Turnbow Disco

Fall Fun

Saturday Billy and I went to a costume party. It was my first opportunity to use my sewing machine trying to transform an every day dress in to Sally from the Peanuts. Here we are:














One more side effect added to the clomid is a very sensitive heart. If you see me in the next few days and I tear up, it's really not you, it's me.

Life at Home

Today was my first full day at home during the week. I was able to make beef stew in the crock pot for dinner this evening, got the laundry done, the bathrooms and the kitchen cleaned, and decluttered my desk here at home. I'll finish up vacuum and dusting Monday. I'm glad to break up the cleaning. I ran more of the errands for our household this last week (bank, grocery store, pharmacy). My sphere of people I relate to in a given day has definitely shrunk. There is definitely a slower pace and I feel less stress.

Today I also went to the clinic to get a baseline sonogram and to start the clomid. One dose starting this evening through Tuesday since a new cycle started Wednesday. Then I go back to the clinic next Friday morning to follow up. Then the ovulation tests and the IUI if all goes well. It's still so surreal that we are doing this. One of the deterrents I remember my parents telling us to wait for marriage as kids, is that it only takes once. I always believed that... Only side effect I feel right now is bloated.

Adventures with Rachel

Rachel Claire is officially one of the sweetest, most charming little girls. Amy and Wes really do a wonderful job with her and it's a blessing to support how they parent. I continue to try and pick up on how they are training and disciplining so I am consistent with they are do with her the rest of the week. She really likes going outside so we have been going for daily walks. She's quiet most of the time, so I babble on quite a bit. When I can get the pacifier out of her mouth, she does make the sweetest sounds. She squeals when Barney comes on the tv. She enjoys coloring, "reading" books, puzzles, playing on the piano,loving on her baby doll, pushing cars and toys she can walk behind. I have to say what's funny as well is what she doesn't like. She doesn't like her hair done, changing shirts, having her diaper changed and generally being told no. Typical toddler stuff, she'll turn 19 months on the 28th. It makes me giggle inside as she screams as though I have killed her. I should have more sympathy but I know she's not hurt, she's just getting closer to two and needs those boundaries. She calms herself down in her room and comes out within minutes laughing and ready to play. Here are some sweet pictures of my friend :-)























Thank you Amy for letting me blog about your little one :-))

Portales

Billy and I just got back in town this evening from a great long weekend with his parents. We ate like royalty, seriously my mother-in-law even made her famous apple pies so I could eat them gluten free!! This was no small feat as the Pamela's baking mix texture and consistancy is completely different from wheat flour and she made gluten free gravy!! Yuuummmm :-) The more time I spend around them the more comfortable I am with the title mom and dad. They make it incredibly easy with their kindess and servant hearts. We have been blessed this fall with all kinds of great "excuses" to see them. Already looking forward to the November to celebrate the Holidays. We gave them the link while we were there, so hi mom and dad :-)



Billy drove the 8 hour trip through flat west Texas and got in late Thursday night. I was glad we got our appointment with the caseworker from the children's home out of the way Friday afternoon as I was a bit nervous about this part. Heidi was made to do this job. She was so comfortable, she set me at ease. Next thing I know I'm asking about anything I'd heard, read or seen or TV about adoption to see what was fact or myth. Billy and I agree we both feel much more comfortable about the whole process after speaking with her. We also talked to one of the house mother's at the children's home after Sunday evening service since she has two adopted children as well. This phenomenal woman in an effort to connect to her children's heritage made an underground railroad quilt she proudly showed me. The quilt, the family and the story are just amazing.

After our lunch meeting, off to the quilt festival. I took pictures of all 170+ quilts ( don't worry won't post them all here). I will post our aunt's on Billy's side which won an award at the show. Aunt Kathy also gave me some great tips as she's been quilting for over 50 years


Saturday morning, I went back to the quilt festival and took a couple of mini classes. Then we all headed over to ENMU, Billy's alma mater to enjoy the Peanut Festival. I soon learned Portales is the peanut capital of the US. Dad had something called a Navajo taco, huge! Mom & dad know just about everyone there. I think it's so sweet to come from a small town. A sense of belonging, history and community. Maybe I'm just romanticizing it because I'm from the DFW area, which is by no means small. There was lots of fun carnival food, exhibits, songs and my sweet mom bought me this bouquet of roses made out of wood:


I was freezing out there and the cold seemed to follow us all the way home. Burrr, wasn't it in the 90's Wednesday?? Billy and I spent a bit of time enjoying the crisp fall air.. (The pose was cute until I asked Billy to hold it too long to get the pic, still worth it ,hehe)




By the way, have thoroughly enjoyed my first week helping look after Rachel, she is such a joy, the days fly by :-) I'll post pics later.

