Just hanging around.....

Pride, Prodigals and Holy Scars

For we all stumble in many ways.

James 3:2

When two parents set out to raise their children, it's easy to begin with the thought, We can do a better job at this than everybody else. Despite our inexperience, we believe that by mixing in ample amounts of prayer, Scripture memory, family devotions, worldview teaching and church attendance, we can almost guarantee our children will turn out the way we want them to. Put the right stuff in, we'll get the right stuff out.

There's a term for this kind of attitude, however: "spiritual pride." I know, because Barbara and I felt the same way when we started out on our parenting journey.

But we learned one thing really quickly about children: If you want a guarantee, buy a new set of tires or a car battery ... because children don't come with any guarantees. Being a parent may be the greatest risk we take in our lifetimes.

Ask those who've had a prodigal child come through their home. Ask us. We'll tell you.

But we can also tell you something else: God is sovereign. He is more than able to turn your children's lives around. As you release your children to make their own decisions, you may worry that their wounds will leave a permanent mark, disfiguring their lives forever. Yes, sin does have consequences. But as my friend Dan Jarrell says, "God delights in taking those wounds and turning them into holy scars that are useful for His purposes."

After all, the perfect Father, God, had a couple of children Himself who didn't fare too well in the Garden. He's had a lot of others along the way who've messed up pretty badly, as well. So don't lose heart. God can heal wounds and turn them into "holy scars" that declare God's grace, mercy and purposes.

Discuss
Think of a prodigal that God has rescued for His purposes. What can you learn from this person's story?

Pray
Pray for the prodigals you know ... that God will restore them in His time. Pray, too, that your children will learn to trust God without having to become a prodigal.

The voices

Matthew let out the cutest pout we have ever seen this evening and we both melted. Those strong parent backbones have to found really soon or he'll have us wrapped around his little finger. I need to channel my parent's voices that echo in me still from childhood. Oh yeah, it's for your own good and you'll thank me some day :-))) It was and I do... now.

It's very humbling to watch Matthew develop, especially with things like neck control that requires some tummy time. I know it's best for his development and he does not keep quiet the fact that it's not his favorite activity. I don't view his upset dispassionately but with the loving resolve to do what's best even if he's not happy for the moment. God wants my development, not just growing old but growing up and maturing. He doesn't want me spoiled rotten anymore than I want that for Matthew. hhmmm

I mentioned in my last post Billy was sick. I've been fighting what he had since Saturday morning. I'm bummed I didn't make it out to Fort Worth for pre-wedding festivities for my brother and his fiance. Here's praying the ankle and head cold are both long gone by Sunday for the wedding. Billy has been working from home so far this week to help with Matthew. Last night in my half asleep- stuffy headed-been sick for three days-feeling run down- in the middle of the night- on way way down stairs to pump-state I misjudged the amount of stairs and fell down the last three. I did not have Matthew with me. My foot has some swelling and it hurts to put weight on it. My sweet husband has been such a wonderful partner, I'm so grateful for his servant heart.

Side note: The struggle to continue to pump is still on and with being sick the supply has significantly dwindled. I'm back to pumping very frequently, drinking tea and milk every chance I get. My family is not surprised by this stubborn streak in me. I'm very selective about my battles and this is one of them. Matthew is on half milk/ half formula right now. The only one stressing over it is me. He's happy just to be held and fed. Apparently the hormone levels don't even out until after I wean. So, if you see me and I'm stressed, sensitive or just start pouring out my silly woes that's why.

Managed to make it to the shower for baby Sutera, soo happy to have such a sweet friend staying at home with her little boy so close to us:



Happy mommy

Matthew with our encouraging friend Robin.
Attempt at a self portrait. I realized there are very few pictures of just me and Matthew. That's the hazard when I'm the one taking all the photos. Artsy or just awkward with one hand?


Leaving the Kerby's to walk home after small group with our sleepy child in tow. Daddy keeping him warm. My heart just melted when I saw him protectively hold him inside his coat. I tell Matthew constantly I gave him a good daddy. I'm tearing up now.

