While We Wait: The Adventure Unfolds

God put it on my heart back in January to volunteer to share our testimony of waiting after hearing the title of this year's Ladies Retreat. At that time, I envisioned it would be a story of us actively waiting. It did not have the ending it does now. I am posting it so I can remember what I shared and also I promised a few women who couldn't make it so they could read if they wanted to. Blogger feeds in to Facebook so you may be reading it there also. This is the result after 6 revisions, 3 dry runs throughs--not once getting through with tears including today in front of almost 90 women in Westminster, TX. Much of it comes from previous posted blog entries that I condensed. I also added a couple of entries that so I could tell the story of what God has been doing in our lives chronologically.

My 'aha' moment of the retreat from the speaker was "I'm only in control of surrendering, that's it." Not even that controls the results, but nothing makes me more worthy. I can't earn it, speed it up and most of all control even if I receive what it is after I surrender. God calls me to surrender....

Also, if you did go to the retreat and have pictures, I volunteered to scrapbook the event for the church, so please email me at lcturnbow(at)gmail(dot)com and I'd love to include them in there, thank you!!

Waiting on the Lord

When I heard the topic of Waiting for this retreat I knew I had something to share. As the agenda says this is definitely from my heart , it’s not yet a distant experience I can recall without emotion, but I think that’s okay.

Starting in 2006 my husband Billy and I started our wait for a family. The most honest and true reflections of what that looked like for us are recorded in an online blog that I’ll read some from here in a bit. It was an outlet for me along with prayer, friends who had been there as well as those who were right there with us struggling. As a little girl no one had to encourage me to hold a doll and rock it. God gave me this maternal nurturing side of His characteristic. I’ve always wanted to be a mother.

Here are some partial entries that show what our wait looked like…..

8/9/07

Yesterday we made progress in finding a fertility specialist. I took the business cards my obgyn gave me and ran them by two very good trusted friends in the health care field. It was an incredible blessing that both came back with the same name, they not only took in to account the information I had but they knew, looked in to insurance options,... God really has placed the most amazing people in my life. I couldn't do this alone... Billy has been wonderfully understanding of the many strong emotions emitting from his wife. I've said before I don't want encouragement, but I think I just don't want a summarization. I want to know how other people have dealt with frustrations, disappointments , unmet expectations, that's encouraging to me... not "everything will be okay" while I know that, it just doesn't acknowledge the meaning of all of this...Okay, I digressed. So I went online and read the 19 PAGE new patient packet ( I will have no personal secret information by the time I have completed this, I just know). I am looking forward to a consultation so we can find out what all the options are. So Dr Doody here we come.....

8/22/07

The most amazing site and sound greeted me this morning as I pulled out of my street, a wonderful sunrise and this song "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman on the radio. What a wonderful start to the day :-) I'm so glad I had my camera

I need to make an appointment for the dr, to see why I'm still sick to my stomach and the adoption agency requires a release from my dr to ensure we can physically provide and care for a child as part of the adoption paperwork. The paperwork is very personal/ private process with lots of of hypotheticals due to it being a Christian agency. How would we disciplin a child? How do we plan to instill spiritual values and biblical knowledge in our children? What are out hopes, dreams, goals and general aspirations for our children? This and many more issues we'll need to sit and pray about, get intentional. Somehow I don't think we'd be articulating these ideas if we weren't going through this.

11/19/07

We had a doctor's appointment this morning to see if the IUI was successful. I got a call back this afternoon saying it was not. A wonderful older couple we respect very much prayed with us last night knowing we had this appointment. He said that at what ever time we have our child, God may be preparing another family for our child's mate. The timing may be more for our child's benefit and future rather than ours. However a child comes in to our home, we want to think and pray for their future. This thinking would be a good way to start being good parents and considering their best interests. We do want to look at family planning less selfishly.

