Great Expectations

Here’s a break from the Christmas festivity sharing to get some thoughts on paper. Some of these thoughts were inspired by the general expectations of the season which sometimes are not fulfilled. The details of what prompted the following are incidental. I believe relationship issues are universal. It is a compilation of opinions gleaned over several years within many relationships. Most sentences include an unspoken understood preface of in my opinion/ experience.

Putting expectations on people is one of the top reasons that keep counselors in business. At least that’s what I hear from a marriage & family therapist I know. How do we keep faith in people believing the best? How do we have standards while not putting too much responsibility on another person for our own happiness? Only I can control my level of contentment. I do give people a certain level of power in my heart because the love I give them makes me vulnerable. If I build a wall of isolation guarantying no hurt I also block out any love. The most unreachable tend to have been hurt the most in the past. Those with the highest walls, most abrasive behaviors and suspicious minds have the tenderest of hearts. My heart goes out to those walking wounded still in survival mode from life disappointments as I have been there. I lived for a time to protect myself from further hurt. I couldn’t move forward to the next step of giving until I had let God in to those places that still ached.

It’s a choice to give someone the benefit of the doubt. I live more at peace believing the best possible reasons why someone did something. It’s a road that doesn’t entertain the worldly details of what the person thinks about me. I’m not naive to believe that selfishness reactive hurt don’t ever play a role, but as with 90% of the other issues we worry about, they just aren’t true. I try not to even dwell on attaching meaning to my value as a person or the ability to be loved and accepted. Even if the negative is true, do I have to bring myself to a place of suspicious mistrust as well in order to handle the situation? “Don’t even pagans return evil for evil?” It does become harder the more slights that intensify emotions clouding the current otherwise innocent oversight.

Actually knowing my own external life factors play in to my ability to have perspective in a given situation helps me. I can put myself in their place knowing their actions are also equally complex mostly unknown to me. What also helps me is finally realizing in recent years that people don’t think about me nearly as much as I used to think. The only being out there sitting waiting to hurt, destroy, bring pain with self doubt to me is satan. The more I strain toward a relationship investing disproportionately more than the other person; the feelings of rejection and desperation also rise. I start devaluing the wonderful existing as well as other potential friends who do invest striving to reach back out. I end up feeling like a 5 year old on the playground with whom no one wants to play.

If I’ve filtered my hurt through God then I can feel lead to share beginning efforts to understand the motives better. What follows is what can define the relationship. A closer friend or widening gap of newly defined acquaintance emerges. Hopefully the conversation is filled with love underlining a goal of unity not continuing the cycle of hurt.

Where is the line between humans making well meaning mistakes and sometimes wise but often misused phrase of an “unhealthy relationship”. I’ve seen very few actual unhealthy relationships. I think rather at times expectations need to be adjusted. If I chose to let something go that could potentially damage or end a relationship, am I not having faith in that person? When, not if someone hurts me, how does that change the trust level going forward? I’ve learned the most from the challenging situations coming out on the other side with wonderful friends. Sharing differing interpretations of events digging down in to the resulting feelings of hurt can be so freeing. If someone shows a continuing pattern of behavior with foreknowledge of how that makes me feel then they have shown they can not be trusted in that area. Boundaries born out of the new knowledge must be laid down. People will treat you how you allow them. It’s a tough love stance that thankfully is still done with love for the person. I want better for them as well.

If there isn’t a mutual desire for a future friendship, shouldn’t we at least think kindly going separate ways? As one friend has told me, there is something valuable in all of us. It’s just lazy sour grapes to complain focusing on the negative just because I didn’t get what I want. That’s a true friend to call me out on that destructive behavior. I’m called to see other people as God’s beloved children knowing He never gives up on anyone. There is a loyalty, perseverance, an unconditional love, forgiveness and acceptance that we are called out as believers and followers of Christ to live forward.

There are over 6 billion human inhabitants. The worldly view of relationships is so transient and replaceable. As Christians we can slide too far to the other side by staying comfortable, not welcoming change by embracing new or uncomfortable experiences. We have our set group of friends for many years leaving no room for growth or enrichment. We restrict God to our current circle oblivious of the ability to grow in love by not inviting new people in to our hearts.