The Dance

So, I talked last time about that emptiness that I feel from time to time. That emptiness has appeared cyclically at some points, specific to a phase or a single heartbreaking event in my life. Those feelings are pretty universal covering varying degrees of maturity, relationship or child status, growing in age or my philosophical belief at the time.  The other timeless reoccurring event involves come back to the foot of the cross. Again and again......

I believe what I chose to fill myself up with in the times of hurt and emptiness makes a huge difference in how long I stay that way. I've definitely chosen superficial, selfish and vain sources of coping in the past. Fishing for compliments, blaming others, judging, trying to manage other people's feelings, outguess their motives, people pleasing, shopping trips, gossiping, venting or creating distance in order to distract myself and preserve my overall unhappy state of feeling both hurt and right at the same time. Some changes are harder than others. With my personality; financial, event or accomplishment changes don't impact me very much. I'm not a driven accomplishment detailed oriented type A, I'm the type B. Generally, I'm more laid back.. well until I became a mother anyway ;-) . I'm not a doer although I am busy most of the day with 3 young sons. I'm more of an introverted thinker and researcher really with quality time love needs. I think only as late becoming the only female in a household of 4 males have female group settings really become an outlet for me. When faced with a life challenge, I'll find a book for tools to help first. Results from many settings of tests reflect that my spiritual gift  is mercy, my personality is an INFJ and I'm an academic in group settings. Social and family changes can send me in to a tail spin of anxiety, insecurity and doubt. Call it abandonment issues, a complex, narcissism, what ever floats your boat. I'm not afraid of the labels, because they don't define me nor give me my worth or value.  I can't give it to God and realize the root until I'm blatantly honest with myself about why I'm feeling a certain way. The process to dig that deep can be exhausting to delve through all the muck to find the core issue and sort through why I'm really feeling a certain way about someone or some action and manage my self and give that to God. The paralysis of analysis is a common event in my life as well as walking away from most social situations wondering what I could have done differently to make someone else feel more loved, accepted, etc. In weak times, rather than focusing on that person and their life as a whole, I internalize and pinpoint something I could have done better. On a great day, God opens my eyes and it has lead me to prayer for more than one person. My spidey sense is pretty fine tuned but unfortunately is housed in an inherently flawed vessel.

As a believer in someone, something and somewhere bigger than myself, I know the answer is to trust Jesus more in these areas especially where too much of a good thing about my personality becomes a bad thing. I notice a desire though not to want to reach out to Him too. Instead, I feel the pull to talk to a friend instead, to dive in to my parenting, to go to social media, to squash any feelings, rationalize my way or just try harder to have someone like me. It starts spiraling in to feelings of anxiety, rejection and failure.  It's not that God can't work through those people and things , but why not go directly to the deep well of unending peace and calm? It seems to be a no-brainier that I should read my bible and pray every day. I sang the song about doing both of those things weekly to precious 3 year-olds all last year in bible class. So, why don't I?? Why do sometimes I feel so close to God and His peace, grace, purposes and and ways and other times He's the furthest thing from my mind? 

I would love a formula for faithfulness, steadfastness, obedience. There's this image in my mind of quiet strength, confident humbleness, peaceful grace, joyful trust. Sometimes I see a tiny glimpse of just one fruit of the Spirit.. And least I get arrogant and feel as if I've arrived to some state of spiritual accomplishment, I know there isn't a way to be perfect. Only one man could live that perfect life and is not me. I pray to want to want Him. I know if I draw close to Him, He will draw close to me. That stubborn part of my spirit that wants to do it in my own power and be successful, not faithful. That wants to be abundant for my ego. The generosity that wants to let the left hand know what the right hand is doing. I want an apology in order to forgive. I want to show someone who rejected me what they are missing.

Sometimes selfishness wins. The greedy, selfish, hurt, angry parts win. Then, I'm embarrassed that I have represented the Savior who loves me so incredibly poorly. I have made the gossips about Christians true. I have failed with no legitimate excuses.  I know I'm forgiven by Him, but do I forgive myself? Do I rely securely deeply, confidently in the arms of the only presence on this earth that can calm down all the noise, failure, rejections and voices of condemnation, judgment and the feeling of being so very little.

I have learned there is a rhythm and flow to this walk of faith that I've stopped fearing . I'm a lazy, arrogant, insecure, self absorbed person. I put up walls and don't allow people to see me vulnerable or emotional until my life cracks and then people don't know me. Who is this person? She's not this emotional... but I am I just never let people see it. I keep quiet until I can't and then it pours and pours and pours out overwhelmingly so. I don't think I'm unique in this. I've grown weary in generalizing and making universal statements. They always have exceptions. My flesh is weak and my ability to want success, popularity, wealth and ease knows no bounds.  I do not believe that all of that will go away this side of heaven and YET any change at all hinges on God's grace. Any kindness, compassion, generosity I attribute to God. 

