Our Family

This post is mainly for my benefit to look back on later and remember how I felt.

I've held off on a post about what transition to parenthood has felt like for a couple of reasons. First, I know there are some people this topic is and may always be very hurtful for them. Some who were still reading this blog and I wanted to be respectful of their feelings. The last thing I want to do is add to someone else's hurt in regard to growing a family. I think most of the people who came to this blog to identify with someone struggling with infertility have long since moved on. I never wanted the title of the infertile or struggling, I simply used this blog as an outlet. No one in my circles was talking about it. I don't function well with surface relationships. I can only get through polite niceties for so long, the relationship either deepens or fades out for me. I needed to be real and once I got past the fear of opening up my heart to unknown masses I did meet several women who were then willing to share their own pain. Sometimes people come in to each other's lives for just a season. It does not take away what God did through those special people. I will always have tremendous respect and compassion for anyone going through primary or secondary infertility. I know I had great moments of hurt, misunderstanding, guilt, confusion, anger and isolation on my own part. I do not feel as though we earned Matthew or are any more blessed or gifted in any sense. We are just deeply grateful for our son.

I also wanted to get some perspective and allow the hormones and feelings to calm down and have a bit bigger picture. I feel definitely more like myself now that Matthew is sleeping between 8 and 10 hours through the night now. I know most of my posts are about Matthew now and they will probably continue to be. None of Matthew's grandparents live close enough to see him daily and this is a way for them to feel more part of his life. In order to help that as well, we now all have web cams and happily do video calls via Skype so Matthew can see them and vice versa. As with any new relationship of any kind there is a bit of tunnel vision/ fascination/ obsession if you will in regard to this new little person in our lives. I thank you for humoring the 'obnoxious woman who acts like she's had the first child ever and broadcasts everything he does'.

All that being said, I love being a mommy. Someone asked me what was the best and worst part about being a parent and my reply still is, the answer for both is the same. He needs us. The fact that we fill all of his needs right now is incredibly fulfilling and rewarding. Filling all his needs in what has been 3 hour cycles has been very draining as well. He started smiling in the last few weeks and it melts my heart. He's gained 4 pounds and grown 4 inches in his two months here. Seems like he's been part of our lives forever. I'm praying for God to show me how to raise Matthew in a Godly way. I pray to walk the talk of the lessons I'm hoping Matthew will learn in our home in order to grow in to a Godly man.

One area I can tell God and satan are battling over is what others think of me. In this area of being a mother that I so badly want to be successful at ( what ever that means) I can now see what I felt were innocent comments to mothers before I was one could be hurtful and feel as though I was questioning them. I hesitate to use the phrase "we do what's best for our family" since it has such a ring to the scripture about each did what was right in their own eyes. What a Christian home looks like IS different in each home though. There are different people, personalities, gifts, struggles, etc. I was never able to breastfeed directly with Matthew. I had this on a list of things I would absolutely do once I had a baby. It' just didn't end up being something I can control. I'm passionate about it for Matthew since auto immune diseases run rampant on my side of the family. Breast milk has amazing God given immunities for Matthew. That's not to say he still won't end up with some condition down the road. So, because of latching and biting issues, Matthew is fed my milk through a bottle. He receives what Billy and I believe is best for him. It's double the work to exclusively pump, but I will willing do it for as long as I can keep my supply up. I stay home with Matthew because that's what Billy and I both wanted for our children. I say this without judgment of women who work outside the home for what ever reason. We women can be so unknowing hard on each other with our should's. The truth is, I had to throw out the window most of what I thought were deal breakers (things as silly now as the use of a pacifier or sucking his thumb) that I had coming in because very few of them took in to account Matthew's unique needs/ personality and schedule. I simply didn't factor in variables of a little human being I will never be able to control.

I love Billy in new ways. Watching him with our son is beautiful causing a lump to form in my throat as I race for the camera to capture the precious interactions between the two men in my life. He is an amazing father and I'm so grateful for the love, commitment and leadership he brings to our family.

As for the future of our family, we do hope to give Matthew a sibling one day. Our journey has shown us what little control we have when it comes to His will. Some women I have talked to were able to have more children, for some who struggled it only happened once for them. God also wants our whole hearts, not repressed homogenized perfectionism in fear of someone judging our motives. God knows our hearts, our deepest intentions, our most wanted desires and I hope and pray those reading this still give us the benefit of the doubt that comes with loving a friend or family member.

January 7, 2010