No Perfection Here

I recently discovered the song Exhale by Plumb. The opening lyrics
"It's okay to not be okay
This is a safe place
This is a safe place
Don't be afraid
Don't be ashamed
There's still hope here
There's still hope here

No matter what you've done or who you are
Everyone is welcome His arms

Just let go let His love wrap around you
And hold you close
Get lost in the surrender
Breathe it in until your heart breaks
Then exhale
Exhale"

 brought tears to my eyes and goosebumps to my arms. I was reminded on my entry from last November titled " I'm OK, Not Being OK"

Our church has begun a new sermon series and is launching a ministry that I'm excited about. Celebrate Recovery is the recognition that we all have baggage. We all have unhealthy coping strategies and make poor choices out of our hurts and tendency to believe the world's lies rather than the truth, power and grace of God. There is no judgment on your faith or maturity. There is also no expert pretending to have an answer to all of your problems trying to fix you.

The sermon series our preacher is starting is called Baggage Claim. The sermon series can be found here starting with the sermon on July 26, 2015 titled "No One is Perfect" I cried during worship time on that first morning, because it was such a breath of fresh air. "Church is where you take the mask off, not where you put it on" Because it's what I've been wanting and needing to hear about God and from His people. It's not a new concept or even the first time I've heard this from a pulpit. The reason it resonated so strongly with me is this has legs to it. They aren't just talking, they are living it out.

I want to be done feeling like an outsider. These are my people, I can't be shocked by the sin inside anymore than the sin outside. If I somehow put Christians up on a pedestal, I'm buying in to the lie that we can obtain perfection and we don't need the grace of God. If I say I or they should know better and shouldn't stumble, doubt, question, or sin, I'm believing head knowledge is sufficient for heart life changing transformation. If I compare sins, I'm living as thought I don't need or want forgiveness and that it's not equally available to every person on the planet, bar none. In many ways the church is zero different from outside the church. We somehow expect ourselves and each other to be perfect and when we aren't, we cry hypocrite just like the rest of the world does.  Maybe to some degree, we want to believe perfection is possible and life could be easier and fixable, more able to control and less likely to be hurt, betrayed, abandoned, what ever your worst fear is. Life is not formulaic. It reminds me of my early 20's, you know I can take on the world, I had all the answers. Oh vey. Part of me believed at the time I had to be that oblivious and feel bullet proof with some degree of an arrogant attitude because otherwise I might run form adulthood and all it's responsibilities, failures, the unknown and the pressure of all the life deciding decisions on my shoulders etc. 

Not for one minute, do I believe shining God's light is about perfection and meeting standards and laws. Standing up for what you believe in with conviction, kindness, love and courage is not limited to professionals, the most mature, the scholars, the benefactors of christian royal lineage. It's for every person whose heart has been impacted by the love of God and finds redemption in the blood from the cross of Jesus Christ dying from our sins. I believe the glory of His love does include law, but that only comes ( at least for me) after the love, grace, redemption, support, encouragement, prayer and being a friend. He shines brightest when we accept our need of Him. He is glorified when we stop trying to think of our own answers. He reigns supreme when community and vulnerability is present. It's not about the short sale and the notch of success on some mythical spiritual tally. It's commitment, loyalty, love, perseverance. So much of our society is geared towards our comfort, ease, entertainment and success of self and I formally reject it.

If I never share another message about faith. If this is my last post about 'religion' (such a small world that doesn't begin to adequately define or describe God) I'm ok with this being the resounding echo that I stand for.

I'm at a place where I know diversity is essential or pride and comfort seep in. In life, I can recognize when I'm starting to only want to acknowledge the positives in my life choices and the negatives in others. It's a lose-lose game. The temptation to internalize, take it personally, feel judged or somehow codependently require those I let close to me to only be like me. I never want to lose the ability to have a meaningful loving conversation with someone who disagrees with me on every point and we can still walk away with respect, love and kindness. While I do want to be known more for what I am passionate about and champion and have a heart to go to the mat for; saying I don't like or chose something isn't a slap or judgement to everyone else who disagrees. It's okay to be different, it takes away nothing from you, including respect and love if I don't agree with you and vice versa.

There is a beautiful place between the misnomer of labeling everything all right/ no one is wrong and the idea that your particular way of living out your faith is the only right way and everyone else is weak, immature, not faith filled or wrong. I don't know about you, but I'm living the honest learning curve, effort and mistakes of life in balance with God. I'm running the race to be hot or cold with out selling out. I had a get real or move on struggle in the Spring -that I'll post about another time, but this is the ongoing results from that including to find honest community, forgiveness, authenticity and vulnerability in all the mess of every day life. Life, me, you, church, politics, education, work, our country and world peace is a process. I don't have it all together, most people know they don't and I challenge you to accept that no one else does either. There is no perfect 'they". Practice makes progress, but there is no perfection this side of heaven.

Have to edit and add with this song my friend posted today by Mercy Me called Greater.

There'll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn't matter
Cause the cross already won the war
He's Greater
He's Greater

I am learning to run freely
Understanding just how he sees me
And it makes me love him more and more
He's Greater
He's Greater

Emotions

Today my emotions embarrassed me. It's moments when I know others think I've overreacted because of my display of tears. When incidents like this happen I pray to be one of those people who are strong, resilient and take things in stride that don't effect their heart on such a deep level. Am I just a sensitive person for good or bad? Do I want to be be? Can I change that? More importantly, does God want this aspect of my personality to be changed/ refined/ corrected? Brings to mind the scripture in Psalm 139:

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I do that quite a bit though, resist the things I am, wish I was some other way. As much as I know how I am, I try not to stay there. I had lunch with my sweet friend Dawn and she reminded me of something very important. To challenge myself in those areas that are weaknesses to not just stay with: that's who I am and stay there. Sometimes a strength taken too far eclipsing the ability to be a well balanced person ends up being a liability. (I'm task orientated, if I take that too far, people and relationships start taking a back seat and I know God placed me down here for communion with others. Then I whine that I don't feel connected to others and it's really my responsibility) Aptly timed, without knowing yet of what had occurred during my day Billy sent me this (God is amazing in His provisions in every way, it's from the Purpose Drive Life online devotionals):

The Truth About Feelings
by Jon Walker

“… And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ ….” (Philippians 1:9-10 NIV)

Submitted now for your consideration is Pamela, a loving wife, a nurturing mother, a prayerful Christian. This morning her husband, Richard, left a tender note on the bathroom mirror, inviting Pamela to join him for lunch at their favorite restaurant.

