Summer and Fall 2013

Here's the catch up I've been working on for a while now.....
In many ways, this year was a quiet summer with out my usual outlet here to get some things off my chest. In other ways, it's been a hectic summer with two moves. First in April to an apartment with a broken foot and finally in August to our new home that was finished being built. Our old home sold in two days, so while that let us off the hook of having to worry about two house payments, we also needed to find a temporary place to live for 4 months with my broken foot and two very active boys under the age of four during a hot summer. We also experienced a miscarriage in that time period as well, our second in as many years. So ,in a way I'm glad to have that time to solely process and frame all that happened in a way that allows movement, healing and going forward. In the fall, after setting in to our house we discovered we were pregnant again. We were much slower to announce or share even with our closest family and friends. The roller coaster had taken it's toll on our hearts, mind and bodies as well. Building and growing a family has been one of the most faith building struggles and exciting period in my life. I'm incredibly grateful for the privilege to carry a child, for what ever time has been allowed. I'm grateful and humbled when I have met both of our sons. As I am both a third child as well as the third of the same gender, I was truly so excited to discover the baby I'm now able to carry is a precious boy as well. Not just 'another', not a consolation prize, not a disappointment. Girls are amazing and I grew up with two wonderful sisters, but also knowing that my oldest sister had three beautiful boys before leaving this earth and never got to meet mine makes me feel indescribably close to her and like a beautiful gift. Losing her was the most painful shocking thing I've experienced as an adult and this does feel like a gift from God because He knows. We have a small family, but in my heart I really have a big one. I think of the failed adoption attempts before having Matthew and the now two babies waiting to meet us in heaven and I can't wait for us all to be together one day.

I've put off blogging too because in many ways when I'm pregnant I feel raw, sensitive, exposed and emotionally a bit fragile. I'm sure anyone reading this is running through and reading it normally silently to themselves. I am wiping tears from my eyes every few minutes, because life right now is so beautiful. I know there are no guarantees in life and I treasure and am so undeserving of the place God has brought me to right now. God blesses us all massively and uniquely and individually because of His great love for us. It's overwhelming at times what He allows us to do even though sin is still in my heart, mind and life every day. Selfishness, impatience, irritation, judgement, resentment, taking offenses and giving them, missing opportunities to be generous, inclusive and grace giving. The list for this is also massive. It's what keeps me close to the cross.

I was so thankful in a recent discussion of the mommy wars on comparison, judging and competition that someone lovingly said, "I don't care. I don't care what other people are doing with their children and families." It wasn't an uncaring statement, she's one of the most tender hearted compassionate people I know. The truth in that is so freeing. It's not a contest, this is no ONE way. We aren't cookie cookies, God works through our lives in a unique way just as He does through yours (who ever is reading this) and they are both beautiful and flawed and exciting and bittersweet.

I am enjoying the sweet kicks of this little guy. I'm enjoying having a 2 & 1/2 year old and 4 year old who are playing more and better together (not 100% of the time of course) but do have this growing beautiful relationship. I am enjoying play dates and crafts and baking and homeschooling and Christmas Advent and even the recent ice storm that kept us indoors for 5 days. I'm humbled to apologize to my children when my selfishness overrides what's best for them and how God has charged me to be stewards of their souls and hearts for such a short time. My goal isn't independent children ( they will HAVE to depend on God to get through), or responsible children (our economy shows us hard works doesn't owe you anything) or even just kids who believe in God (most of the world does that with no relationship, sacrifice, yielding of will or even a nod at the grace, obedience and light of God) I needed some refocusing, to remember over the last 8 months that moral, well behaved children isn't my goal. Passionate followers of God willing to trust God with wherever He leads them to further His cause is. I also needed to know in my heart (it was in my head) that boys are different, not worse, not better. Just far different than the girl lead house I was raised in with a strong single mother and a baby brother who was vastly outnumbered. They are gloriously strong, smart, funny, spirited, physical and hands on. I'm so glad I'm not in what I was comfortable and known, because then I could rely on my own experience, strength, knowledge and strength and I would fail as I've always done when that happens. I'm unbalanced, awkward, making mistakes, trying again and learning and praying and asking forgiveness. It's beautifully messy and I wouldn't trade it for all the confidence in myself for anything.