Last Day

Today was my last day with a full time job. It does feel a bit surreal and as excited about the next stage of what God is preparing us for a bit apprehensive. As with all change, there is a period of adjustment. Yesterday was a well timed sermon on our identity in Christ. A reminder when our church family and my work environment are both different to not find my identity in achievement, possessions, performance, appearance, position, power, popularity, or piety. I know these are all traps of the world. They are common as it's so easy to find purpose and fulfillment in the present.

Tears welled up more than once today. I noticed I've been more needy towards Billy. I've been in prayer and laying those before Jesus. To not get insecure and/ or controlling of my environment in order to feel some sense of power in all of this. I made up spreadhseets of what all of my time will look like trying to feel that the next step is somehow less unknown. It's the right thing to do. All sorts of "routines" that have just fit no longer will. Having a set snack time will be harder, set phone calls I've made daily on my way home.

I find myself more than at any time in my life sharing more of the personal spots in my heart,this blog being one of them. My nature since childhood is to withdrawal, fade in to the wallpaper, to stay busy and just not be a burden. I'm an introvert wishing they weren't. I shared in study tonight with four precious women as we talked about spiritual battles in our lives. There are so many more questions than answers right now. It's so much more about leaning on God's understanding rather than my own. Not having the "why's" or having it all figured out. Being in the middle of a struggle for as long as we have, it becomes a companion, if that makes any sense. God continues to show us what our goals should be, holiness, glorifying God and sharing that love and forgiveness with everyone. God gives us wisdom (James) if we just ask for it. I am called to pray with out ceasing (1 Thes)to put on the full armor of God and to stand up against satan's lies (Ephesians). I don't know what God is trying to teach us or show us. I sure wish I would be a faster learner.

There are cycles to this. Just like with grief. When we lost Lisa, they talk about the "steps" of grief, but it's not a linear path. You can go back and forth through steps. Satan definitely gets in there, whispering I'm a failure, this is a punishment for past sins in my life, making me believe God doesn't want us to have children, that I would be a bad mother. So, we pray. Billy and I pray to have God's will, whatever that is. We don't know what to pray for at times. I see the many different ways God has brought many people who have struggled through to the ending to be parents. It's all God's will, adopting, fostering, medical help, multiples. I feel that we are taking risks, steps in faith that simplifying our lives is the right thing to do. We don't have any concrete answers, maybe we never will know why we are on this journey, just that it is and it's enough that God will NEVER leave us, no matter how much it might hurt on some level more than not. I've known since I really got to know God that I was blessed to FINALLY get it. To open the door from Him knocking on my door all those years. He fought for my heart and as we ladies talked about being strong women of the Lord and my natural tendency to draw in kicks in, I know I have to keep fighting and pushing towards a family. Nothing about this journey has said to give up. I fight my fears, my doubts, my hurt and hope and pray it's not in vain.

Is it hard to talk about baby's and showers? Sure, sometimes... I pray when the urge to leave a room comes over me because of the ache rising in my chest. I remember God tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice. I never want to be so consumed by selfishness that I can't give encouragement and support to someone else. So when I tell someone my struggle, at that moment they will mourn with me as many sweet sisters have. When it's their time to greet motherhood in to their lives, I want to be be able to reach out to them as kindly as they have done for me and truly rejoice for them.

What causes me to go there in my head? Emotions on the surface because of the end of this working chapter in my life. Today it's thinking about me starting this coming week. Sometimes I honestly don't need a reason. The anxiousness does rise as that day draws nearer. It's the elephant in the room, don't talk about it, don't concentrate, don't "stress" over it. So instead of trying to program negative, " don't think about it messages" I will focus on God, and what I can do for others. I'm in the design and planning stage of a new quilt for a family member. So many prayer needs out there within our family and friends to be there for them with some more time on my hands. Time for me to give while I can... when it's an overwhelming day, I might be the one in need of that hand from another.

Admin World

Monday is my last day. Here are my fellow admins who have made my job sooo much easier. Thank you ladies :-) Looking forward to seeing you all at Tanya's baby shower!