Pamela eyes the clock all morning, anticipating meeting her life-long love at 1 p.m. She’s excited and feeling extraordinarily loved by her husband, so she leaves for the restaurant early so she can buy Richard a small gift. She splurges a little, buying two balloons that float from the ribbon around the present.

As she pays for the gift, she notices her cell phone isn’t in her purse – again. No matter, it’s 12:30 and in a few short minutes she’ll be with Richard, giving him her undivided attention. Who needs a cell phone in moments like that?

Pamela arrives at the restaurant first, and she patiently waits for Richard to arrive. What she doesn’t yet know is that there has been in a horrible, tragic traffic accident, and Richard died at about the time she was tying the balloons to his present, excitedly anticipating their romantic rendezvous.

The point to this painful snapshot is that our feelings don’t always reflect the truth. Pamela was soaring high on feelings of love, completely unaware of the awful truth bearing down on her. Her feelings are not yet in line with the truth.

Imagine Pamela as she waits for her husband. When he doesn’t arrive soon, she becomes annoyed. After 20 minutes, she’s irritated and hurt. Her feelings still do not line up with the truth.

By the time 40 minutes have passed, she is worrying. This just isn’t like Richard. Maybe something has happened. She borrows the restaurant's phone and calls Richard’s office. His boss says, “Pamela, we’ve been trying to reach you. There’s been a terrible accident ….” The truth and Pamela’s feelings collide – and become one.

There’s nothing wrong with our feelings; God gave them to us. As one of my friends often says, “Feelings are just feelings.” Sometimes they reflect the truth; often times they don’t. They can serve as an early warning system, such as when fear alerts us to danger, or they can draw your attention to the one God wants you to marry, when you feel an overwhelming sense of love.

But your feelings do not define the truth. Only God defines the truth. You may feel worthless, but the truth is you are uniquely created by God, who loves you deeply. You may feel like you can walk on water, but the truth is you can only do that if Jesus calls you from the boat. You can’t; God can.

The apostle Paul teaches us to discern the truth, not through our feelings, but through knowledge and insight. He writes, “… and this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ ….” (Philippians 1:9-10 NIV)

Eugene Peterson, in The Message paraphrase, translates that passage like this: “… You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush ….” (Philippians 1:9b-10a MSG) Otherwise, you end up in a life “shaped by things and feelings instead of God.” (Colossians 3:5 MSG)

Your feelings are from God; they are a gift, and there is no need to avoid them or be ashamed of them. However, God never meant for our feelings to measure our life and determine how we live it. Your feelings do not define you; they are not designed to interpret the situations you now face. Only God’s truth can define you, and only God’s truth can pass judgment on the circumstances of your life.

The great and best Good News is this: God’s truth is a person – Jesus Christ, our Lord.

So what?

· You are not your emotions – You are defined by God, not your emotions. You may not feel like it, but God says you are wonderfully and fearfully created in his image, accepted in the Beloved. He loves you no matter what you’ve done.

· God uses your feelings – God may use your feelings to reveal a piece of your heart that you need to turn over to him. He may use your feelings to draw you closer to him. Paul speaks of feeling like a wretched man, and that draws him deeper into the grace of God. Your feelings of hopelessness in a situation may be what God uses to show you that you’re hanging your hopes on the wrong thing – because he is the God of a hope that will not disappoint.

· Your obedience is based on the truth, not feelings – The facts may appear daunting, but it is up to God, not you and your feelings, to interpret the facts. God calls us to be obedient to the truth, not to the way we feel. As C.S. Lewis says in Mere Christianity, if you don’t love someone, behave as if you do, and your feelings will catch up.

Caspian

There were several teachable moments in the book Prince Caspian. I was pleased with the way the movie we saw this afternoon portrayed what C.S. Lewis was trying to convey. I wasn't as concerned about the technicalities of the chronological order and exactly following of the text as much as the core themes that made the book so wonderful. If you haven't seen the movie yet, please come back later as I wouldn't want to spoil it for you.

One of the lessons of the movie for Peter was to admit he can not do anything on his own. We were not only built for communion with God but also with other people. We are not meant to be isolated islands with our pride and guard up. Peter also kept looking for signs from Aslan to show him the way. Edmund reminds him, maybe it's us that should be proving ourselves to God, not us expecting proof from Him. I very much relate to this attitude. I want the affirmation God is pleased with my choices and direction through signs from Him. Admittedly becoming quite discouraged when it's been quiet for too long. My timing of course, not His.

To Susan, the admission she didn't want to admit to seeing Aslan (better told in the book), was a beautiful reminder that at times my own selfish heart just doesn't want to take the harder path. I want to be right, I want to feel competent and successful as if to show God I can really handle things. *shaking my head*

For Edmund, it was a a time for him to act upon the lessons he had learned during the Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe. He supported Lucy 's Aslan's sightings, but in the end still went along with the others. He came to Peter's aid more than once even when he by Peter "he'd had it all sorted".

My favorite scene was Lucy sitting in the field just speaking with Aslan. A scene I will never get this side of heaven. She learned the lesson to be strong enough to follow what Aslan had spoken to her even if her siblings didn't believe her. I know what it's like to experience those moments when you know you have traded the approval of God for the approval of man. It feels incredibly weak.



