Light at the end of the Tunnel

So to update from the pro and con list from before, after much discussion, thought and prayer I placed my notice this week at the preschool. In the end it was about being there for Billy and my health. My first earthly responsibility and commitment is to my husband. I know I will cry the last day saying goodbye to the children whom I have come to care for very much. I also feel a huge weight off my shoulders and a break from the guilt I've been experiencing. I just didn't know going in this that it would be as much of a draw on my immune system as it has. I've never had a job for this short of time but trying to remember I'm doing this for the right reasons. God brought that opportunity for reasons some of which I can see, I'm not sure why for so short of time, but that's humbling as well as I've prided myself in loyalty in the past for longevity of previous employment. That is not my identity, even my gifts and talents from God are not my identity.

To celebrate for the first time in a month Billy and I went out on a date :-)) We went to PF Changs ( they have a gluten free menu, makes it sooo easy for me and I HIGHLY recommend the shrimp with lobster sauce, it's on the regular menu as well) and then window shopped for furniture. It was a gorgeous night out and I enjoyed the time to walk in the cool night air with my husband just spending time together this evening. *happy sigh*. I coughed during all of it, but I think much of this energy burst to still go out after a full day of preschoolers is mentally knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you Sarah, Katy, Amy and Brooke for listening over the last couple of weeks and praying through the decision that needed to be made. My people pleaser portion of my personality really kicked in not wanting the directors to think less of me or be mad about my decision. I tapped in to all of that Human Resource experience I've had to be as professional and respectful as possible. I don't want to focus on the negative having sour grapes which is always easy to let out after mentally separating myself from a situation, sort of like a negative form of closure. I have to remind myself at these times that no position, no situation, no person is perfect or ever will be. It's my responsibility to control my thoughts, behaviors and actions. I can focus on the negative or the positive ( the situation is the same regardless), it's up to me.

By the way after hearing several times to drink the water at school, who ever come up with the phrase "drink the water" as a reference to getting pregnant?? I'll lick the water fountain if that's the case :-)
( I know gross image, but you get the jist)

Talents

I've always been told one of my gifts is working with children. Until this last year, it's always something I've done on my terms when and for how long I was willing to commit on a volunteer basis. I knew during these times, the interaction and attention required to really give my all to a child was all encompassing for me physically, emotionally and spiritually.

So when I started last year taking care of Rachel, I expected some draw on me personally. Sure, there were tough days. Now with multiple children of varying personalities, needs and demands it's stepped up several levels. Part of this is an adjustment curve. Another part of me knows it's not something I can do half way. These are small people with which I am investing. I pray I am helping them grow not only intellectually, but physically, emotionally, socially and morally as well. Trying to impart structure, consistency, fairness, manners, virtues etc. I have heard plenty said about teachers and this job has done several things already, given me huge respect for what teachers deal with daily from their superiors, the children themselves, and the parents. This position is also teaching me what I can do to help make this eventual adjustment for our child smoother. I want our children to have structure, education and socialization skills.

The debate that comes to mind is what do I want to do most with my time? Mean a little to many people or mean much to a few (namely my hubby). This position requires sacrifice. I am human and as much as I pray to have as much patience at the end of the day as in the beginning, it's just not always the case. I know when ever we do adopt, that draw will be there for our child as well. I feel guilty to be honest, that I'm jipping my husband from the best part of me. That the best part is being reserved for children who yes I already have a bond with and care for. They are other people's children.

I have had an ongoing mental list in my head of pro's and con's that I thought I would clarify here:

Pro's
LOVE the children
learning so much for future parenting skills
great ideas for curriculum for eventual teaching of our children( praying about home schooling one day)
Using my talents in a realm I feel I can do well
Personally rewarding

Con's
Exhausted when I get home, I don't go to the gym with Billy anymore (which is high on his love language wishes)
Patience level not so good at the end of the day
School not very flexible with time off (upcoming adoption seminars/ home study, etc.)
Not the best paying
Monthly staff development meeting that fall on a Wednesday ( miss out on bible study once a month)
Sick every couple of weeks

I feel guilty at this point even thinking about quitting on these children who I have come to care very much and who hug and tell me they love me too. I also feel very guilty feeling as if my husband is receiving left overs. I have a life time commitment to him. That commitment to my husband has to trump my own selfish need to be professionally fulfilled. I just don't believe anything is supposed to come before that except my personal relationship with Jesus. I guess I share all this to now say I'm in prayer about what to do next. I'll be staying until we get moved either way, (5 weeks and counting) so I have time to have God speak to me showing me which way to go.

