Ladies Retreat 2008

I got home this afternoon our Ladies Retreat. I personally really enjoy times of pulling back, relaxing and rejuvenating. I know after those times my heart is more open, more full of God's grace and peace and my love for others looks more like God's for a time. Our theme was "Bloom with Abandon" a discussion of our walk with the Holy Spirit. Vivian Vance walked us through both the Old and New Testament in regard to the Holy Spirit and how He works in our lives. She took all the mystical wierd assumptions we might have had and answered with God's word and heart. Some of this I'll try to tie in later. Nuggets (or in this case whole chickens full) of truth I walked away with are:

Session 1
The Holy Spirit is about living with the most powerful life source in every cell of my body. Whether or not I look you in the eye, I have a relationship with people. First of all How do I know for sure it's God's voice? The kindergarten answer? It's biblical truth and it's positive. How do I know it's NOT the Holy Spirit's leadings? It's negative, angry or has hatred in the message.
The scripture references are:
Genesis 1:1-2, Exodus 31:3, Numbers 11:17, Deuteronomy 34:9, Judges 16:13, Ezekial 36:24-27, Isaiah 59:20-21
In these Old Testament verses God spoke first through the Spirit then when Christ came through Him who had the Holy Spirit.

Session 2
At this point she asked us to have our own quiet time and reflect on how the Holy Spirit was involved in our:
birth
baptism
temptation
ministry.

Matthew 1:18, Luke 4:1, Isaiah 61:1, Luke 4:14

We then went in to small groups to discuss these themes. My group consisted of me and one other woman (couple of other women hadn't made it). I admit I glazed over my answers at first, not knowing this woman. I was not sure how to broach this topic that for the majority of my life hasn't been clearly understood. I had no logical reason to trust her with my life, my flaws, my mistakes, or my struggles. There is no past history, no building of trust. I was justified right?? (tongue placed firmly in cheek) I start talking out of nervousness. I shared some very general stories, you know the safe church stories that show I have faith and make me look good. When I ask how this dear woman answered, tears came to her eyes and in that instant I felt like a fraud. I knew I had shrunk God to a safe answer and was so worried about my image that I forgot I'm in a safe place. If I can't be real with my church family, where? (it's a theme that's been on my heart for some time now, true authenticity) I felt tears sting my eyes and I was convicted to listen as I was captivated by her heart before she opened her mouth. She spoke from her soul and I was encouraged to do the same. Neither of us was embarrassed by our hearts, by the pains we shared or the mistakes we admitted. I felt safe, loved and encouraged by a woman I had never met before who showed her vulnerability by the tears shining in her eyes and I wished I had been the courageous one first. This was church, this was Jesus with skin on.

This is my own journal from the weekend... read at your own risk. You can end here or just skip down to the song lyrics but I'm feeling empowered:
Image cracks me up. I spend all this time sizing up other people to determine how much "me" they can really handle. I try to imagine a church full of me's. Cautious, logical, safe. No one saying anything out of place, making the right answers, with the correct general statements. Where does that go? If my life hadn't hit any major road blocks I could have probably existed in my pseudo safe place for who knows how long. Slowly dwindling, growing less dynamic, challenging, or alive. Wear the right clothes, have the right hobby's, go to the right restaurants...doing the drill. Then BAM! MY plan isn't working? What? I did it right, I met and married a wonderful Christian man. We had a plan, didn't God hear our plan? It was well thought out, logical, safe and moral. Okay, don't freak out, no cracks remember, don't let them see you sweat? That doesn't show faith. You'd hate to be called insecure or anxious, that means something about your faith too doesn't it? *Breathe* Okay, no big deal, just suck it up and tough it, God will come round right? Because I'm obedient and I'm a good christian. For how long, do I just grit my teeth? This isn't a superficial wound that will pass in a week, not to minimize other hurts. The worst thing that happened to you is still the worst thing that ever happened to you. It's not a contest of who has been through the worst or most. My flesh is week, my heart is hurting, crying and two years is a long time living in pain. So, then the mask and the image and plans all shift. The questions raise up... No, don't ask those, God will just take care of you.. (pat on the hand, now cross your hands, smile and don't be too noisy). Where's my church? Where's my help? What will they think? Where is just a hug? When God is prying my fingers open slowly from my clenched hand holding my dream one finger at a time. I don't need someone else adding to the list of do's and don'ts added already to the voice of doubt inside of my own head. I need comfort, I need prayers. I'd never make it as a Jew or a gentile. I'm not going to pretend that I can live up to the hundreds of laws they are required and have no grace. Sheer will power and self control are going to earn me my way to heaven? Who am I kidding? Fear and threat of condemnation will never motivate me to raise to a higher standard of dying to myself and living from someone else. I can't answer the call of the Holy Spirit in my life as the voice of condemnation is drowning Him out. If I'm going to err on one side, either too many laws or wild grace then grace wins, God says so. Or there's the gentile path. No thank you, tried that. I'm too aware of my flaws to pretend I'm not in desperate need of a way to heaven outside of myself through Jesus. If I'm wrong about everything else, I've got my salvation and nothing takes that away (cringe away satan, that's right) I'm done allowing satan to keep me boxed in scared, safe, logical, smart, worldly. All this wild God talk, someone is going to think I'm one of those bible thumping holy rollers.:-O Good.

I'll blog later about Saturday nights session, lights out after dark discussion and as well as Sunday morning's lesson. Also, note to self, never really did justice to the Retreat I went to in February because of the death in our family. So I need to give that equal time. For now, this song playing in my mind all afternoon:

Holy Spirit, Dwell In Me

Holy Spirit dwell in me
Touch my eyes that I might see
All your goodness grace and pow'r
Stay beside me ev'ry hour
Be my drink, be my living bread
Keep me sheltered, keep me fed
Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit dwell in me

Holy Spirit comfort me
Let my heart be one with Thee
When I'm worried soothe my mind
Let me sweet contentment find
May I run this wicked race
Filled by your amazing grace
Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit comfort me

Holy Spirit rescue me
Set my soul completely free
Beside Jordan make my bed
In God's bosom lay my head
Let me live in a brand new place
See my blessed Savior's face
Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit rescue me