I thoroughly enjoyed the movie and did a bit of searching around for what's coming up next. According to www.narniaweb.com Voyage of the Dawn Treader, book five, is in pre-production set for a 2010 release date.

Heart is Engaged

[Pre-dated 5/26] Here's an attempt at articulating what's been going on in my heart that I wasn’t ready to blog about last week. These thoughts have been spurred by a combination of several events in the last couple of weeks, some this week which finally clarified things, I'm glad for the experiences. I posted what I hoped would help others and here's some of what I'm learning along the way as well. It's a long one :-)

I have hoped from the beginning of keeping a blog that going against my natural tendency to be quiet and keep to myself would somehow bless someone. I paused the first time I found out other people I didn’t know were reading my blog. I stopped to consider and felt the potential benefits far out weighed the risks. Maybe I'm over estimating my effect on people, maybe it's a grandiose ambition, maybe a tad arrogant. I could be overshooting what a blog is supposed to be all about. Should it be all about the happy stuff and I’m violating some social boundary by being too serious? Should it just stay in the acquaintance zone? Whether or not I should share thoughts, be serious or just ponder out loud for the entire internet to see should they so desire, I am. I don’t have a journalism, or English degree that would give this weight or educational credibility. Sometimes my words meander off, the grammar might be incorrect and as much as I try to run spell check, there are probably still errors. I’m not going for perfection. It comes from a heart that wants to help. I know I can not change anyone but myself. Maybe a renewed sense of purpose combined with struggles is how God finally got me to see what I should have been doing all along. Maybe it was never just about my comfort or having an easy life in North Dallas with all the job titles, higher degrees, monetary success, foreign cars, big homes, fancy vacations.

What can I help with? What am I qualified for? I'm a survivor of many things: divorce from many views, abuse of several kinds, multiple losses, physical inconveniences, and most recently infertility. In a society that values "this works for me and that works for you" the most valued characteristic is comfort. So why should my experiences benefit anyone else, because after all you're different, that's not the way you handle things. With one phrase I can justify what I think and feel is right and never have to change whether that really is what God wants or what is best for me. I know which people in my life to ask questions to validate my opinion and who will challenge me. Our tie that binds is vulnerability and shared faith. I would be missing out had I stayed with my public mask on with all the right pleasantries sticking only with my good friend who were like me. The rest of you are not needed, not invited, you will get no closer to me as I'm fine and this works for me. I may get encouragement from you from afar but am I with holding giving encouragement or not even thinking I could be encouraging by shutting you out. I've learned so much from you and am I vain hoping I affect you in some small way? Isn't that what we all want in the end, to mean something to people?

When I'm hurting yes, I want to talk to someone face to face privately with trust and love and compassion. So what do I do with the hurt, disappointment, frustrations, and missed opportunities, wrong swords said, benefits of the doubt not given; the every day stupid things that happen in my life after the emotions have passed? Shouldn’t they count for something for someone else in the end??? I certainly don't feel any compulsion to make every mistake out there and hope that someone else's mistakes can help me to avoid an additional hurt. When the valleys hit, yes for a bit we are all takers. On the mountain tops it’s easy for human kind to give. But when the people who have every right to feel sorry for themselves don't, it physically brings a reaction to my chest and my eyes sting with tears. So with the experience of the human life we need people. We all want love, respect, value, identity, purpose. We want to understand, because we all hurt.

Satan wants us to be isolated; our strength is when we are vulnerable. I’m not looking towards Hollywood. What about someone having a vocal, acting or dancing talent makes Americans believe they have the answers? Living on the surface just sharing only happy times, successes, gossip, planning as if I have control, with people I see multiple times a week, it’s all so superficial. That level of social interaction is what the term acquaintances was reserved for. Do I really want to spend my valuable finite time on earth sharing knowledge at arm's length or my heart? I can read my own bible for knowledge. Sunday worship isn’t really even about me as I’m not the audience. I don't need regurgitation week after week from a soul numbing distance. I need a fellow Christian sister to find me trust worthy and risk their heart for me. A friendship can only grow with equal amounts of disclosure from people, growing trust and vulnerability. We connect as people when we show your humanness. At some point you take the risk, hopefully sooner rather than later. There are no guarantees; my heart might not be accepted.

I don't know all the answers, I just have to stop being fake. Stop buying in to my own ability for perfection as well as everyone else around me. It's still a work in progress, probably always will be. I'm still very aware of potential rejection. It happened this week. Even in the face of that worst fear God will protect me, not me closing down, so I keep doing it anyway. So, yes, it's worth reaching out because the other choice is not living, it’s barely surviving. Regardless of the height of walls I might encounter. The other hearts willing to meet in the game far out weigh those who are guarded by her Highness' Finest and they shall not be moved. Most of my life I have had very few close friends and was quite content with my introverted state. I still am who God created, not who I've created in my own mind about myself. God loves us exactly where we are, and He loves us too much to let us stay there. You don't have to clean yourself up before you go to church, don't worry, God will do it in His time and it will stick. My church isn't just for my comfort sitting in the pew or even just about my personal relationship with God although that's the foundation for being there. There is hurt in here, we are as Prentice Meador says my old minister, a hospital. That hurting person is sitting next to me in the pew that needs me to look beyond my own difficulties in life and step out. Maybe it's as simple as just inviting, building trust over a couple months, not years…maybe we all need to remember Christians hurt too. We are real with hurts, struggles, faults. My interpretation of the prayer of Jabez, by putting my own oxygen mask on first I can then hopefully help others place theirs on. We can all risk, stretch, allow people in on a real level because they are just like us.

Ladies Retreat 2008 Part II

Session 3
Isaiah 43:10, Romans 12:2, John 16:13-14, 2 Timothy 1:14, Jeremiah 33:3, 2 Timothy 1:6Deuteronomy 34, Joshua 2 & 6, John 4 What keeps us from experiencing the full power of the Holy Spirit? Tradition, trust, lack of obedience, fear of the unknown, giving up control, pride, family, rejection. So we were challenged to ask ourselves some questions:
What's holding me back?
What am I going to do about it?

