A Changed Life

     Within the Christian community there are unspoken norms and behaviors. I wasn't raised in a close knit faith community. I do not have behind me generations of people in the faith. High school youth group is when I began learning. I was surrounded by a group of God loving, kind, fun and very forgiving people. The journey to Christ did not run smooth. After graduating from high school and losing that group, I had lost the support and only people I know and felt safe. I felt like I no longer belonged. No one in my family could lead me through what to do or where to go next. It would take me several years with much heart ache and seeing the natural conclusions of some faulty beliefs to get back to pursing Christ.  By then, I had become an adult surrounded by a group of still loving believers and while they were forgiving as well, the mistakes I was making were adult sized ones. I know my lessons were painful for not just me, but others as I struggled to navigate how to belong within this frame work. At first I felt as if I could be more of the real me with my non-believing friends, because it seemed those whom had been blessed to grow up with in the church couldn't relate what I had to share. From my outsider perspective, they seemed to recoil when specifics were brought up of my childhood and the years spent not recognizing my need for God. I felt most at home and still do to a large extent with those who are openly broken.

I respect self control. I'm over all a positive person who believes the best and strives to see the good in people and circumstances. I appreciate having normal light-hearted fun conversations, but at the core of how God made me there is safety in vulnerability, honesty and transparency. Chit chat is not now, nor will ever be my preferred method of interpersonal communication.

Don't get me wrong, I don't find joy in complaining because God doesn't. I embrace the hope, comfort, peace and security of having God in my heart. I understand I can't be best friends with everyone I meet. We all have full plates of immediate and extended family, work, home and other priorities and responsibilities. That being said, I sense a certain amount of raising futility within myself of seemingly endless circles of surface conversations.

When someone opens up their world and their heart along with all of it's imperfect beauty, something in my soul rises in admiration and respect. There is a  heart connection in those moments. There is a freedom that allows one to speak or write. The expression itself, honors that part of themselves that can't be quieted. Whether that's out of grief, disappointment, hurt or anger; those emotions have been given a place of validation. I'm not suggesting to give them free and complete reign. Emotions themselves are neutral. The decisions, choices and thoughts we chose to respond with are the defining factor reflecting our foundational beliefs, views and opinions.

As a believer in a loving, just, powerful, omnipotent, forgiving, law setting, accepting God, I am called to go first to my best friend, creator and Father for comfort, advice and intimacy. Seeking Him and remembering His character, promises and love sets the premise of how I respond to life's events. He alone with grace and the power of His love can handle the full gambit of emotions including but not limited to sadness, conflict, grief, joy, frustration, injustice, fear, rejection, excitement and silliness. His word, prayer and Godly council are what I consider and act upon.

An unspoken rule I learned is when asked how are you, you say fine, how are you? End of story. Neat, clean and you both get credit for consideration and thoughtfulness even if neither of you are telling the truth. There seems to be a compelling need to show our best, smartest, strongest. The pursuit of the American definition of success and dreaming has infiltrated our churches. The place to go and bond over our mutual ongoing need to become Christ-like becomes where you tell conversion stories and how 'you used to be'. Expressions of pity and prayer are spoken for those that are making unwise choices, but that surely isn't us. We are the church. We are saved. We have no problems, ahem.... We talk of others, health, jobs-- those things that happen to us but do not reflect any weakness or failure in, not our armor of God but, our personal armor of reputations, acceptance and success of the great Christian. We deserve and strive for worth to be included and belong in the inner circle of successful church attenders. The facade is extremely difficult and draining to maintain for extended periods of time. Maybe it was just me trying so hard to belong, to put my past behind me and say, please accept me. Please show me the kindness, forgiveness and acceptance that Christ has. Show me the lies I've been told indeed are not true and that you will accept me even when I show you I'm not perfect.

In the end, not everyone is going to want to be my friend. Not everyone will see the good in me. Not only will everyone not agree with me but will do so to the degree that agreeing to disagree or growth through respectful discussion isn't an option. I will hurt, disappointment and frustrate those around me, we all will. Disagreements and differences of opinions are inevitable. Personality styles and approaches alone can bring tension and misunderstandings. The decision to love with the love of Christ is divine and only possible through His grace. Each of our definitions and unspoken expectations of a "Christian" effects our reception of each other. We are all the walking wounded in one form or another in this fallen world and it would be amiss of me to elevate those that appear to have all the spiritual, family of origin, financial, educational and physically appealing advantages with an ensuing negative label. I would be buying into and enlarging the gap between the haves and have-nots. We all struggle.

