First prayer is best said in the email I received from a former full time missionary in Ukraine. This cause is very near and dear to our hearts as Billy and I have both seen the situation over in Ukrainian orphanages ourselves. Romania and Guatemala have passed such laws.
We just found out that Monday, June 2nd a new law is being presented to the Ukrainian Parliament for a vote. It the resolution passes it will effectively, and immediately outlaw all International adoptions from Ukraine! This is devastating news. If the new law passes no one will be able to adopt from Ukraine except for Ukrainians and Russians. This makes no sense as Russia has a lot of orphans so whey would they go to Ukraine to get one and Ukrainians don't adopt their own children. This law would impact a lot of people. Even those other there now. Our understanding that some would that are in the process right now would have to immediately stop and leave the county with our this child they came for.
My second request for orphans is from Adoptive Families magazine that I subscribe to:
Dear Readers,
There is a horror film being released on July 24, called Orphan, about a family who adopts an older girl who "is not what she appears to be." The film is currently being promoted, and the trailer is available at http://orphan-movie.warnerbros.com. The adoption message is extremely negative, and plays into the stereotypes of adopted children, particularly older children, as damaged.
Though we have not been able to preview the entire movie, the trailer leads us to believe the movie will send a horrific message about adoption. The adoption community is protesting the release of the film. We urge you to contact the makers of the film, as well as your local movie theater chains, with your concerns. Feel free to copy or adapt the sample letter below.
To whom it may concern: I want to express my outrage about the release of the movie Orphan. The film plays into the stereotype of adopted children as damaged and dangerous. It discourages families from pursuing adoption, particularly adoption of older children, who are especially in need of loving homes. As an adoptive parent, I am horrified by the line in the trailer that "it must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own." Adoption has often been misrepresented in the media, but the previews for this film are unbelievably offensive. I urge you to change the promotional materials, and to consider holding the release of the film altogether.
Contact information:
Warner Bros. 4000 Warner Blvd. Burbank, CA 91522 818-954-6000
Silver Pictures 4000 Warner Blvd. 90 Burbank, CA 91522-0001 818-954-4490
Time Warner Inc. One Time Warner Center New York, NY 10019-8016 212-484-8000
Thank you for your support. The editors of Adoptive Families
The song "Yours" by Steven Curtis Chapman has been going through my head for the last few days. The last part of this song speaks to me and reading what inspired him to write this CD did too.
It's all Yours, God My life is Yours, my heart is Yours My hands and my feet are Yours Every song that I sing It's all Yours, all is Yours All belongs to You Our gifts are Yours, God All our dreams are Yours, God All our plans are Yours, God The whole earth is Yours, God Everything is Yours
His additional verse after losing his daughter Maria is so beautiful. " As a part of the family's acknowledgement of the tragedy and God's faithfulness to them through this difficult time, Chapman has also written a new verse to his song "Yours" from his current project, "THIS MOMENT": I've walked the valley of death's shadow So deep and dark that I could barely breathe I've had to let go of more than I could bear And questioned everything that I believe But still even here in this great darkness A comfort and hope come breaking through As I can say in life or death God we belong to you.
It's the difference between believing in God and living in God. Having a personal relationship with God is the best thing that has happened in my life. I spent my childhood believing, but only as a teenager and young adult did I start knowing who He was. I started to understand how he saw me and most importantly what He had done for me. He sent the person He loved the most to die for me so that this selfish person could go to heaven. No one else on earth can give me the worth or value that act does. I love Him because He first loved me. I continue to make my share of mistakes and knowing I get to go to heaven not because my good might outweigh my bad in the long run, but ONLY because God chose to provide a gap between my sin and God's perfection. Do I really think my good deeds are going to impress the perfect God who created all goodness? He thought of me since the beginning of time creating me for His purpose. It took me a long time for the knowledge of God's grace to make it's way from my head to my heart. I am His from now on. Nothing and no one can take that away from me. Cindy, our preacher's wife made an excellent point last night in small group. Peter did what we all think of all the one unforgivable sin, denying Christ-Peter did it three times. Christ still forgave him. I can't do enough good things to buy my way in to heaven and enough bad things to get kicked out. God's grace is not fair because neither I nor you deserve heaven. I'm glad life's not fair. I'm relieved that there is no scale of good or bad, only God's loving forgiveness.
When I think about the fact that God doesn't leave me, always willing to forgive me and does not give me more than I can handle I'm gratefully humbled. In a time of our lives that God is calling us to wait, to persevere to grow stronger confidence in Him; His promises are the only beacon of light of a future. Yes, I hurt, I doubt, I question, I get angry, sad, worry, fearful. I have harsh, judgemental, unloving, ungrateful, impatient thoughts towards others as well as the situation at large. I get stressed, impatient with the people I love the most. God's still there believing in me knowing if I turn to Him I am capable of being better. Since I love Him, I don't give in to every thought, every selfish motive. I exercise self control, I lean on God who is the only being on the planet who can handle my gambit of strong emotions fueling my opinions. I'm so sold out for Jesus because of the change in my heart. He took/ continues to take life's hurt and disappointments, injustices and He handles everything. I have to give it to Him though. I have to continually abdicate my right to be judge and jury for all the mistakes and life's unfairness.
Experiencing loss makes me think of my own mortality. How to apply what's going on around me so that I'm a better, not bitter person. What is God trying to show me through life's circumstances? I have to remember God is just, loving and oh so forgiving. I remember God honors our choices and loves us enough to let us decide whether we want to give our hearts to Him. He's respectful, He doesn't force us like puppets to be His followers.