Are there good moral people with out faith? Absolutely. I have to ask, does anything in this world encourage you to forgive the unforgivable? Does anything on this planet show favor on mercy over justice? Does anything outside of God give intrinsic value to all human life from conception to death, regardless of the degree of functionality of one's body or mind?  Our culture in America reflects the basis I'm nice to you until you cross me. I give you the benefit of the doubt until we disagree. I can only like you because we like the same things. I can be open because you agree with me. I am friendly to you as long as it's convenient. The survival of not only the fittest, but the elevating of the prettiest, wealthy, most talented. It's all so..... Easy. None of it requires maturity, self sacrifice and values any person before yourself. It's reflective of a lack of foundational ground rules. It gives the power of our decisions, relationships and feelings to the lowest common denominator of negative feelings and abdicates any responsibility to the offending person.  The culture encourages success at any cost, personal achievement over relationships, ideas and causes over people and their hearts. The lack of loyalty, grace and giving leans on friends for a season because you're useful or beneficial to me and it reeks of using people and loving things rather than the other way around. I find for me, the more I surround myself with that mindset whether in person, through movies, tv music and the internet I am influenced and my goals and focus are effected. It's subtle, it's slow and it's fun and it's everywhere 24/7. It's not dangerous at first, it's not wearing a black hat with a sinister cackle. The intrusions counter minds God. Everything He stands for gets smaller and quieter and the kicker is no one has forced anything on me. I have chosen the world in a dozen different small ways until I'm so far from God, I become religious and a church attender and not a passionate follower and imitator of Christ. As long as not I only turn to them in my times of need, but allow the time I spend on them to outweigh the time I spend focused on God, the pit will never be filled. I will keep going back to the garbage because it's a temporary fill and none of it lasts very long.

I'm lazy and I grow weary of being refined so I 'take a break' I ease back and want to zone out and have 'down time'. What suffers are my relationships with my husband, my sons, my extended family and friends and most of all with God. I want to be relateable, in the world, loving people and making a difference. That influence works both ways as I am not bullet proof. I get watered down, I make compromises, I chose acceptance over boldness. I chose fun self indulged first world entertainment over and over to deep connections that are about others. Having a clique, wanting the material best, choosing the path of high grades, developing skills, being involved, 'socializing', achievement, development for our kids and fear of not being successful over focusing on being faithful to my Savior. It's a cheap path I'm tempted by. I have to remind myself, if I wanted popularity and to fit in, choosing Christ isn't on the table. There's a tug to be set apart and yet to be involved and included.

 I've come to value the journey and the dance with God that is both beautiful, mystifying to me and humbling. Two steps backward in selfishness, sin and one step forward with repentance, grace and renewed filling of His spirit and love. Yes, I hate that for one second I become greater than everything God and what He has done for me in my life and will continue to through out this life on earth He's given me. I want to be a better reflection and not a hypocrite, not judgmental, not full of myself and holier than thou. I hate living up to the negative stereotypes our country have given Christians. I hate having to ask forgiveness for the same thing I did last week, yesterday or 5 hours ago. I hate being that weak. God should have been done with me a long time ago and yet, somehow He loves, forgives and accepts me unconditionally. In the recognition of my never ending need, God shines more and I become less. I am revealed as flawed and human and He that is greater in me, will be praised.

I wouldn't trade the dance for anything this world has to offer. It's hard work and it's worth it.

I'm OK, not being Ok

So... I haven't done a heart post in quite some time. This should be a doozy. Read at your own risk :-) I may make you uncomfortable. You may roll your eyes. You may disconnect and click away at any given moment. You may absolutely disagree with me. You might see where I'm coming from or fall somewhere in between. Either way, the words need to come out. They may not all be wise, but they'll always be honest.

Lately, the fact that I wasn't raised actively going to church or really knowing much about God has been on the forefront of my mind. Who am I kidding? Before that it was my age and before that something else, I'm sure homeschooling or another non traditional family choice we make. I am confident in our choices after prayer, research and discussion with my husband, sometimes I just wonder where we fit in making the choices we do. The one constant theme is a feeling of not quite belonging, of not quite getting all the unspoken rules and expectations. A feeling of being an outsider within my adopted family of faith is being felt even after 13 years of calling believers, my family. Rather than bury it, I've been talking about and wrestling with these feelings of loneliness. I'm leaning in rather than escaping and avoiding.

