M is for Motherhood

If you're new here, you may not know how passionate motherhood is to me. Motherhood did not come on my schedule. The journey was an almost 3 year heart wrenching cycle of raised expectations and dashed momentary hopes. Hard work, perseverance and education result in success, ..... right? That's what our American ideals and dreams are based on. The health and wealth gospel says if you work hard,and obey God well and are faithful, God will reward you. The truth is God's plan is not our ways. The truth is , coming to terms with His plans can be a painful process. Pride and a false sense of control settles in when it seems for how ever brief or long of a time, we are in sync with God. We 'must' be in tune, righteous, faithful. Maybe we're just lucky, maybe we've taken control over and convinced ourselves since no obstacles or failures have occurred, this must be what God wants. Maybe we've given up dreaming or wanting anything because of life's past disappointments. Maybe anger, bitterness, disappointment, fear and frustration have wedged in where intimacy should be with our Heavenly Father. When God's ways are not my ways in an area I treasured and yearned for the most, it became very real, personal and intense.

November 2009 - 9 months pregnant with Matthew

Oh wait, it's not going smoothly, you mean you're struggling? You're not smiling and strong and peaceful? Tsk tsk tsk, something must be wrong with your faith, just trust, it will all work out. It will be  okay. You're probably wanting it too much. You just need to relax. Once you give up , that's when it will happen. Start adopting, that works for some people. I went through that, it wasn't that big of a deal. Every comment listed resulting in me feeling smaller and more alone.  Now, I can add guilt that I was even struggling. So, I learned to hid it but from a small few who would not judge, who would just accept me in the mess of a pit I was in and still just love and pray for me.  The amount of cliqued well meaning , look on the bright side, hurtful remarks were numerous.  Success, achievement, being right are easy to be around. Happiness, joy and celebrations are highly valued in this world. We forget to mourn with those who mourn during times of infertility, chronic illness or miscarriage. We provide empty phrases to distance us from experiencing or being drawn in to the negativity of life's most painful struggles. Our society is full of coping mechanisms to side step the hard emotional work of working through the darker side of life. Instead of the comfort of love, the permission to be distraught and the silent unconditional love and compassion; we theorize, we lecture, we judge, we detach and distance. Mine was a heart crying out for connection, understanding and validation. No, I don't think this process was 'necessary' or a requirement to have children. Every person could stand to learn more before becoming parents. I don't know that anyone is ever truly prepared or ready. God's timing is perfect. As a wise man counseled us (thank you GT) during this process, the timing could have everything to do with our children's futures and God's great design to bring others to Him. To reduce Him to our limited understanding is at the very least insulting. We can take the opportunity to learn, but in the end it's not all about us. We aren't the center of every circumstance. To add insult to injury that something in our character was flawed and needed work on - yes that's always true- means if we learn then we can earn His forgiveness, His favor and His blessing. With that works salvation process, I couldn't disagree more.

The journey to motherhood was a time full of growth, change and the ability to share Him. He was writing a story that reflected Him through our lives as He does with everyone. To infer that us sharing that story had to do with pride, arrogance or showing off is just what Satan would like. Satan would love nothing better than for us to have a false sense of modesty and keep our lights hidden and in secret.  {I imagine an excerpt a conversation similar to The Screwtape Letters by C.S Lewis..... Screwtape telling his apprentice gleefully, convince those humans to keep their stories all personal, quiet and hushed. Wormwood, they will think that their purpose in life is to only benefit themselves. We'll get them to quench the courage of the power of the Holy Spirit to step outside their comfort level to say, yes God is the same as He was written about in the bible.}  God brings about hope and the desires of our heart because He can and wants to. Not because we deserve it, have earned it or that he wants to gift us, bless us of spoil us more than the millions of others who still desire this, because it's not true. He works differently  and yet true to the character of loving His precious children faithfully every day. We all have a story to share to help grow others faith or bring people to Christ. We owe it to our Maker for the salvation and love He provides for all of His human creations. His glory and power working in us should be shared every way and as often as possible.

June 2011- 9 months pregnant with Daniel

 In hind sight, the journey to motherhood was similar to my walk with Christ. I couldn't earn it or control the process. I couldn't buy it. I couldn't outmaneuver the system by convincing my heart this wasn't my desire. I simply had to walk day by day. I had to turn over the hurt of the process plus the additional reactions from others over to God daily, hourly and by minute. Some days were filled with happiness while seeing the value and opportunities of being a younger married couple. Other days were spent so focused on what I wanted. There were good times in there with smiles, celebrations and fun. There were also days of sobbing with the heart ache of feeling like a mommy, but with out the children. I couldn't have it and the anger, frustration, hurt and bitterness clouded my view of God's current blessings. I twisted myself inside out asking God to find any offensive way in me so I could feel worthy. I would comment, that if I just knew it was an eventuality, maybe the wait would be more bearable. I was praying, I was reading my bible, I was seeking counsel from Godly women who had walked this road ahead of me and few who were still in the trenches. I have a supportive, loving and committed husband. All of this made it bearable, but it was still VERY hard. I had thought maybe, If I knew how it ended I could bear this more easily. Not even knowing if it was a yes, just wait or a no. All I knew was not then. I would ask if it's just to wait, then when and how? Birth, adoption? Domestic or international? IUI or IVF? Spontaneity took a back seat to ovulation kits, thermometers and calendars.  Family inquiries and casual acquaintance teasing only added to the pressure I already had on myself.

Matthew at birth

Matthew this month

 Even now, I have to place the title of motherhood at the foot of the cross so it's not my identity or self worth. I simply love my children too much to put the pressure of my self esteem on their very tiny shoulders. It's not their responsibility no matter how big their shoulders grow. I hesitate to use words like blessed, because I know it sears through those who do not feel they should be blessed any less by God. When we speaking of our blessings, are we giving glory to God or ourselves? Everyone has blessings or gifts from God, they are a reflection of Him, not us. We didn't earn or deserve it. Life is not fair. In the end I deserve to struggle, to be out of favor, to eat crumbs at his feet with my eyes downcast. Christ says I have a plan and purpose for you and I dearly love you. When I can't follow in my understanding or the end result, I can trust in His character knowing He loves me in my pain.

Daniel at birth

Daniel this month

Being a mother is also the most challenging and rewarding endeavor I have faced. These two precious blue eyed little boys are literally looking up to me to show them the way. It forces me to deal with my issues so I can be faithful to God in leading these precious children to adulthood and Lord willing, to the cross. The responsibility of guiding them spiritually, emotionally, socially, academically, physically, relationally is all laid before God. Some say children don't come with a manual, I respectfully disagree. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 reminds us that all scripture is God-breathed and useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. I do come alive when I feel needed, it motivates me externally. Realizing the risk of not laying that before Christ, it's one of many ways motherhood has me on my knees more than ever. Realizing this is a person with their own flaws, sins and God made purposes. Dreaming of motherhood had me a lot more in control. The 'my child will never' or 'I will never' came from such a place of self.  If I don't put God first, everything else will fall apart. My children and my husband must follow in line and in service to God. I will always be a flawed person. I will always have to ask my children for their forgiveness in the ways I will fail them. Through that process, I pray they see someone dependent on God's grace, strength and forgiveness. 

I'm very thankful to have the title 'mommy'.