When I pass on I want to be remembered as a loving person who trusted God. Someone who was there for the people who she loved and loved her. That's all because, it won't matter what job, where I lived, what I owned and how much I accomplished. I pray I kept my priorities of God, husband, family and friends, I used my talents but it didn't eclipse that people were more important. I hope that I loved people with as much of Jesus' unconditional love that I could no matter what we did or didn't agree on, no matter how different we were from each other. I hope I stood for what I believed in without putting anyone else down. I would rather mean much to a few people, than a little to many.
That, my gentle readers is what has been on my heart for weeks. What do you want to be remembered for? What are you doing today to make that a reality?
Last night was a wonderful evening spent with the ladies from Apples of Gold. AOG is an incredible mentoring program that respected women of a wise generation from Prestoncrest do as an act of service for the younger generation. Pat is a wonderful hostess. I enjoyed seeing women I don’t get so see very much anymore but think of very highly. Dawn & Melissa I hope you feel better soon. My sweet friend Jennifer was gracious enough to arrive with me and I got to spend more time with her on the drive.
I don’t have any more words right now. Tomorrow is a brand new day.
ADD 12:55 PM: Advent devotional for today. Luke 1:57-60 "When it was time for Elizabeth to give birth, she had a boy. her neighbors and relatives heard how good the Lord was to her, and they rejoiced. When the baby was eight days old, they came to circumcise him. They wanted to name him Zechariah because this was his father's name. But his mother said, 'No! He will be names John.'"
1. What was the neighbors and relatives reaction to Elizabeth having a baby, and being blessed by God? 2. Why did they want him to be named Zechariah? 3. Where does your name come from?
The neighbors and relatives of Elizabeth were not jealous that God had found favor in her. They rejoiced for her!
Dear God, help us to be happy when you bless others with good things. Give us happy hearts to help them praise you for the good things you have done for them. Amen
[This is the devotional word for word, I didn't change anything. Wow, does that apply]
On a less existential level, I have several opinions of what has gone on in my little spot of the world over the last 6 weeks. I wanted to record that here to see what God does with these views in the future. I'm sure God's not finished working on my heart in the areas of adoption, divorce or politics. I find myself lately doing what I didn't want to with this blog and that is altering how I express my thoughts here out of self protection (i.e. what are people going to think?).
I ask forgiveness ahead of time if my views step on any toes. While I believe truth is foundationaly important, I also believe we should not hurt others with our view of it. I'm open to other's views and this is not in any way trying to convince anyone to see these issues the same way that I do. Please also refer to the Differences and Change entries before continuing. I know many people have moved on from these issues and this is old news. I have always had an analytical personality. Things stay with me longer.
On our lost adoption opportunity....This is not our second choice. What ever child will be our natural/ real child. I know I've said I don't want our child to feel like a consolation prize, but going a step further I want them to know God chose for them to be in our home. Which doesn't take away the love their birth family has for them. While God has given us the gift of choice via adoption, I believe that should not be abused. God will place on our mutual hearts which child He intends for us to raise. I admit to having to catch up to His timing on this issue very slowly and still continue to work it out in my heart and mind. Even this morning I got a call about a possible child, we remain cautious and prayerful for this situation.
On divorce.... I believe first that God did not leave His word behind to hurt other people. Our entire relationship with God is summed up in love God and love our neighbors. We are to love everyone, whether we agree with them or would do the same in their position or not. I dare to debunk the myth that divorce takes two people. Divorce can happen to someone. It takes two people to enter in to a relationship and one person to decide they do not want to continue the relationship. If you've dated, you know this is true. The person being broken up with is left to accept, catch up, make peace and move forward. You can't convince someone to stay where they don't want to be. Commitment, not romantic sentimentality, chemistry or passion, holds a relationship together. No person is without mistakes or sin in their life. It requires unconditional love on both parts for two people to come together and stay together successfully. We are not made to be carbon copies of each other. I do not believe this is a salvation issue or something not forgiven by God. I know in my childhood I was not as understanding of how complicated and painful this is. I do not believe anyone should have to walk around with a scarlet "D" on their chest irregardless of the circumstances. The harsh judgment of someone and not looking at the heart of a person adds additional wounds. I also would not seek guidance from someone that did not honor marriage and the convenant that comes with it.
On the election... Did my guy win? No. Do I believe God works through everyone? Yes. There are Godly traits on both sides. Charity and helping the poor is definitely a Godly trait. As our president elect stated, "a recognition that wisdom is not the monopoly of any one party." We can all learn from each other regardless of age or political affiliation.
All that to say I am thankful to live in a country where I can share my views. I'm thankful for God's perfect timing in adoption. I'm thankful for a forgiveness, compassion and acceptance He provides of all of my sins, past, present and future. I'm thankful for the love, respect and commitment my husband has for me and our marriage and I don't take that lightly. I'm thankful that He is always has a plan for this country. I'm thankful after the last few years of losing so many family memebers to death for those remaining that I'm able to see tomorrow.
On a sweeter and happier part of the nut shell. I'm using bunches of the pecans my MIL left when she was here last month. I made a caramel chocolate pecan cheesecake on Monday and last night a pecan pie. Both gluten free and both for the first time. I'm looking forward to cooking a cornish game hen, biscuits (thank you for the gluten free recipe, Sarah!) , green bean casserole, yams and deviled eggs tonight and in to Thursday morning. I hope everyone has a wonderful day of being surrounded by loved ones. My prayers go out to Elaine , Tommy & Kristine's and Prentice's family and others celebrating the first one without them here on earth. We miss my siblings, Lisa & Alan, my grandparents by blood and marriage: Mamaw, Papaw, Granny Ione, Granny and Grandad Price, Beverly and my sweet niece Angel.
I'll have fun food and family pics later. Happy Thanksgiving!
