Light at the end of the Tunnel

So to update from the pro and con list from before, after much discussion, thought and prayer I placed my notice this week at the preschool. In the end it was about being there for Billy and my health. My first earthly responsibility and commitment is to my husband. I know I will cry the last day saying goodbye to the children whom I have come to care for very much. I also feel a huge weight off my shoulders and a break from the guilt I've been experiencing. I just didn't know going in this that it would be as much of a draw on my immune system as it has. I've never had a job for this short of time but trying to remember I'm doing this for the right reasons. God brought that opportunity for reasons some of which I can see, I'm not sure why for so short of time, but that's humbling as well as I've prided myself in loyalty in the past for longevity of previous employment. That is not my identity, even my gifts and talents from God are not my identity.

To celebrate for the first time in a month Billy and I went out on a date :-)) We went to PF Changs ( they have a gluten free menu, makes it sooo easy for me and I HIGHLY recommend the shrimp with lobster sauce, it's on the regular menu as well) and then window shopped for furniture. It was a gorgeous night out and I enjoyed the time to walk in the cool night air with my husband just spending time together this evening. *happy sigh*. I coughed during all of it, but I think much of this energy burst to still go out after a full day of preschoolers is mentally knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you Sarah, Katy, Amy and Brooke for listening over the last couple of weeks and praying through the decision that needed to be made. My people pleaser portion of my personality really kicked in not wanting the directors to think less of me or be mad about my decision. I tapped in to all of that Human Resource experience I've had to be as professional and respectful as possible. I don't want to focus on the negative having sour grapes which is always easy to let out after mentally separating myself from a situation, sort of like a negative form of closure. I have to remind myself at these times that no position, no situation, no person is perfect or ever will be. It's my responsibility to control my thoughts, behaviors and actions. I can focus on the negative or the positive ( the situation is the same regardless), it's up to me.

By the way after hearing several times to drink the water at school, who ever come up with the phrase "drink the water" as a reference to getting pregnant?? I'll lick the water fountain if that's the case :-)
( I know gross image, but you get the jist)

School Days

Rather than have another entry about how sick I feel, I saw this I thought it would be fun to post here at my blog. If you participate, please leave a comment so I can hop on over and read your responses.

Did you go to Kindergarten?
Yes, had the same kindergarten teacher as my oldest sister Lisa and my young brother Louis

What was the name of your Elementary School?
Smithfield Elementary

What was the name of your Middle or Jr. High School?
Richland Junior High ( aka now as Richland Middle )

What was the name of your High School?
Richland High School

What were your school colors?
Elementary
had to google this, red & white

Jr. High
purple and white

High School
blue and grey

What was your mascot?
Elementary
had to google this too, Wildcats

Jr. High
Rams

High School
Rebels

Graduating Class of?
1991

Who was your favorite teacher of all time?
Mrs Rogers (5th grade)

Who were your best friends?
Elementary
depended on who was in my class and was bold enough to talk to the shy girl

Who was your first crush?
Clint Collard, 3rd Grade

First boyfriend?
It was after high school (refer to the shy part again)

Did you carry a lunch box, and if so, what "theme"?
Nope, always did the school lunches

Cough

This is what I've been doing if you've seen me over the last 3 weeks. Some days worse than others. I'm tired and fuzzy headed and feel worn out. I made him go out with his guy friends on Saturday as there was nothing we could do for me and there was no sense in him being cooped up as well. I managed to drag my sad self to church yesterday, but that taxed me out and my sweet husband did all the laundry and the grocery shopping again this week. I'm not a carrier, I'm a catcher and I seem to catch everything the children seem to have. My normal "mary sunshine" is starting to wane. I'm not sure what part the autoimmune stuff plays in all this and I'm 10 years older than most of the other teachers and really feel it these days.

On top of the probiotics and vitamin C I have started taking airborne as well to keep this stuff at bay.

Positive notes, I'm hugely blessed by the love, encouragement and support of my wonderful husband, thank you honey!!!!