Speaking of prayer requests, Nathan surgery went well today, he should be home by tomorrow recovering with his sweet wife :-) Yesterday was also my niece Ashley's 17th birthday. This last month was many 4th anniversaries. Lisa's death. Four years since the only car wreck I have ever witnessed in person that involved 4 dear friends. It was so good to see Nathan, Amy and Lance yesterday regardless of the reason last night. We were thinking about you Andy in Austin. Also, my brother Alan died 4 year ago yesterday as well. He was my brother by marriage, we don't use step in our family. It's probably one of the most positive things my mom did to help us see each other as family. It's what gives me hope that our child will not just be seen as the word adopted in front. Not that there's anything wrong with the fact that our child will be adopted, but I just don't want any layers or terms indicating we aren't as close just because we don't share the same blood. God adopted us all as His children to be co-heirs with Christ.

August Weekend

It's different blogging now getting used to this job. I feel all talked out to an extent doing my part to help train up children during the day. When I get home, I have theorized, lectured, imparted advice and repeated myself more times than I want to. But also I haven't had much time to really think and when I get home I'm too tired and really just want to relax. For the first time in several years I don't have contact with the outside world during the day, so I feel less connected. I still have the rare phone calls with precious friends that are so meaningful I don't know I don't have them more often. Silly introvertedness that I will continue to battle. All that to say, I do have much to say I'm just so tired at the end of the day it's hard to get it out. All part of the transition that I willingly do for love of the kiddos. Funny I used to review entries with a fine tooth comb for grammar, punctuation, wording, and spelling. Now if you're still reading through my typos and my rush to say what I want to say and not neglect my husband or home I know you are letting your love cover a multitude of my errors. I can't even claim I'm getting over my perfectionism, I'm just tired and counting on your mercy. So, thank you!

Not really what I meant to start typing when I thought about doing a blog entry this evening. I do have updates pics of the house I wanted to make sure I put on here so I have copies ( you know in case there's ever a fire, I have the blog to preserve things) At some point I'll repost the ones that were lost when I revoked myself off the account about a month back.

Friday I had lunch with my sweet friend Katy, she's so kind to come close to my work to give me sweet encouragement to help me get through the end of my week :-)


Friday night, Billy and I went to see our niece Sydney in her church play. We are so proud of the talent she uses for the Lord:
We all 6 went out to dinner afterwards then drove by the new house to see the brick work done. Syndey very sweetly gave me a hug goodbye and while still hugging my waist said she didn't want to move. I just love her sweet heart.

Saturday we took it easy sleeping in. Billy made me breakfast in bed and we had a date night. I was battling a headache most of the day and evening, but it was so nice to get out just the two of us at a place that has a gluten free menu and enjoy each other's company.

Sunday we went to first service which was out of our normal routine. We worked on a project with our sweet friend Teresa during second service:

I can do anything I want

I heard the words above spoken back to me this morning by a four year old determined to assert her own will after being reminded of the rules. Later after being asked to stop touching something she wasn't supposed to, she looked at me did it again and stuck her tongue out. On the way home, I started praying to God to love this child as He loves me and asking what would He do... then stopped. What did He do for me in my early 20's determined to assert my own will? He loved me, in the face of my equally rude rejection of my Lord, He still loves me.

So much of this job makes me think about what kind of parent I want to be. It's such a nice thought to tell a child they can be anything they want to be. True from the angle of potential. None of us gets to do anything we want to do without consequences catching up with us at some point or another. We all have rules to follow.

This afternoon's infant class contained one screamer. Sweet babies are so empathetic to the emotional climate room in the room that he sent every other child off eventually. It was three hours of screaming babies. It hasn't happened in the month I've been there that both classes have just had a bad day. I drove home from work with complete quiet in the car, no radio, no phone. I sit here in a totally quiet apartment relishing just a bit of sanctuary until Billy gets home from the gym. (After being all my feet all day and having my mental, emotional and physical states all working all day, I just don't have it in me to go right now)

Working with children doesn't get much respect I know. To some out there from the outside, it may not sound very important. I choose this position to make a difference in children's lives. The age they are out, they will probably not remember me as adults. I don't remember every teacher but I know every one of them contributed to the person I am today. It may be little recognition and not too much appreciation at times but I love the children and I'm using my gifts and helping.

While pushing the infants on the buggy in the afternoon ( we needed to get out of the class for a distraction), I passed by my morning 4 year old class and several children asked me why I was still there or why I wasn't with them. I received a couple of hugs as well. I really really needed that.

Rewards

I've chosen a different job to use skills and gifts that God has blessed me with quite earnestly in part so that I don't feel quite so acutely the void of not being a parent. I feel as though I'm preparing for that role better by seeing different personalities, learning more ways to approach and guide young minds. When mommy conversations come up I feel as though I can bring something to the table. I know I don't always have to do that, there is a time for simply listening and supporting others. Other co-teachers ten years younger than I am admit to going home tired daily. I swapped out financial compensation (this was definitely a pay cut) for emotional rewards. To feel as though I'm making a difference in a child's life. At what point does my fulfillment and using my gifts for God balance out with what it takes away from my marriage? At work I spend hours being patient, repetitive in reminding social, behavioral and moral rules, breaking up tiffs, soothing fragile emotions. I'm on my feet all day for the first time in about 10 years as well. I'm sure every teacher what ever you teach deals with this daily. This environment and what it requires from me personally is new to me. I want to put my all in to it as children are something I care about passionately. If I have a bad day or lose my patience it's a child that suffers not a piece of paper or a task. I'm working this and other things out mentally and just wanted to delve in to a bit to help me sort through on paper. We've also had the added stress of packing and moving since the week after I started.