We have spent much time contemplating having a child in our house. I have come to realize the more real the adoption process becomes to us that no matter the circumstances adopting is complicated. The realization that this could occur as a reality within the next couple of months has been both exhilarating and frightening. Most women have 9 months to adjust from dream to reality, to prepare emotionally and logistically. We've had the last 2 years, 4 months and 6 days to think about our future child in theory. There has been and will continue to be so much to pray about.
How do I tell you this wasn't our chance at expanding our family? How can I express how very difficult this decision was for us? I don't know that I can, because only we can feel the aches in our chest. We continue our wait with faith. We trust God and believe that this precious baby is meant for someone else. That perfect family for him was not us. I ask for your prayers for Joanna and her precious baby boy. They are going through a Christian adoption agency and God will be in this baby's life. There are hundreds of people just like us waiting as well.
I could ask God why bring this opportunity to us if he's not supposed to be with us? I want to ignore all the complications, all the issues and just love a child. I want to change the tracker on this blog to my child's age. I want to fill the bassinet in the nursery. Only because of God do I have a bigger picture, that it's not about blame, anger or regret. Only because of Him and remembering my priorities of God first, then my husband do I know I have much to be grateful for. Part of me doesn't want to care how it will actually happen, I just want a baby to love. I know if I was on the outside, I would believe it's that simple. It's not about bravery. It's not about circumstances or logic. It's about faith. God is working through both of us and we trust He will bring to Billy and I the right child He has meant for us. When that time comes, we will willingly with out reservations accept our future child in to our home, our lives, our hearts.
There's so much more to say, but that will come in time with more perspective. It would be exceedingly easy to let my heart lead. Now I must allow God to lead my heart forward. I can't believe this is an actual post...
Jeremiah 29:10-14
I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back...
We were scheduled to go through the parenting class at the adoption agency this month, but it's a small agency and there were not enough couples to get a class together so we will be hopefully attending in the spring. This change coincides with the economy decreasing the value of our nest egg. So we need some time to build that back up anyway.
I mentioned several months back working on a project with our friend Teresa. It's out on You Tube and since it's a small testimony of the the way God has worked in our lives and hearts during this journey to complete our family, I thought I would share it here for those of you who didn't get to see it in your bible study class at our church this last week:
I'm not sure whether to post this one now or just later in saying here is how this turned out. We received a phone call last night that a friend of a friend is pregnant, unmarried and not in a financial or emotional position to raise their child. There are several complications that are over our heads at the moment including viability of the baby in general....
I decided mainly to mention the basics to ask for prayer in this. We seek God's will above all else...
This song pertains to what ever we're waiting for in life. For us of course, it's a child. It's from the movie Fireproof by John Waller. Enjoy!
While I’m Waiting Psalm 5:3, 27:14, 33:20, 37:7, 38:15, 40:1, Isaiah 30:18, Lamentations 3:24 John Waller
"The explanation for this song is simple, I was waiting on God and I was hurting when I wrote the lyrics. I probably wouldn’t have written a song if my friend, Mike, hadn’t encouraged me to document what I was going through during that time. I’m sure there are few people who can’t relate to this song, but the important thing to remember while we’re waiting on God is to not just wait but to actively wait. Serve, worship and be faithful with what you have, where you are… “even while (you) wait.”
I’m waiting I’m waiting on You, Lord And I am hopeful I’m waiting on You, Lord Though it is painful But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident Taking every step in obedience
While I’m waiting I will serve You While I’m waiting I will worship While I’m waiting I will not faint I’ll be running the race Even while I wait
I’m waiting I’m waiting on You, Lord And I am peaceful I’m waiting on You, Lord Though it’s not easy But faithfully, I will wait Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I’m waiting I will worship while I’m waiting I will serve You while I’m waiting I will worship while I’m waiting I will serve You while I’m waiting I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord
Going down this path has been unexpected. Unexpected opportunities to for Billy and I talk, to keep God and each other a priority. We have prayed from the beginning of seeking a child to not become obsessed with building a family so as not to be unappreciative of the current life God is giving us. We pray to not get so wrapped up in any other goal than glorifying God. I want this to have God in the plot not just on the acknowledgment page. As some other more seasoned people have shared their stories, I become more familiar and more comfortable with the blessings and challenges that are unique to adoption. I wanted to capture my feelings at this stage of the process.
As I become more familiar with resources some terms, phrases and perspectives that I never thought of before come to the forefront. I like the term that who ever is out there considering an adoption plan is doing just that, not giving up or away their child. Abortion is all together unfortunately too accessible in our culture. If the child was truly unwanted or unloved, there are other alternatives. I try to put myself in the mother's shoes, pregnant and unable to provide for the child growing under her heart inside of her own body. I can't help but have compassion for her. I see pregnant women in my circle of friends and see the joy and excitement, even the unpleasant side effects of pregnancy and realize that women out there everyday endure all of that for someone who they will not get to love from up close going forward. If I try, I can feel maybe a very small sense of her struggle. I feel humbled by a mother who loves and wants the best for their child and believes that way is through having us raise them.
Our challenges include waiting, being scrutinized, being matched, meeting and seeing if that match will actually materialize, the possibility of having someone change their mind and deciding to parent the child themselves, the many teachable moments with our child so that they see adoption as a blessing like we do. Our child will have two sets of parents. I'm not new to the concept of having more than just birth parents to love me. I have had what I see as blessing now of additional parents through both my parent's remarriages. My bonus set of parents have added to the person I am today. It actually makes me appreciate them more because they chose to love me when they didn't have to.