Sitting just ducky, smiling at Daddy

HB2 Billy

Happy Birthday to my best friend, confidante, fellow geek, husband and now co-parent. I'm so glad you were born 35 years ago and I still can't believe I get to be your wife.

Billy took the day off yesterday to spend with us on his birthday:


When I told Billy he had the day off from responsibilities and I would take care of him, he said spending time with and taking care of his son didn't count.

I love these two guys so much

I'm still getting the hang of hosting things and caring for Matthew. We had just a few close friends over for dinner and cards to celebrate. There are so many more friends we would have loved to invite. Thank you to everyone who wished him a great day on FB.Billy was sick most of his birthday week. He recovered in time to celebrate. Now I'm coming down with it this morning.

Relationships

Blogging in the middle of the night brings up those unresolved issues that get pushed to the background due to everyday living.

To quote a beloved former preacher, "With out relationships life would be smooth, uncomplicated and.... lonely. So we should embrace the complications." Our Sunday bible class has been going through difficult people and how to handle these situations in a Godly way. In God fashion, I have before me the last couple of weeks the opportunity to live out what He's teaching me in theory in class. Part of me knows I'm not getting it right and also knows whether I want to or not, God will keep trying to teach me this lesson until I get it.

Trust and benefit of the doubt are precious commodities. I share my views and opinions here and for me to do so in a pseudo public manner I chose a certain level of trust. But this outlet is not a relationship. The aspect that is lacking to me is mutual disclosure. There is a small group of women ( and my husband) I've shared my biggest regrets and most painful moments. That information is only shared after a time of trust building with smaller less significant issues. Sometimes the relationships that ended up meaning the most to me are the ones I fought for the hardest. Even then, sometimes I didn't realize it was worth fighting for until after I'd fought for it. Successful deep relationships require casting aside our pride and asking for/ giving forgiveness over and over. Communication, honesty, humbleness and vulnerability are essential to go work through the tougher side of relationships. Close friendships are not for the lazy. God gives us the example to forgive 77 times. (Anyone ever reach 77and say, that's it? I did my duty.) Does removing the difficult person out of my circles really solve the problem? These statements are all wordlessly prefaced with 'in my opinion/experience', feel free to disagree :-) Being different or disagreeing does not threaten me. I don't think it's a matter of IF you have to forgive someone in a friendship, it's WHEN. We all have different personalities, hurts, struggles, faults, passions, focuses in different stages of life, faith and maturity. No one has the ability to mind read and what hurts one person doesn't phase another.

I'm someone else's difficult person. No matter what each of my good intentions are, not everyone sees eye to eye. To my people pleaser side, this is my worst nightmare, feels like the biggest failure, a rejection. My knee jerk question is, "What did I do that was so bad to cause this person to throw away our friendship?" and "Did my friendship and me mean so little to them that they can blithely walk away believing I'm so bad for them , it's for the best?" I hate the thought of adding to any one's hurt in any way. My closest friends laugh at how often I apologize over things no one else thought anything about. The sadness to me in these situations is to know I've missed something that wounded someone else. I can only pray God shows me what that is so I don't hurt others. Part of me goes down the mindset of ...maybe I can explain, ask for forgiveness, make it better.... They didn't make me feel this wound up, this is my character make up and how my personality deals with these kinds of issues. The more I try to force something, the more it unravels. I can feel the tension, frustration and personal need for validation rise.

Here's my introverted talking.... Small talk is painful for me I know I've mentioned this before. I try so hard in the beginning to relate to someone, nodding, sharing similar stories to show empathy and commonalities and in the end it feels strained, like I was trying forcing a connection. Then I get concerned that someone misinterpreted my desire to connect as monopolizing, interrupting, turning the conversation around... wheee I'm tired from just writing my thought process down about the whole mess. For two people to see something worth making the effort to begin with to be friends is an honor. When someone chooses not to see that anymore, feelings of rejection inevitably follow. I want to display enough maturity to not cry foul and lash out just because things didn't end the way I wanted. I must choose to honor what I initially saw worth while in the person. I then chose to respect their wish and walk away with the good memories and the benefits we did bring to each other's lives. Writing is my comfort zone, not to hide things but a chance to be more transparent at my own pace. To revise, analyze and pray about my words that I wouldn't have time for in person. I pray my need for cathartic release in this avenue is not used in a negative manner.

