Talents

I've always been told one of my gifts is working with children. Until this last year, it's always something I've done on my terms when and for how long I was willing to commit on a volunteer basis. I knew during these times, the interaction and attention required to really give my all to a child was all encompassing for me physically, emotionally and spiritually.

So when I started last year taking care of Rachel, I expected some draw on me personally. Sure, there were tough days. Now with multiple children of varying personalities, needs and demands it's stepped up several levels. Part of this is an adjustment curve. Another part of me knows it's not something I can do half way. These are small people with which I am investing. I pray I am helping them grow not only intellectually, but physically, emotionally, socially and morally as well. Trying to impart structure, consistency, fairness, manners, virtues etc. I have heard plenty said about teachers and this job has done several things already, given me huge respect for what teachers deal with daily from their superiors, the children themselves, and the parents. This position is also teaching me what I can do to help make this eventual adjustment for our child smoother. I want our children to have structure, education and socialization skills.

The debate that comes to mind is what do I want to do most with my time? Mean a little to many people or mean much to a few (namely my hubby). This position requires sacrifice. I am human and as much as I pray to have as much patience at the end of the day as in the beginning, it's just not always the case. I know when ever we do adopt, that draw will be there for our child as well. I feel guilty to be honest, that I'm jipping my husband from the best part of me. That the best part is being reserved for children who yes I already have a bond with and care for. They are other people's children.

I have had an ongoing mental list in my head of pro's and con's that I thought I would clarify here:

Pro's
LOVE the children
learning so much for future parenting skills
great ideas for curriculum for eventual teaching of our children( praying about home schooling one day)
Using my talents in a realm I feel I can do well
Personally rewarding

Con's
Exhausted when I get home, I don't go to the gym with Billy anymore (which is high on his love language wishes)
Patience level not so good at the end of the day
School not very flexible with time off (upcoming adoption seminars/ home study, etc.)
Not the best paying
Monthly staff development meeting that fall on a Wednesday ( miss out on bible study once a month)
Sick every couple of weeks

I feel guilty at this point even thinking about quitting on these children who I have come to care very much and who hug and tell me they love me too. I also feel very guilty feeling as if my husband is receiving left overs. I have a life time commitment to him. That commitment to my husband has to trump my own selfish need to be professionally fulfilled. I just don't believe anything is supposed to come before that except my personal relationship with Jesus. I guess I share all this to now say I'm in prayer about what to do next. I'll be staying until we get moved either way, (5 weeks and counting) so I have time to have God speak to me showing me which way to go.

Speaking of prayer requests, Nathan surgery went well today, he should be home by tomorrow recovering with his sweet wife :-) Yesterday was also my niece Ashley's 17th birthday. This last month was many 4th anniversaries. Lisa's death. Four years since the only car wreck I have ever witnessed in person that involved 4 dear friends. It was so good to see Nathan, Amy and Lance yesterday regardless of the reason last night. We were thinking about you Andy in Austin. Also, my brother Alan died 4 year ago yesterday as well. He was my brother by marriage, we don't use step in our family. It's probably one of the most positive things my mom did to help us see each other as family. It's what gives me hope that our child will not just be seen as the word adopted in front. Not that there's anything wrong with the fact that our child will be adopted, but I just don't want any layers or terms indicating we aren't as close just because we don't share the same blood. God adopted us all as His children to be co-heirs with Christ.