We pray to not feel threatened by knowing they will have another set of parents out there. I pray to have a bond with them starting with the love we will both have for a child. We want our child to feel as though they fit and belong with us. I pray for a balance of knowing we are their 'real' parents who will tuck them in each night, love, teach, protect and be there everyday for them. I also know it would be short sighted to not acknowledge a bigger picture and connection of blood lines, genetics, history. I would be curious if I was in our child's shoes and I pray for a Godly balance for our child to feel that it's a positive thing to be adopted in to our family knowing what ever the circumstances that brought them in to this world that God wanted them to be here. They came from love, God's love. To know they weren't rejected and yet not to fantasize about the unknown, to not have where they came from be shrouded in mystery so the past isn't up on a pedestal either. I can't imagine how hard it will be for the tummy mommy as I've heard some say, to walk away. I look forward to sharing letters and pictures as well as building a relationship of trust so that our child will have a face, name, personality to their family of birth.
In a situation where our words can so easily sound trite and canned compared with dozens of other families yearning to have a child, I falter on how to articulate the heart of someone wanting to be a mother. I'm not afraid if I will love them the same or as much as a biological child, because I don't know what it's like to have a child from my body. We will bond through everyday caring and shared experiences not focused on their adoption but with the knowledge that it's not a shameful process. I know I've shared in a previous post my hopes for what kind of parent God will work through us to be. I don't just hope to be a good adopted mom, but a good mother. Adoption is a single step, a one time event that will be a part of but not define the family we will become. I will not introduce our child as our adopted child, but will also not shy away from questions of how God worked to bring our family together. I watched some beautiful stories unfold from the Hallmarkchannel.com site that touched my heart and gave me hope.
I like to think people's perceptions are one of caring and acceptance in this area of adoption, that no one would say, our child is not 'our own' or that we aren't the 'real parents'. I try to not go down that road and just pray for the same grace and benefit of the doubt that frames how God has touched my life knowing people mean well and are just trying to communicate at all about the issue. I can do that with me... thinking of someone saying something insensitive or uncaring to my innocent child breaks my heart. I know I can't protect them from everything, least of all other children who will pick out any difference that they fear or with which aren't comfortable. I think in all things, it's just that sense of appreciation, contentment, thankfulness, just focusing on the positive, instead of the defensive, negative, sarcastic things of the world.
I've come across several helpful resources that I wanted to make note of for future use:
I just subscribed to this magazine, I was very impressed by the issue I got from Barnes & Noble last week. They also have a website and this article choked me up:
It's been easy to think the the mom must be focusing on everything. While this information may not be true in every case, this and the survey information the magazine did launched a very good discussion between me and Billy. The article was named 'The Birth Parent Perspective'. A baby book for adopted children :-) Websites to check out here: I've been starting to realize, this process is our pregnancy. The stretch marks and the growing are internal, so you can't see them. First in just attempting to conceive and now with all the paperwork involved. I've told a few people how in depth this last step was. We mailed it off this last week. My submission was 4 pages typed and Billy's was 7. Here's the request form if you're curious, double click on the picture to see it bigger and up close: Every agency seems to be different in the order and scale of the the process adoptive families are asked to go through. Once we get settled in to the new house, we can have our home study completed. There is also an introduction/ parenting class coming up in October .
In return for submitting the profile to the adoption agency, we receive the next step in the process. For us it's a home study questionnaire requesting us to write an autobiography to be submitted in essay form. Here's a sampling of the questions:
1. Place of birth, places you have lived and length of stay, and moves that you remember. [for me, this is quite a few]
2. Your parents as you remember them during your childhood including: occupations, personalities, health, marital relationship, who was responsible for what duties, and your relationship to each of them as a young child, during adolescence and now.
3. How would you describe your parents in terms of the kind of parent you want to be?
4. Your brothers and sisters: their personalities and your relationship to each of them during childhood, adolescence and now. Also tell how many children in the family and your positions (oldest, etc.) [Telling strangers about Lisa in regard to having a child placed with us just brings up an entirely separate set of emotions]
5. Childhood experiences: who disciplined and how? How did you react? How was praise expressed? How was criticism expressed? What did your parents expect of their children? What goals did they set? What were their values? What did you like about childhood and family functions? What did you dislike? Did you have a nickname and how did you feel about it?
6. Describe your teenage years: What did you like and dislike about your home life? What pressures were present at that time, especially in terms of what other kids were doing?
There are 7 more questions ranging from school, dating, marriage, self and spiritual relationship. Included along with this request is a 'Safe Questionnaire I' that entails 57 more questions about our lives. Billy and I received each our own packet so they are separate from one another. Did anyone else going through this process ever receive an overview of everything that is expected for the entire process? Is it usual to just keep receiving additional requests?
Since I've started using Flock as my web browser, I've broadened my spectrum of blog reading. Since their system scans all the feeds and lets me know only who has new entries I spend half the time looking to catch up with friends. So I've found in my searchings several infertility, adoption blogs (along with some gluten blogs, grief, wonderful Christian women opening their hearts, etc) . The infertility ones have started to make me feel more sad. I began to wonder why that was. This is my own experience and personality talking. It starts building in me a sense of desparation. Scraping for a way to make it happen. Maybe it's just in me time to completely move forward. To close the door. Maybe that's unrealistic, I can never close the door of the grief and loss I have had of family members passing. It's a continual journey. In my own battle it brings up control, as if I have control. That I just haven't found the right procedure, medication, (excuse me for getting personal) position to conceive a child. When did it become all about me and my efforts? I can only do my part, check there. So the rest is up to God. I don't know that if I tried IVF if I would get another infection or not as I did from the IUI. Adoption so far has been no less of a wait, no less vulnerable than our efforts to try to conceive. It definitely seems different for everyone at what point they are ready to start looking at other ways to become a parent.
If I knew the outcome it wouldn't require faith. I can confidently state that I know what God can do. Does that mean He will do that for us? Only He knows how our path to parenthood will end.