Last Day

Today was my last day with a full time job. It does feel a bit surreal and as excited about the next stage of what God is preparing us for a bit apprehensive. As with all change, there is a period of adjustment. Yesterday was a well timed sermon on our identity in Christ. A reminder when our church family and my work environment are both different to not find my identity in achievement, possessions, performance, appearance, position, power, popularity, or piety. I know these are all traps of the world. They are common as it's so easy to find purpose and fulfillment in the present.

Tears welled up more than once today. I noticed I've been more needy towards Billy. I've been in prayer and laying those before Jesus. To not get insecure and/ or controlling of my environment in order to feel some sense of power in all of this. I made up spreadhseets of what all of my time will look like trying to feel that the next step is somehow less unknown. It's the right thing to do. All sorts of "routines" that have just fit no longer will. Having a set snack time will be harder, set phone calls I've made daily on my way home.

I find myself more than at any time in my life sharing more of the personal spots in my heart,this blog being one of them. My nature since childhood is to withdrawal, fade in to the wallpaper, to stay busy and just not be a burden. I'm an introvert wishing they weren't. I shared in study tonight with four precious women as we talked about spiritual battles in our lives. There are so many more questions than answers right now. It's so much more about leaning on God's understanding rather than my own. Not having the "why's" or having it all figured out. Being in the middle of a struggle for as long as we have, it becomes a companion, if that makes any sense. God continues to show us what our goals should be, holiness, glorifying God and sharing that love and forgiveness with everyone. God gives us wisdom (James) if we just ask for it. I am called to pray with out ceasing (1 Thes)to put on the full armor of God and to stand up against satan's lies (Ephesians). I don't know what God is trying to teach us or show us. I sure wish I would be a faster learner.

There are cycles to this. Just like with grief. When we lost Lisa, they talk about the "steps" of grief, but it's not a linear path. You can go back and forth through steps. Satan definitely gets in there, whispering I'm a failure, this is a punishment for past sins in my life, making me believe God doesn't want us to have children, that I would be a bad mother. So, we pray. Billy and I pray to have God's will, whatever that is. We don't know what to pray for at times. I see the many different ways God has brought many people who have struggled through to the ending to be parents. It's all God's will, adopting, fostering, medical help, multiples. I feel that we are taking risks, steps in faith that simplifying our lives is the right thing to do. We don't have any concrete answers, maybe we never will know why we are on this journey, just that it is and it's enough that God will NEVER leave us, no matter how much it might hurt on some level more than not. I've known since I really got to know God that I was blessed to FINALLY get it. To open the door from Him knocking on my door all those years. He fought for my heart and as we ladies talked about being strong women of the Lord and my natural tendency to draw in kicks in, I know I have to keep fighting and pushing towards a family. Nothing about this journey has said to give up. I fight my fears, my doubts, my hurt and hope and pray it's not in vain.

Is it hard to talk about baby's and showers? Sure, sometimes... I pray when the urge to leave a room comes over me because of the ache rising in my chest. I remember God tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice. I never want to be so consumed by selfishness that I can't give encouragement and support to someone else. So when I tell someone my struggle, at that moment they will mourn with me as many sweet sisters have. When it's their time to greet motherhood in to their lives, I want to be be able to reach out to them as kindly as they have done for me and truly rejoice for them.

What causes me to go there in my head? Emotions on the surface because of the end of this working chapter in my life. Today it's thinking about me starting this coming week. Sometimes I honestly don't need a reason. The anxiousness does rise as that day draws nearer. It's the elephant in the room, don't talk about it, don't concentrate, don't "stress" over it. So instead of trying to program negative, " don't think about it messages" I will focus on God, and what I can do for others. I'm in the design and planning stage of a new quilt for a family member. So many prayer needs out there within our family and friends to be there for them with some more time on my hands. Time for me to give while I can... when it's an overwhelming day, I might be the one in need of that hand from another.