I started going to church in high school when a friend from my soccer team invited me to her Lutheran church. The mention of the denomination only matters as there have been several and explains some of the habits I have from the various exposures as well as the lack of loyalty to one denomination. I'm loyal to God and His church... ie. family of believers, not the name on a building. Let me be clear, my journey with church, in regard to both it's beauty and imperfection is still an ongoing refining process that God is working on for me. I know for sure, I need a group of people who are trying to follow God, obeying His laws, showing His love, serving His people, Forgiving 77 x 7.  Will those people at times judge me, hurt me, disappoint me, misunderstand me and reject me? Absolutely, they have and will. But, after all the friends I made in high school youth group went off the college, I found myself floundering, big time. I didn't know how to keep leading the life I had been shown and wanted. There was no one to ask questions, lead me in scripture, pray over and with me, give me encouragement and tools to grow in the faith I was just starting to understand. I saw in my friend's family a peace, a kindness, a difference that thanks to social media I know still shines from them today. They loved me and provided a refuge from messy home stuff that is with out price. I learned shortly after coming back to church ... first a baptist church, then a Jewish temple, followed by a one time stint at a church that referred to God as a she, to eventually find myself in a Church of Christ. The CofC was the first ones to tell me that God wanted to know me, wanted a personal relationship and that I could be completely myself with Him. I finally got what God had done for me and for the first time felt accepted, loved and forgiven unconditionally. I can't speak for any other nonbeliever, but I never decided to follow God out of a need to follow rules or to be told I was wrong. He did and does, but I knew already by then how much I was loved and that made all the difference. I wanted something that nothing else on earth could offer and I had tried a few very sad poor substitutes.

I shared many details of what I'm glazing over when I returned as a prodigal daughter. I felt the rejection, the awkwardness, the distance. I don't think God's people often know what to do , say, react to the degree of brokenness that's out there. There is a certain insulation that builds misusing certain scriptures about being set apart or unequally yolked. If we as believers truly want to reach a lost people and I truly believe that is the heart of believers to share the peace of God, we should be girding each other up to do so. Are we really shocked when Satan gets a foothold, when people stray, when sin abounds??? We have three sons and we homeschool them and plan to for the foreseeable future to give them the strongest foundation in faith, conviction, family and truth as we possibly can. It's NOT to put them in a bubble out of fear from a fallen world. It's to prepare them for everything that Satan will throw at them. Just like the disciples when they were mature and ready, these three amazing young men will launch in to the world and make the difference that God has created them for.

 When we are in the degrees of sin and the justification of our own actions in the comparison game, arrogance will win.  Disdain for the sins of others will prevail rather than the bond of being fellow sinners. We grade and elevate others while minimizing and justifying our own. If we believe what our bible says, the continuing spiritual and moral down trend will occur until Jesus returns. It's not going to look more like heaven down here, it will continue to resemble it less. No one seems to know what to do with that mess and even more so as a single woman, I was told they would not chose me for the reasons I so blindly trusted strangers with because I felt lead to share. I do still share with those who I believe God is leading to me who can directly relate, receive comfort or benefit in some way with what God has done in my life and where He saved me from and how He can and will do that for others. The sharing is now with discernment and only after someone knows my character, my heart, my intent and quite frankly, doesn't scare easily.Why did I change? Because honestly I do care what people think and how they treat me. I'm not bullet proof but I'm working on getting my value and worth through God alone. Part of me is mad at myself for being quieter and part of me believes I don't need to throw pearls to the swine. To a degree, we are supposed to be uncomfortable, we are supposed to be stretched. We are supposed to be out of our element to be reminded that only through God's strength can we face our Goliaths. Where I'm at sharing details now is that the pain from those early years is not something to be handled lightly and I am not at a place to again knowingly give someone power to yield over me  that has not in some way proven that they will handle me and my past, present and future with compassion and love. Godly and brave? No. Honest? yes

Why do I care so much about the church's reaction still? I still have family I love with all my heart out there who I pray passionately know the love of God. One of them is making steps towards church community and reading her bible . I pray she is welcomed in to a community who will love her and she her Jesus. They aren't my project, I'm not trying to convert them. That's Gods job that only He can and they would have to want to accept that from Him.  I will love them until the day I die no matter what they chose in life. I love them as unconditionally  as I humanly can because that's what God has done for me. I owe them that. Get this, I'm the most soft spoken in my family. Where will they fit in? Who will accept them showing that God will too?? Who isn't going to gossip, get defensive and judge them? I know we are all fallen and can't be all things to any one person.  BUT, We have to be willing to try to reflect as much of God as we possibly can. The Good Samaritan comes to mind who was willing to go past just awareness and pity keeping a 'safe' distance to get involved, get dirty, go out of his way to help and be there in a real way that made a lasting difference. Our prayers to deeply connect in a real world past the questions , 'Do you know Jesus and here's how you get to heaven' it's not about sign ups, it's about walking life together in love, grace and truth. Just love them, no matter if you can relate or not. Give them grace even when they don't think they need it. Trust that God is in them, created them, loves them and wants them even if they reject it,  see not only their potential but the beauty they have now already and that God couldn't love them anymore if they changed everything that God didn't agree with. Rules didn't draw me to God. The thought of hell didn't draw me to God. Scandalous unfair, undeserved love drew me to Him. His word lead me the rest of the way, working through how others lived did.