I think about what kind of parent I want to be. I want to be a parent that cares more about their spiritual, moral and emotional development than being their friend. Yes, I want to protect my children from harm but I do not want to protect them from the consequences of their own mistakes. I don't want to be their best friend yet I want them to feel loved. I want to prepare them for adulthood and all the decisions and responsibilities so they can be productive members of society. I want them to know I am there for them no matter what decisions they make in life. Mostly I want them to have a personal relationship with God, to know in their hearts they are loved, forgiven and accepted by our Heavenly Father. To live a life that is pleasing to God, not full of perfect choices but one full of thankfulness, appreciation, a heart for others and recognition of their own sin. I don't want the American dream of college, marriage and 2.2 kids. My dream for them is fulfillment and success according to God's standards. Nothing is wrong in and of itself with doing/ having the american ideals unless that's their top priority and goal. I would want my children (especially a little girl) to know true beauty is reflected in the way we treat others not on our exterior appearance to have self respect for herself enough to dress modestly and to not turn to boys for her identity or worth. For a boy to know their value isn't in how much money, how successful they are. I do not want a spoiled child that I am afraid to stand up and be the adult, parent and discipline. I pray when those moments occur to do so in love and with the heart to teach not punish. I pray to give them more of me and less of stuff. I pray they will have the consideration, manners and respect, to be humble and sure of who they are in Christ. A quiet strength that doesn't need to be felt by bragging of accomplishments, putting others down, judging, having the right answers, wearing the right clothes.
Are the already mothers just smiling and shaking their heads? Aren't we the most idealistic, hopeful, optimistic we can surpass any challenge of a task on the brink of it? Why else would we attempt college, marriage , children?? I approached college with the most positive I can do it all attitude. I completed two years, took the courses that interested me in childhood development and was happy with the knowledge I gained there. Does that mean I stopped learning after that?No, my education just took on more on the job training and life experiences than I first envisioned. Marriage is definitely worth every effort. It is effort for two individuals to merge their lives together no matter how much they have in common. No two people will agree on everything. Billy and I try to learn something from our disagreements, it feels like it's less in vain that way for us. We believe it's an opportunity to work on an area of our relationship. Anything rewarding requires hard work and sacrifice. The initial infatuation stage with the obsession is just the beginning of what becomes better and different. I enjoy being at the 4 year stage with Billy, the way we know each other and yet still continue to learn. Does our relationship look and feel like what I thought it did when we were engaged looking towards our marriage? Yes and no. We are human and we both make mistakes, I work on showing Billy unconditional respect every day. The level of communication, intimacy, appreciation, feeling of being a team and having my best earthly friend beside me leading me towards the Lord is priceless.
We've definitely been out of our comfort zone for a while now with packing and moving. I'm still looking for the cable to download pictures from my camera to the computer. It's a good thing in many ways forcing us not to take the blessings we've had for granted. Also in not just saying this is who I am without working on the areas God is prodding me to. The funny side of it is that my normal routine, where things are and how I do them is just off. I'm pretty disoriented and forgetful right now. Yesterday on lunch I was very hungry as keeping up with these precious 4 year olds definitely requires more physically and emotionally than pushing any paper across a desk has in the last 10 years. (Also between gearing up for this work and packing / moving for the last 2 and 1/2 weeks, I'm exhausted at the end of the day). I digress ( I haven't blogged in a while, have a bunch to say, I'm trying to catch up over several entries rather than do a novel) ...
So I went to McDonald's on my lunch yesterday hoping to get something quick and easy for lunch so I could get another errand ran (which I still haven't' gotten done today either for different reasons). I place my order, reach inside my purse for my wallet and.... nothing :-) I apologize to the lady behind the counter because all I have in my purse is a useless checkbook because of course my I.D is also in my wallet. (I'm glad this didn't happen the Thursday before because I got a ticket on my way to work. I had left my wallet in a different purse at the apartment which was too far to get there and back and still be able to eat lunch) They don't take checks anyway and no one is going to take one without I.D. So I form another plan, call near by sister-in-law and pray she's okay with a last minute drop in for lunch. If I don't eat every 2.5 to 4 hours, my sugar level drops resulting in nausea, headaches and increased fatigue if I don't get something to eat. No answer there, so I decide to drop by what's now the "old" house as I know we hadn't quite gotten all of the food out of the fridge and pantry just yet. (we had packed up the kitchen the weekend before and the plastic stuff we'd been using for that week had already made it's way to the apartment) Success though, I discover a steam bag of peas in the freezer, I can just pop in the microwave. Good start, so I continue my search and spy some tilapia fish. hhhmmm, no utensils to open it... I do have a tape gun there though, so I use that and open it up. Nuke that next in the microwave. By now the heat of the house ( A/C was still out, has been fixed since) was getting to me so I turned on all the fans in the house and opened the fridge and freezer doors. I managed to find a sad left behind tupperware container so I could pour some cold water from the fridge door. So there I sat on the edge of the fridge (there are no chairs left in the house, plus it's cooler) eating my lunch with my hands drinking my water ala large tupperware.
I told this story to my sister on lunch and she said it was too funny not to blog. I think it's a testament to what a hungry girl will do for some food.
Also, in the business of last week we did receive confirmation that the adoption agency received our profile. In return we received directions on the next step (around here somewhere) to submit in essay form the equivalent of an autobiography. I suppose different from the 36 pages about us we sent several months ago and our family in that it's not multiple choice answers we are given. But a full history of where we have lived, family, relationship, friendships, etc. So that's what's going on next. I'm looking forward to feeling confident in at least one area of my life right now, still adapting to my new work and home environment, feeling more familiar at church now that it's been 9 months that we've been going there :-)
I am searching for answers only God can answer. While listening to Christian music (975) cable station my mind went to the fact that I only call on God because He's calling on me. What's He calling me for? I've prayed, I've read the stories of women crying out, pleading with God for a child in the bible. I hit a wall this afternoon. One that had me canceling all plans this evening, because all I wanted was God and my husband. I wish I was thicker skinned or stronger. It's my internal should's, no one is saying these things to me, they don't have to.