No fake smiles here, just no desolate sorrow. We are disappointed, but we still trust in a powerful God who has control over everything. Thank you for your prayers, we will be in prayer about the next step. We know now that the discomfort in my abdomen and other symptoms are an infection from the procedure.

Definitely apt time to remember at this Thanksgiving season to have an attitude of gratefulness. I am thankful for....

My Savior and Lord of my life, Jesus Christ who gives me unconditional love and forgiveness everyday of my life.
Billy, who is my best friend and husband. His support and encouragement are priceless to me.
Family, by blood, marriage and faith who pray for and love us through this.
Health, home, talents, hope, and a host of other things I know I take for granted every day but God gives me anyway.

Winter 07

Billy and I prayed last night for reassurance that God hears us, that we aren’t forgotten. A friend come up to us during prayer time to say God wanted us to know “He heard us” It was the exact prayer, we hadn’t told anyone we prayed it. What a merciful God we serve to meet us where we are at.

5/12/08 – Day after Mother’s Day

In light of being authentic, I have to say yesterday was difficult. It was difficult for my mother who didn't have all of her children wishing her a happy mother's day since more than one are in heaven now. It was difficult for my three nephews 11, 13 and 15 as they had to go to the cemetery to wish their mother a happy Mother's Day. If I'm honest it is hard for me to be 35 and not be a mother. I attempted to spend the day spoiling my mom. I made a couple of lasagnas to take so that the family could get together and just be with each other yesterday. There were alot of raw feelings and tender hearts and we loved each other through it. Love does indeed cover a multitude of sins. On our way to Fort Worth Billy and I talked with his mother and she was struggling as her mother passed away last year. Both my dads don't have their moms on earth either.

The scab got peeled back a little and the wound is still there, pulsing. I ache seeing my family hurt. Maybe I can tell myself enough of the correct phrases at least to get by with a smile on the outside. This people pleaser can't heal their hurts and that's hard for me. I know several precious women in similar states waiting for motherhood or who have had that door permanently closed and I tear up. My sweet friend who God has laid me on her heart emailed wonderful encouragement during this time:

I just wanted you to know that you have been on my mind and in my prayers this weekend and, especially, today. I remember how difficult Mother’s Day used to be and how sad (and sometimes mad) it used to make me. I wouldn’t go to church on that Sunday and my wonderful husband sometimes made it a point to take me on a trip to get away sometimes. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you’re NOT alone and that I understand. I pray that God brings you comfort and peace – and your heart’s desire.

6/20/08

I am searching for answers only God can answer. My mind is going to the fact that I only call on God because He's calling on me. What's He calling me for? I've prayed, I've read the stories of women crying out, pleading with God for a child in the bible. I hit a wall this afternoon. One that had me canceling all plans this evening, because all I wanted was God and my husband. I wish I was thicker skinned or stronger.

I'm not coveting, I don't want their babies. I realized today the one thing I do without fail that fills me with the most guilt and shame in regard to infertility. It's when I hear of other people's good news. I'm happy for that couple and still as soon as I get to a private place, I sob. For several minutes and nothing in particular runs through my head as my heart feels like it's breaking. It's completely illogical to me that some one's happiness brings pain to me. We are called to rejoice with those who rejoice. How ungrateful and bitter it sounds to my own ears. I keep thinking there has to be some flaw in my thinking, in my heart, in my view that's effecting my behavior.

I ask why don't we get blessed? What did I do to block God's blessings for us in this area? A punishment for past sins? What have I done that I have not confessed, that I haven't repented? I don't know that any one single mistake in my past says barrenness. Any mistake that hundreds of women haven't made and yet they still receive the blessing of pregnancy. I hope I have had enough distance that I realize where I've failed in the past and what sins I've committed. I realize where I've been a chicken when I should have learned on the strength of the Lord. God will reveal what I haven't realized in His time.


