Search me, O God,... and know my anxious thoughts

I'm bracing myself for this weekend and next. I'm not a quick thinker on my feet in social situations. It's probably why I write better than I talk as it gives me more time to think. I'm anticipating the baby conversations. I read an email today about being a mommy or wanting one and there was an ache inside. With the multiple baby showers and the wedding shower along with the wedding I'm in, I know we'll see people we may not have in a while. Inevitably the question arises as we've been married almost three years now, "when are you guys planning on kids?" Billy has this so much easier, the we're practicing gets him out of all that, plus men don't ask as much as women. The first time he said that, let's just say....it was just very unexpected. So Amy Wilson has offered to go to the baby showers with me which I don't even have the words to say how much that support means. So I will work on my chit chat, keeping the conversation light. I almost have a panic attack just thinking about small talk. I'll take my camera, takes pics, make myself useful. That's when Martha syndrome kicks in, when I'm most uncomfortable, I look for things to do.

Is it embarrassing to reveal weaknesses or insecurities? Sure, it can be. I can pretend I never have an ugly selfish thought and hide my doubts and worries or just not talk about it as if it's not a big deal and I'm not dealing with these heart issues. But then you don't really know me, you can't support or encourage or pray, what ever the Lord leads you to. I can fill my blog with pictures, casual stuff or stop all together, but I chose to be real. I spent a large part of my life hiding and pretending I'm something I'm not and the only thing I succeeded in was people liking someone I felt I had to keep maintaining. I was witness to a horrible car accident on a road trip just over three years ago and what bonded me to the friends that were in that car wasn't the fun we'd had the week before skiiing, playing and cliff jumping. It was need, vulnerability and seeing their real hearts. I've known since then those are the types of friendships that matter, that are real. So I'm flawed, deeply so, it's why I need Jesus daily. I think I have to be okay with my flaws, because only then I can accept them in others. If I am only friends with those who appear to have it all together I'll be not only lonely I won't even be able to hang out with myself. More times than I can count, I meet a woman, think to myself she has it so together we can't possibly have anything in common and only until I see some kind of humaness in that person do I feel like I can relate to them. Some of my closest friends are those that have had trials, have made their mistakes and aren't afraid to share them. It does take a safe place and person to know you won't be judged, ridiculed or looked down on. Who are we to judge one another? As Eli says in "Your are Special"

Then he heard his name. "Punchinello?" said this voice, so deep and strong. Just then Punchinello stopped. The voice said, "Punchinello, oh how good it is of you to come! Let me have a look at you."

Punchinello slowly turned around and looked at the large bearded craftsman and said, "Sir, you know my name?" "Of course I do. I made you," Eli said. All of a sudden, Eli stooped down and picked little Punchinello up and set him on the workbench. "Hmmmmm," the Maker spoke thoughtfully as he inspected the gray circles all over him, "Looks like you've been given some bad marks." Punchinello explained,"Oh, Eli, I didn't mean to; really I didn't!!! I really tried hard not to." The Maker said, "Oh, you don't have to defend yourself to me, my child. I don't care what the other Wemmicks think." Punchinello asked, "Really? You don't?" Then Eli said, "No and you shouldn't either. Who are they to give stars or dots? They are Wemmicks just like you. What they think really doesn't matter at all, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special." Punchinello laughed, "Oh, me special? How can I be special? I can't walk fast. I can't jump. My paint is peeling. I make silly mistakes all the time and I am not a beautiful Wemmick like some of the others. How could I matter to you?" Eli looked at Punchinello and put his hands on those little wooden shoulders of his and spoke very slowly, "Because Punchinello... you are mine. That's why you matter to me." Punchinello had never had anyone look at him like this before or say anything so nice, much less his Maker! He didn't know what to say!

"Punchinello, every day I've been waiting and hoping you would come to see me," Eli explained. Punchinello looked up at him and said, "I came because I met a sweet Wemmick girl who had no marks." Eli said, "I know. Lucia told me about you." So Punchinello asked, "Why don't the stickers stay on Lucia?" Eli said, "Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what anyone else thinks. The stickers only stick if you let them." Punchinello looked puzzled and said, "What?" Eli said, "Yes, the stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust My love, the less you will care about those stickers." But Punchinello said, "I'm not sure I really understand. What you are saying?" The maker said, "You will, but it will take some time. You've got a lot of marks. So for now, just come to see me every day and let me remind you how much I care about you." Eli lifted Punchinello off the bench and set him on the floor. "Now remember," Eli said as the Wemmick walked out the door. "You ARE special because I made you, and I don't make mistakes."

Punchinello didn't stop, but in his heart he thought, "I think He really means it." And each time he remembered what Eli told him and each time he went to visit and talk with Eli, one of Punchinello's dots would fall off. They kept falling off and soon they were all gone!!!



We applied some scripture this month from Leviticus. I hadn't looked at it in terms of being fruitful, but after discussion and prayer with Billy we have taken this to heart. I feel like we are waiting for something to happen now, more so than usual.

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I put a counter on my blog and to the 31 people so far in the last 3 days who have come to visit me, thank you for taking a moment out of your life to check in on me, I'm very blessed.