I'm not coveting although this site provided some very good reminders so that there are no foxes sneaking in to the hen house of my mind on that front. I don't want their babies. I realized today the one thing I do without fail that fills me with the most guilt and shame in regard to infertility. I'm not beating up who I am, I'm just not proud of what I do. I can separate my worth and value apart from my actions. It's when I hear of other people's good news. This is tough enough for me swallow and I do it. I'm happy for that couple and still as soon as I get to a private place, I sob. For several minutes and nothing in particular runs through my head as my heart feels like it's breaking. I feel so awful for this reaction. It's completely illogical to me that some one's happiness brings pain to me. We are called to rejoice with those who rejoice. How ungrateful and bitter it sounds to my own ears. Their news isn't about me. I've had sweet friends take the extra time, consideration thought and care for what we are going through call me as a heads up before announcing it in a large group. I keep thinking there has to be some flaw in my thinking, in my heart, in my view that's effecting my behavior. It's one thing to have pain when I'm told no for the month. It's the same regardless of how the news is presented. For the amount of love and they had for us to know we might need to digest this before being in front of other people is priceless. It's even more special for other's who I know have not been able to get pregnant easily. Knowing it can still happen no matter how many months has passed for us (24) of failed attempts God does bless in His own time. Satan isn't content at just the hurting over joy, he keeps going until it's just this heap over me.
I know it's a blessing, and just like Lucy from Narnia peeking in to a conversation in "Voyage of the Dawn Treader", Aslan tells her she doesn't know what her friendship could have been had she not eavesdropped. I can't help but ask why don't we get blessed? What did I do to block God's blessings for us in this area? A punishment for past sins? What have I done that I have not confessed, that I haven't repented? I'll do it, whatever I have to God. I have the presence of mind to realize it's a non- spiritual trail of thought that satan can easily control. I don't know that any one single mistake in my past says barrenness. Any mistake that hundreds of women haven't made and yet they still receive the blessing of pregnancy. I hope I have had enough distance that I realize where I've failed in the past and what sins I've committed. I realize where I've been a chicken when I should have learned on the strength of the Lord. God will reveal what I haven't realized in His time.
My doubts and lack of control is what it still is. It leads me down such a dark path before I realize I've just allowed satan to beat me down in my own head. As I remember all my sins, I realize how ill-equipped I am, how will I raise a child successfully in the eyes of the Lord?? My sweet friend Amy tells me I'm hard on myself, it's because I'm not content with staying as I am. I don't need external accomplishments, the best job title on the block, higher education or material things. They don't define me, I won't turn away God blessing me with a new job or the new house, but if I never get a job or something falls through with the house, I will not be devastated. I know peace would come because I have faith in a loving God. It's not really about the end goals or if I succeed. Worst case scenario, we don't have children. God isn't going to abandon us, we aren't less blessed, or any less loved by God. I need to know in my heart I have done the right thing. I need to have accountability and be responsible for my actions. Internal growth is what motivates me to get out of bed in the morning. I know I won't ever be perfect and I don't think I'm better than anyone else, I'm just not happy not trying to just be a better person.
Reacting to news is the area I seem to get worse in the longer this continues. My guilt over it has kept me quiet about it, praying it would pass. Maybe because this was on my short list of lifetimes accomplishments. Relationship with God, finally check. Happy fulfilling marriage, finally check. Neither of these came easily though, the common denominator is me. What is it that I'm doing? Because there is still motherhood, will there be a check there? How much will I have twisted myself inside out between now and then. I think to myself it's so silly to get all worked up, we're adopting, we will receive a child to adopt. Relax and just be patient, we are doing everything we can. If only it was so easy.....Let it go to God. I have what feels like an ulcer. I don't know what other sign I need to stop worrying (sin). Sarah says it's my battle scar from going through this. Right now I feel overwhelmed with sending out the profile that we are still working on ( should have been done before we went to Montana), now job searching and going cabin fever within this house. We do have an open house Saturday, so we have to vacate for the afternoon. New house is making progress but our current one isn't sold still, hopefully the open house will produce something. And what I initially thought was indigestion (half hoping pregnancy) and then an infection I pretty much can tell it's an ulcer at this point. Just in case I wasn't feeling any less Christian with my lack of trusting and giving things to God, now I have physical proof that I'm not dealing well. When does it go from thinking to worrying? I recite scriptures to myself in those moments when the questions seem to not stop (Please reply with scriptures, that would be the best comment you could place on this entry). It's the only thing I've found that blocks out all the finger pointing. I've always balked at the label insecure. What does that even mean and why am I so adamant it's a bad thing or that I don't struggle with it? I see this process as asking questions, challenging myself. I couldn't go through life not being willingly to question myself. I do trust God, He's bigger than this and people deal with much more than this on a daily basis. As i say, it is what it is. If this makes me insecure, than I'm insecure. Satan uses anything and everything to his advantage. I need a break from his antics. He's taking a perfectly good growth opportunity and twisting it.
Hosea 6:1-3 Come, let us return to the LORD For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. "He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the third day, That we may live before Him. "So let us know, let us press on to know the LORD His going forth is as certain as the dawn; And He will come to us like the rain, Like the spring rain watering the earth."