Paula- fellow scrapbooker, always willing to answer any question. She has the two sweetest red headed boys.


Griselda- BUSY mother of four. Taking my place in REO :-) Well technically she's just coming back, she had this job 2 years ago. We just added a bunch to it.


Debbie- take charge christian lady with a heart of gold


Regina- Very patient and sweet, fellow RHS grad and now Greg's admin.


Crystal- gorgeous triplet and funny!!

It was definitely a Monday

Yesterday was our first meeting with the specialist. I have to tell the whole story of yesterday though as it was a Murphy's Law morning.  I clocked out at 9:45 for my 10:30 appt (takes 25-30 minutes to get to the Frisco office) as it frazzles me to be late. I go out to my car and turn my key and I hear... click click click.. I repeat this action 3 or 4 times in complete denial that my car is not starting. It must, this is important, our first meeting. They want us to be there early, what will they think? Will I have to pay a fee? How long will it take to get a make up appt? As all of this is going through my head in about 10 seconds as I call Billy.  I cut to the chase, he says hi, my reply? My car won't start. He decides to head my way. I flag down two co-workers on their break. They kindly have me lift the hood, start poking around. The conclusion is made based on the green fungi looking stuff on top of my battery, that the battery is the culprit. The first two guys didn't have jumper cables ( neither did I) then I track down two of our sweet security guards who do. They jumped my car after rolling it out of it's parking spot and blocking anyone else getting out of that section of the parking garage.  They jump, I head to the nearest Auto Zone a block away as I'm told I won't be able to start the car anymore unless I get jumped again. I arrive at the auto place, the guy steps up and says so you're here for your expired inspection sticker huh? I'm like what? Sure enough, I look at my windshield and it expired the day before. So I say ok, while you're doing that it appears I need a new battery too please. I give him my insurance, get in Billy's car and off we go leaving my car at the auto place.

Alert: Medical procedure described in the following :-)

I know I was frazzled, trying to call directory assistance to let them know we might be late, wondering how much that was going to cost and really wanting to make a good first impression on this office as we need their help. Billy takes me hand and just breathes deep. It's such a comfort that he's there for me. So the office visit went pretty well I think itself. We were about five minutes late, which I found myself still apologizing multiple times for. They take our picture, fill out a couple more forms and off we go back. They did a series of tests on me, blood, general physical stats and some more personal diagnostics. The blood pressure test was a bit high for me (I  can't imagine why after the car situation). Since all the tests came back normal, the proposed treatment plan is clomid done with an IUI. Clomid is a fertility drug that will prompt my body to release more eggs and I will do LH tests which measures when I ovulate. LH is a hormone that increases when the ovaries release an egg. They will monitor me with multiple sonograms for the best time and then see what happens. When I do ovulate, they will take a specimen from Billy and get it as close to my uterus as possible to encourage reproduction.  They will do this for up to  3-4 months. Should nothing come of that, we've been advised the next step would be a laparoscopy (sp) which would require an incision and for me to be put under so that could see if anything is wrong on a much deeper level. Then it would be IVF, which for us, we have decided not to pursue.

I was relieved to know they have found no physical reasons that we aren't conceiving. Dr. Doody said the term was just "unexplained infertility". We feel further confirmation about working part time closer to home, finding a church closer to home. Simplifying things at this point to do what we can to relax, calm down and keep trusting the Lord's provision, timing and will.

Last Month End!!!

Last time of crunching sales in, fixing constant issues, charge offs, attitudes, off food schedules, no lunch, 12-14 hour days. Tomorrow I have to go in to reconcile and then aaahhhh, it's all behind me :-) I'm exhausted but I just wanted to appreciate the moment. Lots more changes, had I not put my notice in, I wouldn't have reported to the same two SVP's anyway. Due to major downsizing of our branches due to the housing slump many people have lost their job in the last week. It's very different when it's on my terms and being let go, so I do pray for all those people who did lose their job. An admin that supported one of the downsized divisions starts in our area Monday, so at least my leaving saved someone else from being let go. So as of Monday, I don't have a computer, phone or cube really. They are still paying me, so I'm grateful :-)

I was grateful when they started posting these on the walls of the building. Ambiguous definitions, but a step in the right direction I thought none the less.














Current song playing through my head ( there's always one, this is courtesy of Amy & Nate's Wedding CD)
A Living Prayer by Alison Krauss



Billy's parents are in town this weekend, as well as my brother's girl friend. I'll take pics and post Monday.
I'm exhausted....night night

Busy busy...

Yeahhh, half days for 3 days at work. Last night was women's study, tonight looking in to Homemade Groumet (they have gluten free stuff , yeaaaa) and tomorrow is PC Small Group. A regular work day Thursday and my in laws come in town:-). Marathon work day Friday as it's month end close out. Saturday, go back in to reconcile all the sales, and Sydney has her play, can't wait, she's so outgoing and lively and pretty, very sweet girl. Sunday, new church stuff. Monday will bring us to 2 weeks and counting. It will be a busy time and wish I could see more of my other mom and dad while they are here, but we plan to go out there before the Holidays too. I really wished they lived closer or we did. Here's my work pic for the day, hehe it's my bosses car, so kewl !:

Things on my mind

One of the devotionals I read today really spoke to me today about filtering what I "feel" is right. Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds me to lean on God's understanding as well as Isaiah 55:8. I pray these are the right decisions and the path we are taking is God's will.

I don't often watch Oprah, but her health segments catch my attention. Some interesting findings with on health tests related to stress, as that is one of the things we are trying to curtail. The essentail part of that for me is really letting go and trusting God's will in this matter. There were some interesting insights with Dr. Oz's talk though. I did really well energy wise until yesterday, then tiredness hit me. Eyes have been burning and it gets harder to get out of bed the last couple of mornings. Stomach is a bit tender today too.

I was very blessed to get a phone call based on posting my resume on Career Builder last night. Reassuring in that I haven't given notice before without something concrete lined up. They need to staff asap and it just wouldn't be right to leave my current job high and dry. I applied for several part time office jobs online just now. I'm off to rest...

Here's my work picture for the day. It's my building and one of the parking garages. I am not a morning person. Only thing that gets me there are 7:15ish every morning is trying to get a parking spot so I don't have to walk a football field to get in the building.:

More than 2 Weeks Notice

Billy and I have been praying for a few months now about how to proceed and what's best on this unexpected journey towards parenthood. After much prayer and discussion we decided that I would scale back on working outside of the home. God brought this option to us by blessing Billy with a significant raise and through that we have paid off all outstanding debt (cars and furniture) leaving us only the mortgage. As there is no physical reason set before us, this may help with the over all stress factors involved in our situation. Billy has been a wonderful sport, but he has gotten increasingly more of just left over from me at the end of the work day. I plan on looking for something part time, close to home. Supplement some income and still feel productive and useful with a connection to the outside world. We had hoped I would be able to stay home when we had children anyway, so this will be a good transition. We believe God has opened this door and we are blessed by the opportunity. Billy has crunched the numbers several times and we know God will provide and bless this decision.

My last date is tentatively set at October 15. I didn't blog last night as the only thing on my mind was how to do what I needed to do today. I didn't feel I should write it here until I had the conversations with both my bosses this morning. A huge relief to me was they understood our situation as it bothers me immensely when someone is upset with me. I wanted to try to give them enough time to restaff and for me to train someone through the intense time of month end with the 14 hour days that are expected from that position. I have nothing bad to say about my bosses or co-workers, they have been part of my life for 3 years. It's been an encouragement in a sense to have people to talk about it and still have something to do that makes me feel accomplished and appreciated. The mortgage industry has been part of my life for the last 3 years, it will all be missed. The next steps will be more of a distraction and time off from work so this is best all around. I have a phone consultation this coming week and our first appointment with the clinic the week after. At some point we will need to make the trek out to New Mexico and meet with the head of the Children's home as well. It's a bit weird but a feeling of relief that more energy can be devoted to building our family. I like to think I have given my job the best I can. They have paid me generously and I should definitely work to earn that. I missed an important day at work the week before last and only did half days last week, it's just not fair to them either. They need someone who can get all of the job done.