So if I'm to live as a light sans the hell, fire and brimstone , lecturing and judging then when, not if, I fail I am working towards being honest, transparent and sharing that with others. I'm not going to lie, it's unconformable, risky and vulnerable. I'm not in this life just for me and my image . Everyone knows everyone else does struggle, but we hide and combine that with the superficial social media bragging of what we are doing, how we are doing it, what we are buying , with who and how often reeks of pride and selfishness. Keeping it real is about our hearts and minds as much as the mess in our homes and with our kids. You will see how I deal with hardship when I have God. Yes, it's hard not to want to bury that and pretend it didn't happen or to want as few people to witness failure and pain as much as possible. But we are light shiners, its not about us, it's about showing Christ to everyone. It's not for the weak, the safe, the calm. It's for the bold and the meek. I as a later Christian, start expecting life to be smoother, more calm after all I've been through and then I remember if I wanted easy, following Christ was not that choice. It's counter cultural to love when you want to attack back, it's against our nature to forgive when we want justice. It's hard to be selfless when we want our way right here, right now.

I haven't posted a thoughtful post in quite some time for several reasons, new baby, sickness, sleepless nights, fuzzy brain, etc etc... but I've come to realize much of the reason was just wanting to not stand out and feeling as if there are so many opinions by people with far more experience, maturity, knowledge, wisdom and faith than me. I start being mad at myself for conforming to the silence. Then I buy in to the thought of why bother? I'm pretty sure several ideas or sentences I've already written were inspired or repeated from small group, mom to mom, bible study, this week's sermon or a conversation with a friend of family member. Do I have something of value to add? God's word tells me yes, everyone does. My words aren't a new revelation. Ecclesiastes says since nothing is new under the sun. I realized it doesn't have to be earth shattering and explosive. Media reflects that perspective that only shockingly polar opposite view points get the attention. There is value in a still small voice. There is a reason why God put me here and it's to shine what ever light I can in what ever size of a circle of influence I have. God can and does turn every story in to a testimony if we are brave enough to step out and share. I don't think it's ground breaking , attention seeking or narcissistic to want to have your voice heard, to be understood and to want to understand.  It's human connection and we all crave it to one degree or another. As technology changes, so does our avenue to express ourselves. Written words are far easier and less awkward to me than the spoken one, says this introvert.

So, these rules and unspoken expectations and reading between the lines are exhausting at times for me. I don't think anything is resolved by not talking about it. when peoples differences outweigh their similarities it requires thought, respect and loving the person more than the cause. I couldn't disagree more with the idea that 'everyone knows that'. I can't imagine why one person believes that 6 billion people on earth should all be on the same page and know, acknowledge or play by a series of rules and guidelines that aren't communicated. You can expect them, absolutely but I believe you will be setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt and the other person up for failure and judgment every single time. More often, as I've passed the 40 year mark, I just want to be 5 years old again, where everyone is friends with a hi and let's go play with out agenda beyond connecting, sharing and getting through life's joys and sorrows so you're not alone. I can't imagine the hurt and other situations others have experienced where that doesn't become an option for them. I, of all people with all my past baggage, make friends and build trust very slowly.  While I completely believe no one can ever really 'earn' your trust, respect and love since we are ALL fallen , broken people living in this world. I don't do so lightly. I can be a challenge and jump in to what I believe has the potential to be an inspiring conversation only to have misunderstood that nothing was to be said by anyone else. I leap before I look in a often times desperate ( at least it feels like that internally) attempt to relate to another human being and feel less alone. Potentially pathetic and overwhelming and clingy to others if taken too far? Absolutely.