We got in last night from spending a week in Montana with Billy's side of the family. There were about 30+ members from his mom's side. We did drive up there, our choice, three days up and three days back. We drove to New Mexico, picked up Billy's parents and aunt. We drove just over the Wyoming border the 2nd day and stayed in a hotel. Day three we arrived in Montana. Yes, it was long, but we were able to see so much scenery, talk, sleep, watch movies on portable DVD players and came up on a movie set. While we were there it was in the 40's with rain and the occasional sleet. Wow, Texas is warm today in the 90's, maybe my skin thickened up a bit or maybe there was just so much beauty I didn't care that I was cold after a while! The mountains, lakes, caverns, canyons, trees, waterfalls,and streams were such an amazing example of the beauty of God.
Sight seeing highlights were Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming and stopping by Mount Rushmore in South Dakota on the way home. Yellowstone had Old Faithful and many other beautiful geysers as well as an array of animals roaming about freely: we saw bears, moose, buffalo, goats, deer and elk. Mount Rushmore is something you really have to see. The heads are 60 feet tall, the mouths 18 feet wide, it's just huge. I was touched to be there.
I got to know several members of Billy's family much better. We had church together as a family, played card games, trivial pursuit, made s'mores, had tons of delicious food made courtesy of Uncle Frank and Aunt Bellena (gluten free for me and Aunt Saundra), went on hikes, did some shopping, went to a museum, a planetarium, hot springs, celebrated a couple of birthdays. We stayed in a cabin with a phenomenal view:
A couple of the women brought their scrapbook supplies, so I took the adoption profile and am now 97% finished. :-)) Billy's cousin Sherri was wonderful to get to know. She brought her scrapbook things and has a precious 4 year old with the biggest eyes I've ever seen. She was 17 weeks pregnant after having four miscarriages. She was so sweet and sensitive to what we were going through and I was able to understand in a small way her individual struggles of building a family. We both agreed one of the hardest aspects of what we have both been going through was other people's expectations on us. A couple of the relatives asked what our family plan was and were very supportive of our desire to adopt. In fact, two of the cousins were adopted in to the family. I had a wonderful time getting to know her as well as Donna, Diane and Latesha, all cousins as well as the aunts, second cousins and the beautiful children who were all so sweet.
I read quite a bit of the Chronicles of Narnia in my down time. I wanted to refresh on Prince Caspian before seeing the movie and also read Voyage of the Dawn Treader (which I really hope they make into a movie of as well). I went back and watched/ read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Some quotes that struck me were when Aslan talks to the other three children after Edmund's betrayal, says "What's done is done, there is no need to speak about what is past". The others get no reason, no right to an explanation. They must just accept that Aslan has forgiven Edmund and that is enough. I get thoroughly immersed while reading which is why I really only do it on vacation or I'd get nothing done in my every day life. "Evil has it's limits and can be defeated" which such a comfort to me. In Alsan's suffering that evil was around but did not change his worth, character or holiness. I definitely can not say the same about myself. I think I have the tendency when things go wrong to either blame myself or others and it varies how far I can take that. My prayer is to give grace on both sides and simply ask for grace for my part, learn and move forward. I admit to sending the last post and leaving, so the closer I got to back home the more nervous I became about it's reception. Nervous because I've been on the receiving of enough hurt to not ever want to be the giver of that. It's why I don't joke around very much as no laugh to me is worth it if it potentially hurts someone's feelings, it's what people pleasers do. It was not meant to disrespect or judge anyone, but honestly an opportunity to be vulnerable which means exposed which is why it's so hard to do. One more quote from C.S. Lewis is "Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at it's testing point." I agree you have to risk to experience courage and I may fall flat on my face, I may expose more complicated issues which I wasn't up to this point aware.
I've been too busy lately to really sit down and sort out my self in my head. Sometimes it takes physical proof to show me I'm stressed. Today I was exhausted due to not being able to go to sleep til 4 this morning and when I did awake, it was with a headache it took 6 hours to get rid of.
With my inability to sleep last night, I ran across a dozen adoption blogs and resources. I found books to read to children at any level to help them process and accept how they came to be a part of our family. Billy had a good point, his concern as the head of our family is to provide and this move will do that. We will have more than enough room to grow a family. I sit and think about how we'll help her handle her adoption. How can I help her bypass the female insecurity roller coaster of body image or male dependency? Purity and integrity? How do I encourage a powerful prayer life for our child with an understanding of God's will that involves an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ as their Savior? I've always thought about the scripture in Luke 2:52- "And as Jesus grew up, he increased in wisdom and in favor with God and people." Wisdom, both spiritual and educational. In favor, that he lead his life in a way that he was loved and respected with both God and men. I see ahead a wonderful and incredible task of rearing a child who will be dependent on me to be their example. It's a weight that I recognize and pray about and know I can point to them the only perfect example they will ever have in Jesus Christ. Here are the top books I'm interested in. What I Couldn't find on the net but have heard about is a tummy mommy book, anyone heard of it?
I actually unknowingly bought this one, seeing the scripture in the inside fold at the store, and got a great surprise upon reading it, that it was a kangaroo's search for a child and how she came to care for a little bird as her own:
I want to be positive in the changes of our home, in adding to our family and in Billy thinking about other job opportunities. I believe it's the more positive approach to make the best out of the situation, see the good coming out of it. At the same time, change no matter how possibly good, takes an adjustment. Our prayers are to glorify God regardless of the results, to understand we are a small part of God's intricate plan. I pray to not take control from God, to not be anxious and to trust. Just because something may bless us, doesn't necessarily mean it is or isn't God's will in a bigger picture sense. I was having a conversation this evening after small group with my friend Katy and it reminded me church isn't about what I get out of it or even what I think about it. It's not this analytical deconstruction and critique of a pastor's delivery. I tend to approach life like that in general, in an objective detached point of view at times. I hesitate, I weigh a situation and then determine my course of action.