Galations 5:16-26 Be willing to follow through and be consistent, trusting, courageous, time in the Word.

6 women then volunteered from our church at that point to get up in front of the rest of us to share specific incidences in the way the Holy Spirit had spoken to their hearts. Had I been more courageous, I would have shared when Billy and I in our small faith asked God to let us knew He heard us. The next morning in service during prayer time, Teresa Shaw approached us and said God told me to come tell you he hears you. We don't believe in coincidences. We believe in the Holy Spirit. We asked and God answered. We were very humbled by the experience.

Saturday afternoon during our free time, I had an unexpected talk with a cherished friend who I've known for 5 years and I'm so blessed that God has drawn us to the same church. I treasure her friendship and know that God is in that relationship. She really helped me get my head and heart around the image and authenticity that's been on my heart. Saturday evening, I had the opportunity to share with some other girls about what we have been going through. The conversation went in that direction as they began to share what year plan they were on. 2, 5 or 10 years until they planned to have children. I paused when asked what our plan was and spoke slowly praying that God had placed this conversation at this time and place for me to say that it's God's plans. We can lay out the most well meaning intentions, but the control and trust is with God.

Sunday morning:

Shirley Marble spoke and talked about bowing to an untamed God.

Galations 1:13-17, Jonah: all, Isaiah 63:11, Exodus 13:21-22
Jonah was by far the most convicting scripture reading for me to hear. He believed that Nineveh was not good enough for God to save. God replied as he does with authority just like with Job when all was taken away, also to the Pharisees and Sadducee's. Who am I to judge or question? Did I create them? Are they my children? Have I known them before they were in their mother's wombs? I think it's infinitely interesting that He was much more harsh with those who knew His word and yet had a hard heart then with those who just stumbled searching for Him. I hate thinking I only knows the words and not His heart. Hosea 6:6
She challenged us if something was laid on our hearts to act on it, reach out to who ever the Holy Spirit is drawing you towards. The more you say no, the quieter the voice gets and the easier it gets to tune His voice out.
Luke 13:23-24, John 14:25-27, Mark 6
She left us with the challenge to leave in joyful urgency.

I know I'm missing something, but I'm pretty tired and need to rest so I can get things done tomorrow. I need to get the portfolio finished for the adoption agency so that birth mothers can look through for potential matches. The sheer weight of this project has my procrastinating perfectionism stepping up at a time it needs to shush.

Ladies Retreat 2008

I got home this afternoon our Ladies Retreat. I personally really enjoy times of pulling back, relaxing and rejuvenating. I know after those times my heart is more open, more full of God's grace and peace and my love for others looks more like God's for a time. Our theme was "Bloom with Abandon" a discussion of our walk with the Holy Spirit. Vivian Vance walked us through both the Old and New Testament in regard to the Holy Spirit and how He works in our lives. She took all the mystical wierd assumptions we might have had and answered with God's word and heart. Some of this I'll try to tie in later. Nuggets (or in this case whole chickens full) of truth I walked away with are:

Session 1
The Holy Spirit is about living with the most powerful life source in every cell of my body. Whether or not I look you in the eye, I have a relationship with people. First of all How do I know for sure it's God's voice? The kindergarten answer? It's biblical truth and it's positive. How do I know it's NOT the Holy Spirit's leadings? It's negative, angry or has hatred in the message.
The scripture references are:
Genesis 1:1-2, Exodus 31:3, Numbers 11:17, Deuteronomy 34:9, Judges 16:13, Ezekial 36:24-27, Isaiah 59:20-21
In these Old Testament verses God spoke first through the Spirit then when Christ came through Him who had the Holy Spirit.

Session 2
At this point she asked us to have our own quiet time and reflect on how the Holy Spirit was involved in our:
birth
baptism
temptation
ministry.

Matthew 1:18, Luke 4:1, Isaiah 61:1, Luke 4:14

We then went in to small groups to discuss these themes. My group consisted of me and one other woman (couple of other women hadn't made it). I admit I glazed over my answers at first, not knowing this woman. I was not sure how to broach this topic that for the majority of my life hasn't been clearly understood. I had no logical reason to trust her with my life, my flaws, my mistakes, or my struggles. There is no past history, no building of trust. I was justified right?? (tongue placed firmly in cheek) I start talking out of nervousness. I shared some very general stories, you know the safe church stories that show I have faith and make me look good. When I ask how this dear woman answered, tears came to her eyes and in that instant I felt like a fraud. I knew I had shrunk God to a safe answer and was so worried about my image that I forgot I'm in a safe place. If I can't be real with my church family, where? (it's a theme that's been on my heart for some time now, true authenticity) I felt tears sting my eyes and I was convicted to listen as I was captivated by her heart before she opened her mouth. She spoke from her soul and I was encouraged to do the same. Neither of us was embarrassed by our hearts, by the pains we shared or the mistakes we admitted. I felt safe, loved and encouraged by a woman I had never met before who showed her vulnerability by the tears shining in her eyes and I wished I had been the courageous one first. This was church, this was Jesus with skin on.

