I would never.....

I think I know why I feel the need to explain myself to others. Because I know me in an unknown circumstance and around other people who are vastly different from myself. I slip in to" I would never" mode. Not something I'm the least proud of for many reasons, first, my own arrogance is overwhelming. Second, and most importantly I am not loving people as God calls me to. I am judging them in a situation I know I am not familiar and somehow get convinced I would do this better. Where does this arrogant streak come from? It's not in the area of questioning myself that I see signs of insecurity, but here. I need some sense of superiority to ensure my own sense of self worth. Is my value in being right? Am I only important if I have all the best, right answers? As if I could have all the answers and have everything figured out from a surface observation. I remember vividly on our honeymoon a scene between a parent and child that resulted in the child ordering the parent around. Man, did I ever puff up....

Is this that sense of right and wrong, my ability to discern justice? Why is not my first reaction a heart of sympathy and prayerfulness? When did I forget all the many mistakes I have and continue to make and believe I am above such humanness? I remember as a single person telling myself rather smugly I would never do (fill in the blank) what ever relationship mishap someone else had made. I really believed because I was marrying a Christian man and I had turned my life around ( wow, can you see my justification building?) I would be immune to having anything as normal as differences. It's self righteousness and gossiping that satan enjoys getting a foothold in so much.

Where does my sense of humility go in those moments? Apparently there's no room for Jesus as I am too puffed up with my own sense of importance in that moment. Where would there be room to remember scriptures such as we all sin and fall short of the glory of God or to consider others better than myself. Love covers a multitude of sins and to forgive others as my Father forgives me...

Hypothetically on paper I know the right angle and answer to provide. Life and relationships are messy and complicated. Maybe if I have experience in a specific area I can share what has worked in the past. In a situation I don't know? For example, I shouldn't dare judge a parent as I am not one. My expectations of what that looks and feels like is just that ... an impression based on several bits of other people's lives that I am on the outside looking in. I don't know what goes on behind their closed doors. It's so much easier when it's not my friend of loved one, someone from a distance I can analyze. Measure myself up against and think I come out ahead. Here is where my thinking nature can go too far. In that moment I forget to just be the best me God wants me to be. For a measure of humility to know the only measuring stick I have is Jesus Christ and I will always come up short.

I'm not beating myself up, just recognizing sin in a portion of my attitude and heart that Jesus needs to be in. My first hint that He's not there is my heart feels ugly and cold when I'm in the midst of speaking about someone in this manner and that is not the heart of my Lord. He did not die on the cross for me to go around feeling superior. I pray to keep my ears and heart open praying for His words and heart in every circumstance. He loves me even through my actions so I know He is loving that person through theirs.