Heart Moment

In light of the touching anniversary for our country today I am doing a heart check. I haven't done it here for a while being busy, sick and tired for the quite some time now. I start having moments where my mind can process every day events now and not be stilled by sheer activity. Activity is our generations drug. We drink caffeine, sugar and do what ever is necessary going without food, time for God or ourselves so our lives can mean something. When did our lives only mean something if we are busy? I have at times complained/ bragged about how busy we are, how important the tasks we are doing, how full our social calendars are. I've been hesitating to share some opinions just because I don't want anyone to think I'm referring specifically to them. I'd rather remain silent about something than hurt anyone's feelings. I don't want me sharing my thoughts here to be perceived as lecturing, preaching or judging. I do feel strongly and passionately about some issues. I know I can go on. What I share may not make sense to everyone since we all come from different backgrounds with different values and priorities. Maybe you disagree or it doesn't make sense. I don't pretend to be the best writer, in fact reading this month's Reader's Digest that my in-laws subscribed me for, I came across this short article:

You, too, can be a Gooder Writer:
So, you've always wanted to learn how to write something with a bit more zip than a grocery list? Look no further! Here are some valuable tips, courtesy of plainlanguage.gov:
Avoid cliches like the plague- they're old hat
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary
Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement
Don't repeat yoursel, or say again what you have said before
Be more or less specific
Proofread to see if you any words out


A funny tongue in cheek reminder of how to be easily readable and I do almost all of them in my blogging. Which brings me to my next crutch that I know I fall for. Knowledge, having the right answers, appearing perfect, contained, put together. God knows how much I keep to myself so that people won't judge or think less of me. It's one of the honest things my husband wrote about in our home study questionnaire's. It did indeed get personal when they asked what do we especially like and dislike about our spouse at the time we met and now. They asked how often we disagree, about what and how did we resolve them. Talk about a gut check. After we were both completely done, we read each others. Only God knows me better than Billy, sorry mom and dad :-) I have to say Billy phrased our lives gently, kindly and with honesty as I would expect nothing less from him. It's one of many ways I admire Billy, he is who he is, he doesn't change for any circumstance or situation. His detailed personality is an asset and Godly balance to my big picture thinking. We don't love each other blindly believing the other is perfect or that we want to change the other person. I know he loves me no matter what and his commitment to God, our marriage and this process to have a child brings tears to my eyes.

Sometimes I just care too much what people think about me and that leads to insecurity. There I said the 'i' word, do not like it and it's implications at all. It is what it is though, right? I can't let God have it if I fight the title. I am an emotional person who in my younger days was much more guided by my emotions. On the personality tests, they call it a perfectionist, which is another term I don't care for due to the implications of being stressed and uptight it brings. As a result of being emotionalI have made my share of mistakes. Billy and I call it being tender hearted. I am moved easily by other's hurts and touched easily by other's kindnesses. I have no doubt at some point our child will at times either roll their eyes or look at me with kind pity and know their mother just cries easily. I come by it naturally, both my parents have sensitive hearts. I am more than that one title, I am many. I am most importantly, child of the most high, powerful, loving, forgiving, heart changing God. I'm not bullet proof and as I think about hitting send admitting to being human and imperfect and what people will think, I have to remind myself , no one reading this is either. I say that to help me share, not to put anyone down. We are all onions with many layers. I chose to share my weaknesses here because I think that's how I not allow satan to overtake me with them and win. I learned that with our journey to have a child, how much comfort and how normal I realized I really was in my reactions once I gathered the courage to tell someone. Sharing made me feel empowered, supported, loved and accepted. By the way, Billy did approve me sharing this here.

I don't like rejection as much as anyone else, so if you're a stronger person in this area who doesn't struggle with other's opinions, I ask that you try to put yourself in my place and don't look down on me too much. Think of what you struggle with and try to meet me there where we both aren't perfect. I do welcome your suggestions and thoughts on how you deal with this so that maybe I can learn from you.