My perspective check is.. am I glorifying God? Is my relationship with God alive and am I seeking Him? Do I listen to Him through His word and prayer? Am I at the same spiritual maturity I was at even last year? Is the church I'm attending serving God in His way that God spells out in the bible? Am I keeping the salvation issue THE salvation issue or am I adding on to it in my head? Am I using the gifts from God back to His people? Am I compassionate with people? Do I live out a life that reflects who I belong to? Am I risking? Making myself vulnerable? How much time has to pass before I take the chance to just reach out? Is "building trust with time" a fancy way of convincing myself it's okay to play it safe and never risk possible rejection? How many times do I only share prayers for other people and not really share of myself? Not really letting people know what's going on except for a safe place behind a computer where I don't have to see your eyes...
I don't usually post twice in one day, but fun developments happened today that I had to share with my sweet blog readers :-)
This house showing business is very interesting. They have a service that notifies us when someone is coming to our house to give us a time to vacate before they get there. Since today is our actual first day on the market, our realtor called me this morning about 10 am to say someone wanted to come between 12 and 1:30. I piddled around in a couple stores and then Amy took pity me on me and let me hang out with her since while I was out, a second person wanted to come by at 1:15 this afternoon. So I didn't get much laundry or the rest I was looking forward to after all that yard work this weekend but according to their realtor the first couple was very interested :-) So some encouragement! The sodding quotes are more reasonable than we had heard from others so that should go well too. By the way, thanks Kim and Sarah, yes the pics will be safe and sound at sweet Amy's house and I will look forward to hanging them in the new house. Maybe there WILL be two purple rooms, that makes me all kinds of happy!
We also got notice that the children's home received our packet. They are forming a seminar now for all the families to meet in Portales and I'll need to finish our portfolio by then. We need to find a local agency to do our "safe home study" and sounds like that is off and running.
Today was a busy day and it's not over yet, I'm very sore from all the yard work over the weekend, but very happy with how things are developing :-)
A large part of the last week has been spent preparing the house to go on the market. We started Wednesday taking down all personal photographs. Saturday, we signed with our realtor and she had us pair down on our personal knick knacks that we had out. After she left, we worked on the shrubs and clearing out the flower beds. Sunday after church we spent several hours planting flowers in all the beds. Billy is looking in to quotes for getting the yard re sodded. Between the water restrictions last year and the overgrown tree we've since had pruned, it killed our grass. We don't have time to just let it revive itself since there is already a for sale sign in the front yard plus 4 houses down there is another house for sale. Their yard looks great. We helped some friends move Saturday as well, so I'm pretty happy to be sitting here typing this morning as just about everything on me is sore. Doing laundry and going to the grocery store will be a nice break after the manual labor we have done this weekend. I'm sure it's from watching HGTV, but I enjoy before and after pics, so here goes....
Before:
After
Friday night was spent preparing our book for birth mothers to review for the adoption. Thank you Liesl for your example and to Sarah for your suggestions while I was actually starting on it.
This week has been busy, so thank you for praying for Billy's ct scan he had on Monday for the lump in his lung. The results came in on Wednesday that it was nothing to be concerned about, but they want to do a check up in six months just to make sure. So that's good news :-)
We have been depersonalizing our house this week. I didn't realize how many photographs I had around the house until I filled up a good size box and then some. It feels weird, like I'm living in some random house now. My concern is selling this house more than finding the right one we want, so what ever it takes. We are looking in to re sodding the front yard based on a second opinion we received.
This week I've felt relieved, definitely a burden off my shoulders to have completed the adoption paperwork. Billy and I can just be happy, instead of having the pressure and stress of "trying". There's only so long I can walk around feeling that emotionally fragile. Which is good, because I've found out three more women are pregnant and I can be happy for them without pain interfering with that. I'm becoming a bit more comfortable with being asked if I have children (which happens quite often surprisingly enough) as there is an end in sight and light at the end of the tunnel.
Today, Billy and I slept in and when I awoke he greeted me with breakfast in bed. We went to the police station where they filled out our background check forms (no, we do not have criminal records) and then off to the post office to certify mail a decent size package. From the flow chart they gave us, sounds like the next step is to check on the references we provided for them (all five of them not including the letter our sweet pastor sent out last week on our behalf). Then they perform a home study to see how we live, where the baby would go, etc. I've had a couple of really great conversations with some women about adoption who had alot to share and I'm so blessed they reached out to me. Thank you Jenna, Michelle and Krista! From what I'm hearing from this point it could take anywhere from 12-18 months (estimate) for a baby to be placed with us.
For now, we will work on putting our house on the market. It doesn't feel quite so overwhelming now we've been spending time in the Psalms, it's just helped so much. We went to Home Depot this afternoon to buy a faucet to go with the new sink we bought last week. (We actually got it from Billy's brother who got the wrong color, we loved it, so bought it off him, saved him from having to return it) We have several other fix it projects, toe kick for Billy to replace, headboard for me to finish, etc, etc. Then we are going to ask at least one more realtor what they think about our home. We'll need help finding a new one too. Pretty exciting, we moved around a bit as kids, so one last move and then Billy won't be able to peel me out of this next one.
The day ended with a wonderful dinner that's probably the best one I've made in the two years I've been adjusting to the Celiac. Billy made the awesome gravy and the red sauce is a Homemade Gourmet packet for Buffalo Chicken Wings, Billy thoroughly enjoyed! We baked the chicken with some of my Pamela's Mix and a bit of olive oil, they came out so pretty! I cheated on the biscuits, it's a gluten free mix, Sarah still makes the best ones from scratch :-)