This is my own journal from the weekend... read at your own risk. You can end here or just skip down to the song lyrics but I'm feeling empowered:
Image cracks me up. I spend all this time sizing up other people to determine how much "me" they can really handle. I try to imagine a church full of me's. Cautious, logical, safe. No one saying anything out of place, making the right answers, with the correct general statements. Where does that go? If my life hadn't hit any major road blocks I could have probably existed in my pseudo safe place for who knows how long. Slowly dwindling, growing less dynamic, challenging, or alive. Wear the right clothes, have the right hobby's, go to the right restaurants...doing the drill. Then BAM! MY plan isn't working? What? I did it right, I met and married a wonderful Christian man. We had a plan, didn't God hear our plan? It was well thought out, logical, safe and moral. Okay, don't freak out, no cracks remember, don't let them see you sweat? That doesn't show faith. You'd hate to be called insecure or anxious, that means something about your faith too doesn't it? *Breathe* Okay, no big deal, just suck it up and tough it, God will come round right? Because I'm obedient and I'm a good christian. For how long, do I just grit my teeth? This isn't a superficial wound that will pass in a week, not to minimize other hurts. The worst thing that happened to you is still the worst thing that ever happened to you. It's not a contest of who has been through the worst or most. My flesh is week, my heart is hurting, crying and two years is a long time living in pain. So, then the mask and the image and plans all shift. The questions raise up... No, don't ask those, God will just take care of you.. (pat on the hand, now cross your hands, smile and don't be too noisy). Where's my church? Where's my help? What will they think? Where is just a hug? When God is prying my fingers open slowly from my clenched hand holding my dream one finger at a time. I don't need someone else adding to the list of do's and don'ts added already to the voice of doubt inside of my own head. I need comfort, I need prayers. I'd never make it as a Jew or a gentile. I'm not going to pretend that I can live up to the hundreds of laws they are required and have no grace. Sheer will power and self control are going to earn me my way to heaven? Who am I kidding? Fear and threat of condemnation will never motivate me to raise to a higher standard of dying to myself and living from someone else. I can't answer the call of the Holy Spirit in my life as the voice of condemnation is drowning Him out. If I'm going to err on one side, either too many laws or wild grace then grace wins, God says so. Or there's the gentile path. No thank you, tried that. I'm too aware of my flaws to pretend I'm not in desperate need of a way to heaven outside of myself through Jesus. If I'm wrong about everything else, I've got my salvation and nothing takes that away (cringe away satan, that's right) I'm done allowing satan to keep me boxed in scared, safe, logical, smart, worldly. All this wild God talk, someone is going to think I'm one of those bible thumping holy rollers.:-O Good.

I'll blog later about Saturday nights session, lights out after dark discussion and as well as Sunday morning's lesson. Also, note to self, never really did justice to the Retreat I went to in February because of the death in our family. So I need to give that equal time. For now, this song playing in my mind all afternoon:

Holy Spirit, Dwell In Me

Holy Spirit dwell in me
Touch my eyes that I might see
All your goodness grace and pow'r
Stay beside me ev'ry hour
Be my drink, be my living bread
Keep me sheltered, keep me fed
Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit dwell in me

Holy Spirit comfort me
Let my heart be one with Thee
When I'm worried soothe my mind
Let me sweet contentment find
May I run this wicked race
Filled by your amazing grace
Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit comfort me

Holy Spirit rescue me
Set my soul completely free
Beside Jordan make my bed
In God's bosom lay my head
Let me live in a brand new place
See my blessed Savior's face
Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit rescue me

Happenings

Friday I finished Rachel's quilt, here's the back that I hadn't shown yet. I gave it to her Sunday after church and Rachel sat and named off all the characters on the front, it was really sweet :-) (If you click on the picture, you can see a larger version and more detail)


Saturday my niece Ashley and I went on a college campus tour as she is finishing up her junior year and it's time to think about colleges. It was a very fun morning spent with a young lady who is quickly becoming a beautiful woman. I can't believe I'm old enough to have a niece who will be in college in a year.


I then met up with Billy, Mike, Teresa and the kids for Kyle's flag football game. He's 6 years old and it's super cute watching him figuring out everything as this was his 3rd game ever to play.


Then off to see our actual floor plan in person to feel what the space would be like. We were not disappointed :-) Their model home/ office for this particular neighborhood is a different option of exterior than we chose, so our house won't look exactly like this. My favorite things about this floor plan are that all four bedrooms are upstairs as well as the laundry room. We'll convert the study to a play room downstairs when we have children.


So after getting up at 5ish, we got home from the last activity about 4 pm and I immediately fell asleep for 3 hours... wwhhheee

Our Sunday night small group started a new series based on a book called "Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti". It's a series I haven't' been exposed to before so I'm looking forward to it.

Speaking of small groups, this last Wednesday was my favorite one in the book we have been studying "Praying the Names of God". The name that we looked at this last week was Yahweh Tsuri or the Lord, my Rock.

Reflect on: 2 Samuel 22:2-4 and 1 Samuel 24:1-13
Praise God: For being Your Rock
Offer Thanks: For the way God has delivered you from enemies
Confess: Any times in which you have retaliated against others
Ask God: To give you the humility not to strike back when someone offends you

It was such a powerful reminder that God is our defender in all things, to all let His love and forgiveness dictate our reactions when we feel offended. I am able to look back in my life with enemies of a much bigger "E" and only through the grace and power of God has he led me to forgive and have peace in my heart when that's the last thing I wanted to do. In the end, God takes care of all things. I'm glad life isn't fair or I wouldn't be able to go to heaven. I don't really want justice when it comes to my own mistakes, I want mercy from my heavenly father through His son and I'm called to carry that out to others.


Ladies Retreat this weekend, I so enjoy them :-)))

Christian

BEAUTIFUL CHRISTIAN SISTER

By Maya Angelou


'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean livin''
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess..

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain..
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!


Pretty is as Pretty does... But beautiful is just plain beautiful!

Thoughts

I've been too busy lately to really sit down and sort out my self in my head. Sometimes it takes physical proof to show me I'm stressed. Today I was exhausted due to not being able to go to sleep til 4 this morning and when I did awake, it was with a headache it took 6 hours to get rid of.