8/20/08

I've found in my searching’s several infertility, adoption blogs. The infertility ones have started to make me feel more sad. I began to wonder why that was. This is my own experience and personality talking. It starts building in me a sense of desperation. Scraping for a way to make it happen. Maybe it's just time to completely move forward. To close the door. Maybe that's unrealistic, I can never close the door of the grief and loss I have had of family members passing. It's a continual journey. In my own battle it brings up control, as if I have control. That I just haven't found the right procedure, medication, (excuse me for getting personal) position to conceive a child. When did it become all about me and my efforts? I can only do my part. So the rest is up to God. I don't know that if I tried IVF if I would get another infection or not as I did from the IUI. Adoption so far has been no less of a wait, no less vulnerable than our efforts to try to conceive. It definitely seems different for everyone at what point they are ready to start looking at other ways to become a parent.

If I knew the outcome it wouldn't require faith. I can confidently state that I know what God can do. Does that mean He will do that for us? Only He knows how our path to parenthood will end.


10/5/08

This song pertains to what ever we're waiting for in life. For us of course, it's a child. It's from the movie Fireproof by John Waller.

While I’m Waiting
Psalm 5:3, 27:14, 33:20, 37:7, 38:15, 40:1, Isaiah 30:18, Lamentations 3:24
John Waller

"The explanation for this song is simple, I was waiting on God and I was hurting when I wrote the lyrics. I probably wouldn’t have written a song if my friend, Mike, hadn’t encouraged me to document what I was going through during that time. I’m sure there are few people who can’t relate to this song, but the important thing to remember while we’re waiting on God is to not just wait but to actively wait. Serve, worship and be faithful with what you have, where you are… “even while (you) wait.”

11/4/08

We have spent much time contemplating having a child in our house. I’m finding the more real the adoption process becomes to us, that no matter the circumstances, adoption is complicated. The realization that this could have occurred within the next couple of months has been both exhilarating and frightening. Most women have 9 months to adjust from dream to reality, to prepare emotionally and logistically. We've had the last 2 years, 4 months and 6 days to think about our future child in theory. There has been and will continue to be so much to pray about.

How do I tell you this wasn't our chance at expanding our family? How can I express how very difficult this decision was for us? I don't know that I can, because only we can feel the aches in our chest. We continue our wait with faith. We trust God and believe that this precious baby is meant for someone else. That perfect family for him was not us. I ask for your prayers for Joanna and her precious baby boy. They are going through a Christian adoption agency and God will be in this baby's life. There are hundreds of people just like us waiting as well.

I could ask God why bring this opportunity to us if he's not supposed to be with us? I want to ignore all the complications, all the issues and just love a child. I want to change the tracker on this blog to my child's age. I want to fill the bassinet in the nursery. Only because of God do I have a bigger picture, that it's not about blame, anger or regret. Only because of Him and remembering my priorities of God first, then my husband do I know I have much to be grateful for. Part of me doesn't want to care how it will actually happen, I just want a baby to love. I know if I was on the outside, I would believe it's that simple. It's not about bravery. It's not about circumstances or logic. It's about faith. God is working through both of us and we trust He will bring to Billy and I the right child He has meant for us. When that time comes, we will willingly with out reservations accept our future child in to our home, our lives, our hearts.

There's so much more to say, but that will come in time with more perspective. It would be exceedingly easy to let my heart lead. Now I must allow God to lead my heart forward. I can't believe this is an actual post.

