Finding my Balance

Joy, the Godly lasting definition has nothing to do with getting my own way, having all my expectations met or everyone treating me as God wants. Sorrow according to Proverbs is more welcome than gladness. I know I don't want to live the rest of my life sad or hurting, I'm not that noble.  Living a life for my own momentary pleasures is shallow and meaningless, a chasing after the wind as Ecclesiastes states. I've made several notations in my journal lately about balances in many things so with this quote I begin:

"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid with regard to external things. Don't wish to be thought to know anything; and even if you appear to be somebody important to others, distrust yourself. For, it is difficult to both keep your faculty of choice in a state conformable to nature, and at the same time acquire external things. But while you are careful about the one, you must of necessity neglect the other." If anyone tells you that such a person speaks ill of you, don't make excuses about what is said of you, but answer: "He does not know my other faults, else he would not have mentioned only these." Epictetus

Where does God want me? My desire isn't to be solemn, unhappy, sad and mourning. Since every good gift comes from the Lord, I would come to the conclusion he gives perfect gifts because He wants to delight us.   We spoke in our Sunday night group a bit back about worry and I don't believe there was any exception to one person in the marriage being the one with a tendency to worry (C for Cautious person) and the other being more laid back (A for Adventurous spouse). Yet, how alienated and unvalidated C would feel to be told by A to remember it wouldn't matter if they died tomorrow anyway. Maybe that does work for A, but it's not A's struggle to place things completely in the hand of God and walk away.  No more than C would be well received by telling A they are not responsible or wise since A makes decisions quicker.  Somewhere in each marriage is a Godly balance to pray and weigh life's matters with equal respect and patience for each other's temperament a decision is made, action is taken.  Hopefully as this happens we are honoring God and each other's hearts, not taking control away from God by either being anxious or thoughtless.

 So how do I not worry about how circumstances will turn out?  Whether our house sells (the contract fell through, her house never sold) or when our new house will be done, when I will find a new job (Rachel is in school now, so I'm job searching) and the layoffs at Billy's work, how our family grows are some of the most pressing concerns on our mind. I'm learning slowly as the serenity prayer says

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life  and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Billy and I take turns reminding each other as situations come up to trust God.  Easy short words, with an enormous meaning behind them. Who by worrying can add a single hour to their life? Do not worry about what you will eat or what you wear. The birds do not spindle or labor and yet God takes care of those, how much more does He love us made in His image? Be strong and courageous, and act; do not fear nor be dismayed, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you nor forsake you until all the work for the service of the house of the LORD is finished.

 I sit and contemplate encouragement versus empathy. The need to not be cheered up, and yet comforted.  Happy yet aware of other's pain. Enjoying life yet being thankful. Having true strength and still being gentle and kind. Bold and sensitive of others people's feelings. Being wise in our decision making keeping God's will and still remembering God didn't send His son to die on the cross for our sins to live in fear of every pitfall that could occur. Perfect love casts out all fear is completely from scripture and how does someone living in fear react in the midst of their own rising anxiety to that scripture? Do I really expect them to snap out of it, smile and say of course, I forgot, you're so right? They skip happily away never to worry again.... How does God make His words real in our heart? Knowing I can't change others, knowing sheer will power and self control alone won't pull me from my boot straps, what makes the difference? What is bigger than the fear of change and improving and stepping outside what ever I am most afraid of?  Doing everything without complaining and still recognizing life will not be perfect. Thinking about what is truth, has honor, just, pure, lovely , praise worthy.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but consider others better than yourself. Such maturity in scripture. A contentment not in knowing the answers. For a person intrigued by the why and how of events and human behavior God chooses to teach his daughter to trust Him more than having the answers.

I can't fix life, hearts, behavior, thoughts, feelings better than our Lord. He who made heaven , earth and everything in it has the highest power, the perfect timing,  precise approach , the most effective methods, the best results that  will produce maturity and growth in all of His children on earth. How do I make sure I am part of His plan and not part of an obstacle He must work around. I've heard it said God will no matter what I do. Does that mean I shouldn't even try? In a striving to have a soft heart that God can reach, willing ears and a teachable spirit for God to shine through my very soul.

Contentment is the word springing to mind. Regardless of how much the rain comes down, how bright the lightening is, how loud the thunder cracks in the storms of my life to have peace in my heart. Not apathetic, not in denial, not closed off , not hard hearted, not bitter, recognizing it hurts, not running from the pain, not being a martyr. There are hurts when I finally gather up the courage to trust I tell with tears like it was 18 days ago and not 18 years. I cry not because I haven't moved on, but from remembered hurt. What hard lessons I learned that I am sure in my teenage arrogance of 'knowing' I had everything figured out, had all the right answers, knew how I would approach and be successful in life no matter what I would not have learned any other way. I have felt God's humbling and don't know how to stay humble. With being human comes the strength for a beggar to lift his head and enough shame to bow the head of a president (my paraphrase of C.S. Lewis) .  An empty scrapbook that sometimes feels as though it will never be put together for a baby. A crib sitting in a closet for more than two years now yearning to be assembled, chewed on and trusted with a fragile defenseless, priceless beautiful baby to rest their sleepy head. Being so close to the next step of adoption that I'm afraid to get my hopes up, to get any more attached to this outcome than I did of giving birth. Birth moms change their minds and babies can die.  Betsie Ten Boom "There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still."  Jim Elliot "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what which he cannot loose. "


My perfectionism in wanting to do this 'just' right is what has me blogging at past 1 a.m. Behind every good procrastinator is the heart of someone wanting to get it perfect. My mind starts processing and I must remember:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

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