Worry about Yourself

Have you seen the YouTube video of the little preschool aged girl wrestling with the buckle on her car seat? After presumably being offered unwanted help, she lets her daddy know he should just "worry about yourself!"

I think that sums up my connection with people right now. The desire to feel connected, included, valued is just not clicking. I have to look inward and figure out why not and why it bothers me so much that it is not. I'm not encouraging selfishness, there's more than enough of that to go around. There have been some great reminders from a friend and from our bible class to look inward and manage my own emotions. The reminder to not be codependent on others for validation, worth, value, support, encouragement, etc. etc... The reminder to not pour that out on others or put the responsibility on them for my ability to be joyful and peaceful. God gives me my worth and in a world of convenience and ease, hard internal work is not valued. Easy, comfortable, fun is. Goals and achievement are of high value while being lost is people, their needs, hearts, hurts and disappointments. As long as I look put together, successful, talented, confident, I have succeeded in Image Management 101. I've successfully added to the Stained Glass Masquerade that Casting Crowns sings about so beautifully.

I came to know Christ through a good friend's invitation to church in high school. I found a wonderful supportive, accepting teen group that I went to summer camp with for a few years, travel teams ( it's a lutheran youth group thing) retreats, etc... Then we all graduated from high school and everyone went their separate ways to college, military, etc. Still rather new church girl, stumbled and slowly, never intentionally slipped away. A slow fade if you will, little choice by little choice. In college, I met a few Christians through my part time jobs, but those eventually faded out as well. I'll be clear, it's absolutely no one else's job to uphold my faith, define me or give me value. 20 years later, I know that. Then, I was just stumbling and didn't see anyone else around me weekly going to church, to read the bible, answer my questions and pray with.

Why is this story on my mind? Because I've been going through a major social change. I've been very hurt by the lack of support and presence of long time friends. I ask around and everyone else accepts the change, moves forward with little emotion and a rather positive outlook about the difference. I'm a major introvert with a quality time love language. Making good close friends where I can be transparent and vulnerable is HARD for me. I am convinced that I get worse at it the older I get, I may be becoming more set in my ways....:-/ Finally, in my small group last week after watching a video of Matt Chandler sharing a portion of his conversion story, I get a huge lump in my throat because I'm relating and also because God is working on my heart to give me a sense of peace and healing for the rising panic that's been in my heart for months.

I'm not that 18 year old girl anymore. I have an amazing God fearing husband, other friends and most importantly I KNOW I can trust God to not let me go. I know how to reach out to Him and renew and ask even when I don't know what it is I need at the moment, because my Creator does. I can have peace and let go, moving forward happily and with love because I have all that I need. I can't nor do I want to guilt, put pressure or passively aggressively send out subtle messages. To be clear, this is my struggle and if it hadn't been this circumstance, it would have been another one. God had work to do in this area and I'm SO glad He has.

Mind you, I knew a change was coming with our non-traditional educational choice, I just thought I had one more preschool year before I had to do so. God has other plans and let's be honest it's always harder when He reveals is plan to someone else and not directly to us when we are so personally effected.Getting on board with God's plan and timing for me has always included feelings of discomfort, anxiety, confusion and loss of my dream. In hindsight of other times, God has ALWAYS had great love, grace, growth and mercy in store. His plans are always better.

That dark time away from God in my early 20's humbled me. I eventually came back with an fire I didn't have before, a recognition of my personal and specific need for Christ's grace. I made the poor choice, but God used it to grow me and I have the faith and trust in Him that He will continue the good work He's started in me until I get to see Him face to face.


Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay