Warning: Not a happy post
In light of being authentic, I have to say yesterday was difficult. It was difficult for my mother who didn't have all of her children wishing her a happy mother's day since more than one are in heaven now. It was difficult for my three nephews 11, 13 and 15 as they had to go to the cemetery to wish their mother a happy Mother's Day. If I'm honest it is hard for me to be 35 and not be a mother. I attempted to spend the day spoiling my mom. I made a couple of lasagnas to take so that the family could get together and just be with each other yesterday. There were alot of raw feelings and tender hearts and we loved each other through it. Love does indeed cover a multitude of sins. On our way to Fort Worth Billy and I talked with his mother and she was struggling as her mother passed away last year. Both my dads don't have their moms on earth either.
The scab got peeled back a little and the wound is still there, pulsing. I ache seeing my family hurt. Maybe I can tell myself enough of the correct phrases at least to get by with a smile on the outside. This people pleaser can't heal their hurts and that's hard for me. I know several precious women in similar states waiting for motherhood or who have had that door permanently closed and I tear up. My sweet friend who God has laid me on her heart emailed wonderful encouragement during this time:
I just wanted you to know that you have been on my mind and in my prayers this weekend and, especially, today. I remember how difficult Mother’s Day used to be and how sad (and sometimes mad) it used to make me. I wouldn’t go to church on that Sunday and my wonderful husband sometimes made it a point to take me on a trip to get away sometimes. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you’re NOT alone and that I understand. I pray that God brings you comfort and peace – and your heart’s desire.
Our Anniversary
8 comments:
Hey Lori-
I was thinking about you yesterday. I am so sorry that a day meant to celebrate was so understandably hard for you. I also had to stay home from church to avoid the "annual mid-sermon flee." I have no wonderful words of advise. All I have is that I'm there with ya....and love you. Your honesty in your blog helps me more than you could possibly know.
I was thinking of you (and others) yesterday too. Know that you are loved and that your honesty is appreciated!
I left a way too long comment on Brooke's blog that I should have copied straight to here. I'm so grateful that you have friends in your life that understand where you are and have memories or current struggles with the real/raw feelings of that pain. I'm also glad you have friends in your life that have been through that pain and are now rejoicing. Please help me (and others) who want to be helpful...want to show love...want to be sensitive...but in your own words "may feel guilty because we have what you want". I say I could never feel guilty that God has given me this precious child (grateful...occasionally overwhelmed...humbled...but not guilty) but I have no understanding why one friend's prayer is answered and another one waits or is told no. I understand being on the other side of pain from the perspective of divorce and then single again...I also know I surrounded myself with singles because couples didn't know what to do with me. Please share how your friends with children can be loving and sensitive and real. We love you so much!
Amy, I read what you wrote here and elsewhere with tears in my eyes. I know you and others have a genuine desire to help and not being on this journey don't know what that support or help looks like especially after reading a peek of the emotions that I experienced on Mother's Day.
I hope this example helps you and who ever else might be wondering: I loved that you invited me to a mommy shopping lunch a couple weeks back. I enjoyed seeing Robin, Emily and their beautiful children. I felt included talking about the children (yes, it's okay to talk about yours), husbands, our lives, just being supportive Christian sisters was such a blessing. I want to be included and at the same time needed you to know if that had been a hard day for me and I had declined due to it being overwhlelming of being the only non-mommy, that I still appreciated down to my core being asked and included. I hope either way that you not stop asking and just know if I had said no it wasn't about you or anyone else invited. For that afternoon I felt strong, I just got to hang around sweet friends and not feel like the "infertile" girl.
Hi sweetie.
Thanks for sharing. I too thought about you and prayed for you on Sunday. And I too like others mentioned, missed church on purpose to avoid the Mother's Day "special". I was happy for other moms, but just not happy for myself. I'll never forget when my SIL told me one Mother's Day that in the sermon Prentice talked about struggles in life and actually mentioned "what if you were a woman that so desperately wanted to stand up with all the other mother's but haven't been able to have children yet?" Oh how that spoke to my heart.
My heart goes out to you personally for your own heartache and for your family.
Love,
Liesl
P.S. I haven't received a letter from the agency yet.
Hi sweet friend. I'm sorry this weekend was rough for your whole family. It's okay not to always have a smile on the outside...especially around those of us who love you and understand.
Hope to see you tonight!
Hi.
I found your blog through my precious friend, Stephanie McCord. On this day when all I can see is my own hurt and heartache, your blog has lifted me up a bit. I read and read and read and I so thank you for your openness and honesty.
Lori,
Hi, I'm new to your blog. I just found your blog from the Steece quads blog. I was actually laughing at what you wrote about a blog going personal after you commented! That was too funny. Then, I just read your post in regards to mother's day. My heart broke for you. I've been there (at least the longing for a child part) and Mother's day was always incredibly hard for me. I welcome you over to read my blog, especially my post on Mother's day. (I promise I won't go private after you comment :O)
Blessings,
Tracie
http://thecupishalf-full.blogspot.com/
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