For me, that's the great equalizer, that's the safety. We all have successes too and there is a rejoicing in that. But we live in a very performance driven world and those humanistic values seep in subtly in goal setting, organizing, achievements, certifications, diplomas, medals, accomplishments. Go, do, earn, prove, gain, accumulate. Within the church body, there is talk of pulling the emotions, growing the numbers, defending the status quo, gripping on to traditions as if it were our salvation. They slowly define our worth. Failure or success? To what end? In whose eyes? All of that can be taken away. Relationships, finances, material goods and services. We have the daily opportunity to use these comforts, advantages and results of modern technology for God. Rather we spend the time on our own momentary happiness of whatever the entertainment culture sets as the acceptable in dress, language, morals, values, violence. We, like the frog in the pot on the stove put in ever so slowly warming water, just continue to adapt and fail to be aware of our own impending future if we stay in that environment.. There is nothing new under the sun. The human life experience is a struggle for everyone. It's a different area of difficulty for each of us and that can set a foothold for comparison and pride. The "I don't struggle with that" puffed up mind set. "I'm doing God's will" and assuming that should be God's will for everyone. We seek validation sometimes in how many people are with us and sometimes in in our conviction that if we alone go against mainstream that in itself proves our righteousness. 'They must not have great faith or aren't mature enough' labels abound secretly, quietly, smugly. No one regardless of  a myriad of talents, blessings or gifts is exempt from the pain that comes with life. Should all of our energy be focused on escaping pain, we all will surely miss the beauty. Press in to God, seek his strength, power and grace to allow refinement and most of all His glory and the power of the Gospel. Mistaking God's blessings as His approval of our decisions is equally faulty logic. God blesses every one of His children differently and not because we're worthy.

The details of my time as a prodigal are insignificant unless it helps draw someone else closer to God and His purpose for their life. I live forgiven and accepted and I have no desire to search for the freedom I've already been given from anyone else. God knows my heart and my repentance, that's where it starts and ends. I don't owe anyone details or to hang my head in shame. I'm forgiven. I embrace tightly to that. It's the freedom of mercy and compassion. It's liberating and it's compelling. It's exhilarating and life changing. It's the healing of a heart that was searching for just that. Every heart wants what God has to offer. He made us to need Him.  It would only make sense that the one who created the hole would be the single source to fill it up so completely with no reservation or strings attached. God continues to refine me and in so many ways I am not that person anymore. She is unrecognizable to me. Maybe part of it is the sheer passage of time, but that would be an incomplete answer at best and not giving credit to the Healer. I'm a new person in Christ. That, I'm not ashamed to talk about. Part of me will always feel like an outsider since my formative years were not spent in this culture and climate. But I know to the depths of my soul that I belong to Christ. Remembering my past reminds me of how magnificent the God I serve is. Satan no longer has a hold on me. That's the Gospel in my life.

God gave me a second chance and sometimes I sit back and survey the landscape of that which he has given since those darkest days and I'm overwhelmed. He's so generous. He's so lavish. I did not and will never 'deserve' this life I'm living. I will honor the giver of it all and serve Him with joy and thanksgiving to the depths of my soul. I will live out the forgiveness in humble service to Him with everything I have. Without Him I would not be here in so many ways figuratively and literally. He has saved me body, mind and soul. When people talk about how forgiveness might give a license for disobedience and further sinning, I'm so bewildered. I can only surmise they have never truly been forgiven for that which even they in their own hearts deemed unforgivable. Merely typing it brings tears to my eyes.

Make no mistake, I need to be renewed daily. I don't dare ever deceive myself that sin or even my greatest sins are a thing of the past. I'm a human being and sin is in me. I will never be perfect and that is not my pursuit. I was not saved merely for a life left to my own pleasures and comfort. I was saved for Him. I pray to recognize the daily calling where God directs to use me in my circle of influence. I pray for the courage to step out and be vulnerable sharing those events when it brings someone else comfort or a kinship of struggle or  that someone else knows the church is not a daunting place filled with people that can't be real or for what ever purpose God has in store that is too complex for me to fully understand this side of Heaven. The church is every believer and for 13 years that has included me. I bring the testimony of a changed life. I bring myself- flawed, goofy, quirky, needy, crafty, with the gift of mercy that God has bestowed on me, over thinking, sometimes over sharing, awkward, weird little me. Use me how ever you'd like, God.

Maybe it was watching the powerful story of how the grace of Christ changed a man's life and heart in Les Miserables the other night or maybe it's because next Thursday is the anniversary of my baptism that these words are calling to be said. I pray what ever the catalyst, I never forget the amazing grace that saved a wretch like me. As always, I also pray that God would use these words from these kinds of posts for His purposes. Amen