High Water

Due to all the rain in the last week, I am still home when I should be with my 4 year olds finishing up their snack about to line up to go to Spanish class. Instead I just got back from driving down the road with Billy to take photos of this:






Add: Here is what the road looked like on the way to bible study this evening. All better :-)

Talents

I've always been told one of my gifts is working with children. Until this last year, it's always something I've done on my terms when and for how long I was willing to commit on a volunteer basis. I knew during these times, the interaction and attention required to really give my all to a child was all encompassing for me physically, emotionally and spiritually.

So when I started last year taking care of Rachel, I expected some draw on me personally. Sure, there were tough days. Now with multiple children of varying personalities, needs and demands it's stepped up several levels. Part of this is an adjustment curve. Another part of me knows it's not something I can do half way. These are small people with which I am investing. I pray I am helping them grow not only intellectually, but physically, emotionally, socially and morally as well. Trying to impart structure, consistency, fairness, manners, virtues etc. I have heard plenty said about teachers and this job has done several things already, given me huge respect for what teachers deal with daily from their superiors, the children themselves, and the parents. This position is also teaching me what I can do to help make this eventual adjustment for our child smoother. I want our children to have structure, education and socialization skills.

The debate that comes to mind is what do I want to do most with my time? Mean a little to many people or mean much to a few (namely my hubby). This position requires sacrifice. I am human and as much as I pray to have as much patience at the end of the day as in the beginning, it's just not always the case. I know when ever we do adopt, that draw will be there for our child as well. I feel guilty to be honest, that I'm jipping my husband from the best part of me. That the best part is being reserved for children who yes I already have a bond with and care for. They are other people's children.

I have had an ongoing mental list in my head of pro's and con's that I thought I would clarify here:

Pro's
LOVE the children
learning so much for future parenting skills
great ideas for curriculum for eventual teaching of our children( praying about home schooling one day)
Using my talents in a realm I feel I can do well
Personally rewarding

Con's
Exhausted when I get home, I don't go to the gym with Billy anymore (which is high on his love language wishes)
Patience level not so good at the end of the day
School not very flexible with time off (upcoming adoption seminars/ home study, etc.)
Not the best paying
Monthly staff development meeting that fall on a Wednesday ( miss out on bible study once a month)
Sick every couple of weeks

I feel guilty at this point even thinking about quitting on these children who I have come to care very much and who hug and tell me they love me too. I also feel very guilty feeling as if my husband is receiving left overs. I have a life time commitment to him. That commitment to my husband has to trump my own selfish need to be professionally fulfilled. I just don't believe anything is supposed to come before that except my personal relationship with Jesus. I guess I share all this to now say I'm in prayer about what to do next. I'll be staying until we get moved either way, (5 weeks and counting) so I have time to have God speak to me showing me which way to go.

Speaking of prayer requests, Nathan surgery went well today, he should be home by tomorrow recovering with his sweet wife :-) Yesterday was also my niece Ashley's 17th birthday. This last month was many 4th anniversaries. Lisa's death. Four years since the only car wreck I have ever witnessed in person that involved 4 dear friends. It was so good to see Nathan, Amy and Lance yesterday regardless of the reason last night. We were thinking about you Andy in Austin. Also, my brother Alan died 4 year ago yesterday as well. He was my brother by marriage, we don't use step in our family. It's probably one of the most positive things my mom did to help us see each other as family. It's what gives me hope that our child will not just be seen as the word adopted in front. Not that there's anything wrong with the fact that our child will be adopted, but I just don't want any layers or terms indicating we aren't as close just because we don't share the same blood. God adopted us all as His children to be co-heirs with Christ.