The baggage I referred to is in large part what inspired the words to come out. I do have lots of it, I'm not blind, stupid or in denial. That baggage is messy and rears it's ugly head in insecure, immature hurtful ways to the people around me. Does that make me unsafe, unhealthy, flawed, imperfect, toxic? Do I have unhealthy coping and defense strategies and mechanisms? Absolutely, all of those things. Who really doesn't???? But get this..... I'm ok, not being ok. I have not given up having God work on me and refine me through His transforming power, grace, love and never ending mercy. But, I know I will never be all put together, whole, healthy and sound this sound of heaven. I refuse to strain, and try to refine my own self because the results are temporary and shallow. Too much of the world and not enough God will result in me doing what ever I think is unthinkable. I am not above any sin or the ability to hurt myself and others in profound ways. There is absolutely nothing wrong with mental health support and assistance. I have reached out and benefited from trained caring people more than once in my life. I'm not putting people in the position of savior, healer or said trained professional. Often times for me, it's just validation, connection and support. To just listen, not fix, not judge, distance, worry or lecture. To just be there is an enormous gift. To say , you're normal, I get it. I struggle and to share, to let down their own walls and be emotionally accessible and  present. To minimize, encourage or cheer up, only seeing the bright side is what I used to do before real life struggles started hitting me. Life's disappointments, hurt and pains are a journey and I trust wholeheartedly that God will walk by my side to a place of gratitude, repentance, joy, peace and purpose. But that won't be because of any one denying that something is bad or that it did hurt. Whether you agree with or would feel hurt also is irrelevant. Whether you would handle it in my messed up way or your own messed up way is just semantics. It's real to me and just as it would be for you. It won't define me, there's no need to panic. Not because I'm so strong and perfect, but because the one I trust and lean on is. The rejection or lack of acceptance will not make me feel better, it will just change my desire to communication openly and honestly with you. Life is hard with real struggles and real pain and pretending it isn't doesn't solve anything. Especially if we both believe in the power of God's ability to not leave us and to love and comfort us in all things.

In my immaturity and inexperience, I have shied away and was easily overwhelmed by other people's emotions. We all have our varying lines of what we can do and how much we can be there for other people. I rely and am in desperate need of God's strength and the changes only He can work when I am open, broken and hurting. The enemy would lure me to believe this wouldn't be the case if I grow up with the additional foundational years knowing and learning Christ. But, logically I know that's not true. Real relationships are messy. They require work, forgiveness and layers of communication from the mundane, painful, awkward, humbling, joyful and saddened. Close ones require authenticity, vulnerability and  trust. Emotions I've come to find out in the church are a debated topic. The conservative thought is not to be lead by them or be manipulated by them, to have a tight self control over them so we don't sin. The liberal side saying we are to be lead by the Spirit and be joyful - it is a fruit of the spirit. God created us and our emotions, they aren't the be all end all, but they aren't to be feared either. Emotions can be intense, grief over my sister the last ten years at times knocked my breath out. While I wouldn't advocate it, I completely understand the desire to numb that intensity in what ever unhealthy way the world offers. Denial, drugs, workaholic tendencies, the list is endless, temporary and futile. They always surface, I may be able to talk myself out of something now but eventually they demand our attention. In a perfect world maybe on the other side of life here is a place of balance of emotion and logical/ heart and head. I don't know one single person that has mastered that act. Some dive head long with out thought of preparation or consequences. Others who can talk themselves out of anything with risk, with a challenge, that don't want to be stretched and grown with out careful loss/ benefit risk analysis.  Yesterday, in our bible class time, the phrase was shared, we treat people how we treat God and vice versa. When I'm hurt, offended or disappointed am I backing off, rejecting, losing the benefit of the doubt? Am I making people earn me to a level no normal person can? What does that say about my relationship with God??

Truthfully, I tend to be more of the emotional side. As I've gotten older the slowing down, talking through, working out details has grown and had practice. It does not come first. In my marriage, I'm often the mad cap I Love Lucy with another off the grid idea that my husband has a list of, have you thought about this ____ replies. After almost 10 years of marriage, we make a good team and balance... most of the time ;-) Differences aren't a threat, an attack or a judgment, but a reflection of individuality and that's ok.The challenge arises when we only want and value our own approach and way to tackle life's issues.

When I'm empty, it's easy to turn a circumstance in to a complex. It's easy to pick out the differences and reject rather than wait for what feels like an inevitable rejection. It's easy to believe the nice words others are saying are just 'kindness' and not truth. It's easier to believe the worst. It's easier to take offense. It's easier to withdrawal. It's easier to use people and love things. It's easier to look for what ever requires the least amount of self reflection to fill a void. It's easier to hide behind words and projects and excuses. It's just easier to not do what's right, what's best and what will benefit myself as well as yourself in the long run. It's not that I can't or that I don't know the correct answers, I'm just empty. Where do I start climbing my way out? I know there's light, but what will make me want to do the work to get there? For me, it began with 4 people truly caring and being all in.