I'm sure things will settle down. My co-teacher and I are getting on the same page for the 4 year olds which I'm so thankful for as it makes the time more enjoyable. My co teacher in the infants is going back to college in about a week, so that will change. I learned yesterday it's transition time which makes sense as it's coming up on a new school year. So all these 4 year old personalities I've been getting to know and care about will change on the 18th. I wish I could take pictures of their little faces, they truly are precious.

"All things are possible with God"

Family & School

The Turnbow household is definitely in motion. Belongings moving towards boxes and tubs around our house. All neatly labeled and maddeningly organized. Running errands, and preparing for the move in general. I've taken pictures of the progress as things are safely stowed for the next couple of months. I'll post them sometime, I'm really tired tonight and have a headache so I'm about to head off to bed. It's been a long week on a couple of fronts. I told you about Lisa, well my other sister Leah went to the emergency room on Thursday with breathing issues. Bronchitis and orange ozone alerts were just a couple of factors. Thankfully she was released after receiving a steroid/ cortisone shot after the 4 breathing treatments were unsuccessful.

The kids have been saying some really sweet things I wanted to remember here:
One little boy was raving about his friend next to him. I asked him why they were such good buddies. He said "because he crabs me up" Which crabbed me up very much.
Another little boy who can only be described as the twin from the mad magazine cover asked as I was rubbing his back for nap time if I love him. I said yes and he rolled over and went to sleep. *sweet sigh*
We've been telling knock knock jokes as we cool down from recess time. The girl version is... kk.. who's there? Princess ... Princess who? Aren't you glad I didn't say transformers? :D The boy version is the reverse. I proceeded to tell the banana one where you say banana at least 4 or five time until you finally say , orange you glad I didn't say banana? They are much more patient with this joke than adults.
Thank you for everyone who has been so kind with my classroom management questions. I've had quite a bit of formal training from school. It is such a big change from one to 20 and just like pre marital counseling, the more tools you have in your toolbox the better. I do see Rachel during the day as we are transitioning to classes. She saw me first today and the reason I know that was because I turned around when I heard a crying child to see her through the class doors looking right at me. I waved and blew kisses like the silly mad woman I am. She laughed in return and then went back to her business in the computers. My class was on the way to music studio when that occurred today and we've been doing a pretty neat activity in there where the children take turns singing songs. There is some twinkle twinkle, with kung fu panda, transformers and Disney songs. They are so sweet standing next to me picking a song and I high five them when they are done.

Whistle while you work

Or in my case this week, sing, dance, read books, help to teach 21 4-year olds Spanish, computers, art and dance. Wear hats of referee, fairness judge, etiquette guider, being an example of self control, kind words and nice actions. (Moms are nodding that they are required to do this all day) That occurs before lunch. After lunch I am a human play toy for the infants (we have the crawlers, we get them when they can sit alone and they move on when they can walk) while adhering to all parent instructions of feeding, changing and sleep schedules. They are all on different schedules. As per the three manuals I have accepted and signed off on, I can't talk much about the specifics as the techniques alone are priority information. I am very open to suggestions of any one's experience of what has worked for them for pre-school/ kindergarten. I won't be stating the name of the school here in the blog and if you know and I have happened to share with you in person, please do not include it in the comments section.

The transition between one sweet 2-year old and the multitudes has me thinking quite a bit of loving children as God does. Every one of them, even the sweet little dears who struggle to listen, obey and/ or be respectful. I am the newbie and they are testing boundaries to see what they can get away with on me. I think this is one of the reason I didn't chose substitute teaching, although wonderful flexibility, I don't think I would have ever felt "in the know" regarding unspoken class rules, behaviors, schedule and what normal looks like and what to expect.

This position is an answer to prayers. I am very glad to be making a difference in children's lives. It is rewarding to start receiving hugs this morning on day 4 that the children are getting used to me. Anything worth doing well requires sacrifices, so I am grateful for the sore throat and arms. Sore throat from trying to get the attention of the older ones (without screaming) and the arms are from rocking all the sweet babies to sleep in the afternoon. I'm a completely different kind of tired from this job than any other. I not only do still want my own, but hope to gain invaluable first hand experience on how to raise ours. The only true struggle that I am having now is that there are required staff/ training meetings every first Wednesday night of the month which will interfere with Small Group. I'm in prayer about this....