Monday Morning Musings

I'll say what's first and for most on my mind. I have been sick to my stomach off and on for over a week. At this point I don't think it's food. (Pictured, one of my favorite GF alternatives, Pamela's Baking Mix.. just sub for any flour in a recipe) Gluten effects last for 24 hours and I've learned enough to stop eating after the first day of an offending item, to knowingly cause my body repeated damage. I've been very tired too and am due for my b12 shot on Wednesday. In the back recess of our mind we hope it's... but it's such a risky thing to get our hopes up. I do have to brace myself that maybe this is anxiety or just PMS as I'm due to start Thursday. Even if I was, then there is this unspoken, you shouldn't say anything for the first three months, I already warned a few friends, when/ if I finally I.. I am going to be so obnoxious. The word hope comes up quite a bit in all of this. God says we are to have hope, it's what keeps us going every day, hope of salvation, hope of ending of pain, suffering, hurt. God promises hope does not disappoint. I've been reading, as my discouragement starts to weigh on me, stories in the bible of women who have dealt with this. Hannah is such a relief to read; that another woman wept, pleaded, begged God, that it wasn't about her husband being enough. There was an empty spot in her soul. Yes, God is enough and if we never have a child, I will be blessed with the wonderful Lord and Savior, husband, family, friends, church, home, job. I still want one. I have my whole life. From growing up playing house with barbies and baby dolls with my 2 sisters, my brother's storm troopers and GI's stood in as grooms and daddies to having a dozen nieces and nephews who have been my guinea pigs of pseudo parenting for the last 16 years.

This is what parts of the last 15 months have been like. A cycle of trying, anxiousness, hope, and disappointment. We try everything we have ever even heard MIGHT work, then wait the two weeks to see if our efforts our successful. I read in to my body any little thing that might be different and when that first spot of blood appears, well it's been quite painful and a dashing of the hope for that month.


I didn't do much Saturday or Sunday. Billy and I made our walk Friday night, half way through it started raining, almost took a pic of my camera phone of us two drowned rats but didn't want to damage my cell. Maybe I just caught something walking in the rain as we were on the far side of Celebration Park when it started down pouring. My incredible husband cleaned the house, made me dinners, went to church by himself, did the grocery shopping and picked up the school supplies for the kids in the Ukraine. I really can't imagine going through this with anyone else. Billy is the most humble servant leader that I can't begin to deserve. He has today and tomorrow off which he completely deserves/ earned to play on his computer. He has more vacation time than I do every year as he's been with his company 9 years verses my 3.


Here is a pic of my contribution for the weekend. Most of my weekend was spent curling up on the couch, sleeping alot and trying not to move my body as much as humanly possible so I would not throw up. I did rearrange and clean up my craft room, got the computer cart out of the guest room closet and put my old sewing machine out on it. I kept a handful of childhood stuffed animals and said goodbye to 3 boxes of a teddy bear collection that was at least 20+ years old and had seen their days. I pictured a dialogue playing out much like Toy Story with the poor neglected animals going off to the garbage heap. My sweet husband promised to donate them, with a bit of clean up, they should perk back up and give some child much enjoyment.


My niece Ashley's birthday was Saturday, she is the oldest, just turned 16. That's her with her little brother Mark. I have a different special connection with each of my siblings children. Ashley in ways is a little me, with the way she learns and looks. She is also a personality all unto herself with her outgoing smile, tender emotions and artistic ability. I'm blessed to have been in her life for 16 years.