Our family, Transition Phase 2

Follow up to my earlier post about how it feels to become a mom. At 4 months out,(dr's appointment here in a few hours for Matthew, looking forward to it :-)) I've recently had to start making different decisions to get out of new mommy survival mode. The initial rush of adrenalin is wearing off. I should be sleeping, but waking up in the middle of the night is a hard habit to break no matter how tired I am. What does survival mode look like for me?

Physically: Expressing milk 7 times a day around the clock, not going more than 4 hours in order to supply milk for my son. I haven't slept a full night sleep in over 5 months, which also accounts for the late pregnancy back ache/ constant bathroom trips. A wall has finally been reached. The hormones don't subside until after the nursing ends. My body is still not my own. I have those last nagging 10 pounds that will remain until nursing is in the past. Nothing crushing but this is one aspect of a sum total that adds up to a different me. Don't get me started on my memory as in the last 2 weeks I've forgotten pump parts at church necessitating Billy rushing home to fetch as well as locking ourselves out of our own home.

Spiritually: Attending bible study, class and service is a struggle. Either a fussy baby or pumping requires attention. Simple math... lack of sleep + lack of spiritual nourishment = depleted woman. I'm not at my best, it's a pure simple fact. I'm trying the best I can praying, reading my bible and doing studies with Billy. I know all the nourishment I was doing while I was at home and just pregnant is what is being called on to sustain me through this period of adjustment.

Relationally: My role and my identity is changing. My priorities, focus, energy and concerns draw closer to home. Marriage was a step in that direction 5 years ago and even more so now with a baby. I have wonderful friends who listen, encourage, support and pray. Those same friendships are tested now as I get to know the new me as well. One friend said I didn't have to explain because they know me, well I don't know me. This person with the mama bear instincts, who isn't as easy going and quiet as I used to be is strange. I'm not quite sure what to do with this side of me yet and it's not always pretty. I find myself having very strong preferences regarding not only the care of my son but my choices in general.

How to respectfully get my point across because I'm not willing to fold quietly anymore is just one of the challenges. My opinions and view points don't need to forced on someone else any more than others on me. I'm usually laid back and avoid conflict to the point that I normally give way in order to hold the peace. Part of me wants control over something and it comes out in small ways that the old me would have seen as mundane. Now these things matter. Conflict tests and reveals the foundation of relationships. The ability to give grace, compassion and understanding is paramount for long term success. I'm journeying to find my voice in all of this hopefully with respect, consideration and acceptance. With any change for me comes testing out the newness and mistakes will be inevitable. My value is not in 'getting along' for it's own sake. My identity is not just peace maker doing what ever it takes not to make waves. It's being real with what I think and feel. Mature healthy friendships aren't threatened by that.

Emotionally: A good thing for me in this change is it has toughened me up against other's preconceived judgements and expectations. It's really not about what anyone outside our home thinks is best for us anymore. We will lead our lives in the way God leads us and that is different for each family. So whatever label you might put us under with your limited view I give here is up to you. I can't control and no longer have a desire to people please in that area. I can say I'm free of that.

This is the fulfillment of a life long dream to have a child. I've been told the over thinking it has to do with my age. So be it, I'll accept that. I've been told I have more patience than a younger girl as I just have more life experiences and perspective but with it comes knowing all the scary stuff there is out there. It can put alot of pressure on the circumstances to live up to the dream. Is it all I hoped for? ABSOLUTELY. I adore my son. I don't like the phrase he was worth the wait, it trivializes everything we went through. I can start to say I'm thankful for some of the things I've learned along the way. It's also left it's mark with feeling I have something to prove.

I have had the thought no one takes care of my son as well as I do. I'm his mother, I spend every day all day with this sweet child. It's very tough to hand the reigns over even to daddy. As a different friend told me, God will work out my control issues in regard to our son. I have no doubt about that, I just ask he do so gently, please :-) The other side of that coin is, just as soon as I have Matthew's patterns and preferences pegged, they change. I have learned long ago, the one thing that you can guarantee all through life is change. It's not a threatening idea if I don't allow it. It's wonderful to be part of his development and growth.

Am I sensitive about my parenting skills? You bet I am, I'm new at this and I'm finding my way. I'm finding there is a normalization by talking with other new moms as well as ones further down the road willing to be honest about that new time in their lives. I can't speak for all mothers, but from my perspective if I am feeling it, someone out there is as well. It's been reassuring to have that validated and know I'm not alone.

Intellectually: I didn't have a 'career' there is nothing else at which I excel. I know that statement is dangerous as my value is in Christ's love alone. I never professed to be perfect, just honest. In my sleep deprived, anxious ridden moments I think I don't have a back up plan if I fail at this. I miss planning, organizing, having strategy's with other adults about a common goal. Matthew is a charmer, his babbles, laughs and grins are precious. The feedback is just vastly different. What I do directly effects Matthew's physical, social, emotional, spiritual development. That pressure is only handled well by prayer and giving it up to God. He of course is absolutely oblivious to me turning myself in to knots. His post on his development will come after this morning's Dr's appointment.

So no sleep, little spiritual nourishment, friendships-no make that relationships tested, oh and going out in public trying to work around my sweet baby's schedule are all different.. Going to the grocery store 2 weeks ago was a disaster, so no reprieve there. Matthew is happiest in our home, on his schedule. So I've been making the initiative to invite other women over getting further outside my comfort zone so I'm not the hypothetical clingy woman in her husband's face the moment he gets home because she hasn't had any adult interaction. Introvert reaching out?? Something else that is difficult and this isn't the best of times to make first impressions.

Maritally: I'm a stereotypical integrated woman and that means what effects one area of my life bleeds over to others and that does not exempt my marriage to Billy. We have been in a bunker the last 3 years to get to this point. I love my husband, he is perfect for me. We are navigating a first experience life changing event together. With that comes growing pains. If you've been there you know what I mean. If you haven't, 10 paragraphs isn't going to explain it adequately. It's a point in our lives that we are looking to the other. Getting time alone with each other or even alone time individually is just not there yet, hence the term I used survival mode. I will say I know I have fallen in to the erroneous thinking of expecting either of us to be super parent. No one can shine under that kind of stress. The expectation level of that size can never be lived up to, it's not realistic. He is an amazing father, invested and loving. Part of that transition is allowing him to find his daddy hood as well. We are both doing the best we can.

There are many women who have been and Lord willing will continue to be a support as Billy and I travel along this journey through parenthood. Not to slight anyone else but I have to say one specific thank you to one of my longest, most positive unconditional friends, Amy Wilson. Talking with you tonight was God with skin on. There are no words to thank you for a place to be real with specifics with someone who has been there. To feel understood, to laugh, cry and nod vigorously in sympathy and understanding. You are secure enough with yourself to brain storm with me and help me to be a better wife and mother which are my two highest callings as a woman of God. No matter what frequency it is that we talk, it's like we picked up from yesterday's conversation. Thank you for listening, for knowing how to give advice without preaching or judging. Your prayers,.. ok I'm going to cry. You know what you mean to me. Thank you :-))