So, over the last 7 months of adjusting to being a family of five, the gamete of new scenarios, opportunities and circumstances have been several. With little sleep waking up by a child's cry and falling asleep sitting up soon after the house gets quiet, the tank goes towards empty. The ability to navigate roles and juggle responsibilities is even more compromised. The social, spiritual, physical, extended family and marital needs and commitments suffer. Lord willing, in our family we are coming out of survival mode more aware of what pulls us from each other and God. We aren't stronger, we are more pliable for God's work in our lives and more aware of the needs around us that we can meet as fellow sufferers. We are more aware of the need for the ultimate connection to be able to pour in to every other relationship that at times can both fill and drain us. The one source that's never ending will fill all of those other roles, bringing gratitude, love, peace that passes all understanding and a love that's beyond our own capabilities. In our brokenness, walls come down. We are better parents for being in touch with our struggles, brokenness and humble awareness, acceptance and need of the grace of God.

Our preaching minister has been going through well known people of the bible and being really honest about the struggles, the flaws, the sins, the insecurity, the rebellion, the disobedience. I'm a little late to the party as the series is in it's 8th week. I'm catching up during quiet time when the boys are playing in their rooms during the week. I needed this. I'm giving a big sigh of relief. I feel like I've hit a bottom lately with things I can't control like hormones, sleep and schedules as well as my own lack of focus and filling with my own time with God in a meaningful way that's just about Him and me. I'm starting to feel 'normal' and needed the reminded that He equips the called, He doesn't call the equipped. God can use the broken, the flawed, the sinful, the messed up and I'm SO GLAD because my list is not pretty on paper of the mess that is me and the fact that God isn't scared off, detoured or indifferent, but so invested in me that He has a purpose for me and will use everything to reach others. I just need to stay present and available. I need to be ok, not being ok. Are you?

7 by Jen Hatmaker - Chapter One

7 by Jen Hatmaker - Chapter One 

It's 1 am. I can't sleep. I'm on mommy alert mode with the thunder and rain outside. I just finished cutting and laminating some activities for Matthew tomorrow and now I'm reading Chapter One of "7" by Jen Hatmaker.

These words are still resonating in my mind....

That critical perspective has to go, too. Cynicism wreaked some havoc on my gentleness, my humility. When God interrupted our lives a couple of years ago, He deconstructed some toxic paradigms and rebuilt them on a sturdier foundation. However, unwilling to address them, I left a few in rubble, never reconstructed or reimagined. The debris proved fertile soil for cynicism, as it always does for the obstinate.

So I repent today, acknowledging my reflection in the Scripture we studied: “You stiff-necked people . . . you always resist the Holy Spirit!” (Acts 7:51). That is not the legacy I want to leave. I want to live gratefully, humbly, hopefully. Clinging to criticism has not made me happier; it just made me cynical. It played a bit part when Jesus used discontentment to move me, but now it is simply baggage I must shed if I hope to carry on with integrity.

AND

Ironically, studies show that increased consumerism comes at a steep price. A rise in prosperity is not making people happier or healthier. Findings from a survey of life satisfaction in more than sixty-five countries indicate that income and happiness track well until about $13,000 of annual income per person. After that, additional income produces only modest increments in self-reported happiness. It’s no wonder. We are incurring debt and working longer hours to pay for the high-consumption lifestyle, consequently spending less time with family, friends, and community.

“Excess consumption can be counterproductive,” said Gary Gardner, director of research for Worldwatch. “The irony is that lower levels of consumption can actually cure some of these problems.”6 That makes sense: If we buy only what we need and can afford, debt becomes a moot point. When accumulation is not our bottom line, we are liberated to disperse our time and resources differently. I know working to pay off The Man and keep the house of cards intact has not made me a happy camper. A bunch of us are wondering if there is a better way.

AND

What I do know is that my “something” is a desire to look more like Jesus. I am pierced by Gandhi’s astute observation: “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

Would Jesus overindulge on garbage food while climbing out of a debt hole from buying things He couldn’t afford to keep up with neighbors He couldn’t impress? In so many ways I am the opposite of Jesus’ lifestyle. This keeps me up at night. I can’t have authentic communion with Him while mired in the trappings He begged me to avoid.

AND this....

Four of the top ten causes of death in America today are chronic diseases with well-established links to our industrialized diet: coronary heart disease, diabetes, stroke, and cancer. These health plagues remain rare in countries where people don’t eat like us, even if its local diet is high in fat or carbs, the two straw men America decided to fight. The basics of the Western diet include:

• The rise of highly processed foods and refined grains

• The use of chemicals to raise plants and animals in huge monocultures

• The abundance of cheap calories of sugar and fat

• The massive consumption of fast food

• The shrinking diversity of the human diet to a tiny handful of staple crops, notably wheat, corn, and soy (thanks to vigorous lobbying and strategic subsidization by our government)

• The conspicuous absence of fruit, vegetables, and whole grains

This bodes terribly for us, and it is downright disastrous for our children. In fact, U.S. life expectancy was projected to rise indefinitely, but a new data analysis from the New England Journal of Medicine suggests this trend is about to reverse itself due to the rapid rise in obesity, especially among children. Our kids are the first generation in the history of America that has a shorter life span than their parents.

