Last Day

Today was my last day with a full time job. It does feel a bit surreal and as excited about the next stage of what God is preparing us for a bit apprehensive. As with all change, there is a period of adjustment. Yesterday was a well timed sermon on our identity in Christ. A reminder when our church family and my work environment are both different to not find my identity in achievement, possessions, performance, appearance, position, power, popularity, or piety. I know these are all traps of the world. They are common as it's so easy to find purpose and fulfillment in the present.

Tears welled up more than once today. I noticed I've been more needy towards Billy. I've been in prayer and laying those before Jesus. To not get insecure and/ or controlling of my environment in order to feel some sense of power in all of this. I made up spreadhseets of what all of my time will look like trying to feel that the next step is somehow less unknown. It's the right thing to do. All sorts of "routines" that have just fit no longer will. Having a set snack time will be harder, set phone calls I've made daily on my way home.

I find myself more than at any time in my life sharing more of the personal spots in my heart,this blog being one of them. My nature since childhood is to withdrawal, fade in to the wallpaper, to stay busy and just not be a burden. I'm an introvert wishing they weren't. I shared in study tonight with four precious women as we talked about spiritual battles in our lives. There are so many more questions than answers right now. It's so much more about leaning on God's understanding rather than my own. Not having the "why's" or having it all figured out. Being in the middle of a struggle for as long as we have, it becomes a companion, if that makes any sense. God continues to show us what our goals should be, holiness, glorifying God and sharing that love and forgiveness with everyone. God gives us wisdom (James) if we just ask for it. I am called to pray with out ceasing (1 Thes)to put on the full armor of God and to stand up against satan's lies (Ephesians). I don't know what God is trying to teach us or show us. I sure wish I would be a faster learner.

There are cycles to this. Just like with grief. When we lost Lisa, they talk about the "steps" of grief, but it's not a linear path. You can go back and forth through steps. Satan definitely gets in there, whispering I'm a failure, this is a punishment for past sins in my life, making me believe God doesn't want us to have children, that I would be a bad mother. So, we pray. Billy and I pray to have God's will, whatever that is. We don't know what to pray for at times. I see the many different ways God has brought many people who have struggled through to the ending to be parents. It's all God's will, adopting, fostering, medical help, multiples. I feel that we are taking risks, steps in faith that simplifying our lives is the right thing to do. We don't have any concrete answers, maybe we never will know why we are on this journey, just that it is and it's enough that God will NEVER leave us, no matter how much it might hurt on some level more than not. I've known since I really got to know God that I was blessed to FINALLY get it. To open the door from Him knocking on my door all those years. He fought for my heart and as we ladies talked about being strong women of the Lord and my natural tendency to draw in kicks in, I know I have to keep fighting and pushing towards a family. Nothing about this journey has said to give up. I fight my fears, my doubts, my hurt and hope and pray it's not in vain.

Is it hard to talk about baby's and showers? Sure, sometimes... I pray when the urge to leave a room comes over me because of the ache rising in my chest. I remember God tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice. I never want to be so consumed by selfishness that I can't give encouragement and support to someone else. So when I tell someone my struggle, at that moment they will mourn with me as many sweet sisters have. When it's their time to greet motherhood in to their lives, I want to be be able to reach out to them as kindly as they have done for me and truly rejoice for them.

What causes me to go there in my head? Emotions on the surface because of the end of this working chapter in my life. Today it's thinking about me starting this coming week. Sometimes I honestly don't need a reason. The anxiousness does rise as that day draws nearer. It's the elephant in the room, don't talk about it, don't concentrate, don't "stress" over it. So instead of trying to program negative, " don't think about it messages" I will focus on God, and what I can do for others. I'm in the design and planning stage of a new quilt for a family member. So many prayer needs out there within our family and friends to be there for them with some more time on my hands. Time for me to give while I can... when it's an overwhelming day, I might be the one in need of that hand from another.