Relationships

Blogging in the middle of the night brings up those unresolved issues that get pushed to the background due to everyday living.

To quote a beloved former preacher, "With out relationships life would be smooth, uncomplicated and.... lonely. So we should embrace the complications." Our Sunday bible class has been going through difficult people and how to handle these situations in a Godly way. In God fashion, I have before me the last couple of weeks the opportunity to live out what He's teaching me in theory in class. Part of me knows I'm not getting it right and also knows whether I want to or not, God will keep trying to teach me this lesson until I get it.

Trust and benefit of the doubt are precious commodities. I share my views and opinions here and for me to do so in a pseudo public manner I chose a certain level of trust. But this outlet is not a relationship. The aspect that is lacking to me is mutual disclosure. There is a small group of women ( and my husband) I've shared my biggest regrets and most painful moments. That information is only shared after a time of trust building with smaller less significant issues. Sometimes the relationships that ended up meaning the most to me are the ones I fought for the hardest. Even then, sometimes I didn't realize it was worth fighting for until after I'd fought for it. Successful deep relationships require casting aside our pride and asking for/ giving forgiveness over and over. Communication, honesty, humbleness and vulnerability are essential to go work through the tougher side of relationships. Close friendships are not for the lazy. God gives us the example to forgive 77 times. (Anyone ever reach 77and say, that's it? I did my duty.) Does removing the difficult person out of my circles really solve the problem? These statements are all wordlessly prefaced with 'in my opinion/experience', feel free to disagree :-) Being different or disagreeing does not threaten me. I don't think it's a matter of IF you have to forgive someone in a friendship, it's WHEN. We all have different personalities, hurts, struggles, faults, passions, focuses in different stages of life, faith and maturity. No one has the ability to mind read and what hurts one person doesn't phase another.

I'm someone else's difficult person. No matter what each of my good intentions are, not everyone sees eye to eye. To my people pleaser side, this is my worst nightmare, feels like the biggest failure, a rejection. My knee jerk question is, "What did I do that was so bad to cause this person to throw away our friendship?" and "Did my friendship and me mean so little to them that they can blithely walk away believing I'm so bad for them , it's for the best?" I hate the thought of adding to any one's hurt in any way. My closest friends laugh at how often I apologize over things no one else thought anything about. The sadness to me in these situations is to know I've missed something that wounded someone else. I can only pray God shows me what that is so I don't hurt others. Part of me goes down the mindset of ...maybe I can explain, ask for forgiveness, make it better.... They didn't make me feel this wound up, this is my character make up and how my personality deals with these kinds of issues. The more I try to force something, the more it unravels. I can feel the tension, frustration and personal need for validation rise.

Here's my introverted talking.... Small talk is painful for me I know I've mentioned this before. I try so hard in the beginning to relate to someone, nodding, sharing similar stories to show empathy and commonalities and in the end it feels strained, like I was trying forcing a connection. Then I get concerned that someone misinterpreted my desire to connect as monopolizing, interrupting, turning the conversation around... wheee I'm tired from just writing my thought process down about the whole mess. For two people to see something worth making the effort to begin with to be friends is an honor. When someone chooses not to see that anymore, feelings of rejection inevitably follow. I want to display enough maturity to not cry foul and lash out just because things didn't end the way I wanted. I must choose to honor what I initially saw worth while in the person. I then chose to respect their wish and walk away with the good memories and the benefits we did bring to each other's lives. Writing is my comfort zone, not to hide things but a chance to be more transparent at my own pace. To revise, analyze and pray about my words that I wouldn't have time for in person. I pray my need for cathartic release in this avenue is not used in a negative manner.

It was part of my constant struggle while facing infertility. I need to focus on the 90% good and not allow myself to be consumed by the 10% that is negative. Since our enemy is not of the flesh but of the spirit, we can never really remove the source of the attack on each one of us. I believe I can choose to see God in this, act in the most loving way possible to a situation I don't begin to understand. Our Sunday night small group is discussing marriage beginning with the mindset we are in it to give, not get. Talk about protection, boundaries, healthy people etc. sounds to me at times an excuse not to mature myself. God doesn't give up on any of us, so I don't feel like I should give up on anyone God brings in to my life. If I avoid everyone who hurts me, disagrees me or doesn't view or approach life, religion, emotions, politics the same way I do, I wouldn't have anyone left. I believe the greatest opportunity for strength lies in our differences.

I know I have pushed away from others as well. The root of these times was the idea that we are all walking wounded to some extent or another. When facing my most challenging spiritual, emotional attack of the last decade I did retreat. It was temporary and for self protection. Was I selfish? Absolutely. Part of me was hurting so badly I just didn't have it in me to be the bigger person. I never wanted to live in survival mode though. I also have the advantage of hindsight and that being behind me. I think of Lisa and her daily life of chronic pain. I want to get relationally down in the mud so to speak.I know a couple of my decisions during that time hurt others. I can only now learn from those, and try to do better going forward. Realizing I didn't make them feel hurt but as my bonus dad put it, even if you didn't mean to break someones arm, it's still broke. I only have control over my actions. To paraphrase Beth Moore" I've walked this faith walk long enough to recognize emotions and know they are separate from my obedience to God" I should have written it down verbatim this morning, it spoke so loudly to me. I don't want to be the same person next year that I am today. I already learned the lesson in my 20's I can't change/ fix/ help anyone except myself. Even then, it's really God fixing me if I want it to be truly life transforming, heart shaping change. In that context the truth lives that it's not really about me. I don't believe emotions are chosen, I believe we take responsibility to own up to and do something positive with our actions is though. Telling someone not to feel their emotions is the quickest way to invalidate them and widen a gulf.

I pray to lay my life before Christ, lay down my faults and hurts as well as the hurts I have caused others. I truly do want God to search me, to know my anxious thoughts, to see where there is sin and lovingly grow me up. We all have the best intentions. I have faith in the inner goodness where Christ lies in all of us. People have the capacity to cause great hurt and pain. Our desire to make others feel as bad as we do with anger and jealousy is so obvious in the world around us. We also have the capacity to love, share, help, comfort, protect, listen and encourage. I believe what wins in our own lives is what we linger on in our thoughts. I don't advocate stuffing down any negative emotions. Repression will make you sick. I am a proponent of moving past the 'feeling' because rebellion makes you do stupid things. (Another Beth Moore quote)

I'm predating this entry and cutting off the feed in to fb. It's not really about the person or for anyone reading this and I mean them no harm, ill will or negative intentions. Speaking about a specific person or relationship to others flies in the face of what I believe about relationships. In order to respect the wish made for space this can't be handled with the person. It's not the first relationship that has ended before I was ready and sadly I dare say it won't be the last. I don't think she reads this, if I find out otherwise I'll delete the entry all together. I see this latest relational obstacle as an opportunity to give more over to God. It's the only way I'll stop allowing what other's think about about me or how they treat me not dictate how I feel about my own worth. As Max Lucado says through Eli in my favorite children's DVD, You Are Special, "The stickers only stick if you let them. The stickers (labels, names) only stick if they matter to you". Caring what others think about me is something I can never control and yet care too much about. Either way just because you think I'm good or bad shouldn't matter, only what God thinks. He thinks I'm worth sending His son on the cross to die for. He accepts me, loves me and forgives me unconditionally. Some day that core acceptance from Him will trump all of this other. The message will travel from head knowledge to heart changing behavior. I really pray for my own sense of peace, that day arrives quickly.