The Outsider

Our topic in bible class this morning is still on my mind. I spoke up with a thought I had from an outside perspective of not growing up in the church.............. and then just like that I felt like one, an outsider. I rarely think about it in those defining and separating terms. It's a struggle at times to be a first generation Christian with out close example or mentoring.There are times I am tempted to revert back to what I have known and been comfortable with, what I was brought up with and then I remember I'm not that person anymore.  Some of those unspoken expectations I've written about before truly are off putting. I have had people question my love for Christ simply because how I did it didn't match up with theirs. My husband who does have generations of believers that came before him patiently and with compassion walks me through it. He's told me that I challenge him and keep him from being stagnate. There are strengths from both that God works through daily in our immediate family of four. We often refer to our home as our bubble. The outside doesn't penetrate that which God has set apart. 

God's direction

 Satan is so good at taking what could be used for God's glory and playing on our fears, hurts and insecurities. In a desire to share what was on my heart, he gets in there and ruins it. So many times in sharing my heart, experience, opinion, life or expectations, there is the downer, the doubter, the skeptic. What could have encouraged, helped, inspired or been a benefit is now seen as bragging, being overly positive or seeking attention.  *sigh* His tricks aren't new and yet can still be discouraging when I worry too much about what other people think, do or say.

Then I look to God and remember I belong with Him. I pray and read His words and I know I'm where I'm supposed to be.  I hold my husband's hand and am thankful for the life God's brought me to. I giggle with my 3 year old or cuddle my 20 month old and I forget about labels, receptions and looks from other people. I remember what God has done and how He's always been there even when I didn't see Him and didn't know how to look for Him. It makes me want to help others know the peace and joy.

We all have a testimony, a unique story to point others back to God. I could spend my time just blending in, denying that I'm different. But, I'd surely miss a front row seat of God's work and being used by Him. I could waste my time on my wants, conveniences, irritations and personal needs or I can trust God. I can go on about how the world doesn't look like heaven and rave about injustices, different opinions and judge others intents, mistakes and past. I could waste all the time God has granted or I can chose to be satisfied right where I am. I can chose to be self conscious and worry what others will think about me or KNOW how God sees me and admit specifically my failings, past and present messy circumstances.  I can doggedly find out what all the correct 1950's things are to do in the church so I can be part of the in-crowd or I can have peace being myself even if that means sticking out and being different. I can search for identity in a clique based on my same age, past, college, marital status and children's ages or I can appreciate each person and their reflection and value from God regardless of how much or little we have in common. I can be so concerned to checking off my to do list, being successful, well dressed and well versed or I can risk looking foolish and just be ME knowing God has got this. I want to set that example for my boys, to risk, to be brave. To be bold and act on faith. To grow daily in their understanding or God and His calling on their lives.  I have to remember the reason for everything goes back to God and His love for us. That my focus is to bring Him glory by loving Him and everyone around me.

One of the many ways that homeschooling appeals to our family besides focusing on our particular schedule for daddy's work, faith, family, being a good steward of His finances is that it's more like normal life after school. No where else after college are we only surrounded by people within 10 months of our age either way.  We chose that afterwards because that's what we've had for at least 13 + years. Yes, I also know especially belonging to a church with a preschool attached we are still seen within our own church as outsiders due to this choice. I don't make the choice to be labeled that, it's simply what God has lead us as to what's best for our family. I'm pretty convinced God doesn't care about the name on the building of the church I go to. I also remember God being there as we sought through prayer and counsel what was best.

We live a gluten free life style due to Celiac. I make most of our food from scratch including bread due to our health condition. Reading ingredient labels began ensuing research on manufactured and processed foods. The fewer and the simpler the ingredients that comprise of the foods we ingest, the better example we can give our children to nourish their bodies in a positive way so they will have the strength, health and energy to pursue God's plan for themselves. We are on a road to researching more homeopathic approaches to every day medical concerns due to side effects, gluten risks and the desire to avoid putting even more chemicals in our body. It's all very... granola. As a young girl, I thought I would be the successful career woman who through liberation was in control (ha!), and had the means to have mundane things like my house cleaned and my food cooked. And now that I'm approaching another decade I realize my goal of success had zero to do with handing over the reigns of control to God. It was about me. It's simply not where God and health has lead me and I couldn't be happier with the reality.

We are seeking to glorify God through a simple lifestyle. We don't want to get so caught up in running around accomplishing, accumulating, doing, succeeding or striving for earthly things that we forget to be faithful. I want to abide in Christ with out distraction. I want to trust with out reservation. I want to grow with out hesitation. I want to know Christ intimately with out any separation.