With my inability to sleep last night, I ran across a dozen adoption blogs and resources. I found books to read to children at any level to help them process and accept how they came to be a part of our family. Billy had a good point, his concern as the head of our family is to provide and this move will do that. We will have more than enough room to grow a family. I sit and think about how we'll help her handle her adoption. How can I help her bypass the female insecurity roller coaster of body image or male dependency? Purity and integrity? How do I encourage a powerful prayer life for our child with an understanding of God's will that involves an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ as their Savior? I've always thought about the scripture in Luke 2:52- "And as Jesus grew up, he increased in wisdom and in favor with God and people." Wisdom, both spiritual and educational. In favor, that he lead his life in a way that he was loved and respected with both God and men. I see ahead a wonderful and incredible task of rearing a child who will be dependent on me to be their example. It's a weight that I recognize and pray about and know I can point to them the only perfect example they will ever have in Jesus Christ.
Here are the top books I'm interested in. What I Couldn't find on the net but have heard about is a tummy mommy book, anyone heard of it?




I actually unknowingly bought this one, seeing the scripture in the inside fold at the store, and got a great surprise upon reading it, that it was a kangaroo's search for a child and how she came to care for a little bird as her own:




I want to be positive in the changes of our home, in adding to our family and in Billy thinking about other job opportunities. I believe it's the more positive approach to make the best out of the situation, see the good coming out of it. At the same time, change no matter how possibly good, takes an adjustment. Our prayers are to glorify God regardless of the results, to understand we are a small part of God's intricate plan. I pray to not take control from God, to not be anxious and to trust. Just because something may bless us, doesn't necessarily mean it is or isn't God's will in a bigger picture sense. I was having a conversation this evening after small group with my friend Katy and it reminded me church isn't about what I get out of it or even what I think about it. It's not this analytical deconstruction and critique of a pastor's delivery. I tend to approach life like that in general, in an objective detached point of view at times. I hesitate, I weigh a situation and then determine my course of action.

My perspective check is.. am I glorifying God? Is my relationship with God alive and am I seeking Him? Do I listen to Him through His word and prayer? Am I at the same spiritual maturity I was at even last year? Is the church I'm attending serving God in His way that God spells out in the bible? Am I keeping the salvation issue THE salvation issue or am I adding on to it in my head? Am I using the gifts from God back to His people? Am I compassionate with people? Do I live out a life that reflects who I belong to? Am I risking? Making myself vulnerable? How much time has to pass before I take the chance to just reach out? Is "building trust with time" a fancy way of convincing myself it's okay to play it safe and never risk possible rejection? How many times do I only share prayers for other people and not really share of myself? Not really letting people know what's going on except for a safe place behind a computer where I don't have to see your eyes...

Paperwork

Due to miss Rachel being taken care of, I have this coming week off. Billy and I each have to round up one more thing each and we can send off the adoption paperwork while I'm off. We sat down and answered some pretty conversation provoking questions:

1. How do we plan to teach our children spiritual values and Biblical knowledge?
2. What are our hopes, dreams, goals and general aspirations for our children?
3. How do we plan to discipline our children?

It asked about our experience with children, as well as what qualities, behaviors or characteristics do we like/ disk like in children? And how do we think these characteristics come about? Of course the all important why do we wish to adopt? When was this decision made and why now? What activities we are a part of, our extended family information including their occupations and churches attended, our health and employment background.

I am going to take pictures of each room in our home as well as us. Our sweet friend Liesl has sweetly offered to help us with basically getting a blue print of our house to send the agency. Billy is getting our last couple years tax forms together. We're at the end of the tunnel on this. We both have to go down to the police station and have our criminal background checks done and that's it. We've already done the abuse checks as well as getting information notarized.

Does it sound as involved when I type it? I'm just glad we made it through it. Little scary, I gotta say. To think in the next year we could have a baby in our home brings tears to my eyes and I'd fill out a billion more forms to get there.

We also had a realtor come take a look out our house to see what they thought. I'm a bit picture happy so those will have to come down if we want to put it on the market and we were going to replace the kitchen sink anyway.

Day 5-Church & Family

Sunday morning the family went to La Mesa Church of Christ. We heard a wonderful sermon about being part of a church family by their youth minister Graham who alot of you know and love from Richland Hills C of C. This is Graham's super sweet wife Brianna and beautiful son who greeted us and made us feel welcome far from home :-) The gorgeous little girls were too quick for my camera. It really is such an encouragement and safe haven to go to any church and know there are other people out there trying to do the very hard task of following Jesus in a world that does not honor Him. Graham Clifford spoke about the "Failure to Thrive" Syndrome in conjunction with life after Acts 2:38. The Failure to Thrive theory is based on a study done a couple of times over history in that babies will physically die when not given physical touch and a human voice to talk to them. The same theory applies to our spiritual lives. Our spiritual side will die if not feed properly. Yes, all Christians are flawed and especially for this reason we need each other and most of all Christ to remind us of the bigger picture. The effective Christian life is not meant to be lived alone. See Acts 2:41-47 and John 13:34

I heard this analogy from Max Lucado once. Say you're a football fan.... I bet you like to go to stadiums, watch the games, hang out with other fans, get stats and absorb the game environment. You might not like every play and you may disagree with the refs at times, but you're still a fan. So by looking from the outside anyone could tell you are big fan of football. I'd never learn more about the game and understand the joys it can bring if I don't keep attending.

Excuse me while I veer off for a moment....I have seen this play out in my own life in my early 20's. I tried to be a good influence to someone who it turned out brought me down I think far more than I was able to encourage them closer to God. Why wasn't my light more effective? I ended up being cut off from the church. My best friends that I spend my daily time around are strong Christians, not because I believe I am any better than a non-believer, but because I need the encouragement. I have friends and family who aren't believers and I love them and do not look down on them. Of course I used the excuse I didn't need to be in a specific building to pray or learn about God back then and you don't. (I believe it's residue from the 70's hippy movement of nothing organized. EVERYTHING is organized, school, your work place, your bank.) But was I REALLY praying and learning and growing closer in my walk with God? Of course I wasn't. I was only fooling myself. Whether it's because I didn't feel worthy, didn't think I'd relate to what I thought were all the "good" people or that I'd done stuff too bad for God to forgive or were scared of change, I wish someone would have told me I was believing a very effective lie from satan that he was winning in my mind to keep me away from truly having a relationship with God. Because God isn't about trying to catch me breaking the rules or making me toe the line or scaring me to obey or he'll send me to hell. He's about love, forgiveness and acceptance and sending His son to die on the cross for you and me.

