These adult moments are done in smaller spurts with one eye on my child. Friendships seem to be a luxury at times. One phrase that I keep coming back to whether it's about my child, my marriage, extended family or friendships is "It's not about me". With issues that come up I start thinking what does this mean to me. In the right circumstances that phrase can facilitate growth and change. Taken too far (What do I not take too far with thinking? ha!) it's a tool for selfishness. I end up wound up in knots apologizing for some wrong on my part because I can't figure out the current circumstance from the other person's perspective and can only control my behavior so I make the attempt to connect. I can't possibly know everything that's going on in someone else's life. The pressures, hurts and struggles that they are having. Even opening a dialogue in order to begin to relate with someone if I suspect they are going through a hard time making a sincere attempt at support to some can be met with resistance.
In regard to apologies Billy and I have been going through a book titled " The Five Languages of Apology ". It's by the same author of "The Five Love Languages". A couple of things have really struck Billy and I about how we apologize to each other, what rings as the most sincere being the easiest to forgive and most importantly why don't we apologize when we should at times?
The Five Languages in case you're curious are:
1. Expressing Regret "I am sorry"
2. Accepting Responsibility "I was wrong"
3. Making Restitution "What can I do to make it right?"
4. Genuinely Repenting "I'll try not to do that again"
5. Requesting Forgiveness " Will you please forgive me?"
I thought I was one language going in to these descriptions but after reading each chapter and doing the "Discovering you Primary Apology Language" at the end of the book, my language is something else entirely. Billy scored 13 out of 20 on this language where I scored a 9 and the rest of my answers were split between three other languages. I pray that Billy and I will be able to more effectively express our regret ( we were both #1 but in different ways) to each other in a way that speaks to each other's hearts. Disagreeing in my opinion is healthy. Billy and I are different genders with different backgrounds, families, hobbies, life experiences, gifts, struggles. I don't see any of those differences as a threat to our individuality, but as something that makes us uniquely God made. They make each of us stronger for what we bring to the table in our marriage. How we handle them makes all the difference in the world. I know I can be "wordy". I'm sure there's a less kind word for it, but I'm working on being as kind to myself as I endeavor to be with others. I share at length and with passion at times. It's my opinion and experiences, I'm working on relaying those in a way that encourages others speaking theirs as well. So I'm working on taking responsibility for how I'm perceived. You ask me what time it is and I'll tell you how to build a clock-itis. More information than you wanted to know.
I think just like with the Love Languages, I'm quality time and Billy is words of affirmation now ( he's changed since we took the analysis as an engaged couple 6 years ago) apologizing is just recognizing what speaks the loudest to someone and learning that language. Here are some reasons they talk about why people don't apologize.
1. Fear of losing control. Some people feel very uncomfortable when they are not in control of a situation. To ask a person to forgive you means to relinquish control and put the future of the relationship in the other person's hands. Subconsciously, you may find this very difficult.
2. Fear of rejection. When you seek forgiveness, the other person may say no- that is reject your request. For some of us, being rejected is our greatest fear. (mine)
3. Fear of failure. To admit you are wrong can feel as though you have failed a person, or even failed in keeping your morals beliefs. To those with this fear, admitting wrong is equivalent to saying, "I am a failure"
I have a friend who I admire her ability to be who she is with her anxious moments. I think there is great strength in that. The ability to open yourself up and say this is who I am. If you're going to reject me, it might as well be the real me, because at the end of the day other people's approval does not define me. I know I put up walls to protect myself telling God I don't trust him to protect my heart. Stonewalling, avoiding and withdrawing all fall under those categories for me. To me a situation isn't really resolved, reconciliation of the relationship isn't possible until there's a mutually vulnerable respectful conversation where both parties take learn what went wrong and take full responsibility for their part in the situation. Sounds so calm, mature and logical on paper... sigh.. if only real life was that easy. One of the other points the book made was that even if there wasn't a sin/ mistake made an apology is still necessary. The fact that someone else's feelings were hurt is a wrong and that needs to be apologized for. We all want to defend ourselves, rationalize our behavior and not feel we are hurting anyone and if they are that must mean something is wrong with them... they are too sensitive, too selfish, too dramatic. We are heaping insult on to injury further damaging the relationship. Some people just move forward and ignore the entire situation. Some people try to make the other person see their side of their actions in hopes that will erase the hurt. I don't think I've earned the right for a defense until the injured person asks for one, until then it comes across as an excuse.
As much as I'd like to be organized, logical, calm and in charge I'm not. When I have moments of feeling those things, I definitely feel like I'm relying on myself and not God. I've found the older I get, the things I can control aren't the things that really matter in life anyway. My relationships, my faith, my future and most importantly love can't be controlled. Yes, we are all different but sometimes that sounds so distant and detached. Who do we relate and connect with in this life through those differences? Perception is reality, but we all have the ability to change as well. Who really enjoys being corrected by someone else's version of things? An opinion and feelings sometime can't be truly empathized with, but can be listened to with compassion and love. It needs to be accepted as that person's perception.
Sometimes I just need to put one foot in front of the other, soldier through and fake it leading my emotions through correct actions. Sometimes I just need to ask myself what would a patient person do and do it until I start feeling like a patient person. What would a faithful person, a kind person, a spiritually wise person, a forgiving person....How would God see this situation, what would Jesus do? Beth Moore said this beautifully so I hope I'm giving it justice. " Who wants to live the rest of their lives forcing it?" True lasting joy comes from God and not any current circumstance or situation. There's no sin in smiling when my husband does something thoughtful, when Matthew laughs at something I've done or when my sister cracks a joke. I know I'm not going to find anyone who thinks, behaves and believes everything exactly the way I do. That doesn't mean they are wrong and that doesn't mean I am wrong. I believe emotions are not a dirty word. I believe God gave them to us to enjoy life. I believe we are capable of using our negative emotions to rationalize rebellion and also repression. Denying God given emotions in my experience is not emotionally healthy. Emotions don't have to be a demonstration of drama, a grab for attention or an act of self pity. It's how we were built and God doesn't make mistakes.
I feel like I've done a similar entry as this before, of course not about this book. I think for me it bears repeating even if I have.
2 comments:
i've missed your "wordy" posts :)
thanks for sharing!
Great post, Lori! Thanks for sharing and being so open :)!
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