It was part of my constant struggle while facing infertility. I need to focus on the 90% good and not allow myself to be consumed by the 10% that is negative. Since our enemy is not of the flesh but of the spirit, we can never really remove the source of the attack on each one of us. I believe I can choose to see God in this, act in the most loving way possible to a situation I don't begin to understand. Our Sunday night small group is discussing marriage beginning with the mindset we are in it to give, not get. Talk about protection, boundaries, healthy people etc. sounds to me at times an excuse not to mature myself. God doesn't give up on any of us, so I don't feel like I should give up on anyone God brings in to my life. If I avoid everyone who hurts me, disagrees me or doesn't view or approach life, religion, emotions, politics the same way I do, I wouldn't have anyone left. I believe the greatest opportunity for strength lies in our differences.

I know I have pushed away from others as well. The root of these times was the idea that we are all walking wounded to some extent or another. When facing my most challenging spiritual, emotional attack of the last decade I did retreat. It was temporary and for self protection. Was I selfish? Absolutely. Part of me was hurting so badly I just didn't have it in me to be the bigger person. I never wanted to live in survival mode though. I also have the advantage of hindsight and that being behind me. I think of Lisa and her daily life of chronic pain. I want to get relationally down in the mud so to speak.I know a couple of my decisions during that time hurt others. I can only now learn from those, and try to do better going forward. Realizing I didn't make them feel hurt but as my bonus dad put it, even if you didn't mean to break someones arm, it's still broke. I only have control over my actions. To paraphrase Beth Moore" I've walked this faith walk long enough to recognize emotions and know they are separate from my obedience to God" I should have written it down verbatim this morning, it spoke so loudly to me. I don't want to be the same person next year that I am today. I already learned the lesson in my 20's I can't change/ fix/ help anyone except myself. Even then, it's really God fixing me if I want it to be truly life transforming, heart shaping change. In that context the truth lives that it's not really about me. I don't believe emotions are chosen, I believe we take responsibility to own up to and do something positive with our actions is though. Telling someone not to feel their emotions is the quickest way to invalidate them and widen a gulf.

I pray to lay my life before Christ, lay down my faults and hurts as well as the hurts I have caused others. I truly do want God to search me, to know my anxious thoughts, to see where there is sin and lovingly grow me up. We all have the best intentions. I have faith in the inner goodness where Christ lies in all of us. People have the capacity to cause great hurt and pain. Our desire to make others feel as bad as we do with anger and jealousy is so obvious in the world around us. We also have the capacity to love, share, help, comfort, protect, listen and encourage. I believe what wins in our own lives is what we linger on in our thoughts. I don't advocate stuffing down any negative emotions. Repression will make you sick. I am a proponent of moving past the 'feeling' because rebellion makes you do stupid things. (Another Beth Moore quote)

I'm predating this entry and cutting off the feed in to fb. It's not really about the person or for anyone reading this and I mean them no harm, ill will or negative intentions. Speaking about a specific person or relationship to others flies in the face of what I believe about relationships. In order to respect the wish made for space this can't be handled with the person. It's not the first relationship that has ended before I was ready and sadly I dare say it won't be the last. I don't think she reads this, if I find out otherwise I'll delete the entry all together. I see this latest relational obstacle as an opportunity to give more over to God. It's the only way I'll stop allowing what other's think about about me or how they treat me not dictate how I feel about my own worth. As Max Lucado says through Eli in my favorite children's DVD, You Are Special, "The stickers only stick if you let them. The stickers (labels, names) only stick if they matter to you". Caring what others think about me is something I can never control and yet care too much about. Either way just because you think I'm good or bad shouldn't matter, only what God thinks. He thinks I'm worth sending His son on the cross to die for. He accepts me, loves me and forgives me unconditionally. Some day that core acceptance from Him will trump all of this other. The message will travel from head knowledge to heart changing behavior. I really pray for my own sense of peace, that day arrives quickly.

Our Family

This post is mainly for my benefit to look back on later and remember how I felt.