Ukraine & Prayers

I had pictures from this evening I took, unfortunately I am receiving server errors when I try to upload (they are up as of 8/19). So here is the skinny of it. I'm still feeling under the weather but managed through work today as it's transition day for all the children moving up to the next class. I sound croaky and the cough will make you back up about 3 feet from me, but I don't have a fever or anything else that could contaminate people, so onward I went. On my lunch I swung by the new house, they are laying the concrete for the driveway, kitchen counter tops are in as well as all the plumbing.



This evening Billy and I went over to our dear friends, the Atchisons. They have been hosting a 13, (as of today 14 year-old) boy they dearly love from from Ukraine They met through the orphanages. We had a traditional Ukrainian meal of borsht, mashed potatoes, carrot salad among other things. Most made by Bogdan himself.
This is us with Bogdan and our sweet team mate from our Ukraine trip Debbie from California.


We then met up with the Alexanders and prayed over his surgery tomorrow. If you read this before 9 am Tuesday the 19th, please keep Nathan in your prayers. After that time, please pray for his recovery.



I already took my Nyquil for the evening, so I'm getting pretty woozy now.

Sore throat

The last couple of days I've been battling a sore throat. I talk much more during the day. While I try my best not to yell or scream at the children, sometimes a general shout out for initial attention above the din of 21 young voices is quick and effective. Maybe with a little less of the sound of my own voice comes my inner voice a bit more clearly than it has in a while. I really haven't had down time to think much lately. That can be a blessing at times for me as there isn't much that silences the inner dialog occurring. It's a sweet well earned and satisfying fatigue that I feel today, sore throat aside. In the realm and relativity of some very good friends hurts mine is minimal and very manageable. My heart has ached this week for several friends in physical and emotional pain. I tend to get so involved in what I'm feeling that it takes other's pain for me to see what my own means from a distance.

I got a table top mirror this week (figuring out apartment living for a couple months is a sweet adventure). The kind that has the normal view on one and the 5x on the other. What appears so normal and almost pretty on the normal scale up close at 5 times the magnification is anything but. Which makes me think about the mistakes I'm making daily in my life. From a distance I can rationalize to a menial size compared to the the "truly" awful stuff. Up close, it is what it is, no amount of make up or justification makes a wrong a right.

I've been thinking more this week about advice and being able to receive that with an open heart regardless of the source or my current mood. I want God to be able to work in my life regardless if I agree at the moment. I pray to think of some one's words as love, because they are willing to spend the time to share their thoughts with me. I don't want a stubborn closed mind or heart. When hardening occurs, the bad advice or influence doesn't penetrate but neither does the real love and intimacy. When my thoughts come to my own character, balance is often the word I use, call it seeking wisdom, mental health, whatever comes to mind to describe the search to be a better woman for God. I don't think any of us is impenetrable, we all have our weaknesses. That's what makes us stronger us a collective group of God's children motivating us to reach up to Him and outwards to each other. I hope to learn from others and pray God filters all through HIS wisdom.

My sweet husband just brought me some hot tea. So I'm going to lay down for a bit longer, rest my voice and my feet. Both will stop throbbing soon :-)

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today is my dad's birthday. He is a warm, loving man. He is outgoing and never meets a stranger. When any of us kids has been in a jam, he is there for us opening his home and his heart for as long as any of us needs to get back on our feet emotionally and physically. He tries in his heart to grow and be a better man and I'm very proud of him. The way he is currently caring for my ailing grandfather has garnered much respect. I'm very glad to have an example of kind affection reflective of the tenderness my Heavenly Father has for me. Happy Birthday Dad :-)

Our wedding 2005
Thanksgiving 2002


Crying with pride at my adult baptism 2001.

Christmas circa 1981.