'via Blog this'

Job Search

For my daily reminder that I'm not in control I think about the current job search process that's going on in our house. Billy who is extremely loyal has been in the same company since college (10 years for him). From a wife's perspective he isn't being challenged. I want my brilliant husband to feel fulfilled in what ever way God uses him to use his gifts. He's a wonderful provider for our family and I trust God will lead Him accordingly. He is making all the right efforts and God is saying wait (where else has that theme occurred in our marriage? Children and house oh yeah..:)

I have also been looking since Mid-May knowing Rachel was going to be cared for elsewhere. Here's one of the pictures I took on the last few days of taking care of her. (By the way, if you ever receive a picture quilt, please note Wash on Delicate, Cold Water, NO detergent. Lay Flat to dry.) I miss her sweet personality but I'm glad I still get to see her and sweet parents at church every Sunday. I got so attached to her, I cried when Amy and I talked about what was the next best step for her. I absolutely support their decision, I just realized I wouldn't get to see her as often.


Pressure, this job search process places on a person. When, where, how much, how often, doing what? We believed and still do pulling back from full time work for me while we were pursing the treatments was the best decision over all. Taking care of Rachel was a wonderful God timed privilege and blessing. I'm hoping to feel helpful where ever God leads me next, just feeling needed will fulfill me career wise. Career sounds like I take the path itself personally or aggressively. I always just want to do the best that I can wherever God leads me.

To some people though, their career is something that greatly fulfills them, they feel called to do and serve in that capacity. They have a passion and goal oriented focus to achieve a certain level of responsibility or success. I admit to not being one of these people. I see it as more than just a means to an end though. I want to do my best, give my employer their money's worth and also remember to work as for the Lord and not for men. I pray to see opportunities to share His word by behavior and words when the situations provide themselves. I've just never had that driving ambition to conquer or call the shots. I'm a worker at heart and not a leader. I'm happy knowing I've carried out something to the best of my ability and that my boss is satisfied with the way I carried it out and happy with the end result.

That's usually where I stop talking, money is pretty taboo. No one really talks about it and yet God gives us that as a way to eat, have clothes and a roof over our heads. There was a Crown Financial Study that shares money is discussed more in the bible than several other wonderful Godly disciplines including prayer. God is not limited to the means of a savings account, 401(k), or employment to take care of His children. We do our part in being good stewards over our abilities and time. But our efforts aren't what bring us our needs and wants. Hard to separate that when you don't work thinking about not eating. God provides other ways. Billy and I aren't struggling (because of God's provisions) and we haven't changed our tithe through this. God will provide a source of income in His timing and will. I get out X number of resumes a day and pray God will lead me to where it's a perfect fit. I know what's expected of me and don't want to let my husband down pulling my weight. Plus, after a bit, it would just be nice to know someone thinks you'd be an asset to their family/ situation.

Is that what they call the health and wealth gospel? I do my part and surely God will bless me? Isn't that a works mentality though? I earned these blessings by leading a good life? How far is that from the thinking that if you're a 'good' person that you will go to heaven? I say good in quotes because if you aren't measuring good according to God's character, what is good? Pretty subjective and self centered view, that somehow I could be good enough in anyway to earn a right in to heaven. Maybe it's the 80's residual of everyone gets a trophy. People think if they just show up, something is owed to them. A practice developed to avoid hurting a child's self esteem that breeds self righteousness and unrealistic expectations resulting in a bad work ethic. This issue doesn't hit as home to me as other things going on in our life. Cumulatively it's all part of every day situations that thousands of people face every day and have the opportunity in which to glorify God.

Finding my Balance

Joy, the Godly lasting definition has nothing to do with getting my own way, having all my expectations met or everyone treating me as God wants. Sorrow according to Proverbs is more welcome than gladness. I know I don't want to live the rest of my life sad or hurting, I'm not that noble.  Living a life for my own momentary pleasures is shallow and meaningless, a chasing after the wind as Ecclesiastes states. I've made several notations in my journal lately about balances in many things so with this quote I begin:

"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid with regard to external things. Don't wish to be thought to know anything; and even if you appear to be somebody important to others, distrust yourself. For, it is difficult to both keep your faculty of choice in a state conformable to nature, and at the same time acquire external things. But while you are careful about the one, you must of necessity neglect the other." If anyone tells you that such a person speaks ill of you, don't make excuses about what is said of you, but answer: "He does not know my other faults, else he would not have mentioned only these." Epictetus