We spent most of the rest of the day relaxing after all the walking of the previous days. It was nice to enjoy a slower pace for one day. Absorbed in the beautiful scenery from the back door: while watching the Oscars on the tv: I think their view over the kitchen sink might inspire me to do dishes more often: Uncle Bruce and Aunt Saundra did quite a bit of remodeling after they bought their house, they have great taste. We played a card game called Schukens at this table a couple of times while we were there.


Here's a video clip from my camera of the backyard view. I'm sure this is the reason why home prices are 4 times as much as they are in Texas. (Update) It worked when I first downloaded..... hhmm I'll work on it

Three Years Together

Hi everyone. Billy, here. Today is our 3rd anniversary and Lori has always honored me in her blogs telling everyone about how great I am. This is because she is the most encouraging person I know. If she didn’t have this quality, she’d probably be including many of the times I tend to drive her batty with my idiosyncrasies.

But to get to the point, Lori really touched me when she listed 33 great things about me on my 33rd birthday. I wanted to give back in some way, so here are my thoughts and feelings about being married to the most beautiful, kind, and fun-to-be-with woman for three years. I ain’t no poet, so please read with an open mind :)

Billy


Three Years Together

It feels like I have known you forever.
But here we are, just three years together.
Three years out of decades I look forward to.
Many years I get to fall more in love with you.

If these three years are a view of the rest,
I know each year to follow will be the best.
As long as we continue to submit to each other,
God will bless us each year, one after another.

We have so many memories in three good years.
People, places, and things we both hold dear.
Skiing in Idaho, Ukraine missions, or oceans so blue,
Yet none compare to a quiet night at home with you.

In three years we have seen our plans can fail.
The paths we walked had more than one trail.
We learned to lean on each other and Christ most of all
And to trust in God’s plan because we plan too small.

I have laughed and smiled more in my three years with you.
Finally, I see how a wife who’s my best friend makes love true.
I have cried and shared pain on days not so great,
Those deep moments together that we later appreciate.

No matter what we face in the next 50+ years,
Know that I am devoted and will always be here.
You are my beautiful bride and dearest friend.
Walk with me to God’s future, your palm in my hand.

From one left behind

I'm sitting here thinking about the 9 people Billy and I have lost in the last 4 years. As young as 10 and as old as 87. Lupus, leukemia, cancer, cystic fibrosis, asbestosis. We've had quite a few conversation about salvation around here. I jostle between feeling as though nothing will touch me like I'm numb and then I question my strength as I hurt over realizing how different the landscape of my family is now. It's of course not that I am strong or have to be, because God can really only be seen once I give up any sense of control or power. Otherwise it's me trying to call the shots out of desperation or fear. Semi-related we were saying if for some reason we did get pregnant, we'd tell as soon as possible. I know some women wait until that risky first trimester is over. I'd have to say if something bad did happen, we'd want, no make that need, the people who loves us support and encouragement. We'd want people to know he/ she existed and that meant something to us.

We were blessed for alot of years, more so than we knew. Reminds me of a song by Super Chick, called we Live. It's about loving and forgiving because we never know when our time will come. We still are blessed, we are reminded God hears us. Another issue Billy and I talked about was organ donating which I would want to do. My soul would be with Jesus, don't need the body anymore.

Value & Security

Our Sunday morning class currently being taught by one of our ministers has spurred quite a bit of conversation between Billy and I in the last few weeks. Galon gave a diagram similar to what I'm going to attempt below:

God provides
Value
Security


World Substitutes
Power/ control
Comfort/ Pleasure

World Digresses
Sensuality/ Sex
Anger/ Violence


The first category representing light and life based on Romans 1, the last manifesting in addiction representing death and darkness in the world. This series entitled "Kingdom Living" challenging us to respond to every day situations from the heart of and eyes of God instead of a fallen world perspective. In our lives we can seek to fill these needs through a job, family, education, church attendance, approval, etc, etc... The list of fallen world band aids and crutches is as diverse as each person. Galon challenged us that most Christians live in the middle column.

It's been a journey to view what crutch do I use, what do I put in the place of God to provide these base needs? When these needs aren't met how do I respond? He points out that anger is not a root emotion and that fear and hurt of losing these basic needs are at the root. For example withdrawing, pushing people away, judging them and their choices is all an attempt to gain control. I know in the last couple of years I have put growing a family in that space in a way that has definitely had me reacting out of the hurt and hole in my life that has created. Here are some quotes from Galon: It is pushing God out of the way when I turn to something else except Him for comfort. God will clean that up if I let Him. By letting go I can live more abundantly without stress and anxiety. God puts no requirements on my relationship, I don't have to be (for me: charming, quick witted or graceful). His love is not performance based and He loves me even when I don't perform well. If I allow God to fill my needs then His love can better flow through me.

He also explained that when those two basic needs are not met, anxiety will increase. So when I am anxiety filled, what am I not filling met? What am I allowing to fill those needs that isn't Christ? He's the only being in my life that will always be there. Jobs end, family members die, education becomes outdated and obsolete, churches dissolve or split. He gave examples of our reactions to family events and what would reflect a kingdom response or a fallen world response starting with our thoughts going to our feeling and ending in our behavior. Young Johnny lives in a sports family house but decides to be a cheerleader... how do you respond? Mom overslept and forgot to pick up Tommy from track practice, what happens next? In the mom example... a feeling comes up of guilt from the mom, the thought process follows that she's a bad mom. She starts defending herself because she allowed this unintentional mistake threaten her value as a mother. If the mother knows she's a good mother, she apologizes.

These ideas have spoken volumes to me as I know I can put my value and security in earthly comforts and promises. Everyone except God will disappoint at some time because we live in a fallen world. My anxiety can and does rise and I start feeling as though I need to defend myself to the world. I pray for the awareness the next time my anxiety rises to take that to the Lord and let Him show me how much value I have to Him and how much security only He can offer me.

