I find it incredibly ironic that as an adult, I am now the lone
female in a house of males. My father left our house when I was 8 years
old. My two older sisters and I along with my mother far outnumbered my
younger brother of almost 6 years. "Anything boys could do...." was the
motto around our place. My brothers storm troopers were frequently
borrowed for Ken's friends with Barbie. His ewok never saw that dryer
tumble coming and was never the same afterwards. We also did dress him
up a a girl once. He survived us and is an amazing girl dad now, I have
to say!
Men are stereotypically adverse to
acknowledging or dealing with emotions. I can confidently say they have
them, they just refuse or don't have the ability to work through them
verbally. There were lots of emotions expressed in our household in my
family of origin. We didn't really hold back. It was at times
overwhelming and I was as much of a contributor as anyone else.
Conversationally, I'm a relater and although an introvert and for the
most part slow to get to know people, if I sense it will bring someone
to ease or comfort others, I can be a fairly open book. I have had to
learn to not take people's struggles as my own, to not feel the need to
fix someone else. A spiritual gifts test I took 12 years ago resulted in
mercy. I can be almost too empathetic and tear up, get choked up or out
right cry very easily with those who are hurting in any form or
fashion. In my weekly schedule, I have a mom to mom group that I find
myself uncharacteristically sharing more at for the outlet and word
count that I get to release alone. My love language is quality time and I
love me a good play date.
The current phrase for
the expression and maybe sometimes the lack of control in expressing
emotions is drama. At times said with good humor and other times with a
definite lack of patience, understanding or respect. Maybe I don't
understand someone's strong emotions, maybe it seems out of proportion
for the actions that have occurred. Maybe the intensity is overwhelming
and the feelings directed and blamed outwardly rather than processed
through personal accountability and healthy self expression. I truly
believe everyone just wants to be heard, felt, supported, encouraged and
understood. What ever is the worst thing that happened to you is still
the worst thing that has happened to you. It's not about comparing,
contrasting or having a pity party. While I understand those differences
can be life impacting for whether you're in a first, second or third
world country, minimizing the feelings behind what seems superficial and
selfish helps no one. A line of health is crossed from validation to
manipulation when my happiness is dependent on other people's actions.
Boundaries aren't about telling the other person what they can or can't
do, but about what you will or will not due when your lines are crossed.
I am responsible for me. If I'm hurt I can chose to share that
information and it's a faith leap whether others will acknowledge and
understand or lash out in defense and rejection.
I'm
surrounded now by 4 incredibly handsome men, one husband and three sons.
They are fun, funny, active and yes, emotional. It's just that they
never want to talk about those emotions. We were made with emotions as
part of God's perfect plan. They, like any other part of our bodies are
be handled responsibly, be appreciated and used to connect with and help
others. They may process internally or push them off in an attempt to
not deal with them.
The intensity that hurt, fear,
anger, panic, worry, doubt, grief and injustice can hit and wash over us
can be overwhelming. In our journey to peace and acceptance, we hit
they say at least 12 other emotions and not always in a linear or
singular fashion. Our flight or fight mechanism kicks in. We may try to
get to the root of the issue or in shock and denial, we retreat. We can
refuse to look within ourselves try to manage our feelings, but look to
blame outwardly for the circumstances and individuals.
I
don't know anyone that has completely healthy coping skills and defense
mechanisms. I think that's like saying there is a completely functional
family out there with out their share of hurts, bad moments of history
and pain. That one persons way of thinking, way of doing something,
their friends, family, work is the best! We should all think that and
yet if we go too far and only see other people's short comings and our
own good, we will grow in ourselves pride, arrogance and a judgmental
spirit. Conversely, we live in a fallen world with imperfect people and
believing someone else has it all together is just a big fat ugly lie
that hurts everyone. Life requires grit, determination and strength to
maturely handle the myriad of life's disappointments. We are to step up
and give others the best in us, our love, our compassion, our patience,
our forgiveness, our benefit of the doubt. As I read today, we should
look for commonalities and ways to bridge the gaps with other people. We
can always find a difference, a reason to be hurt, a reason to judge
and distance ourselves. It's a self fulfilling prophesy, we will always
find what we are looking for.
A recent conversation I
observed online made some great points in regard to handling emotions. I
do agree with the concept that each person is responsible for managing
their own emotions. It's not my job to calm some one down, nor to feed
their growing intensity. Being either cold or hot headed is of benefit
to no one. I do strive to be a a source of comfort that God calls us to
be for one another. (2 Corinthians 1:4)
I
tend to live in the black and white/ right and wrong. There are many
variations of grey in there that I haven't experienced, read about or
observed or quite frankly can't find a balance. This idealistic what
people 'should' do gets me. There is no one right way to do something,
no matter what I want to believe. The Gary Chapman book, "The Five Love
Languages" comes to mind talking about each person's different ways to
fill our love tanks. When it's empty, the search for good is sent out
the door. It's not saying I'm right what my version of a utopian
emotional climate would be like, but we all have one. We share,
encourage and expect it from others, consciously and unconsciously. If
everyone would just play by my rules, then we would all get along and be
happy..... right?
So, whether distance, intense, cold,
neutral, warm, excited, calm, fuzzy, laid back, driven, silent or
expressive or another unnamed category, we all contribute to our own as
well as the people we love's emotional climate. Are we giving and
pouring in to others, while still maintaining our own equilibrium? How
big is our fight or flight mechanism? In a couple's discussion, there
was the situation where one partner wanted to hash out feelings and to
other person that was just too overwhelming and they didn't feel
equipped to handle high emotions and would emotionally and physically
flee. So whether you embrace the feelings of emotions, run, avoid, deny,
analyze, control or let them fly, they aren't going anywhere. Also, we
wouldn't want them to. They aren't a mistake or an afterthought. It's
part of the human experience.
What we do in the face
of someone else's strong emotions says much about the relationship and
ourselves. Are we comfortable allowing this person to see the worst most
over wrought ugly part of ourselves? It's a risk no matter what, but
some risks have more potentials for downfall than others. Do we want to
fix them? Make them feel better? Lecture them not to make grave
mistakes?
What seems excessive and out of proportion
later was due to a trigger of past hurt and complexes. With my unique
make-up, social change, 'friends for a season' and anything that hints
at rejection, abandonment is incredibly hard for me. At the end of the
day, if I don't chose grace, the benefit of the doubt and forgiveness,
I'm only hurting myself. I may never get an apology or an explanation,
there may never be words of reconciliation. Giving them power over me
benefits no one. They have moved on. My harsh, cold, feeling of rigid
justice will only hurt myself and every other relationship I have.
At
times, I proactively apologize. As an introverted introspective
sensitive person, large gatherings drain me and leave me replaying
conversations again and again in an attempt to better the exchange. I
can see in hindsight after I've walked away from a social interaction,
that someone would be bothered by how something I said came across. I
have this innate desire to manage other people's feelings. (I'm working
on it) I need to trust that if someone is bothered by something enough,
they will say something to me. But, all too often, we triangulate as
women and go and talk to others about our frustration or hurt or
misunderstanding and don't talk to the person directly. That to say, I
cringe at the thought that I may have hurt someone's feelings. The
attitude of others that, if you don't give me the benefit of the doubt,
then I can't help you conveys a direct lack of empathy and compassion.
As if somehow giving the benefit of the doubt would remove any situation
of being hurt. Also, if you accidentally break someone's arm, the bone
is still broken, your intent is irrelevant. The consequences are the
same, hurt has resulted.
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