Change

In the middle of working out our difference, change occurs. God doesn't leave us where we are at. He has the heart to accept us unconditionally where we are, but won't leave us there. During last Sunday morning's sermon wrapping up the life of Joseph I saw where he went from bragging little brother to humble servant-leader. As a teenager I was rather full of myself. Most teenagers I know have that 'I can conquer the world' perspective, change anyone and everything. Maybe we all need that bravado at that age to not be overwhelmed by what is out there. I've recently reconnected with many from high school via Facebook. I graduated in a class of 500+ people. The main thing in common was geography. It's been interesting and fun to see who majored in what, moved where and what they are doing now. Reconciling that with what was known as a teenager and back in to childhood.

'Change is hard' is an understatement unless you are as someone wisely said this last week, consistently and extremely flexible. We want to be left alone at times to adjust, to bury in and stay in the warm comfort of the known. I often hear the phrase, they've never been the same since. In as much as almost no one sidesteps tragedy forever, when it happens we have to ask ourselves now what? Do I want my character, personality and decision making to be based out of any one earthly event? What if that event is negative and hurtful? Does that one event get to define my worth, my capabilities or my future?

Should I be able to tell when someone is struggling through life's events? Finding a safe compassionate friend who will listen and pray, but not worry or burden themselves with trying to fix what ever is happening. I don't want to set on anyone a burden. Already so heavy in my spirit that the hurt and anger plays out in everyday life, I pick a handful of trusted prayerful compassionate friends who accept me and know me flaws and all. They walk with me, not taking it from me, not patting me on the hand with any single phrase and it helps. The past can eat away at any sense of peace. Only the ugliness of the heart is left with accusations, mistrust and a will to control everything around. An urge to place blame to share and expend the hurt outside to the world around. When heart shattering hurts occur we can carry around a strong desire to be understood more than to try to understand. To rely too heavily on what others think of us. To allow ourselves to be defined by other's viewpoints and actions. Victimizing ourselves over and over in our own minds allowing that event further control far beyond the past to the present and in to the future. Our self pity blocking us from believing we can be or do something positive. These kinds of hurt can paralyze us in to long term survival mode. This paralysis effectively corking the flow of generosity, empathy, selflessness and compromise. We can believe that no one really understands or would still respect or love me if they knew.

Tenacity and perseverance through understanding healing is more of a marathon, not a sprint. I selfishly don't want the hurt necessary for true heart growth but warring in my heart is my desire for maturity. We all change, continuing to learn throughout life. We have to give ourselves and each other the benefit of the doubt that when we learn better, we do better. We are all selfish at heart. Only God can help us see part our own self entitlement and unrealistic expectations. Growth requires strength and vulnerability. The ability to NOT harden our hearts, not to listen to those vows we made to protect our innermost spots at the point when we are aching the most. Feelings are deceitful and can not be the predominant factor is making decisions. Self-control, personal accountability and integrity are essential. We all change, the question we ask ourselves is, will I be better or bitter?

We aren't made to be stoic islands bucking up to life by ourselves. How high have we constructed the barriers of image? Control? Perfectionism? Competition? As women our sisters instead of allowing them in so they can help us, we are comparing and competing. We HAVE to have the courage to reveal our real selves, small portions at a time if necessary to build trust. Shared activities and time together build amazing relationships. With equal amounts of disclosure and vulnerability. Of course it's not without risk, but nothing worth building doesn't have some. Fellow female friends hold such a treasure of comfort, empathy and strength. We have to set aside the idea that each other has it all together, that so-and-so never gets upset, angry, has a dirty house, raises their voice, a hair out of place, etc... We are all just women doing the best we can and have so much power in our collective gathering.

So should you be able to tell what I've going through by my actions? I think so