Joy

What sweet encouragement :-)

Admission into Joy©
PSALM 30:11
You took away my clothes of sadness, and clothed me in happiness.

The first step to joy is a plea for help, an acknowledgment of moral destitution, an admission of inward paucity. Those who taste God's presence have declared spiritual bankruptcy and are aware of their spiritual crisis. Their cupboards are bare. Their pockets are empty. Their options are gone. They have long since stopped demanding justice; they are pleading for mercy....
They ask God to do for them what they can't do without him. They have seen how holy God is and how sinful they are and have agreed with Jesus' statement, "Salvation is impossible."
Oh, the irony of God's delight-born in the parched soil of destitution rather than the fertile ground of achievement.
It's a different path, a path we're not accustomed to taking. We don't often declare our impotence. Admission of failure is not usually admission into joy. Complete confession is not commonly followed by total pardon. But then again, God has never been governed by what is common.

Praise

I feel very strengthened after this weekend. Incredible that God knew two months ago when I registered for this retreat that I would need that extended time to spend with Him. Today was a big doctor's appt. Everything is in God's hands. I know many of you are praying so I ask specifically that we face this part of the journey in a way that honors God. Scripture we read and prayed over last night (thank you Courtney) and this morning from 2 Chronicles 20:

LORD, the God of our ancestors, are you not the God who is in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. Power and might are in your hand, and no one can withstand you. If calamity comes upon us, whether the sword of judgment, or plague or famine, we will stand in your presence before this temple that bears your Name and will cry out to you in our distress, and you will hear us and save us. For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you. This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. Tomorrow march down against them. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you. Listen to me, Judah and people of Jerusalem! Have faith in the LORD your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful. And the kingdom of Jehoshaphat was at peace, for his God had given him rest on every side. "

However this turns out, we do praise God. We praise God for the support, prayers, and Godly friends He has blessed us with at all times and how much closer you all have drawn around us and taken us to God in prayer for the journey we are on. We are blessed by the grace, forgiveness and intimate friendship God offers us daily.

Glorious

I went with three sweet sisters out to Brookhaven Camp in Hawkins for a women's retreat entitled Glorious based on the book Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge.. It's the female companion book to Wild at Heart. The entire weekend was centered on the heart of a woman. As women we reflect a very specific side of God. Femininity is about our tenderness, our ability to offer from our hearts what ever talent the Lord has given us. Our beauty isn't in how we dress or do our make up, our weight or our physical body parts. It's taping in the courage God supplies when we truly are aware of our worth and who we are and can then offer our beauty to a hurting world. We are cautioned to give incrementally and to have discernment with how much and to whom we give. In order to access that beauty and to be able to give, we have to deal with our wounds and to be healed. The entire weekend was indeed a glorious experience. Here are the three precious souls I was able to drive there and room with for the weekend. I appreciate so much them sharing their hearts with me as well as allowing and respecting me to share with them and treating that with such care:



The experience spoke to me personally with my heart and how I'm dealing with my dreams not being able to come true as I have envisioned since I was a little girl about motherhood. I have increasingly over the last year and a half started closing off my heart. So the disappointment isn't as overwhelming, but God gets smaller too as I have shut him out of my dreams. I've stopped looking forward and in ways that can be good to be in the present, but I've taken power and control over my heart from God. I took in several wonderful pearls of wisdom, one of them being that God may say no to my plans of wanting to carry a child, but He never says no to my heart. I must trust him with my dreams, desires and future. He is in control of all of them. He does have a plan and a future,there is always hope.

The weekend was an excellent time of reflection and quiet time with God. It got me to realizing some old wounds I hadn't dealt with. Lies that the enemy has tricked me in to believing about myself, what I have to offer and my worth. Also, able to renounce promises I'd made to myself in the midst of both of these. Through my own interpretation of events as a child I convinced myself at an early age that no one liked the real me. So I remember telling myself that I had to keep hidden. The older I got, the less attention I was comfortable with. It's another reason why this venue is so important. I have something to offer, people do care, want to see my happy and not everyone wants to hurt me (another lie I believed). It's incredible the magnitude the lie becomes. Only when the lie becomes so ridiculous, outrageous and paralyzing do I realize what I've bought in to. It was a very powerful reminder to take all of my fundamental questions/ doubts/ fears about myself to God. Only my maker can truly and accurately answer why I'm here. The world doesn't get the power to tell me who I am.

East Texas by the way is absolutely stunning in the fall:

New Discoveries

Ways to declutter, organize and clean my house through Flylady (Neat suggestion, thanks Christine)

Ways to organize my prayers and touch on all of them at regular intervals through Echoprayer (Thank you for this JT, it really helps :-) )

Also, looking in to how to be a Godly influence to Rachel as well as how to start approaching the adoption paperwork asking how we would raise our Child to have a personal relationship with Christ, I found some great resources .

Provisions

God provides. I need that reminder with my very short memory.(As I mention my memory I forgot I was supposed to make a phone call earlier so I sent an email...) Okay, where was I? Oh yes, God's gracious undeserved provision. Two incidents happened last night that touched both Billy and I. One was we have encountered through our new church another couple where we are at in our journey towards a family. Isn't it amazing how God brings people in to your lives to bless and be blessed by? Here is where I have to fight to slowly work towards those deep conversations I'm more comfortable with and especially someone to relate to on this issue.



Second wonderful provision God provided was a call from my sweet friend, ex room mate, and a plethera of other titles Amy Wilson who God has provided a great fit. Amy wants to work a couple days a week at the hospital, I want to work a couple of days with kids and she just happens to have an adorable 18 month who who I get along with quite well. So viola! I shall be Rachel's one person caretaker/ teacher. Heheh, I got my cirriculum out from college on infant and toddler development. Starts next Tuesday, I'm really looking forward to this.