August Weekend

It's different blogging now getting used to this job. I feel all talked out to an extent doing my part to help train up children during the day. When I get home, I have theorized, lectured, imparted advice and repeated myself more times than I want to. But also I haven't had much time to really think and when I get home I'm too tired and really just want to relax. For the first time in several years I don't have contact with the outside world during the day, so I feel less connected. I still have the rare phone calls with precious friends that are so meaningful I don't know I don't have them more often. Silly introvertedness that I will continue to battle. All that to say, I do have much to say I'm just so tired at the end of the day it's hard to get it out. All part of the transition that I willingly do for love of the kiddos. Funny I used to review entries with a fine tooth comb for grammar, punctuation, wording, and spelling. Now if you're still reading through my typos and my rush to say what I want to say and not neglect my husband or home I know you are letting your love cover a multitude of my errors. I can't even claim I'm getting over my perfectionism, I'm just tired and counting on your mercy. So, thank you!

Not really what I meant to start typing when I thought about doing a blog entry this evening. I do have updates pics of the house I wanted to make sure I put on here so I have copies ( you know in case there's ever a fire, I have the blog to preserve things) At some point I'll repost the ones that were lost when I revoked myself off the account about a month back.

Friday I had lunch with my sweet friend Katy, she's so kind to come close to my work to give me sweet encouragement to help me get through the end of my week :-)


Friday night, Billy and I went to see our niece Sydney in her church play. We are so proud of the talent she uses for the Lord:
We all 6 went out to dinner afterwards then drove by the new house to see the brick work done. Syndey very sweetly gave me a hug goodbye and while still hugging my waist said she didn't want to move. I just love her sweet heart.

Saturday we took it easy sleeping in. Billy made me breakfast in bed and we had a date night. I was battling a headache most of the day and evening, but it was so nice to get out just the two of us at a place that has a gluten free menu and enjoy each other's company.

Sunday we went to first service which was out of our normal routine. We worked on a project with our sweet friend Teresa during second service:

Autobiography

In return for submitting the profile to the adoption agency, we receive the next step in the process. For us it's a home study questionnaire requesting us to write an autobiography to be submitted in essay form. Here's a sampling of the questions:

1. Place of birth, places you have lived and length of stay, and moves that you remember. [for me, this is quite a few]

2. Your parents as you remember them during your childhood including: occupations, personalities, health, marital relationship, who was responsible for what duties, and your relationship to each of them as a young child, during adolescence and now.

3. How would you describe your parents in terms of the kind of parent you want to be?

4. Your brothers and sisters: their personalities and your relationship to each of them during childhood, adolescence and now. Also tell how many children in the family and your positions (oldest, etc.) [Telling strangers about Lisa in regard to having a child placed with us just brings up an entirely separate set of emotions]

5. Childhood experiences: who disciplined and how? How did you react? How was praise expressed? How was criticism expressed? What did your parents expect of their children? What goals did they set? What were their values? What did you like about childhood and family functions? What did you dislike? Did you have a nickname and how did you feel about it?

6. Describe your teenage years: What did you like and dislike about your home life? What pressures were present at that time, especially in terms of what other kids were doing?

There are 7 more questions ranging from school, dating, marriage, self and spiritual relationship. Included along with this request is a 'Safe Questionnaire I' that entails 57 more questions about our lives. Billy and I received each our own packet so they are separate from one another. Did anyone else going through this process ever receive an overview of everything that is expected for the entire process? Is it usual to just keep receiving additional requests?

I can do anything I want

I heard the words above spoken back to me this morning by a four year old determined to assert her own will after being reminded of the rules. Later after being asked to stop touching something she wasn't supposed to, she looked at me did it again and stuck her tongue out. On the way home, I started praying to God to love this child as He loves me and asking what would He do... then stopped. What did He do for me in my early 20's determined to assert my own will? He loved me, in the face of my equally rude rejection of my Lord, He still loves me.

So much of this job makes me think about what kind of parent I want to be. It's such a nice thought to tell a child they can be anything they want to be. True from the angle of potential. None of us gets to do anything we want to do without consequences catching up with us at some point or another. We all have rules to follow.

