I'll Take it, Trust & Family

I'm so relieved THIS is the heart of God!!

Here comes a rambler.... Wait, why do I say that? So that in case this doesn't make sense or no one understands or receives it well I protect myself ahead of time? As the poster says by my computer.. "Be patient. God isn't finished with me yet"

I keep these thoughts about life vague which might be frustrating to protect people's privacy. It's not meant judgmentally or with poor intent or to gossip. It's my perspective of things going on around me and what I try to learn. I'll say I am both hurt and angered watching a beloved family member struggling. How do you teach someone to forgive themselves? How do you save someone from their own choices? They don't read my blog. When the ripple effect gets bigger hurting more people you love. I pray God uses all this to help this person do great work for Him when this person sees what's really going on.

I've been thinking about the matter of trust. A godly man who did our premarital counseling told Billy and I, it's not something you earn. You chose to give it. Everyone is going to let you down at some time or another. It's part of being human. We are selfish, greedy, vain, prideful, lazy people. We can chose to harden our hearts, make our walls so high no one can get close and never give the power to hurt out to anyone. We can find any number of reasons to withhold. I can see trust as a sort of bank, deposits consisting of being there, listening, coming through, encouraging words. Subtractions for letting down, hurting feelings, words of angry, acts of abandonment, words of condemnation and so on. Errgg wait, that sounds a whole lot like keeping record of wrongs and that's not love. Sounds logical as well, but too systematic and distant. I'm not suggesting to be a door mat either. We are called not to throw pearls to the swine. I think sometimes forgiveness is confused with reconciliation. In a new friendship trust is built slowly, sharing bits of my heart at a time increasing in vulnerability as they show they can handle my heart with integrity. My theory is the younger of an age anyone was that their trust was betrayed whether it was their parents or someone else in authority or that they held respect for, the more ingrained it is not to trust. Some personalities find trust easy and some very difficult. Who is the richer in spirit and heart? Who's showing the heart of Jesus? I know I'm cautious person who opens up slowly. Once someone has reciprocated and shows genuine respect, I'm a loyal person. I'm also human prone to doubts, hurt and feelings of rejection. Place on top of my humanity is the natural ebb and flow of being a woman with hormones. Complex creatures aren't we?

I pray to teach Matthew trust. I badly want to model that trait for him when we have messed up in regards to raising him. I want this for his own sense of peace, because I know Billy and I will need it from him and most importantly how ever will he accept the beautiful sacrifice Jesus has done if he never knows in his heart the feeling of both forgiving and being forgiven.

Family... whether by blood, marriage or faith is vitally important to us for support. We were never made to be isolated to ourselves, we were made for relationships. No matter if we are 6 or 60, we have a desire to be transparently known, accepted, especially wanted. These heart desires are present regardless of nationality, religion or culture. Yes, as grown up children, we form our own family units, but there's something about being around parents that transports me back in time to being a little girl. No matter how independent, far away geographically or the time in between communications, the heart's desire for a relationship with family exists. As I prepare to welcome my own son in to the world I wonder how his being born will change current family dynamics. The thing I don't want is to place the burden of my own childhood disappointments and hurts on to my tiny child's shoulders. He is not being born for my therapy. As the parent it's my responsibility, privilege and yes obligation to be there for my child. Not just for the 18 years he is under my roof, but for a life time. I want to be his biggest cheerleader, encourager, source of guidance and comfort. I'm not here though to look down on his mistakes or rescue him, but rather help him to learn from them. I'm not here to make all his decisions, but to show him how to trust his instincts by trusting God so he can be a confident adult. I'm not here only for the celebrations or the crisis but the common. I'm not wanting to just adore him as a baby and long for him to return ever after, I'm here to cheer every milestone, advance and growth until God calls one of us home. He's not here to live out my childhood dreams but for me to help him tap in to his God given gifts, talents and abilities to become the man God wants him to be.

The adage of always being mom or dad's little child is endearing and yet does it recognize the growth and respect the current stage of life? If a family feels a codependent needs to rescue, protect and never allow a child to feel the consequences of their actions; we are stunting their growth and conveying a lack of trust in their ability to recover, learn and grow from their mistakes. We also want to give our family the benefit of the doubt and know in our hearts they act out of the best love they can give even if it isn't our image of the perfect _____ (for example: father, mother, sister, brother, daughter, son).

I was speaking with some girl friends yesterday about searching out a particular set of traits that my sister had when she was alive. Something in my psyche seeks that dynamic that was present for 31 years. Even though at times like all relationships it had it's moments of frustration, tension, irritation; somehow it became a comfort. The take charge older sibling with strong opinions, leadership and organization. This last week I was saddened that my newly formed family will have never known my sister. I have memories and I talk enough, they will have a sense of her :-)


Yes, there's 3 fragment sentences. If that's what you're focusing on, my blog must bug you :-)

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