Pearls & Trees

As I sit here after just getting home so I can eat lunch and take a pill that brings with it pain, my mind wonders to a hundred different topics, morality, honesty, integrity. I'm so grateful for Billy and how easy it is to trust him because I know his center is Christ. Sure, we all make mistakes, even then he's forthcoming. I look around at my small portion of the "worldly" both inside and outside of my own heart and am saddened, shocked. Infidelity, dishonesty, rationalizing and making all together too many decisions based on emotions. I pray that I do pray, that I care, that God brings an opportunity to bring His truth and morals in a way that loves the person and yet does not accept the sin being done. Even taking these pills, yes, they say moodiness is supposed to be a side effect. I still don't believe that any excuse (including PMS) relinquishes my responsibility of self control. Going through life making decisions based solely on feelings? my "gut" instinct? emotions? on what's fun regardless if it's right? or easing my human pain with whatever crutch the world provides (alcohol, food, bitterness, drugs, sex outside of marriage, ambition, greed, materialism, profanity, violence) well, it's an ok decision or come on it's no big deal I'm a good person, it's enough to get by, well they did it, no one will get hurt, no one will ever know, it's my body, well it could be worse, I have to look out for number one. Randomly floating through life with no purpose, no goal, doing what ever comes up, is easy or is fun, gets the adrenaline going.

I seriously thank my Lord and Savior for saving me from the world and myself. To know there is a right and wrong, it's called commandments, the Bible. To give me prayer so that I always have my best friend to talk to. To provide other Christians who will remind me of what Jesus has asked of us when I'm feeling selfish. When I need an example, where do I go? There's the bible, Jesus, old testament Joseph, Job, David, Paul. It's not a child's story, or just characters on a felt board. It's a life, a freedom that I can't find in anyone or anything else on the face of the planet. Jesus is...
a safe harbor for comfort on a bad day,
a moral compass when temptation calls,
an example when I can't possibly understand what to do next,
a pillar of hope when I'm discouraged
the only judge that matters
my example to love, forgive, respect and accept
Any why I do I care that He is these things? Why do I have all of these needs built in me? Because God created those needs only because He knew he could fill every single one of them. No temporary thrill or high can fill that God shaped place in every one's soul. Knowing these aren't lofty unattainable actions that in my soul I can do that, because someone first started that cycle, that tradition, that legacy in my heart before even the day I let Him in.

Yes, it delights my heart to hear my husband, family and friends express concern and love and support. But even if I had none of that, Jesus would still be enough. You know, when I feel walked over and just itching to fight back and defend myself, I KNOW I can let it go, I can forgive, I can be kind. Why? Because if the only perfect person who ever lived can forgive, can let it go, can be kind while hanging on a cross looking the people in the eyes and praying that God forgive those who put him there, how can I not?? Those that put him there includes everyone who has ever lived on this plant except Jesus. He can and does forgive all our sins and continues to do so for me on an intimate and personal basis as well as everyone else daily. Surely, not so that I'll "get my ticket/ insurance policy to heaven" but in gratitude (if nothing else) I can pass that on. Why would I want to spend eternity with Jesus if I can't delight in him and follow Him for the 80+ years I'm on earth?? To let someone, everyone, else know what as much as I can about the warmth and compassion and peace that Jesus displays for me every moment of my life even before I knew Him personally, even before I was old enough to decide whether I wanted to follow Him.

He forgives me even those days when I say I believe in Him, but my actions aren't showing it. That happens daily at some point or another. As much as I want to sin less and believe they aren't as bad as they used to and or as often, they really are. Not acknowledging my sin is what separates me from God. It's me, in shame or fear that turns away, never, NEVER God. ALL I have to do is admit what I did was wrong, no excuses. Ask him! That's it, he does it for everybody no matter what I've done. Not make it up to him, not do good deeds, not be in church every time the door opens or give up my whole life, although I'll feel compelled to anyway once my own fault has been dealt with. Why? Cause I'm free, free of the shame and the guilt. I've been honest with God not measuring up to what He wants and He forgave. I know I've hurt him and I don't want to continue so my regret, my repetence, my "feeling I'm sorry" should lead me to want to do better next time. Sure, I might stumble, but if I turn to God, he will help me catch myself sooner next time. Ask and forgive and help me Lord to keep doing better and not to give up. I could say no and my past has shown I will just stray further and further from the peace and love and forgivness, but that's my choice. Say yes to God and do the hard work? (I know He won't leave me alone, He'll help me ) or say no and gradually, ever so gradually all that "sin" starts not looking so bad. Wham! satan won.

Only God wants all of me, he doesn't expect me to be perfect, why else would I need Him if I could do it all myself? Which I can't! I'm selfish, impatient, not nearly serving enough, not kind enough. I'm an intreverted person that has a very hard time making the first move with other people. God was so patient knocking on the door of my heart as a kid. His patience continues as fumble through decisions in my life. Just deciding between good things! Because it's not about me, it's about God.

Sure, it's scary to let Him in, to risk telling others, to be different but look at the payoff! I was scared that he'd really see me, he'll know I'm not up for this, that I'm a fraud, that I'm not like all those "good" people in church. I didn't have years of knowing what's expected and the words to the songs and the etiquette and the inside langauge in a Church. Satan uses every excuse he can in your head to keep you away from Christ. But I think, I'll have to give things up, it won't be any fun, oh that's all nonsense, how can one man die for all the sins and for all the people?, science... man's attempt to explain God has shoved God straight out of the picture, how can He let bad things happen? Where was He when "that" happened. We are all controlled by something, as much as I want to call all the shots, have the power and control, I don't. The truth is the truth whether I believe it or not. God gives us all free will, because love isn't love if it's forced. It's not a choice to love Him and follow his commandments if we are all programmable robots. Right is right even if no one else is doing it and wrong is wrong even if everyone else is doing it. But just like the little girl who made herself give up the fake pearls on trust, now yet knowing her daddy had behind his back the real thing. If she would only give up the imitation, the thing she was clutching on to for dear life that was a mere copy, she would get the priceless real thing, the original.


The original is by DC Talk, called In the Light. The girl version says "I'm the queen of excuses, I've got one for every selfish thing I do. What's going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior. This only confirms my suspicions, that I'm still a girl in need of a savior"



I read last night (as I have plenty of time to do that right now, only being able to sit or lay down in between dozing off) James Dobson talk about trees. The trees in the rain forest, those tall beautiful trees are really weak. A slight breeze could blow them over. They are lazy, given all the water any tree could possibly want with no effort on their part. They literally have it made in the shade. Where as trees grown in arid conditions are some of the strongest trees you can find. They have deep strong roots. They learned they had to strong or the winds and the drought conditions would kill them. These arid trees have to stretch out and work for their water. I want to be an arid tree. I don't want the easy way out, I don't want it all taken care of for me or taken away or to fit in with everyone. I want the character and holiness that God has to offer. I want what ever children God blesses Billy and I with one day to follow the Lord with an alive faith that is strong, can withstand the barrage of this world and truly completes them, to have the real thing. Most of all I pray to see them in heaven one day with us for eternity.