Where does God want me? My desire isn't to be solemn, unhappy, sad and mourning. Since every good gift comes from the Lord, I would come to the conclusion he gives perfect gifts because He wants to delight us.   We spoke in our Sunday night group a bit back about worry and I don't believe there was any exception to one person in the marriage being the one with a tendency to worry (C for Cautious person) and the other being more laid back (A for Adventurous spouse). Yet, how alienated and unvalidated C would feel to be told by A to remember it wouldn't matter if they died tomorrow anyway. Maybe that does work for A, but it's not A's struggle to place things completely in the hand of God and walk away.  No more than C would be well received by telling A they are not responsible or wise since A makes decisions quicker.  Somewhere in each marriage is a Godly balance to pray and weigh life's matters with equal respect and patience for each other's temperament a decision is made, action is taken.  Hopefully as this happens we are honoring God and each other's hearts, not taking control away from God by either being anxious or thoughtless.

 So how do I not worry about how circumstances will turn out?  Whether our house sells (the contract fell through, her house never sold) or when our new house will be done, when I will find a new job (Rachel is in school now, so I'm job searching) and the layoffs at Billy's work, how our family grows are some of the most pressing concerns on our mind. I'm learning slowly as the serenity prayer says

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life  and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Billy and I take turns reminding each other as situations come up to trust God.  Easy short words, with an enormous meaning behind them. Who by worrying can add a single hour to their life? Do not worry about what you will eat or what you wear. The birds do not spindle or labor and yet God takes care of those, how much more does He love us made in His image? Be strong and courageous, and act; do not fear nor be dismayed, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you nor forsake you until all the work for the service of the house of the LORD is finished.

 I sit and contemplate encouragement versus empathy. The need to not be cheered up, and yet comforted.  Happy yet aware of other's pain. Enjoying life yet being thankful. Having true strength and still being gentle and kind. Bold and sensitive of others people's feelings. Being wise in our decision making keeping God's will and still remembering God didn't send His son to die on the cross for our sins to live in fear of every pitfall that could occur. Perfect love casts out all fear is completely from scripture and how does someone living in fear react in the midst of their own rising anxiety to that scripture? Do I really expect them to snap out of it, smile and say of course, I forgot, you're so right? They skip happily away never to worry again.... How does God make His words real in our heart? Knowing I can't change others, knowing sheer will power and self control alone won't pull me from my boot straps, what makes the difference? What is bigger than the fear of change and improving and stepping outside what ever I am most afraid of?  Doing everything without complaining and still recognizing life will not be perfect. Thinking about what is truth, has honor, just, pure, lovely , praise worthy.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but consider others better than yourself. Such maturity in scripture. A contentment not in knowing the answers. For a person intrigued by the why and how of events and human behavior God chooses to teach his daughter to trust Him more than having the answers.

I can't fix life, hearts, behavior, thoughts, feelings better than our Lord. He who made heaven , earth and everything in it has the highest power, the perfect timing,  precise approach , the most effective methods, the best results that  will produce maturity and growth in all of His children on earth. How do I make sure I am part of His plan and not part of an obstacle He must work around. I've heard it said God will no matter what I do. Does that mean I shouldn't even try? In a striving to have a soft heart that God can reach, willing ears and a teachable spirit for God to shine through my very soul.

Contentment is the word springing to mind. Regardless of how much the rain comes down, how bright the lightening is, how loud the thunder cracks in the storms of my life to have peace in my heart. Not apathetic, not in denial, not closed off , not hard hearted, not bitter, recognizing it hurts, not running from the pain, not being a martyr. There are hurts when I finally gather up the courage to trust I tell with tears like it was 18 days ago and not 18 years. I cry not because I haven't moved on, but from remembered hurt. What hard lessons I learned that I am sure in my teenage arrogance of 'knowing' I had everything figured out, had all the right answers, knew how I would approach and be successful in life no matter what I would not have learned any other way. I have felt God's humbling and don't know how to stay humble. With being human comes the strength for a beggar to lift his head and enough shame to bow the head of a president (my paraphrase of C.S. Lewis) .  An empty scrapbook that sometimes feels as though it will never be put together for a baby. A crib sitting in a closet for more than two years now yearning to be assembled, chewed on and trusted with a fragile defenseless, priceless beautiful baby to rest their sleepy head. Being so close to the next step of adoption that I'm afraid to get my hopes up, to get any more attached to this outcome than I did of giving birth. Birth moms change their minds and babies can die.  Betsie Ten Boom "There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still."  Jim Elliot "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what which he cannot loose. "


My perfectionism in wanting to do this 'just' right is what has me blogging at past 1 a.m. Behind every good procrastinator is the heart of someone wanting to get it perfect. My mind starts processing and I must remember:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

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