The Adoption Road

Going down this path has been unexpected. Unexpected opportunities to for Billy and I talk, to keep God and each other a priority. We have prayed from the beginning of seeking a child to not become obsessed with building a family so as not to be unappreciative of the current life God is giving us. We pray to not get so wrapped up in any other goal than glorifying God. I want this to have God in the plot not just on the acknowledgment page. As some other more seasoned people have shared their stories, I become more familiar and more comfortable with the blessings and challenges that are unique to adoption. I wanted to capture my feelings at this stage of the process.

As I become more familiar with resources some terms, phrases and perspectives that I never thought of before come to the forefront. I like the term that who ever is out there considering an adoption plan is doing just that, not giving up or away their child. Abortion is all together unfortunately too accessible in our culture. If the child was truly unwanted or unloved, there are other alternatives. I try to put myself in the mother's shoes, pregnant and unable to provide for the child growing under her heart inside of her own body. I can't help but have compassion for her. I see pregnant women in my circle of friends and see the joy and excitement, even the unpleasant side effects of pregnancy and realize that women out there everyday endure all of that for someone who they will not get to love from up close going forward. If I try, I can feel maybe a very small sense of her struggle. I feel humbled by a mother who loves and wants the best for their child and believes that way is through having us raise them.

Our challenges include waiting, being scrutinized, being matched, meeting and seeing if that match will actually materialize, the possibility of having someone change their mind and deciding to parent the child themselves, the many teachable moments with our child so that they see adoption as a blessing like we do. Our child will have two sets of parents. I'm not new to the concept of having more than just birth parents to love me. I have had what I see as blessing now of additional parents through both my parent's remarriages. My bonus set of parents have added to the person I am today. It actually makes me appreciate them more because they chose to love me when they didn't have to.

We pray to not feel threatened by knowing they will have another set of parents out there. I pray to have a bond with them starting with the love we will both have for a child. We want our child to feel as though they fit and belong with us. I pray for a balance of knowing we are their 'real' parents who will tuck them in each night, love, teach, protect and be there everyday for them. I also know it would be short sighted to not acknowledge a bigger picture and connection of blood lines, genetics, history. I would be curious if I was in our child's shoes and I pray for a Godly balance for our child to feel that it's a positive thing to be adopted in to our family knowing what ever the circumstances that brought them in to this world that God wanted them to be here. They came from love, God's love. To know they weren't rejected and yet not to fantasize about the unknown, to not have where they came from be shrouded in mystery so the past isn't up on a pedestal either. I can't imagine how hard it will be for the tummy mommy as I've heard some say, to walk away. I look forward to sharing letters and pictures as well as building a relationship of trust so that our child will have a face, name, personality to their family of birth.

In a situation where our words can so easily sound trite and canned compared with dozens of other families yearning to have a child, I falter on how to articulate the heart of someone wanting to be a mother. I'm not afraid if I will love them the same or as much as a biological child, because I don't know what it's like to have a child from my body. We will bond through everyday caring and shared experiences not focused on their adoption but with the knowledge that it's not a shameful process. I know I've shared in a previous post my hopes for what kind of parent God will work through us to be. I don't just hope to be a good adopted mom, but a good mother. Adoption is a single step, a one time event that will be a part of but not define the family we will become. I will not introduce our child as our adopted child, but will also not shy away from questions of how God worked to bring our family together. I watched some beautiful stories unfold from the Hallmarkchannel.com site that touched my heart and gave me hope.

I like to think people's perceptions are one of caring and acceptance in this area of adoption, that no one would say, our child is not 'our own' or that we aren't the 'real parents'. I try to not go down that road and just pray for the same grace and benefit of the doubt that frames how God has touched my life knowing people mean well and are just trying to communicate at all about the issue. I can do that with me... thinking of someone saying something insensitive or uncaring to my innocent child breaks my heart. I know I can't protect them from everything, least of all other children who will pick out any difference that they fear or with which aren't comfortable. I think in all things, it's just that sense of appreciation, contentment, thankfulness, just focusing on the positive, instead of the defensive, negative, sarcastic things of the world.