I've held off on a post about what transition to parenthood has felt like for a couple of reasons. First, I know there are some people this topic is and may always be very hurtful for them. Some who were still reading this blog and I wanted to be respectful of their feelings. The last thing I want to do is add to someone else's hurt in regard to growing a family. I think most of the people who came to this blog to identify with someone struggling with infertility have long since moved on. I never wanted the title of the infertile or struggling, I simply used this blog as an outlet. No one in my circles was talking about it. I don't function well with surface relationships. I can only get through polite niceties for so long, the relationship either deepens or fades out for me. I needed to be real and once I got past the fear of opening up my heart to unknown masses I did meet several women who were then willing to share their own pain. Sometimes people come in to each other's lives for just a season. It does not take away what God did through those special people. I will always have tremendous respect and compassion for anyone going through primary or secondary infertility. I know I had great moments of hurt, misunderstanding, guilt, confusion, anger and isolation on my own part. I do not feel as though we earned Matthew or are any more blessed or gifted in any sense. We are just deeply grateful for our son.

I also wanted to get some perspective and allow the hormones and feelings to calm down and have a bit bigger picture. I feel definitely more like myself now that Matthew is sleeping between 8 and 10 hours through the night now. I know most of my posts are about Matthew now and they will probably continue to be. None of Matthew's grandparents live close enough to see him daily and this is a way for them to feel more part of his life. In order to help that as well, we now all have web cams and happily do video calls via Skype so Matthew can see them and vice versa. As with any new relationship of any kind there is a bit of tunnel vision/ fascination/ obsession if you will in regard to this new little person in our lives. I thank you for humoring the 'obnoxious woman who acts like she's had the first child ever and broadcasts everything he does'.

All that being said, I love being a mommy. Someone asked me what was the best and worst part about being a parent and my reply still is, the answer for both is the same. He needs us. The fact that we fill all of his needs right now is incredibly fulfilling and rewarding. Filling all his needs in what has been 3 hour cycles has been very draining as well. He started smiling in the last few weeks and it melts my heart. He's gained 4 pounds and grown 4 inches in his two months here. Seems like he's been part of our lives forever. I'm praying for God to show me how to raise Matthew in a Godly way. I pray to walk the talk of the lessons I'm hoping Matthew will learn in our home in order to grow in to a Godly man.

One area I can tell God and satan are battling over is what others think of me. In this area of being a mother that I so badly want to be successful at ( what ever that means) I can now see what I felt were innocent comments to mothers before I was one could be hurtful and feel as though I was questioning them. I hesitate to use the phrase "we do what's best for our family" since it has such a ring to the scripture about each did what was right in their own eyes. What a Christian home looks like IS different in each home though. There are different people, personalities, gifts, struggles, etc. I was never able to breastfeed directly with Matthew. I had this on a list of things I would absolutely do once I had a baby. It' just didn't end up being something I can control. I'm passionate about it for Matthew since auto immune diseases run rampant on my side of the family. Breast milk has amazing God given immunities for Matthew. That's not to say he still won't end up with some condition down the road. So, because of latching and biting issues, Matthew is fed my milk through a bottle. He receives what Billy and I believe is best for him. It's double the work to exclusively pump, but I will willing do it for as long as I can keep my supply up. I stay home with Matthew because that's what Billy and I both wanted for our children. I say this without judgment of women who work outside the home for what ever reason. We women can be so unknowing hard on each other with our should's. The truth is, I had to throw out the window most of what I thought were deal breakers (things as silly now as the use of a pacifier or sucking his thumb) that I had coming in because very few of them took in to account Matthew's unique needs/ personality and schedule. I simply didn't factor in variables of a little human being I will never be able to control.

I love Billy in new ways. Watching him with our son is beautiful causing a lump to form in my throat as I race for the camera to capture the precious interactions between the two men in my life. He is an amazing father and I'm so grateful for the love, commitment and leadership he brings to our family.