12/12/08

Upon arriving home, I received a call from our mutual friend of M. M was seriously considering us to raise her unborn baby. The birth father had Billy’s hair and skin color. It did seem ‘meant to be’. She lost her baby two days ago. We are praying for M in her loss. It may not make sense to others that we also feel a loss in this. The cliché ‘it’s not meant to be’ is floating through my head with not much comfort attached. Platitudes don’t compare with a soft heart willing to listen. Distant safe silence increases the loneliness of this experience. Really only God with His perfect healing can move us forward. The lure to protect my heart with guarded fierceness from future disappointment grows. I’ve learned with previous experiences the negative power of the vows we make ourselves in pain. I can’t live up to the step-ford version of an impervious Christian and frankly when I’m hurt I don’t even want to try. Not only is it not realistic, it’s actually harmful. It’s not what Jesus taught or lived out. I’m human and this hurts. David, a man after God’s own heart, struggled, failed at times, doubted and hurt. I can’t intellectualize my way out of the pain in my heart. Stuffing it down with plastic smile in place just makes it twice as hard to move onward. How I covet the ability to float over my troubles with no hurt, no doubt and the firm heart knowledge of God’s perfect timing.

I don’t have any more words right now. Tomorrow is a brand new day.

February 2009

A friend came up to Billy at church this morning with care, hesitant but conviction saying he felt it n his heart to tell us that God wanted us to know “we would have a child soon”.

3/27/09

My lack of personal entries the last few weeks has been due to adjusting to the shock of family news. After almost three years we have found out we are pregnant. We are very grateful for God revealing His timing to us. Of course the journey to this point might ( and I stress the might) have been easier to know from the beginning, here is your wait time. We did not get any such E.T.A. We haven't done anything different. Any clique in regard to relaxing, being in the adoption process or any other such urban legends do not apply. This is quite simply what God's plan is for us. We are in no way experts in how to 'get this to work'. His will, plan and timing are played out differently in each situation. We also do not loose the perspective from the last 3 years either.

The division that seems to exist like an invisible line between being a parent and not has long been and still continues to be mystifying to me. Not only has there been shock as the news has been settling in for us but also fear. We know first hand not everything goes as we plan or wish. Fear of somehow undoing this, of yet another disappointment. Miscarriages are in my family and I do have several higher risk issues. My age, how long it took us to get pregnant, as well as my auto immune condition are all in God's hands. We pray frequently not to live in that fear. Satan will not steal this experience that we thought was lost from us. God made this baby start to grow and only God knows the future. We do trust all the unknown to our known loving God.

This process can be like planning a wedding, overshadowing the rest of your life for a time. No, I will not complain in regard to the feelings of discomfort that have already begun. We did pray for this step of the journey emotionally and physically. One of the things I've wanted most of all in sharing our news was to show respect for other much cared for friends whom I know very well where they are at emotionally. They announced last week in church about several births and there was still a twinge knowing our news. That awareness doesn't go away for me with one test result.

We ask for prayers for the health and growth of this baby. Thank you for being part of our journey the last 3 years and onward. We also ask for prayers for those still waiting not knowing what God's plan is for them. We have made amazing friends in the last three years and know this news will affect them. It's still early and anything can happen, but the doctor says we are due November 3, 2009.
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I did continue living, I didn’t have a choice. Life refused to stop and recognize I wasn’t getting what I wanted. A constant monthly roller coaster of doing our part, waiting, dealing with the no, gearing up enough hope to try again the next month with some semblance of joy again and again. Simultaneously we dealt with two failed attempts at adoption outside of our agency and stalled classes again and again with them. I questioned so much, so many times.

In these three years, Billy and I changed churches and found Greenville Oaks. We found people who reached out and even if they didn’t know exactly what we were going through, they embraced us. We bought a new house (in the back of my mind I’m thinking is this a faith leap buying a bigger house or just more rooms that I feared at times we’d never get to use?) In my stronger moments I knew we would, what I didn’t know was how and when. I prayed to remember I was enough, my marriage, my family, my friends and most of all my God was enough before we started trying. I had outlets of friends, the blog and projects that helped me through. Only through much prayer was I able to listen as God showed me how I could serve instead of feeling like all I could do was survive. I strove to remind myself of Job ‘s trials and His faith to say “shall we accept good from God and not trouble”? I prayed to remember other people were going through things as well and I could be of help to them and not be overwhelmed by my own pain. God alone helped us moved forward during 32 month’s of no’s trying to conceive.