This afternoon's infant class contained one screamer. Sweet babies are so empathetic to the emotional climate room in the room that he sent every other child off eventually. It was three hours of screaming babies. It hasn't happened in the month I've been there that both classes have just had a bad day. I drove home from work with complete quiet in the car, no radio, no phone. I sit here in a totally quiet apartment relishing just a bit of sanctuary until Billy gets home from the gym. (After being all my feet all day and having my mental, emotional and physical states all working all day, I just don't have it in me to go right now)

Working with children doesn't get much respect I know. To some out there from the outside, it may not sound very important. I choose this position to make a difference in children's lives. The age they are out, they will probably not remember me as adults. I don't remember every teacher but I know every one of them contributed to the person I am today. It may be little recognition and not too much appreciation at times but I love the children and I'm using my gifts and helping.

While pushing the infants on the buggy in the afternoon ( we needed to get out of the class for a distraction), I passed by my morning 4 year old class and several children asked me why I was still there or why I wasn't with them. I received a couple of hugs as well. I really really needed that.

Probiotics

After reading a wonderful article by my sweet friend Dawn on intestinal immune solutions, tonight I began taking some things that I hope will help my body in repairing the damage due to the celiac. I had an especially bad episode Friday night after having what I believed were safe tacos for lunch Thursday afternoon (it takes that long for the food to go through the stomach digestion process , it's the small intestines that suffer the damage) so the timing couldn't have been better. For any other sufferers or those interested I am drinking a Dan Active once a day, the immunity style that includes l casei immunitas also a decent protein and calcium source. Along with that I'm adding to my vitamin regiment an acidophilus, which promotes intestinal health. I thought it would be good to note what I'm doing here to chart hopeful progress/ improvement. Thank you for the insight Dawn!!!

Expectations

Since I've started using Flock as my web browser, I've broadened my spectrum of blog reading. Since their system scans all the feeds and lets me know only who has new entries I spend half the time looking to catch up with friends. So I've found in my searchings several infertility, adoption blogs (along with some gluten blogs, grief, wonderful Christian women opening their hearts, etc) . The infertility ones have started to make me feel more sad. I began to wonder why that was. This is my own experience and personality talking. It starts building in me a sense of desparation. Scraping for a way to make it happen. Maybe it's just in me time to completely move forward. To close the door. Maybe that's unrealistic, I can never close the door of the grief and loss I have had of family members passing. It's a continual journey. In my own battle it brings up control, as if I have control. That I just haven't found the right procedure, medication, (excuse me for getting personal) position to conceive a child. When did it become all about me and my efforts? I can only do my part, check there. So the rest is up to God. I don't know that if I tried IVF if I would get another infection or not as I did from the IUI. Adoption so far has been no less of a wait, no less vulnerable than our efforts to try to conceive. It definitely seems different for everyone at what point they are ready to start looking at other ways to become a parent.

If I knew the outcome it wouldn't require faith. I can confidently state that I know what God can do. Does that mean He will do that for us? Only He knows how our path to parenthood will end.

I think about what kind of parent I want to be. I want to be a parent that cares more about their spiritual, moral and emotional development than being their friend. Yes, I want to protect my children from harm but I do not want to protect them from the consequences of their own mistakes. I don't want to be their best friend yet I want them to feel loved. I want to prepare them for adulthood and all the decisions and responsibilities so they can be productive members of society. I want them to know I am there for them no matter what decisions they make in life. Mostly I want them to have a personal relationship with God, to know in their hearts they are loved, forgiven and accepted by our Heavenly Father. To live a life that is pleasing to God, not full of perfect choices but one full of thankfulness, appreciation, a heart for others and recognition of their own sin. I don't want the American dream of college, marriage and 2.2 kids. My dream for them is fulfillment and success according to God's standards. Nothing is wrong in and of itself with doing/ having the american ideals unless that's their top priority and goal. I would want my children (especially a little girl) to know true beauty is reflected in the way we treat others not on our exterior appearance to have self respect for herself enough to dress modestly and to not turn to boys for her identity or worth. For a boy to know their value isn't in how much money, how successful they are. I do not want a spoiled child that I am afraid to stand up and be the adult, parent and discipline. I pray when those moments occur to do so in love and with the heart to teach not punish. I pray to give them more of me and less of stuff. I pray they will have the consideration, manners and respect, to be humble and sure of who they are in Christ. A quiet strength that doesn't need to be felt by bragging of accomplishments, putting others down, judging, having the right answers, wearing the right clothes.