Admin World

Monday is my last day. Here are my fellow admins who have made my job sooo much easier. Thank you ladies :-) Looking forward to seeing you all at Tanya's baby shower!


Paula- fellow scrapbooker, always willing to answer any question. She has the two sweetest red headed boys.


Griselda- BUSY mother of four. Taking my place in REO :-) Well technically she's just coming back, she had this job 2 years ago. We just added a bunch to it.


Debbie- take charge christian lady with a heart of gold


Regina- Very patient and sweet, fellow RHS grad and now Greg's admin.


Crystal- gorgeous triplet and funny!!

New Discoveries

Ways to declutter, organize and clean my house through Flylady (Neat suggestion, thanks Christine)

Ways to organize my prayers and touch on all of them at regular intervals through Echoprayer (Thank you for this JT, it really helps :-) )

Also, looking in to how to be a Godly influence to Rachel as well as how to start approaching the adoption paperwork asking how we would raise our Child to have a personal relationship with Christ, I found some great resources .

Provisions

God provides. I need that reminder with my very short memory.(As I mention my memory I forgot I was supposed to make a phone call earlier so I sent an email...) Okay, where was I? Oh yes, God's gracious undeserved provision. Two incidents happened last night that touched both Billy and I. One was we have encountered through our new church another couple where we are at in our journey towards a family. Isn't it amazing how God brings people in to your lives to bless and be blessed by? Here is where I have to fight to slowly work towards those deep conversations I'm more comfortable with and especially someone to relate to on this issue.



Second wonderful provision God provided was a call from my sweet friend, ex room mate, and a plethera of other titles Amy Wilson who God has provided a great fit. Amy wants to work a couple days a week at the hospital, I want to work a couple of days with kids and she just happens to have an adorable 18 month who who I get along with quite well. So viola! I shall be Rachel's one person caretaker/ teacher. Heheh, I got my cirriculum out from college on infant and toddler development. Starts next Tuesday, I'm really looking forward to this.

All About My Man

All About My Man
Thanks to Miranda and Kim for this post idea!



1. Who is your man? Billy Don Turnbow

2. How long have you been together? 3 years and 1 month

3. How long dated? 3 months, we were good friends for a year and half. We knew each other, what we stood for, what we were like on a bad day, etc. We were comfortable and ourselves.

4. How old is your man? 32

5. Who eats more? I definitely eat more often, but Billy eats more per meal.

6. Who said "I love you" first? Billy did. I had been thinking it for a few days, but thought it was too soon to say anything and was soo relieved when he did

7. Who is taller? Billy, by 7 inches

8. Who sings better? DEFINITELY Billy

9. Who is smarter? hhmmm Billy is more logical. I have more life experience.

10. Whose temper is worse? We both have our days...

11. Who does the laundry? Me

12. Who takes out the garbage? Billy

13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Billy

14. Who pays the bills? Billy, he's prompt and questions charges I would never have the courage to do so.

15. Who is better with the computer? Billy, he's a genious :-)

16. Who mows the lawn? I'm so very thankful this is Billy. His allergies get him though. I should do it once just so I can appreciate him more for it.

17. Who cooks dinner? I do.

18. Who drives when you are together? Billy

19. Who pays when you go out? Billy uses his card, but since we have one account, I suppose we both pay!

20. Who is most stubborn? It's me I'm ashamed to say. Those life experiences on #9 weren't all good.

21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? Billy, his kind heart is rubbing off on me, I do it much quicker than I used to

22. Whose parents do you see the most? Mine, his parents are out of state.

23. Who kissed who first? Billy kissed me on his couch after I came over and he made me dinner. I love snugging on the couch still :-) Same couch he asked me to marry him on. No wonder I fall asleep on it almost nightly, it's such a safe place.

24. Who asked who out? Billy asked me over to his house. We had been friends to long, we kind of just eased in to it.

25. Who proposed? Billy, he made me dinner, read me a poem he wrote many years back but hadn't read to anyone, and washed my feet refering to the story in Luke. I was absolutely speechless and in awe of his thoughtful heart.

