Selfishness

I read all of your responses on the News Reaction posting with tears in my eyes, every single one of them at least once a day. The scriptures you provided having everything to do with God and nothing to do with me. That's what gives me peace: focusing outwardly. Not throwing my own pity party. Not questioning God. Not having all the answers including what God's will is for us to do with the love of children or why. When I read God's word, I feel myself relax, my mind slows down, my soul opens up. He does everything. God's word doesn't make the situation vanish. The Word is not an escape from the world and it's troubles, but a haven with answers, direction and purpose. It simply places my heart, mind and body with God, home.

There is a fine line between denial and faith. We live is an emotion filled culture. Commercials, songs, books are about telling us that we want to be all put together, up to date and famous with power and wealth. What fake seconds the world sells us compared to what God's true riches are. What hole am I trying to fill by spending my time on one specific pursuit or another over time in His Word? What kind of control am I seeking by wanting everything in place rather than realizing it's about God's place? Where's the line between responsible stewardship and obsessiveness? Passion and joy for God's wonders and placing those creations above the creator? Assertiveness and obedience? I don't want to be high strung, stressed desperately wanting to control nor do I want to be a wilted wall flower giving up. Neither glorifies the heart of God. What ever feels right and fills us up for the moment doesn't cut it. Every emotion I feel is valid, really? This kind of thinking leads to rationalizing any decision even among Christian's that "God wants me to be happy" and for me especially lately "He wouldn't have given me this gift if He didn't want me to have children" Plenty of arrogance in that statement and not enough humbleness. So I would have to live my life making excuses for my thinking, rather than change my thinking to effect my emotions. Even finding what fit I have in this world still is not my goal. I'm made for God, God was not made for me. He's not my genie waiting to grant me all my wishes or to guarantee all of life will be easy with me floating above all the hurt and hard choices.

Maybe I can finally let it go: the picture I have carried in my mind that is HAS to turn out a certain way. I do have a heart's cry for a child, God knows that. How many times do I need to keep reminding him? Oh, I want to...maybe too much. He wants me to be honest with Him. At what point do I leave it in God's hands and get back to my purpose on earth of loving God and my neighbor? Why am I going through this? Because God allows it. I love Him and trust him no exceptions. It's not up to me to determine what's fair and when God gives or takes away. Serving Him, allowing Him to mold me? When do I make me stop being the focus of this? Isn't that the difference in having Christ? I don't need earthly anything. Christ ALONE is enough. I only need God, His son crucified.

I could say this is an exception, easily making myself the martyr. It's the only thing I want.. making my bargain with God that if He just gives me this ONE thing, I'll be content. Will I really though? I'm either content or I'm not with Christ. I don't want contentment in my present circumstances, because what happens when these circumstances end? I want contentment in God Himself. I count my blessings but that's not where my peace is. Maybe I should pursue nanny or child care. Maybe it's volunteer work. Maybe it doesn't matter. When my heart is complaining, ungrateful and selfish I'm not glorifying Jesus Christ. That's not what His life was about. It's not about my mistakes, my repentance or my growth. Because it's not about MY anything. The new house I've been saying is the one thing that I felt maybe our timing was actually coinciding with God's. Maybe it is, but that's not my hope. The next time I hear news what will I do? A choice or indulgence? It is giving in or facing? What perspective is God looking at this?

Selfishness breeds greed, coveting, violence and rationalizing actions as to what I should do dependent on how it effects me. Should I interfere with family disputes? Well it puts me in the middle? Isn't that just a third person now being selfish? Should I tell my boss someone else is cheating? What does that mean to my reputation with fellow workers? *sigh* So it's okay to protect and defend myself if I feel wronged or hurt enough?? What about God and His promises to defend and protect us? Does giving up or retaliating really protect me??? It allows other's sin to effect God's holy character influence on me. How will I react next time? I honestly don't know. Hopefully one baby step better? With perseverance, more scriptures in my purse and a heart to glorify God and not dwell on myself.

Tonight, I didn't have time to dwell on anything besides helping children see bravery through the story of Peter. I look forward to myself learning through this week's VBS. I pray today for courage to go where ever it is God is leading us, to be faithful, content and trusting in God alone each and every day.