As for the future of our family, we do hope to give Matthew a sibling one day. Our journey has shown us what little control we have when it comes to His will. Some women I have talked to were able to have more children, for some who struggled it only happened once for them. God also wants our whole hearts, not repressed homogenized perfectionism in fear of someone judging our motives. God knows our hearts, our deepest intentions, our most wanted desires and I hope and pray those reading this still give us the benefit of the doubt that comes with loving a friend or family member.

January 7, 2010

Ray of Sunshine

The outfit was a Christmas present from Nana, it's sooo cute!

Lunch with one of my old bosses, Christine.

Daddy helping him with his kicking skills
I came out of my office from pumping and he had the biggest smile on his face looking up at the fishies.
Tuckered out from all that tummy time:

A trip to the cold sections of the grocery store. Probably a little bit overkill, but it's soo cute, I jumped at the chance for him to wear it before he gets too big.

Those old people that live in my house

The title refers to Billy and I. Most of the family comes to see the baby, but I thought I'd update on a couple things the grown ups have been up to as well. I'll start with this entry about our night out.

Billy and I went out for the first time with out Matthew on Saturday night to celebrate my SIL Teresa's 40th birthday. Her husband Mike planned a wonderful surprise for her complete with 18 coworkers, friends from church and family. It was a special night to be invited to and gave me the encouragement I needed to make that first step away from Matthew for a few hours. We have so many friends who live near by willing to spend some time with our little guy that we are so thankful for. The Jolly's were his first sitters. Sarah and Ben were so understanding of my numerous amounts of instructions, many texts through out the night and tears as I walked out the door.

Mike took Teresa out to a movie and Billy, Matthew and I were going to watch their kids (at least that's what Teresa thought). The movie happened and then all of us showed up at the restaurant before them. Billy went over to their house just long enough for the teenagers to arrive who were really going to babysit. One of Teresa's high school friend's teenagers actually watched the kids that night. Teresa's first words to us were, "Who has my children?" hehe

Here's the look of surprise on Teresa's face as she walked in to the restaurant:
Circulating amongst her guests:

The restaurant in downtown McKinney:
Teresa and Mike:

The cake:

Happy Birthday tomorrow Teresa, I'm blessed by your support and love. I'm so glad I have gained you as a sister:

Smiles and Friends

Here are some pictures of our boy over the last 2 weeks for those out of town relatives that I know check here to see him.

He's smiling so much more now. Here's a smile for daddy
He'll even smile at the monkeys sometimes:
One thrown in for mommy. He humors me often

My friend Jennifer came over with her son Michael and received some great smiles:





The thumb has been discovered and is being preferred over the pacifier more often now

Happy boy:

Our sleeping angel:
Fun family self portrait. Matthew's done with pictures by then...


This morning dressed up for church:

Being loved on by our friends (in order) Michael, Allison, Lisa and Mary

2 months

Matthew is a regular smiler now which we are eating up every chance we get. He even smiles at the animal murals on his wall. He sleeps like a champ giving his mom and dad a 5 -6 hour stretch between feedings at night. He enjoys playing on his mat kicking the ball with his feet. He's doing well on his tummy time, but more often than not doesn't really enjoy all that hard work right now. Feeding has been our challenge, mommy pumps keeping up sometimes better than others with his growing appetite. Some mother's milk tea is helping quite a bit right now. We've gone through biting, not latching on, blocked ducts, thrush and acid reflux. He got his first round of shots today as well, cried for about 30 seconds and then went to sleep. We finally made class on Sunday morning yesterday, makes me feel less in survival mode that our family is getting the hang of being three. All the cold lately has had him a bit congested. The snorting definitely goes up a few notches. He has a form of cradle cap across his eyebrows. He always get compliments on all that hair of his. Bits have rubbed off in the normal process of laying on his back so, he has cute little bald spots.

Our little guy has his well baby visit this morning. Here are his stats:

Weight - 11 lbs 5 oz.- 45th percentile
Length- 23 3/4"- 75th percentile
Head circumference- 16" -70th percentile

Here is nurse Indee giving him his oral vaccination. Then he had two needle pokes.

Matthew with his moda monkey friend
He received a baby monkey for Christmas from Aunt Shawna

In honor of 2 months :-)

His eyes started out navy blue and they are lightening up to a very handsome light blue