26. Who is more sensitive? Depends on the day

27. Who has more friends? We are both introverts at heart. The ones we do have are the best :-)

28. Who has more siblings? I do, by marrriage the total comes to 7

29. Who wears the pants in the family? Billy and he wears them with love.

Looking ahead

Thinking ahead alot now to next month. There will be ( if I'm counting right) 6 appointments in two weeks to do the plan. I knew I left some of the stuff the doctor said out yesterday. He did talk about the increased chance of multiples with the clomid if it's successful ( we are grateful, period). He also asked a few questions about the Celiac which I reassured him as best as I could that I'm on a gluten free diet and that my contamination was about every 2-3 months now and is slight. I don't binge on donuts no matter how tempting they smell at work every Friday. I am very careful, Billy is such a big help. When I don't want to draw attention to myself to ask and would otherwise not eat/ or say anything, he takes care of me. Still soaking in alot...

I'm so tired the last couple of days. I've been coming home, getting dinner on the table and going to sleep. It's in the home stretch, just 8 more days left at work. Helping the new girl out as much as I can, answering questions, running around maybe even more than I usually do. People at work have said the last couple days that I look like a weight is off of me. I ask myself is it all lining up, does this make sense objectively or am I relying too much on whether it "feels" right? We continue to pray, talk, seek God's will and be open to what ever He leads us to and through. For now, I'm drawn to substitute teaching. My major was early childhood education and it would be neat to use that for a little while. Just make myself available a couple days a week and it would give me the flexibility to make all these appointments.

It was definitely a Monday

Yesterday was our first meeting with the specialist. I have to tell the whole story of yesterday though as it was a Murphy's Law morning.  I clocked out at 9:45 for my 10:30 appt (takes 25-30 minutes to get to the Frisco office) as it frazzles me to be late. I go out to my car and turn my key and I hear... click click click.. I repeat this action 3 or 4 times in complete denial that my car is not starting. It must, this is important, our first meeting. They want us to be there early, what will they think? Will I have to pay a fee? How long will it take to get a make up appt? As all of this is going through my head in about 10 seconds as I call Billy.  I cut to the chase, he says hi, my reply? My car won't start. He decides to head my way. I flag down two co-workers on their break. They kindly have me lift the hood, start poking around. The conclusion is made based on the green fungi looking stuff on top of my battery, that the battery is the culprit. The first two guys didn't have jumper cables ( neither did I) then I track down two of our sweet security guards who do. They jumped my car after rolling it out of it's parking spot and blocking anyone else getting out of that section of the parking garage.  They jump, I head to the nearest Auto Zone a block away as I'm told I won't be able to start the car anymore unless I get jumped again. I arrive at the auto place, the guy steps up and says so you're here for your expired inspection sticker huh? I'm like what? Sure enough, I look at my windshield and it expired the day before. So I say ok, while you're doing that it appears I need a new battery too please. I give him my insurance, get in Billy's car and off we go leaving my car at the auto place.

Alert: Medical procedure described in the following :-)

I know I was frazzled, trying to call directory assistance to let them know we might be late, wondering how much that was going to cost and really wanting to make a good first impression on this office as we need their help. Billy takes me hand and just breathes deep. It's such a comfort that he's there for me. So the office visit went pretty well I think itself. We were about five minutes late, which I found myself still apologizing multiple times for. They take our picture, fill out a couple more forms and off we go back. They did a series of tests on me, blood, general physical stats and some more personal diagnostics. The blood pressure test was a bit high for me (I  can't imagine why after the car situation). Since all the tests came back normal, the proposed treatment plan is clomid done with an IUI. Clomid is a fertility drug that will prompt my body to release more eggs and I will do LH tests which measures when I ovulate. LH is a hormone that increases when the ovaries release an egg. They will monitor me with multiple sonograms for the best time and then see what happens. When I do ovulate, they will take a specimen from Billy and get it as close to my uterus as possible to encourage reproduction.  They will do this for up to  3-4 months. Should nothing come of that, we've been advised the next step would be a laparoscopy (sp) which would require an incision and for me to be put under so that could see if anything is wrong on a much deeper level. Then it would be IVF, which for us, we have decided not to pursue.

I was relieved to know they have found no physical reasons that we aren't conceiving. Dr. Doody said the term was just "unexplained infertility". We feel further confirmation about working part time closer to home, finding a church closer to home. Simplifying things at this point to do what we can to relax, calm down and keep trusting the Lord's provision, timing and will.