Are the already mothers just smiling and shaking their heads? Aren't we the most idealistic, hopeful, optimistic we can surpass any challenge of a task on the brink of it? Why else would we attempt college, marriage , children?? I approached college with the most positive I can do it all attitude. I completed two years, took the courses that interested me in childhood development and was happy with the knowledge I gained there. Does that mean I stopped learning after that?No, my education just took on more on the job training and life experiences than I first envisioned. Marriage is definitely worth every effort. It is effort for two individuals to merge their lives together no matter how much they have in common. No two people will agree on everything. Billy and I try to learn something from our disagreements, it feels like it's less in vain that way for us. We believe it's an opportunity to work on an area of our relationship. Anything rewarding requires hard work and sacrifice. The initial infatuation stage with the obsession is just the beginning of what becomes better and different. I enjoy being at the 4 year stage with Billy, the way we know each other and yet still continue to learn. Does our relationship look and feel like what I thought it did when we were engaged looking towards our marriage? Yes and no. We are human and we both make mistakes, I work on showing Billy unconditional respect every day. The level of communication, intimacy, appreciation, feeling of being a team and having my best earthly friend beside me leading me towards the Lord is priceless.

August Daily Bible Reading

Date	Old Testament	New Testament	Gospel
August 1	Psalm 65,66,67	Romans 2	Matthew 11
August 2	Psalm 68,69	Romans 3	Matthew 12
August 3	Psalm 70,71,72	Romans 4	Matthew 13
August 4	Psalm 73,74	Romans 5	Matthew 14
August 5	Psalm 75,76,77	Romans 6	Matthew 15
August 6	Psalm 78	Romans 7	Matthew 16
August 7	Psalm 79,80,81	Romans 8:1-18	Matthew 17
August 8	Psalm 82,83,84	Romans 8:19-39	Matthew 18
August 9	Psalm 85,86,87	Romans 9	Matthew 19
August 10	Psalm 88,89	Romans 10	Matthew 20
August 11	Psalm 90,91,92	Romans 11:1-21	Matthew 21
August 12	Psalm 93,94,95	Romans 11:22-36	Matthew 22
August 13	Psalm 96,97,98	Romans 12	Matthew 23
August 14	Psalm 99-102	Romans 13	Matthew 24
August 15	Psalm 103,104	Romans 14	Matthew 25
August 16	Psalm 105,106	Romans 15:1-20	Matthew 26
August 17	Psalm 107,108	Romans 15:21-33	Matthew 27
August 18	Psalm 109-111	Romans 16	Matthew 28
August 19	Psalm 112-115	1 Corinthians 1	Mark 1
August 20	Psalm 116-118	1 Corinthians 2	Mark 2
August 21	Psalm 119:1-48	1 Corinthians 3	Mark 3
August 22	Psalm 119:49-104	1 Corinthians 4	Mark 4
August 23	Psalm 119:105-176	1 Corinthians 5	Mark 5
August 24	Psalm 120-123	1 Corinthians 6	Mark 6
August 25	Psalm 124-127	1 Corinthians 7:1-24	Mark 7
August 26	Psalm 128-131	1 Corinthians 7:25-40	Mark 8
August 27	Psalm 132-135	1 Corinthians 8	Mark 9
August 28	Psalm 136-138	1 Corinthians 9	Mark 10
August 29	Psalm 139-141	1 Corinthians 10:1-13	Mark 11
August 30	Psalm 142-144	1 Corinthians 10:14-33	Mark 12
August 31	Psalm 145-147	1 Corinthians 11:1-15	Mark 13

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